Falling into Us

by Jasinda Wilder

“Aren’t you afraid?”

  He nodded. “Hell, yes. I have no problem admitting I’m afraid. I’m nervous. I don’t know what we’re doing…what to do. I’ve heard it might hurt you, and I don’t want that. I just…I want it to be perfect, since it’s our first time, for both of us and as a couple. And I just…I love you, and I don’t want to mess anything up. ”

  I rested my head against his chest, feeling his hands caress my shoulders, my back. I liked having his hands on my skin; it was soothing, relaxing, calming…and erotic. He had full access to all of me like this. A flick of his hands, and I’d be naked. His hands made me forget my fears and accentuated them all at once. So confusing.

  He just held me, smoothing his palms over my spine, my shoulder blades, my arms. I breathed, forcing myself to relax.

  “Do you want to leave, Becca?” His voice was soft, concerned.

  I shook my head against his chest. “No. I don’t. ”

  “You’re sure?” I nodded again. “Then kiss me,” he said, touching my chin.

  I tilted my face up to his, lightly pressed my lips to kiss him. It was gentle, hesitant, almost chaste at first. Then his hands skated over my back, traced the line of my bra strap, descended lower to the small of my back. I gasped into his mouth at his increasingly hungry touch. I pressed closer to him, feeling myself squish against his chest. His hands arced into the sway of my back and over my ass, cupping, holding, and god…so perfect. I felt a hesitation in his kiss, and then he slipped his fingers under the fabric of my underwear, against my skin, skimming over my hips first and pushing my panties down. I stopped kissing him but left my lips against his, opened my eyes and gazed into his bright green stare.

  He pushed my panties farther down, then slid his palms around to touch my bare flesh, and I closed my eyes in a drawn-out blink. My hands were on his shoulders, where they always seemed to gravitate during a kiss. I matched his action, carving my hands down his arms to his waist, his hips, then to the cool hardness of his backside and clutched it, kneaded it, explored it while he did the same to me.

  We were acclimating to each other’s touch, the feel of naked skin. It was a slow introduction to completed nakedness. I’d only touched his man part—I nearly snorted out loud as I thought that silly, girly phrase in my own head. I wondered what to call it. I backed away from him and put my hand on his chest and drew a line downward, stopping just above it.

  Then I grasped it, bold and sudden, and met his startled gaze. “What do you call this?”

  “What?” He was confused by the question.

  I slid my palm down him a bit and then back up. “This…what word do you use?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t really refer to it much. ” He glanced up and to the left as he thought, then flicked his gaze back to me. “If I have to use a word for it, I usually use the word ‘cock,’ I guess. Why?”

  I lifted my shoulder a little. “Just curious. I couldn’t decide. I don’t like most of the words for it. ”

  He laughed. “I don’t, either. Usually, to be honest, it’s just ‘it. ’” He took my hand and drew it away from him, from his “it. ” “You gotta let go, or this will be over before it starts. ”

  I went back to caressing his bu**ocks. “I can touch you here, right?”

  He blushed, and it was adorable. “Yeah, if you want. I like it. ”

  “You do?”

  He shrugged, his hands resting on my hips. “Yeah. ” He slid his palms around to my backside. “Do you like this?”

  I nodded, never taking my gaze from his. “Yes, I do. A lot. ” I still had my underwear partially on, which felt silly, so I wiggled out of them. “Now what?”

  “The bed?”

  I let him guide me backward until my knees hit the edge of the bed, and I sat down, letting his body wedge my knees apart. His green gaze never wavered from mine as I scooted backward across the mattress, Jason following me. He reached past me and jerked the blankets and sheet away, and then I was on my back against the pile of pillows, Jason above me, my heart pounding, my nerves racing and my pulse thrumming and my skin singing and his hands sliding up my thighs.

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  I swallowed hard as he hovered above me. Everything inside me was at war. I wanted this so badly. I was terrified, I was eager, I was feeling sexy and desired, yet awkward and unsure. Jason paused, then swore under his breath. He was off the bed before I could ask him what the problem was, digging into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a string of condoms.

  Oh. Oh, god. That made it all the more real. It was really going to happen, if I didn’t chicken out first.

