Accidentally Yours: A Friends-to-Lovers Gay Romance (Superbia Springs Book 3)

by Rachel Kane

  Simple.

  So why was he so confused this morning, so wracked with guilt and hope and anger, all at the same time? Nothing had settled down in his mind at all. The promised clear-headedness would not arrive.

  He started to text Toby. Started to tell him, You lied, you were wrong, I never should’ve listened to you, suddenly my life is ten times more complicated.

  But that would have involved confessing what happened last night, and he didn’t feel prepared to do that.

  How could he tell anyone he had corrupted Judah? Sweet, innocent Judah?

  There hadn’t been much innocent about him. He took to sex like fish take to swimming. Before he’d left the room last night, he’d been hard yet again, ready for a third go, and it had taken every ounce of Alex’s willpower not to accept.

  Because the longer Judah stayed in the room, the more he’d want to talk, and talking was the one thing Alex couldn’t do right now. Not at all.

  No talking. No thinking.

  And what did that leave? Feeling? What good did that do? His ankle was throbbing this morning, the sharp pain replaced by something dull but no less obvious. He had been able to ignore it last night, careful not to put pressure on it, keeping everything on knees and elbows. His knees this morning had still been red from his exertions.

  Fortunately, Mason had driven him to work, and they’d talked about inconsequential things, local gossip, nothing to do with anything going on in Alex’s head.

  He would’ve paid Mason a thousand dollars to stay in the store and keep up the pointless chat all day. Anything to avoid thinking. But Mason had been busy: Today was the first day all the staff were descending on Superbia Springs, a dress-rehearsal for the opening.

  When the bell over the door jingled, he looked up, hopeful. Someone coming to ask about a book? Someone coming to browse the Problematic Faves section—to maybe debate whether the books should be on display rather than burned? That’s what he needed, a rousing argument, something to fire up the blood.

  Yet his heart did a strange thing, a sinking leap, a contracting flip, when he saw Judah at the entrance, looking hesitant and lost.

  “Hello,” Alex said, with so many different conflicting emotions, they all seemed to cancel out into a vague flatness. “I thought you’d be tremendously busy today.”

  Judah shrugged. “My part was just to train everyone on the reservation system and the phones. Pretty easy stuff. I skipped out afterward.”

  “Liam’s going to be furious when he realizes you’re gone.”

  Rolling his eyes, Judah said, “Liam’s always furious at me about something. But look…”

  “If you say we need to talk, I’m going to throw this book at you.”

  “Oh, and it looks like a boring book, too.”

  “I’m sorry there are no dragons on the cover.”

  “Not everything I read has dragons. There are also starships.”

  “I’ll let you know if I come across any of those while I’m reading.”

  “Good, you do that.”

  “I will. I totally will.”

  Judah drummed his fingers on the counter. “So.”

  “Yeah.”

  “This book-throwing, does it only apply if I say we need to talk, or is it a broader threat than that?”

  “It depends. You can ask about neutral subjects that have nothing to do with last night.”

  “So, plumbing. Or heraldic crests. Or southeastern bird species.”

  “As long as it didn’t appear in my room last night, we’re good.”

  “Got it. I’m glad we’re clear.”

  “That’s the thing about friendship,” said Alex, whose skull felt like dynamite about to go off. “It relies on clear communication.”

  “It really does, and I’ve never really thought about it, until you said it just that way.”

  Really, just one small spark, and that TNT was going to blow. What would it be like, to become nothing but flames and explosion and smoke? What did candles feel like when they burned? Could it be as painful as this anticipation, this fear that they were on such dangerous ground?

  The fact was, the danger was thrilling. What happened last night shouldn’t have happened, and the fact that it had, seemed to open new doors of temptation he would have to be careful not to enter. You couldn’t even peer through a door like that. You had to keep it shut and deadbolted.

  He had to admit, though, for a little while last night, his mind had been clear.

  Much different than this morning.

