by Rita Hestand
His face was a mask, she couldn't tell anything about what he was thinking.
"We will marry tomorrow." He told her solemnly. "The women will take you to bathe away the impurities, if you actually have any." He said softly.
"Of course."
"Then you will be dressed and guided to the marriage grounds which will have been blessed. We will say prayers, and drink from a two spouted vase. We will wear our blue blankets signifying our past lives that we will put away from us, then we will eat mush from all corners of the earth. After more prayers and chanting, they will put a white blanket over us to signify our union of being one. We will ride a pony to our tepee in the forest. We will be married. But know this, I will not take you unless you want it. And you must tell me you want it."
"It is fair, perhaps one day." she answered almost anxiously. He looked so handsome standing there, staring at her. She felt an urge to go into his arms to welcome him home, but she stood still. She had been foolish with Big Knife as she would not do the same again. "But first, I have a confession to make." She said looking into his eyes now.
"I see, then go ahead and confess, I will listen." He smiled.
She bowed her head. "While you were away, I went back to my camp. Actually, two times… "
"I see, go on." He encouraged. There was no anger in his voice now, but he seemed eager to hear it all.
"The first time I left, I went to see my father."
"There is nothing wrong with that." Black Wolf nodded.
"Yes, well, the second time, I didn't get there. I heard voices before I got to the camp. It was Big Knife and Naomie. They were making love. In the woods."
Black Wolf's head raised a bit in surprise. "That had to be unpleasant for you."
"Embarrassing mostly." She replied. "They are madly in love with each other, and I never realized it. What a fool I have been."
"It is easy to be a fool when one is in love."
"Perhaps, but this was the first time I thought I was in love. Still, I know little about it. Black Wolf, he is going to marry her, and he only bothered with me because I was the chief's daughter. Just like you said about your women, they would love being married to the chief, but they forget you are also a man. So Big Knife forgot I was a woman too."
Black Wolf nodded, "Now you can appreciate why I did not marry one of my tribe. I am a chief and that is why all the women wanted to marry me. Not because I am a man. But I am a man first, just as you are a woman first not a daughter of a chief. So it would seem we have much in common. And Sasha, I knew about the first time you left."
"You did?" she shrieked.
"Yes, I did. But the fact that you have come to me, and admitted it freely, before we marry, makes me feel we might can trust each other."
She nodded numbly, "Yes, I agree. And trust is important, is it not."
"It is. I have missed you!" he said softly.
"I-I… " she stared into his eyes.
Then suddenly he was kissing her, with such sweet abandon she clung to him. When he finally released her, he stared into her face, "I am glad you told me. Trusting one another is the first step to love… goodnight my sweet."
She stared with an open mouth. "Goodnight." she whispered.
But before he walked away, she called to him, "You're not upset?"
He looked over his shoulder at her, with a smile on his lips. "Where there is truth, there is no anger."
"I missed you too!" she admitted.
He turned to smile at her from a distance. "It is good with us, Sasha. We have made a good start."
Chapter Nine
It was a bright and beautiful morning. Despite her earlier qualms about getting married, the three girls and their mother were so excited, even Sasha felt a bit elated. They took her after breakfast to a pond where she would bathe, the girls had brought special fragrances to enhance her appeal. They all got in with her and she washed her hair and body vigorously.
Afterward they helped her dress and did her hair in a beautiful braid on top her head. She had never thought herself pretty, but she knew she looked especially nice today with all the care they had given her.
The elders of the tribe sanctified the area where they were to be married and readied it for them.
Everyone was in a good mood and Sasha began to feel apprehensive. Not about Black Wolf, but about her wifely duties. Could she please this man? Could she be true to this man? Could she accept him as her husband, after all marrying anyone was for once in a lifetime?
She went to her blanket and kneeled down to pray to the Creator. The girls watched in fascination.
Little Fawn smiled, "It is good she takes the ceremony seriously. She's marrying our chief and will be our Shaman too. I am glad to see her pray."
The girls then escorted her out of the tepee and toward the marrying grounds.
They placed the blue blanket around her and led her to where Black Wolf would meet her.
Everyone wore their best clothes to the ceremony as the chief was marrying today. There was dancing and singing.
When Black Wolf saw her, his eyes took on a serious glint. His lips formed a slight smile as he met her.
He was breathtaking, she almost swooned, in his white leather shirt with the fringe, his white breechcloth and his white leggings and mocs. It was the first time she really looked at him since the battle, and he took her breath away.
The chants began. All the way to the alter, there was music and singing and dancing. But as soon as they came to the oldest elder, they stopped.
A vase with two spouts was offered to them as the elder chanted the words that would bring them together. They drank from the vase, then they were offered the corn mush, and Black Wolf led the way for her to go around the bowl and eat from each corner of the universe. A prayer was offered and then the youngest elder took their blue blankets and spread the white one over them.
Black Wolf looked at her now, his eyes serious once more.
He finally led her to the pony that would take them to their tepee in the deep woods.
