The Life I Left Behind

by LThornhill Crane

  Chapter 16

  We stop at a Denny’s where Doyle has already phoned in for take-out for breakfast. He runs inside to pick up the take out and I stay in the car. We haven’t spoken to each other since our earlier tiff about the lady in the coma.

  Maybe it’s the doctor in him that tells him that the worst is going to happen. Maybe it’s whatever that makes him not human. I don’t know.

  He plops in the seat next to me. It’s raining. It’s been raining all night. Everything looks gloomy.

  “Smile. You have two days off.” He tells me as he starts the car. “We work the same shift. Two on, three off. Three on, two off.” He sighs. “After last night we need a rest, don’t you think?”

  I look out the window and pretend to not hear him.

  “I know you’re not sleeping. What did you say to make Nurse Candi Rickenbaugh so angry?” He chuckles. “I have to know.”

  “She told me that she was a host.”

  “Yes.”

  “She said she had beauty, money and unbelievable sex. That being a host was the best thing she ever did.”

  “Okay.” He waits for me to finish.

  “I asked her if she had everything she wanted, why on earth she was so unhappy.” I tell him.

  To my surprise he laughs heartily. I probably haven’t ever heard him laugh this much. “You told her that? What did she say?”

  “She just stomped away.” I say unhappily. “Really, if she was the one you were hoping to talk me into this gig. She wasn’t very convincing.”

  “No. She is most—” He seemed to be considering the words. “Disagreeable.” He laughs. “Dietrich Rickenbaugh is my closest friend, but I have to admit that he was not careful when he chose her. She is beautiful, yes, but he chose her too young and she has never matured, I’m afraid. All she wants are parties and men. Lots of men. That’s why he brought her here after I came. He was well respected up north, but she was too much trouble and too many people started talking. I suppose he thought the change in scenery would calm her down.” He sighs loudly. “She’s still man crazy.”

  “Doesn’t she have a good looking vampire in her bed?” I see him wince at the word ‘vampire’ but I ask anyway, still stuck on the previous statement. “What does she need men for?”

  “Ah, she likes to flirt, make them want her, perhaps even have a fling then break their heart. She’s had many lovers. Too many- and he is quite liberal compared with me. It is too much – too many lovers even for him to tolerate. Dietrich makes her come to the hospital with him- to keep her out of trouble.”

  “Same reason you brought me.” I remind him.

  “You will get into trouble no matter where you are; I’m afraid.” He says sadly. “Always have. Except now you don’t remember who are friends and who are enemies.” He looks at me with genuine sadness. “There are others…like me. You’ve met one of the un-fallen already.” He says darkly. “Your new friend from your outing yesterday, but they are of little concern to me. They hate us but will not harm our hosts. However there are a few…” He swallows and shakes his head. “Very bad ones. They will know you when you become my host and you will recognize them then. You need to stay far away from those.”

  “So…” I say “There are un-fallen, fallen, and what are the others called?”

  “The dark ones. We don’t speak of those.” He tells me quickly. “Those are where the name comes from and why we hate it so. We are Nephilim. We are simply fallen. They are the Dark Ones- the Vampires of legend. They are deviant, completely given over to evil. They take life without regard. Most of us are not like them.”

  “You’re just- fallen.” I say. “And they’re really, really fallen.” This makes perfect sense. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

  “They are worse than anything you can imagine!” He shouts over at me, suddenly angered by my skepticism. His eyes glow that eerie red hue again and his voice echoes in the relative small space of our car until I can feel the reverberations in my chest. I gulp a breath and wonder why I continue to provoke him knowing what he could do to me with little more than a touch. “And, before you start with the attitude again do I need to remind you, Humans are fallen creatures as well?” He snorts as we enter our driveway.

  “A little matter concerning fruit if you recall?”

  He waits for my argument but there is none. I’m sure I went to Sunday school a couple times when I was little and the story sounds spot on. “Your kind disobeyed God just as we did, so don’t go acting like something you are not!” He growls as he steps out of the BMW and leaves me there alone with my thoughts.

