The Desert Midwife

by Fiona McArthur

  She tried to settle her pounding heart as it thumped with a foolish hope that things had changed and Zac simply hadn’t had a chance to tell her, no matter how sensibly she admonished herself to stop.

  Her ID card wavered a bit as she held it over the scanner and she blew out a breath as she slipped through the staff entrance to emergency. Skimming the large open area quickly, she zoomed in on him. There he stood, side-on, talking to a patient. Her heart sped up and she growled at herself, Easy.

  She hung back a little just to savour the tilt of his head, the breadth of his shoulders, the flash of his smile as he joked with the man on the gurney.

  She remembered Zac so vividly beneath her hands that she couldn’t help the slow curl of anticipation that grew in her stomach. She tried to keep it in check, but damn it. Just once more, if she got the chance, yes, she would fight for him one more time. She stepped towards him and waited for a break in the conversation.

  ‘Anything you’d like me to do, Doctor?’ Ava’s voice came out quietly, but still it made him freeze without turning. He tilted his head as if the cadence seemed familiar, and for a heart-stopping moment she thought he remembered, but when he slowly turned to look at her she knew he hadn’t.

  ‘Hello, Ava,’ he said.

  She extended her hand, forcing him to touch her. He hesitated, but she stood in front of him with fingers outstretched and she gave him no choice. When he did his hand felt warm and wonderful beneath hers, and she felt his shock at the moment of contact. They dropped hands.

  ‘You look well,’ he said. Yes, her scar was healing well and the bruising was gone, but she didn’t feel as well as he suggested. Her heart played up.

  He’d gained a little weight and his shoulders seemed broader, and the colour in his cheeks meant his skin shone with health even under the emergency department’s fluorescent lights. She dragged her eyes away from him to the patient waiting behind him, to ground herself. She smiled vaguely at the fellow.

  The man lifted a finger but kept texting on his phone, so the silence between them remained.

  ‘Your holiday is over?’ Zac’s voice broke the unexpected trance completely.

  She cleared her throat. Right. ‘Yes. I’ve been seconded down here from maternity. I hear you’re busy. Is there something I can do for you?’

  He indicated the man beside him. ‘I’ve suturing to do, I thought in SR 1, if you’d like to set up for that? Thank you.’

  She walked towards the little suture room and pushed open the door. She’d done this many times, but until Zac walked in pushing the gurney she’d forgotten how small the room was. The best thing she could do would be to concentrate on setting out the instruments. Work. There was always enough of that.

  Ava felt strangely content to hover quietly and pass Zac the instruments he needed, although the job felt successfully completed in too short a time. Assisting him soothed her and the sight of him, so tall and vital, eased the part of her that still woke sweating with memories of when she’d thought he’d died. He, on the other hand, seemed a little distracted and she wondered if her arrival had unsettled him. She mentally crossed her fingers. She damned well hoped so because that was only fair.

  After he’d finished an impressive repair job, she dressed the man’s wound and the orderly came with a wheelchair to take the patient to his relatives. Yep. It was all over too soon.

  Zac turned from the sink, where he’d removed his gloves and washed his hands. ‘We work well together. Did we do that much?’

  Normal conversation. She could do that. ‘Enough. Mostly maternal emergencies when we called in extra help.’ She steeled herself to say it. ‘Before I see if anyone else needs me, would you like to meet up tomorrow, one last time? I thought, since you’ve come back here and some time has passed, you might have questions you’d like to ask me.’ She’d rehearsed that in case she needed it.

  His head shot up and her heart skipped to see he was relieved she’d offered. ‘Yes, thank you, I would.’ There was no hesitation there and she eased the breath she’d been holding out of her frozen lungs. ‘Are you working any day shifts?’ he asked.

  ‘No. I mostly work nights.’

  ‘Me too. I’m off tomorrow until eight in the evening. What time do you wake up? How about supper before you come to work?’

  ‘How about we meet in the morning, instead? Then I’ll sleep after.’ She knew she wouldn’t sleep waiting to see him.