When they arrived, he led her into the tepee and took the blanket off her and folded it neatly and put it aside by the doorway of the tepee.
There was all manner of food prepared for them, and blankets were spread for them on the ground. A fire greeted them with warmth as the air was a bit nippy.
She sat upon the blanket while Black Wolf got them some food.
He was quiet and she couldn't find the words to make them more comfortable. What did he expect of her, she wondered? She would wait for him to lead. She had seen many weddings, none better than her own, but she never knew what came next.
"Are you hungry," he offered the plate of food for her.
She took a wild strawberry.
He took one too.
When they had eaten some, he took her hand and held it. "I must tell you—you look very beautiful."
The way he always stroked the top of her hand had her relaxing.
"The girls worked on the dress every day. I hadn't seen all of it until this morning. I couldn't believe all the work they put into it." She told him. "The special stones from the earth, the beads and quill work, I have never seen such a beautiful dress before."
"They are happy for you. They like you."
"I like them too."
"They are good people and that is why I chose them for you to live with until we married. And what do you think of your husband?" He asked boldly.
"You are a very handsome man." She said with a shy smile, "but of course, you must know that."
"It is good to know that I can please you in some way." He said a bit throatily.
His words startled her. "You please me in many ways." She added. She saw he was a bit moody, but then, so was she.
"It is hard to know what to say now." She said lowly. "When you brought me here, after fighting Big Knife for me, I was upset and didn't know what to think of anything. But now… I am not sure what I think still."
He rubbed the
top of her hand slowly with his thumb, "During the ceremony you seemed very solemn, but I suppose it is hard to know your own feelings after just losing the man you loved."
She bowed her head, wondering how she should respond to that. "Yes, I suppose you are right. But I'm married now and have to put that away from me. I am your wife, and I must respect that. And I have put it away, Black Wolf. Just as my father told me I should. My thoughts are not of him. Betrayal is something you don't overcome, but you do put it away before it poisons you. I will be an honorable wife to you and do your bidding. But, from time to time, I hope we can discuss the things you expect from me. For I cannot yet read your mind." She glanced at him shyly. "I do promise to be dutiful and respectful at all times. I will be your Shaman and will conduct myself with dedication to your tribe as they have honored me with a welcome."
He stared into her eyes, "And me?" he asked softly.
"You?" she swallowed hard.
"Do you wish to spend our time talking and getting to know one another while we are here?"
She bowed her head, again searching for the right answer. "I thought I was prepared for this, but I find myself shy and uncertain. I have come to like you, and respect you as my chief. But as a man, I do not know enough to answer you. I will be honest with you. Please, do not think I reject you, but I do want to get to know you better."
He smiled at her now, still rubbing the top of her hand. "You are a very wise woman, Sasha. And I respect that. But our coming together… It is for the man to do at first, but I hesitate not knowing if you want this now. I will never force myself on you. What I must know is, are you ready to be my wife in that way?"
She licked her lips, hungry for his kisses, and yet afraid of making a final commitment. What would it be like to be held in his strong arms and allow him to love her? And would he just simply take her and discard her until he was ready again? She did not know. Would her hesitation bring anger and resentment? They were married now and choosing was not an option.
She thought of what Naomie and Big Knife had done, and how Naomie had so enjoyed it. But Black Wolf had already said it was love that made it good. Could she love him?
Never being with a man made it more awkward.
Then suddenly, she looked into his eyes, "I have no idea, how… "
He nodded slowly, his eyes gleaming into hers.
"I had guessed that. And I am happy, you honor me. But I must know, do you want me to make love to you Sasha?" He asked not taking his eyes from hers. "It is not something to be afraid of… " He began. "The first time for a woman it is important to make her feel comfortable and welcome her soul as we become one. I should tell you that a long time ago my parents sent me to the missions, to learn English, and the bible. I believe in the bible and taught my parents what I knew of it. I believe in one woman for one man. A man leaves his mother and father behind to be joined to the one woman he will cherish for the rest of his life. That is what I believe. But not knowing much about me, it is for you to decide if you want to begin our time together. I understand your hesitation in more ways than one. I will not recent or be angered by your answer, Sasha. All I expect from you right now is the truth."
He moved closer now, deliberately trying not to startle her. "Making love is not just a physical thing, Sasha. But we will not be one, until we do. A marriage can never be complete until we consummate that marriage."
"I too went to the mission school as a child. And like you I read the bible. It was hard to understand but I believe only in one man and one woman as man and wife. I understand that leaving your parents behind, you pledge yourself to one another. But I ask for your patience."
He nodded, but she saw the light go out in his eyes and almost regretted her words. "I will have patience," He smiled at her now. "Good, we have that in common. I am glad."
"Yes, it is a start. But I must be honest, I know nothing of making love. I might displease you or disappoint you as I am not well versed in that."
"No, but I'm sure you've seen animals."
"Yes, of course. You forget, I saw Naomie and Big Knife make love. And I must tell you, although it shames me to admit it. I watched them make love. I saw the difference in liking and loving. And I want the loving relationship, still, it is too soon for you and me."