  He’s right. I tell myself. We are fallen creatures. What’s the difference between the two of us?

  We talk little during our breakfast, which I figure is just as well. I have too many questions and he seems miffed at having to answer them.

  One has been dogging me all night though.

  “How many are there of you Doc?” I ask him over a bite of biscuit. “Is the medical center populated with…?” My voice trails off as I catch myself before I say vampire. “Your kind?” I finish.

  “No. Only Dr. Rickenbaugh and I. Hospitals are a good place for us. We can work at night. We can help people. We feed on emotions. There are too many emotions in a hospital. People are upset, or worried. We can calm them by pulling away some of that extra energy. You saw how calm Mrs. Raft was when you went in to her. She was a screaming basket case when she came in. All I had to do was touch her and she calmed enough for us to stitch her up. The other doctors just think I have a way with people.”

  “Though to answer your question: there are several in this city, ten perhaps- besides us.” He chews thoughtfully. “In a large city there could be more- especially in the North. We don’t prefer hot or sunny climates naturally. The Old World has a greater population of our kind. Only a few with a thirst for adventure came to these savage lands during exploration and colonization. There are fewer of us in the Americas, but still a great number.”

  “Do you have like conventions or reunions or something? So you can keep up with each other?”

  He gives me a dark look and slaps down his napkin. “You are especially exasperating this morning. I think I will go for a swim before I am tempted to kill you this fine day!”

  I look at the wall hook where the keys are hanging. He stops before he leaves the dining room.

  “If you are thinking about escaping: don’t. I can catch up with you before you are out of the driveway and since it is now daylight- I will not be in a good mood when I do. I do not like to do it, but if you disobey me -you will be punished. Severely. Humans do not heal quickly and the bruises will be hard to explain.”

  My food tastes like ash in my mouth. Suddenly I have no appetite. What had I told Mrs. Raft last night? “Love does not act improperly…. It is not selfish, is not provoked…. Love does not keep a record of wrongs…” Did I listen to any of my words?

  I don’t know what else to do. I’m stuck here with him for two days. I suppose if he goes to sleep I could slip away. I have to be smart. I’ll bide my time until I decide what to do.

  I meet him with a towel in hand, wearing only a pair of swimming trunks.

  “Would you like to take a swim?” He asks me as if he hadn’t just threatened to kill me.

  “Nope. I’m afraid you’ll be too tempted to drown me.” I growl as I walk past him. “Besides, I remember what happened the last time I swam with you.”

  He smiles and pins me to the wall with a short playful growl. “Really, now. I was only joking about killing you. You know I could never hurt you. I love you, really I do.” He strokes my face with his fingers.

  He’s draining me. I have to get him away.

  “What about punishing me? You said you would do that. Isn’t that hurting me?�
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  “Don’t do anything to get punished for, sweet one.” He purrs in my ear and strokes my hair. “Obey me and all will be well with you. I will give you anything you want.”

  What if I want my freedom? I wonder but I don’t dare say it.

  “You look tired, child. Go upstairs and take a nap. I’ll be up in a bit.”

  In my bedroom I look around. No way of escape here. I could crawl out the window if it wasn’t a straight drop down the side of the mountain. I curl up in my bed and wonder what I can do.

  In several minutes Doyle enters and crawls into the bed beside me.

  “Come now, little one.” He purrs as he stretches out beside me. “It can be pleasant for both of us.”

  “No.” I mumble but there is no fight behind my words. I know I cannot stop him.

  “Relax.” He tells me, and spoons against me. I can feel the muscles of his abdomen and chest against my back. “Let me show you how beautiful it can be.”