  “I mean, if you were going to ask a question from last night—and I’m not saying you should, and I’m not asking what the question would be—but what kind of question would it be?”

  Judah narrowed his eyes. “That’s…a complicated thing, that you just said.”

  “I’m a complicated guy.”

  “Not me. I’m really simple.”

  “You see what you want, and you go for it?”

  “Usually I see what I want, and then talk myself out of it. Or find some way to sabotage it.”

  “That’s one way of approaching life, I guess.”

  Alex could feel his pulse in his throat, in his ears. His hand strayed toward his copy of The Bostonians, as though Henry James, that stodgy old queen, could help him at all. As though a thick novel could provide him safety from what he was feeling.

  “I don’t want to ruin everything,” Judah said, and his face reddened as the words rushed out of him.

  There it was, out in the open. The thought Alex hadn’t allowed himself to think, the idea he’d been avoiding all morning long.

  “Is that what happened? Did we ruin something?” he asked, his voice smaller and quieter than he expected.

  “I don’t know!” said Judah. “Does it feel ruined to you?”

  Alex shook his head. “I don’t know what to think about it.”

  “I mean, I liked it.”

  “So did I.”

  “And…I want it to happen again. Maybe a lot.”

  “You want it a lot,” asked Alex, “or you want it to happen a lot?”

  “Both? This is so embarrassing to say, but I dreamed about you, about the two of us. I woke up and realized I’d come in my sleep.”

  “Well you know, Judah, when a young man reaches a certain age, he often has these nocturnal—”

  “I’m actually being serious right now.”

  “What do you want me to say?” His voice now was plaintive, helpless. “I don’t know what came over me last night. It was wrong. It was impulsive. And yet…”

  Judah’s expression was a study in contrasts, the way his face fell, and then a look of hope came into his eyes. “And yet?”

  “And yet if you came around to this side of the counter, you’d see how my body is reacting to this conversation.”

  His friend got on tiptoes and peeked over the counter, staring down into Alex’s lap, at the bulge snaking its way down his leg. “Oh.”

  “Oh indeed.”

  “So what do we do?”

  Alex blinked. “Well, I’ve got the office back there, but I have to imagine it’s pretty uncomfortable.”

  Judah laughed like he was caught by surprise, a startled, strangled sound. “You mean…like…right now?”

  “I can’t talk about it. It’s too embarrassing. But if we get back there right this second…”

  “Okay, now can we talk?” asked Judah, sitting back on the office floor, taking the offered tissue and blotting his lips with it.

  Alex sprawled, his broken leg out straight at an angle, pants still unzipped, his softening cock out in the open. “I think you missed a spot.”

  Judah leaned forward and licked softly at the opalescent drop at Alex’s slit. “Got it.”

  “I have a confession to make,” said Alex. “Since you’re demanding we talk.”

  “Suddenly I’m regretting bringing it up.”

  “Oh, you brought it up all right. Brought it up, swallowed it down. You’re surprisingly s
killful.”

  “Beginner’s luck. Also, I had a good coach. You give pretty good advice.”

  “Yeah, but the thing with your tongue, that was totally inspired.”

  “Thanks. But I feel like you’re avoiding your confession.”

  “It’s terrible. Scandalous. You’ll hate me.”

  Judah looked up, and Alex was once again taken with the glimmer in his eyes. “You better spit it out.”

  “That’s what he said.” But Judah was in no mood for jokes now, so Alex pushed himself up and said, “I was using you. To get a guy out of my head.”

  Judah’s mouth opened into an oh, but no sound came out.

  “I’m sorry, that sounds awful now that I say it aloud. And it’s not really true, I mean using sounds so manipulative, but that’s not what I was trying to do. I mean, I just got swept up in the moment—”

  “This was about the person who called you? The one you forced off the phone?”

  Alex nodded. “Ian. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Except he’s really more of a sweet helpful puppy dressed as a wolf dressed as a sheep. I had such a bad time with him, Judah. I can’t even describe it.”