  He set them on the nightstand and slid onto the bed next to me, rather than above me. I traced the curve of his pectoral muscle. “I started birth control,” I said.

  He seemed shocked. “You did?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. My cousin Maria took me to a clinic last week. So…I’m protected, even without those. ”

  “Should we use them anyway?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably? Just to be…extra sure?”

  He nodded, and his fingers slid along my hipbone, over my stomach and up between my br**sts. “Before this goes any further, I just wanted to tell you…I love you. ”

  I smiled, the wall of nerves and fear melting a bit. “I love you, too. How’d you know I needed to hear that?”

  His index finger followed the swell of my breast. “I guess I just wanted you to hear it, to know how I felt before we got…involved in things, so you’d know I wasn’t just saying it in the heat of things, you know? That I really feel it. I really love you. ”

  I tipped my body closer to his, trying desperately to mimic his sense of comfort with his own nudity. I wanted to cover up, to pull the blankets over my body, to cross my arms over my br**sts and my legs over my privates. I didn’t, though. I summoned all my courage and let him see all of me. His gaze raked down over my body, over my br**sts and hips, my legs, and then to the “V” between my thighs.

  I called up the memory of how it had felt to have him touch me there, how the detonation within me had felt. It would be worth all this awkwardness to feel that again. There was no question of that.

  “Kiss me, Jason. ”

  He leaned into me, his lips gently settling on mine, tenderly seeking out my response. I opened my mouth to his, let my tongue explore his lips, his teeth, letting my own hunger overtake me. It wasn’t enough to erase my doubts and fears, but it was enough to let me go on despite them. His palm cupped my hipbone, tilted my body so I was flat against the bed and he hovered over me from the side, his mouth never leaving mine. My thighs were pressed tight together, and when his fingers trailed over the hollow of leg and hip, I unconsciously clamped them tighter together. His hand slid down my thigh, over the quadricep and to my knee, dipped down between my legs and began a slow path upward, trailing fire along my skin. I forced my thighs to loosen as his touch rose upward, closer and closer. I called the memory of his touch into my mind, pushed out the doubt. I made myself touch him, and then let myself get lost in the heat of his skin, the hardness of his muscles, let myself enjoy the feel of his body under my hand. I touched him everywhere I could reach, except there. Lying down in a bed, his body bare against mine…the reality of imminent sex was overwhelming, and I wasn’t sure I was ready suddenly. I didn’t want to stop his touch, though. The callused pads of his index and middle fingers were at the juncture of my thighs, and I was shaking all over, panting, our kiss broken. I felt his eyes on me, and I knew I was still clamped down too hard for him to touch me properly. I had to loosen up or put a stop to the whole thing.

  “Are you sure about this, Becca? We can stop. ” His voice was low, close to my ear.

  Somehow his words, so concerned, so genuine, made me determined to experience this. I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want this. I wasn’t sure, not one hundred percent; I was mostly sure, an
d that had to be enough.

  I relaxed my knees first, then my thighs. I met his gaze, his green eyes soft and so full of so much love. I forced my muscles to go slack, and I realized as I did so that my whole body was tensed and taut, even the hand wedged between our bodies curled into a fist.

  “I’m sure. I’m just…nervous,” I said.

  “So am I. ”

  “You don’t seem like it. ”

  He traced a line down my thigh, then back up the other one, each touch making me alternately tense and relax. “I am, though. I’m trying to play it cool, but…I’m nervous, too. ”

  “Scared, or nervous?”

  “Both? I don’t want to stop, though. I don’t want to you to feel pressured. ”

  “But you want this?”

  “Absolutely. ” There was no hesitation in his voice at all.

  I moved my legs apart, and his touch skated into the gap, a single finger tracing my opening, an almost-tickling brush along the sensitive skin. I breathed out with the fire of his finger’s grazing up and down, let my legs fall farther apart. I realized my eyes were closed again and forced them open, met his eyes. His gaze searched me for demurral as he slipped the tip of his finger into me, and I gasped, letting my hips lift a bit. It was enough of an encouragement for him.