  I feel like he is pulling me up, like I am rising up from the bed. My body tingles as we rise up together; warmness covers me, soothing me and lifting me higher and higher until I feel that my spirit cannot be contained by this body. I cry out in ecstasy and in that moment I know that I could give anything, promise anything to him. I want to be with him, I want to become a part of him, anything to stay in this place with him. I shudder and something deep in my spirit tells me that this is wrong. “No.” I mumble then again, louder. “NO!” I scream at him. “Stop! Stop!”

  I feel him release me and I know I’m still in the bed beside him. I haven’t moved, my body trembles like someone with fever and chills.

  “Stop!” I tell him breathlessly.

  I hear him laugh at me. “Oh, come now, dear one. We weren’t even finished. It can be so much better than that. That was only a taste of the pleasure we could have if only you will give yourself to me.”

  “No.” I gasp. “I’m. Not. Ready.” I don’t want him to touch me and yet at the same time I do. I hunger for him and it scares me. “You. Promised you’d wait.”

  “I did.” He assures me. “I can if I want, though. You belong to me. You opened yourself to me… but since I want you to come to me of your own free will… I will wait.” I hear him breathe heavily behind me as if disappointed. “Sleep then.” He purrs and I feel myself slipping into darkness. His touch is a drug. He controls me like a puppet on a string. I cannot fight him. “When you awake you will want… more. You can’t help it. Ask Eve. Once you taste the forbidden fruit, you can never stop wanting it.”

  I dream about the man in the hospital.

  In my dream I see through someone else’s eyes. It’s funny how you can be yourself and someone else at the same time in dreams.

  “I don’t even know why you even go to work!” I spit at him. “Why do you do work for people who can’t pay you?”

  “But honey.” The man says. “They have no way to work right now and three kids and their only car broke down. They said they’ll pay me back.”

  “Yeah, right.” I snap- but then I realize it’s not me who’s talking. It’s her. His wife. “If you hadn’t noticed we have kids and bills to pay too.”

  “We’ll be fine, honey.” He assures me/ her. I feel her anger. She’s so angry she could kill him.

  “Stupid redneck.” She mumbles but loud enough for him to hear her. “I should have never married you. You have no aspirations. We’re living in your grandparent’s house…”

  “It’s fine. It’s paid for. One day we’ll have better.”

  “One day?” She explodes. “You’ve been saying that since we graduated from high school. One day… one day… one day! I’m tired of waiting on one day.” She/ I throw something down in exasperation.

  Wow, I think to myself. What a shrew. I see her on the cellphone. She’s texting someone.

  D. Cell:

  What’s the matter?

  Me:

  Had a fight.

  D. Cell:

  Again? You 2 fight a lot.

  Me:

  I K all the time.

  D. Cell:

  Do you ever think of us? That night…

  Me:

  Every night.

  D. Cell:

  U know u should have been with me all along. When r u going 2 leave him?

  Me:

  I can’t. What about the kids?

  D. Cell:

  Everybody will be happier. They’ll be okay.

  Me:

  I gotta go. I work 2morro.

  D. Cell:

  C u 2morro. Goodnight.

  Me:

  Goodnight Doyle. C u 2 morro.

  Doyle.

  I wonder how he ended up in my dream as the dream changes. Still the same people. I’m still looking through her eyes.

 

  “I don’t want to go. “ I scream at someone. “You can go. Take the kids. Have a fine night.”

  “I told your mother you’d come. You can’t back out. It’s just one night.”

  Dang! He had me, I want to cuss. He told momma I’d come. If I didn’t; I’d hear about it forever. I’d never live it down if I didn’t go to that sermon after he told her I would.

  “It’s important. Your cousin is preaching.” He reminds me.

  “I have to work tomorrow!” The last place I want to go is church. I hate it there. Those people are all up in your business, always talking about you behind your back. We went there for years and were never good enough. I’m tired of trying to impress people who think I’m not good enough.

  At this point I’m ready to live like the devil and give them something to talk about.

  I throw on an outfit for church. I don’t want to be there but I smile and tell them “I’m fine” when they ask.