  “Sweet…helpful…puppy?”

  There were things in life that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t describe easily. That time of Alex’s life was so complicated, so torn-up and painful, but it was important not to get it wrong. It wasn’t fair to Ian if Alex made him sound like an abuser or something.

  “Ian was perfect. Is perfect. His whole life has been nothing but victory after victory, with all the adulation that comes from that. Do you know the kind of guy? Smart, beautiful, competent, everyone loves him?”

  Judah shifted uncomfortably. “I think you’re making me jealous.”

  “He made everyone jealous. Everything he did turned to gold. He said he wanted to write mysteries. He wrote one, it was a bestseller. He wrote the sequel, it was a bestseller. Things just seemed to fall into his lap. And when we were together, it felt a little dangerous, in a way it’s hard to describe without sounding unfair. I kept thinking, when is this lucky streak going to end? When’s it all going to fall down? I guess I found out.”

  “What happened?”

  “He was based in Atlanta, I was down here, we’d see each other all the time, but he wanted to leave the country, wanted to travel and explore, but I couldn’t leave the shop, you know? Not for the weeks and months he’d be gone. We didn’t fight about it—Ian and I never really fought about anything—but he’d tell me that I was squandering my life here, that there was a whole planet out there to explore, to enjoy. And I guess, when he met Bastian, he realized he’d found someone who would go anywhere with him. And when I met Bastian, I realized the game was over. You should see them side by side. They’re gorgeous. They’re like sun-kissed twins. And I don’t know which thing hurt worse, that I was being replaced by someone clearly better than me…or that Ian still cared. That he still worried over me, thought I wasn’t living up to my potential.”

  Making a face, Judah said, “Please never say the word potential in my presence. I’ve had to hear that all my life. Judah, you have so much potential, why don’t you go work in Silicon Valley?”

  “Ugh.”

  “Double-ugh. So that postcard…that was from him.”

  “Yes. Can you believe it?”

  “So this guy literally broke your foot. As much as if he’d pushed you himself.”

  Now, that was intriguing. Because he’d expected Judah to be devastated over the news that he’d been used to clear Alex’s head…but something else had happened. Judah was sitting up a little straighter. His chest was puffed out a little more.

  Oh my. Are you…are you taking my side against Ian?

  “He had been out of my life so long, see, but then he sent the card, and then he started calling. And he’s worried about me, and it just feels like an assault on my dignity, on my self-reliance. And there you were, so cute and willing, and I thought if I explained things it would break the spell, so I couldn’t tell you about it…”

  “Hm,” Judah said. “Of all the careers I’ve thought about in life—astronaut, dinosaur wrangler, particle physicist—revenge lay was not on my list.”

  Alex smirked. “Well, you’ve got the job if you want it. You’re clearly qualified.”

  “You don’t worry?”

  “I worry all the time. About what, specifically?”

  “Come on, you know what I’m talking about. Sex ruins everything. It breaks friendships.”

  “You were a virgin until last night, how do you know what sex ruins and doesn’t ruin?”

  “I’ve watched a lot of sitcoms.” A joke, but there was a gray tinge of seriousness in Judah’s words that could not be avoided.

  Alex reached over and grabbed his hand. “Look, this is uncharted territory for me too. Since Ian, I haven’t really had the courage to be with anybody. I guess I saw you as safe. You’re Judah, you know? You’re cuddly and warm and funny and sarcastic. And you read, which, I’ve got to tell you, in my professional capacity as a bookseller, not a lot of people around here do! I don’t want to wreck this either. I like talking to you. I just… I like sleeping with you, too.”

  “Not just because you’re enjoying viciously manipulating me?”

  “No. Because… I don’t know why. You calm my head. Everything seems crystal-clear when you’re inside me.”