  Oh…he’d found the perfect place to touch me, and I couldn’t help but gasp again, breathe in and tilt my head back, raise my hips, widen my thighs, and silently urge him onward. How did he know exactly what I needed? How did he know that felt so good? Was he lying about having never done this before me? No, I knew he wasn’t, but the thought crossed my mind, because his finger at my clitoris was so perfect, exactly what I needed to let desire sweep over me.

  Within seconds I was at the edge of explosion, a few circles of his fingers enough to have me writhing. It didn’t take much, I realized. I’d heard other girls talking about how they couldn’t make it happen, that they’d faked it with their boyfriends, or exaggerated their reactions. I couldn’t fathom that. All it took was his touch, his fingers just there touching me, and I was lost, unable to hold back the whimpers escaping me. How could anyone fake it? How could you fake such glorious rapture? I was moaning as I came apart, my breathing ragged and my body trembling, not from nerves now but with tremors of ecstasy.

  I heard something crinkle and then he was kneeling over me, his hands beside my head. I opened my eyes just in time to see his mouth descend to my breast, and he took a nipple in his mouth, drawing a groan from me. And then I felt it, a gentle pressure between my thighs. His hands were visible on either side of my face, so I knew what it was.

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  His eyes sought mine. “Becca? Is this okay? Are you ready?”

  All the world fell away, and all that remained was Jason’s eyes on mine, his breathing slow and his lips close to mine…and the hot, hard presence between my legs. I hesitated, suddenly unsure all over again. He felt my hesitation and began to pull away, so sweet, so considerate, and that decided me. I reached between us, my heart hammering in my chest so hard I was sure he could see the pounding against my ribs. I grasped him in my fist, so soft and warm yet iron hard. He gasped at my touch, his eyes going hooded. I nestled him between the damp lips of my privates and drew in a long breath.

  “I’m r-rrr-ready. ” It was the first time I’d stuttered in weeks. He caught it, of course, and hesitated. I slid my palms down his back and pulled him closer to me. “I promise—I’m ready. ” I made sure my voice was strong, sure, and confident.

  All things I didn’t entirely feel. Oh, god. Only the very tip of him was inside me, and it was so much more than his fingers had been. I refused to think about the stories I’d heard of other girls’ first time. This was all that mattered. I wanted this. I was only partially convincing myself.

  I kept my eyes on his, let them close and leaned up to kiss him. He slid forward a tiny bit, and I gasped into his mouth as he filled me slowly. It hurt. I couldn’t stop my eyes from flying open and my body from tensing. It felt like an invasion. I was so, so stretched. Jason had frozen stone-still.

  “Are you okay?” He sounded worried.

  I nodded. “Yeah, just…wait a moment. ” He was tense; I felt his muscles knotting and going rock hard under my hands. Slowly, my body became used to his presence, and then I nodded. “I’m okay. A little more. ”

  “Does it hurt?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said, knowing he’d want the truth. “But it’s okay. It’s not too bad. It’s getting better. Go a little deeper. ”

  He adjusted his weight and moved his hips toward mine, sliding himself deeper. That’s when I felt the pressure of blockage, and I knew what was coming next. I don’t know if he felt it, but I knew there was nothing for it but to let him push past it. I held onto him, one arm around his neck, the other around his waist, and I pulled him by his bu**ocks against me. There was a short, sharp pinch, and I couldn’t keep the gasp of pain from escaping. The sense of fullness, of being stretched out, increased as he moved deeper, and now that feeling was moving from discomfort to something like pleasure. The pain was lessening, and his hips were flush against mine. I pressed my lips to his shoulder and focused on my physical feelings. Now that the worst part was over, the fullness wasn’t so alien a sensation. It felt…right, and more so with every passing moment. He was still against me, trembling. I realized this wasn’t going to last much longer, and I wanted it to. I said nothing, but placed my palm on his cheek and rocked my hips against his, meaning just to encourage him, but when I did so, that tiny motion of rolling my body against him…a rocket of heat shot through me, a lightning bolt striking me low in my belly.

  “Oh,” I gasped, my mouth going wide. I did it again, rocking my hips against his, but harder this time. “Oh…oh, god. ”

  Jason’s body was rock-hard, every muscle flexed. He was holding back, trying to last. “This is…amazing,” he said, his voice a ragged murmur.

  “Move with me,” I whispered.