  I don’t dream about the sermon. Perhaps there was a sermon in my dream but I don’t listen. Inside I’m stewing. How dare he make me come here against my will? It is the end of the sermon when I look around. The pianist is playing “Just as I am” and I want to get out. I grip the pew. I didn’t want to come in the first place. My heart feels like lead. I know God is calling. I know what God wants me to do. God wants me to go to Him. Give my life to Him and stay with my husband. I wanted the baby to live. People said if I had more faith I’d have a living baby in my arms instead of a tombstone to visit. I thought I had faith and it wasn’t enough or God didn’t care. I prayed for it to live. It didn’t and I don’t know if I believe anymore.

  Matt whispers in my ear. “Come with me. We don’t have to do this. We can start over.”

  That was what I wanted to do. Start over.

  Without him.

  He moves toward the altar and I follow, but instead of going forward I leave out the back of the church.

  He catches me in the parking lot. He is crying, begging me to come back inside. “We will talk to the preacher. We can get counseling. We can work this out.”

  “I’m leaving you Matt.” I tell him when he catches up with me. “There’s no counseling. I’m done.”

  He reaches for me, to stop me. I don’t want him to stop me. I say something that I know will knock the breath out of him, even if it’s not true. “I don’t love you anymore. I’ve been having an affair with a doctor at the hospital.”

  He stares at me. The hurt on his face… Oh, God, the hurt. It squeezes me until I don’t think I can stand it.

  I get in the car and speed out of the parking lot; leaving him standing there alone. I’m not going home. I’m going to meet him. I’m going to leave everything and go away with him. Everyone will be happier once I leave and I’m going at last; like I should have done years ago.

  I drive recklessly, wiping my tears away with my fingertips. I cut to the left and head down the mountain. It’s hard to see, I�
�m crying so hard and it’s so dark. Headlights illuminate the inside of the car for a second and I grip the steering wheel in fear. I am afraid it’s Matt and I wonder what he will do to me if he catches me. I hurt him so badly; I have never seen such hurt on someone’s face. He will kill me if he catches me. I think to myself and I breathe a sigh of relief when the headlights disappear. For a second I take my eyes off the road to glance in my rearview. When I turn back I see a figure in white illuminated by the high beams. For a second I think it’s a ghost or an angel and it doesn’t move as I barrel toward it. I scream when I realize it’s a person… a man in white! I slam on the brakes with both of my feet and I feel the gravel slide under my tires before I feel the car go off the road.

  I rise up in my seat. I feel myself weightless. I’m falling.

  That’s when I wake up in a cold sweat. I’m trembling and shaking.

  Doyle flicks on the lights. “What’s wrong?”

  I can’t stop shaking.

  “Are you okay?” He touches my shoulder and I wrench away.

  “Just a nightmare.” I say quickly.

  “What about?” He wants to know. “We don’t dream. The whole thing is fascinating.”

  “About the man in the hospital. The one whose wife was in the coma. I dreamed about her. They were having a fight.”

  “You must have heard them talking while you were in the ICU. I seem to remember they were having some problems before her accident.” He sighs and stretches out. “You hear all kinds of things in the ER, the ICU. People come in distraught. They don’t think about what they say. Don’t worry about it. Go to sleep.”

  “You were in the dream.”

  “Oh, how very interesting, you can tell me about it tonight when we wake. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to get some more rest.”

  I lie down but I can’t get my mind off the dream. It seemed so real. Could I really have overheard all of that in the ICU?

  “I can help you sleep you know.” He tells me.

  “No!” I say too quickly and he laughs and wraps his arms around me nonetheless. I feel my energy drain from me like water from a tub and I try to fight him but I can’t.

  I close my eyes and dread what he can do to me but suddenly I hear music. No, it’s not actual music- it’s in my head. There’s a song stuck in my head but it seems so real. I’ve heard it before. It was the song from the other night; the one on the Christian station.

  I don’t dare tell Doyle. I close my eyes and rest. The song continues to play in my mind and it lulls me to sleep.