  ‘Even better. Breakfast, then. Eight o’clock. My shout. Do you have a place you prefer?’

  She named the hotel he’d stayed at the first week all those weeks ago and he nodded. ‘That’s where I’m staying.’

  She didn’t say, I know. We slept there together. Instead she said, ‘Fine, see you in the dining room there at eight. If I’m late it’ll be because of work.’

  He smiled at her and it was that sweet, caring smile she remembered. It almost broke her heart. ‘No problem. I’ll be patient.’

  She nodded and glanced at the swinging suture-room door. She should go and do something useful and so should he.

  ‘Ava.’ His low voice held such a gentle quality she could have wept.

  ‘Yes?’

  The blue-green of his eyes shadowed. ‘I can see this isn’t easy for you. Thank you for offering.’

  She felt her eyes sting. Do not give me sympathy. Do not! ‘I’d better get back out there.’ And with that she left. It felt incredibly difficult to walk away, but at least she’d seen him. She had a plan. Now he just needed to find his memories in that big, beautiful head of his and fall in love with her again. Or she would have to say goodbye forever.

  Chapter Forty-seven

  Zac

  The next morning, Zac waited and the minutes ticked past. He wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t show at all, but what he did know of her said that wouldn’t happen. He wished he’d met Ava ten years ago. When he’d still believed in fairytales.

  Now he knew about this ring, he needed the story behind it, but it was the one thing he wasn’t going to ask. The risk of upsetting her was too great.

  When Ava arrived, he watched her with an intensity he couldn’t prevent, and his heart kicked with unexpected recognition his brain didn’t get. It didn’t help the decision he’d come to.

  There was something about the way she moved, though, that was distracting him. She had dressed casually in long shorts and an open-necked shirt that tugged at him, but he couldn’t pin it to a memory. Her blonde hair hung loosely around her face in damp tendrils and she brushed it away from her face as she walked. She’d stopped to shower but looked unhurried and graceful as she sailed past the doorman with a smile, then raised a hand as she crossed the foyer towards him.

  He could feel his mood lift, and automatically he stood as she approached. ‘You look too good to have just finished night shift.’ The words came from somewhere deep. Though now that she stood closer, he could see her eyes seemed weary but not defeated.

  ‘I’ll get my rest. How are you?’

  ‘Looking forward to breakfast with you.’

  She sat and he did too. As she studied him, she said, ‘Why do you think you feel that way?’

  It was a challenging question, especially since both of them had been up all night. He smiled quizzically at her. ‘Isn’t it usual to feel uplifted by having breakfast with a beautiful woman?’

  ‘I have no idea. You tell me.’ She shrugged and didn’t seem particularly thrilled by his compliment. He had the feeling she was focused on a course of action or conversation and wouldn’t be swayed.

  He grimaced. ‘So, maybe finding some answers to things I want to know is a relief as well.’ He handed her a menu. ‘I thought we’d order off the menu. To save bouncing up and down for courses from the buffet.’

  ‘Sounds fine.’ She looked over the top of the menu sheet. ‘Have you remembered anything?’

  He shook his head in frustration. ‘I’m beginning to think I won’t. There’s plenty of medical literature that says it
can go either way.’

  She sat back in her seat and regarded him sombrely. ‘I think I’m coming to a sort of peace about that.’

  Lucky you. ‘I wish I was.’ The nightmares wouldn’t let him.

  ‘Maybe you should. Though I guess it’s easy for me to say –’ she grimaced as she went on – ‘but it’s two weeks of your life, not mine.’

  ‘I took a week of yours trying to remember.’

  ‘Yes, you did, but I don’t regret it.’ She sat straighter in the chair. ‘So? Would you like to know the details of our first meeting? You know how we met, but we never did get down to the nitty-gritty of how we spent our time together.’

  Too right. He needed the details of why he’d created such an impact with a woman who at most should have been a fling. And why he’d bought a ring. ‘Yes, I would. If you’re happy to put it out there.’

  The waiter arrived and they ordered. As soon he’d left she said, ‘As I said before, we met on a flight from Sydney. During the flight we had a few wines, talked a lot, and after it – we ended up in your bed instead of at dinner.’