  He breathed a sigh of relief and drew back, only to plunge forward again, and I whimpered at the way that felt. It sent a different kind of thrill through me than when I’d rolled my core against him, but both felt amazing. He drew back, and this time I moved to meet him, thrusting against him, and we both groaned, almost in unison.

  “I’m not gonna—I can’t stop…” Jason’s voice was a low whisper against my ear.

  I knew what he was saying. “It’s fine,” I whispered back to him, whispering low as though speaking out loud would break the moment. “Don’t…don’t stop yourself. ”

  He was moving in a rhythm now, each motion growing more desperate. “I couldn’t if I tried,” he murmured.

  I was on fire all over, and even though I hadn’t expected to orgasm again, I was close. I moved with him, seeking my own release, knowing he was feeling pleasure and letting myself seek my own. I crushed my body against him, wanting to get closer, needing more, more, more. I remembered something I’d seen on True Blood, and lifted my legs to wrap them around his waist.

  “Shit…that feels good,” Jason said.

  “So good,” was all I could manage.

  I used my legs to pull him against me, and the pressure built higher, the heat inside me billowing to nearly unbearable proportions. He was moving fast, and I’d have thought it would hurt to have him slam against me like he was, but it didn’t. I liked it. Each thrust sent me higher, and I knew he was about to lose it, and I wanted him to.

  My fingers clawed into his shoulders, and I gripped him close as if to make sure he didn’t stop.

  Then the earth fell apart beneath me. My body shuddered, tensed, and exploded. What I’d felt before was barely a tremor in the ground compared to the juddering earthquake shaking through me now. I whimpered, and then he crashed against me, crying out, and I felt the explosion cut loose inside me and heard an actual scream leave my mouth as I came moments after he did. <
br />
  We both moved together in sync, breathing hard and gasping and moaning.

  “Oh, f-fuck,” I said. “I didn’t know it would feel l-like th-that. ”

  He laughed at my uncharacteristic use of the F-bomb. “Me, neither,” he said, stilling above me.

  And then it was over. The whole thing had lasted less than five minutes, but it was a life-changing, earthshaking five minutes.

  Jason slid off me and went into the bathroom. I giggled at the sight of his naked backside as he walked away. Then he came back to me and slid into the bed beside me. “Did you bleed?”

  I pushed the sheets away and sat up. The sight of the bright red spot on the bed brought reality crashing down around me. I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Something about that blood opened the floodgates. I felt my eyes burn, and I didn’t want to cry, but I was just so overwhelmed that I couldn’t stop it.

  Jason had me against his chest before the first tear had fallen. “Becca? Why are you crying?” He sounded afraid, and I knew he had to be assuming the worst, but I was in the process of completely losing it and couldn’t speak as shuddering overtook me, tears sluicing down my face. “Oh, god, Becca. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

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  I shook my head against his naked chest. “No,” I choked out. “I’m just…just over-overwhelmed. N-not upset. ”

  He sighed in relief. “You’re not mad at me?”

  I giggled through my tears. “Mad? Why would I be mad?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. You saw the blood and started crying, and I thought…I don’t know. I thought maybe you regretted doing this…with me. ”

  I wrapped my arms around him, sitting on his lap and still crying. “No, Jason. No. I don’t. I’m overwhelmed is all. It was so much better than I’d ever thought it could be, better than I’d heard some girls talk about their first time having been. ”

  “Really?” He sounded hopeful.

  I nodded. “Yeah. I don’t think most girls have an…an orgasm their first time. ” I tilted my head back to meet his eyes. “You gave me that. ”

  He blushed but looked pleased. “I’m glad. Did it hurt bad?”

  I shook my head. “A little at first, and then it pinched when…you know. But then it didn’t hurt at all after that, and it started to feel good. Really good. ”

  There was still so much going on inside me that I couldn’t express. I didn’t regret what we’d just done, but I knew I was different. That was a moment that could never be experienced again. I wasn’t a virgin any longer, I wasn’t a girl anymore; I was a woman now.

  I came again the second time, even harder than the first, and Jason lasted even longer, bringing us both to rapture and trembling ecstasy. I knew, as I drifted sleepily in his arms after the second time, that I’d never be able to get enough of this. I wanted more even as I felt the aftershocks still shaking me.