  Judah blinked. “That’s the kindest and yet most erotic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “I hate the term friends with benefits. I can’t tell you what an awful cliche I find it. But…we’re friends, and I want to stay friends. And if that means no more sneaking off to the back room, okay. But if we can fit this into the friendship…it’d make me happy. It’d make me feel like… I don’t know. Like I was worth something.”

  Oh shit. He hadn’t meant to say that. Hadn’t meant to get that deeply into things, certainly not to the point that tears were pricking at his eyes. Being worth something—being the kind of man that doesn’t get abandoned—that was hard to think about.

  “That’s very sweet,” said Judah.

  “Don’t you give me that sympathetic smile, Mr. Cooper! Now, I know you have something to do out there at your big mansion. And I’ve got work to do here.”

  Judah nodded, and helped him back to his feet. Why did the help feel different now than it had yesterday? When Judah handed him a crutch, it felt more like a gift than an intrusion.

  “So…see you tonight?” asked Judah.

  “Hey, if you feed me another five-star meal, I might just move in there permanently.”

  16

  Judah

  Two days later Judah was in suit and tie, feeling more out of place than he’d ever felt in his life. “Is the tie really necessary?” he asked, trying to brush away Noah’s hands.

  “Of course it is. You can’t have our first guests seeing you in a Zelda t-shirt.”

  “Say what you will about The Legend of Zelda, the series has maintained its relevance for over thirty years.”

  “Yeah?” said Noah, straightening the knot at Judah’s neck. “Why don’t you be sure to keep that fact to yourself once the guests get here?”

  They walked downstairs together and joined Liam and Mason in the foyer.

  “Oh thank god, you got him in a suit,” said Liam.

  “It was hard,” Noah said.

  “We look like we’re going to a wedding,” Judah said, looking at everyone. Only a few people were missing. As much as Liam had wanted Roo to be included, Mama had said opening day was no place for a toddler, and she’d whisked her granddaughter away to visit downtown for a while. Noah’s Dalton was still gone on business, although now he was in Amsterdam.

  And, of course, Alex wasn’t here. But then, Alex wasn’t part of Superbia Springs.

  Don’t think about him right now, Judah warned himself. That’s the last thing you need, while you’re at work.

  These past couple of nights had been
exhausting. There was so much to try, so many moves and positions he’d read about and seen on videos, and Alex had been more than willing to help him through as many of them as his broken leg would allow. I just can’t decide whether I’m a top or a bottom, Judah had breathed last night, and Alex had said better try both, then, before plunging into him. It had been hard to walk for a while after that.

  They had taken breaks, of course, and Judah had run a succession of snacks and drinks upstairs to keep their strength up, and while they ate quiche and drumsticks and petits fours, they’d talked about their favorite books, and their favorite moments in those books.

  It was hard coming back down to the real world. The mansion didn’t feel quite as real without Alex in it.

  “It’s time,” said Liam, looking up from his watch. He tapped the small headset he wore on his ear. “Okay everyone, places.”

  They came from everywhere at once, the entire staff. Chef Xander in his clean starched apron, standing in the door leading to the hall back to the kitchen; Bray taking his place at the marble slab of the front desk; Elihu in his masseur’s whites, strong hands behind his back; maids and bellhops and waiters. All these new people who had turned Superbia Springs from an abandoned but charming mansion, into a full-scale resort.

  Liam strode into the middle of the room, looking as proud as if every person in the room was one of his kids. “All right people. All the work we’ve done has led right to this moment. Rebuilding, renovating and decorating, interviewing, planning, scheduling, it all comes down to this. I want to thank all of you for all the work you’ve done so far, and for all the work you’re about to do. I declare Superbia Springs, for the first time in many, many years, open for business!”

  A cheer went up from the employees, from the family. Noah snapped pictures on his phone to post later on the resort’s website; Judah had already built the shell of the page, Opening Day in a nice bold font at the beginning, a way to memorialize this.

  It was really happening.

  “I can still remember when Liam threatened to sell this place,” he whispered to Noah.