  He blinked. First night? Then he watched her cheeks flush, but her eyes didn’t waver. He had the feeling she’d rehearsed that line to get it out in one go and that was brave. She really was incredible.

  He wanted to hug her and say he respected her fearlessness, except he was still replaying what she’d said. ‘That doesn’t sound like something the Ava I met at your family station or the one at work would normally do.’ He spread his hands. ‘I’d have to say it doesn’t sound like me, either.’ He lifted his chin and met her gaze. ‘We must have connected?’

  ‘Oh, we connected, all right.’ She looked away and he wished she hadn’t. But he guessed he owed her the privacy of her own thoughts when she was being so open. When she turned back to him, her face showed only a slight smile. ‘It was a crazy rush the first time, but –’ their eyes met – ‘even in the rush, we were responsible adults.’ Her meaning was delicate but clear. He had been concerned about contraception and felt himself relax.

  She didn’t miss his relief and her smile disappeared. She went on in the same quiet voice, as if giving clinical handover on the ward for a patient. Her control impressive. ‘You gave me the idea that one night was a one-off, ships-in-the-night thing, and we made no plans to meet again.’

  That he could believe. It was most likely his decision, not hers, judging by her care of him since.

  She went on quietly. ‘Then, unexpectedly, the next night we met again at work. On the flight you’d asked not to discuss work or family, and yes, it was a small shock when we ended up on the same ward. I followed your lead and pretended we were strangers, but you approached me the next morning and asked me back to your place again.’

  That sounded so ballsy and not like him. ‘I was that crass?’

  ‘Can’t have been too crass.’ She shrugged and spread her hands. ‘I said yes.’

  Indeed. ‘I must have been persuasive.’ He wouldn’t have thought he’d have had it in him after Roslyn.

  She didn’t comment on that. ‘We had four days, every hour until the next shift started, until my move on to Yulara before holidays. You said you’d come down to the rock for the weekend.’

  The waiter arrived with her black tea and his coffee. Another arrived with her cereal and toast and his eggs. When they left he asked what he’d been dying to ask. ‘Did I talk about when I’d go back to Sydney? Did we think we had a future?’

  She took her time pouring her tea. ‘I was off to Yulara on Sunday and then holidays and wouldn’t be back in Alice for a month. You were meant to be back in Sydney after that.’ She raised her gaze to his. ‘I tried not to have expectations before Yulara.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He must have thought it was going nowhere, then. But when did the ring come into it? ‘That seems a pretty big ask. And you’re still talking to me?’

  ‘Funny that.’ She laughed, but it sounded too hollow to be amused. ‘You never promised anything, so my expectations were low.’

  So he hadn’t asked her to marry him. Was the ring planning or in case? It was pretty impulsive after four days and so hard to believe of himself. But then Ava was a very special woman – he’d certainly learned that at Setabilly.

  She was going on. ‘I half expected we would end when I left after our last night shift together.’ She shrugged. ‘Except you came to Yulara.’

  He couldn’t help leaning forward in anticipation of discovering what happened next.

  She smiled at him and the memory must have been pleasant. ‘You arrived as Jessamine had her twins.’

  ‘The forgotten twin birth.’

  ‘Yes. The birth went smoothly, thank goodness. It was good to have you there.’ She looked away before she went on. ‘Then we drove out to Uluru and the accident happened.’ She’d left something out. He didn’t know how he could be sure of that, but he was. She obviously had her reasons.

  ‘And then the accident happened,’ he repeated.

  He remembered the description from the nurse in Yulara. His agitation, his loss of blood, which Ava had stopped before he’d bled out, and his critical condition in a place where advanced care wasn’t available. And Ava, who had refused to let him die.

  He’d put her through a lot. ‘I’m sorry I got amnesia.’

  She cast a critical eye over him. ‘You are high-maintenance.’

  He laughed.

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Ava

  I shouldn’t have said that, Ava thought, but when he laughed, the tension that had been building between them began to disappear like the tea in her cup, which she was hiding behind. And she hadn’t told him the most important thing.