"People are different, love comes from the heart. Otherwise it is what the whites call sex. And I do not believe having sex can fulfill any man's or woman's dreams. So I will wait until you decide what you want."
She let her jaw relax and stared at him. "Oh," she cried as he lifted her hair and kissed her on the neck Goosebumps went all over her from that kiss.
"You smell nice." He murmured.
"Do I?" she barely whispered.
"Yes," he smiled again. "I'm enticing you to make love, but if you do not want it, just say so or raise your hand, I will not make you. For I do not wish to merely have your body, Sasha."
"You keep saying that, but isn't that what the kisses coax us into doing?"
Something in her eyes softened.
"Tell me something, do you like my kisses?" he asked
"Yes," she admitted when he took her earlobe between his teeth and nipped playfully there, then his breath tickled her ear and more goosebumps appeared on her arms. She couldn't stop the gasp of pleasure that leaked from her. "How can I deny it gives pleasure."
"As much as Big Knife's?"
She pulled away to look at him, a beautiful blush colored her cheeks. "You do not understand about me and Big Knife. I cannot blame you, for I only understood just days ago. Since you are now my husband, I must tell you. There is no need to be jealous of him, as we never did anything but kiss. Well maybe not even that." she admitted. "It's just, I hardly know you. And I'll admit this, even with Big Knife I would be hesitant to make love."
"That is a surprising admission." He raised his head and studied her. "Right now, you are my wife, and if I take you, you will be my woman too. Do you understand?"
She nodded and moved her cheek against his. "Yes. That is part of my hesitation, as it is a complete commitment to one another. That I do understand."
"I do not think you'll give into me so quickly. I mean I know when I kiss you, you kiss me back."
She swallowed and looked him in the eyes. "It's the way you kiss me," she raised her head and met his glance.
"The way I kiss you?" he looked puzzled. "You don't like the way I kiss you?"
"No, I mean yes, I do like it." She nodded, with a red flush to her face. "But I've never felt that way before… My body seems to react to you. That has never happened to me before. I mean, I suppose I really don't know much about love. For the kisses Big Knife gave did not intoxicate me, and yet yours… "
"But he did kiss you, didn't he?"
"Not like you kiss me." She whispered. "that is partly what flusters me."
"But you were going to marry him. Were there no times when you wanted more from him?"
She frowned at the ground now, her fingers touching the softness of the blanket. Her mind seem to race to answer his question now. "I did not at that time know there was more." She admitted.
He stared, then slowly nodded, as though it dawned on him what she meant.
"You have called me wise many times. But I am not. For I did not know there was a difference until I saw them, kissing and when you kissed me. I guess I am hard to understand. You see, when I came upon him and Naomie, they were making love. I watched as I know little about it. And sadly, I watched to learn more. I was so absorbed in learning about this, I forgot who they were. But the way he kissed her, and the way he kissed me, was much different. I finally realized that. Even I could see that. I never felt that way around him. When I think of it now, I feel so foolish as I didn't realize the difference."
Black Wolf stared with disbelief.
"But you loved him and were going to marry him." Black Wolf still sounded confused.
"True, or I thought so at least. But when I saw them, I recognized the difference right a
way. I never felt inclined to be that… close with him. "
"Show me," he encouraged. "Show me how he kissed you."
She leaned against him and touched her lips to his, then pulled away.
"That is how he kissed you?" He asked amazed.
"Every time?"
"Yes."
"I see. Now show me how I kiss you." He encouraged with a slight smile.
"Well," she was breathless now as she came closer. Her arms went around his neck and she pulled him toward her, but this kiss was like a fever, as his lips moved against hers now and she fell back against the blanket as he took over the kiss. She felt her whole body react to the kiss.
When he finally raised his head, his eyes were gleaming like stars.
"Yes," he cleared his throat. "I see the difference."
"Why is it so different?" she whispered as her arms were still around his neck. "I do not understand this. When he kissed Naomie, it was like the way you kiss me."
Black Wolf lowered his head, a smile on his lips. "When a man kisses with is heart, it is different, Sasha. A man can kiss a woman in many ways. Did he kiss you often?"
"No, I guess that sounds strange too," she lay there thinking about it. "Doesn't it. I never really thought about it much before. We were friends long before there was anything more."
"He did not love you Sasha. And why I cannot understand."
"I can understand it. Naomie is… very beautiful. She is built differently."
He grinned, "More round in places?" he asked.
"Yes, and most of the warriors want her. But she has eyes only for Big Knife."
"And he obviously has eyes for her."
"Yes," she hung her head.
"Most all women are shaped differently, but that does not matter when a man is in love. Every man sees through his own eyes, not the eyes of others. Especially if he loves."
"Then what matters to a man?"
He reached and touched her chest, "It is what is inside here that matters to me." He touched her heart. "All women have a beauty of sorts. But if the heart is not beautiful too, her outside beauty loses its appeal in time."
"How can you say that?" she asked so innocently. "Every man wanted Naomie."