  He held up his hands in surrender. ‘I admit, I have been very high-maintenance.’

  They both smiled. ‘To be fair,’ she said, ‘only when you’re being knocked unconscious and refuse to remember you know me. And in your defence, I was driving.’

  She would have taken that workload any day. She loved him and she was terrified of this not going anywhere if he didn’t remember. But she wasn’t telling him that. She needed to see if he’d thought about a future with her even if he didn’t remember what had gone before.

  ‘Do you still have any expectations, Ava?’ He ruined her set-up. Damn. He got in first.

  She hadn’t mentioned the proposal. Technically he hadn’t asked, and she’d decided she wasn’t going to risk him feeling trapped if she told him.

  ‘I’m learning not to have expectations, Zac.’ She gave him a level stare. ‘But that’s not my question to answer. It’s yours. I’ve put myself out there, told you how it was. Now you tell me what you think.’ Did he feel enough for her to stay and try again?

  ‘Fair enough.’ They stared at each other across the table and the tension rose again.

  The waiter arrived, unasked, with fresh tea for Ava, which impressed her because she’d been trying to squeeze more out of the empty pot and the idea of having a whole new array of things to use to avoid his eyes was a great relief.

  ‘Would you like more coffee, sir?’

  ‘No, thank you.’ He didn’t take his eyes off Ava and she could feel the tempo of her heart increasing like she was running down a hill and couldn’t stop. She did hope there wasn’t a brick wall at the bottom of this hill. But she would live if she hit it.

  The waiter left and the silence stretched.

  Finally, he spoke. ‘Thank you. You’ve been very open and honest. And all I can say is if I gave you the impression that we had a long-term possibility then I’m sorry. Maybe I had a madness that made me ignore the reality of any sort of relationship between you and me, but you belong here.’ He spread his hands helplessly. ‘Long distance, different worlds …’ He looked as unhappy as she felt. ‘Maybe I was ignoring the truth.’

  She needed him to say it out loud so she could stop this false hope that was killing her. ‘And what is that truth, Zac?’

  ‘I think you’d be much be
tter off without me.’

  Bang. She wished now she hadn’t asked as agony sliced through her and she concentrated fiercely on hiding it. Running downhill into a brick wall could not have been more painful. Get yourself out of here, Ava.

  She rose from her seat. ‘Thank you for being honest. I wish you well,’ she said: no inflection, no subliminal message, just a pleasantry. ‘Goodbye, Zac.’

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Zac

  Zac fingered the ring in his pocket as she walked away. His eyes stayed on her until she passed through the door into the car park. He watched her disappear, feeling like he’d just missed a brilliant opportunity or a very important event.

  One that he might have waited his whole life for – except that he couldn’t remember what it was.

  He hated the feeling. He also felt bad for Ava, though he had told himself he was doing this for her benefit – in the long run. At least he’d learned that he hadn’t made a commitment he didn’t follow through on. No breach-of-promise suit – not that she was that kind of woman.

  But there was no doubt that now was the time to leave the midwife alone. No more meetings or rehashing or creating opportunities to hurt her. Enough! He could see it was too dangerous for her and they needed to let go.

  When Zac arrived at work that night, he tried very hard not to think of Ava. But it was quiet when he needed crazy busy. Now, three hours later, he glanced at the clock. Eleven pm. She would be on shift in the maternity ward.

  The circle of thought started again. She’d been so fearless in the telling … She’d looked amazing … She was so incredibly brave … Her mouth …

  He wished someone would come in with chest pain or something equally critical that he’d need to concentrate on. But the night dragged unusually slowly.

  Of course he and Ava wouldn’t have worked. He was no cowboy sitting on a fence in the centre of Australia chewing … what had Poddy said the cows chewed out here? Mulga. He wouldn’t be chewing mulga grass as he ran a station. And she’d never be happy in Sydney, away from the people she cared about, both her family and the women who needed her advocacy up and down the road from here to Katherine. He’d seen firsthand her passion for the women of the communities and remote midwifery. Stella had that right.