DoucheMage
Page 14
They passed by several buildings covered over with ivy, others with trellises heavy with summer squash, and one massive tree in the center of a large town square. Its leaves sparkled in the deepening twilight.
“So there’s good news and bad news,” she said.
“All right.”
“The bad news is that you’re more or less finished with Swords & Sorcerers. I know… before you say anything, I know it’s your first love, and you’ve done amazing. The story writers are probably flipping out over you staying here. Which, you’re welcome to do by the way. There will be maidens and assassinations and rival kingdoms and stuff… I hope anyway. But it’ll all be beneath you, right?”
He didn’t say anything to this, as they continued their tipsy stroll. He readied a spell of mind-sight, which the HUD warned him wouldn’t work against actual people in the same way as NPCs. But, based on who Nicole was, her facial expressions, her inflection, gestures, and her words, it would attempt to give an explanation for what was going on inside that brain of hers.
“The good news is that there’s going to be a genre mashup rolling out soon with a game update. This is going to come with a whole shit ton of new options. Excuse my French.”
“Excused.”
“New storylines and NPCs. So you’ll have eleven new world options just for Swords & Sorcerers.” She went on to explain how there would be gritty noir investigations here in SnS, terrifying monstrous visitors holding vampire court or overrunning the kingdoms with zombies, pirate mages using magic to spell the sails or domesticate riding beasts to attack rival pirate ships from the air, great wars with thousands of NPCs and the PCs as commanders, and much more. Romance fantasy, western fantasy, sci-fi fantasy, demigods and gods interfering in the plight of mortals style fantasy, and fantasy plus superpowers.
“I read one like that,” he said. “Magic heroes had glowing tattoos inscribed on them that gave them super abilities.”
“Oh I read this series where the whole planet is flat and trolls are really stupid in the lowlands, but if you keep them cold, they turn into geniuses, and the city watch employs a werewolf, and it sounds so dumb because it’s comedy fantasy.”
He grinned at her.
“Right? It all sounds super great!” She skipped ahead a couple of steps and turned in a circle. He hadn’t noticed the swirling magic happening directly above them in the sky, like ink swirled into water, only the water itself was the ink and the colors were magenta, turquoise, sunshine yellow, and all other manner of spiraling incandescence.
“That sounds like great news.”
“Second thing… if you want third dots in various skills, you’ll need to travel there and level up to Access 3. However, you’ll now have the chance to mash your favorite up with a secondary genre and go after them that way.” She winked at him and tapped the side of her head. “I can loophole too, you know.”
“You’re a very beautiful person, you know that?”
She laughed.
“Of course I’m not just talking about your exterior. You’re beautiful on the inside as well.” His face turned sheepish and he looked away.
“Hey over here, wizard man,” she whistled. He looked back at her. “You’re cute too,”
Suddenly his underpants were too tight. It was like puberty all over again. Don’t notice, he thought desperately. He flapped his robes a bit and took another drink from his tankard.
Whatever was in the alcohol here, it was doing its job. Without realizing, a vomitous mass of words was tumbling out of his face hole. “So how about you quit Prestige Gaming, become my queen and live our retirement in a fantasy fairy tale wonderland?” As soon as he’d finished his eyes widened in both hope and terror.
He should’ve cast the spell. Shit. Why hadn’t he cast the spell? Idiot!
Nicole stared back, her mouth agape and her cute pearly whites glinting in the moonlight.
“I– uh– wow… okay, that sounds absolutely amazing. But fast. So very fast. Come live here? What does that entail? Never leave again? Live like a queen I can see– I mean goddamn wow would that be amazing. But Brian, hey, let’s save that sort of talk for later. We’ve had some great times and let’s have a few more first, yeah?”
Brian nodded his head a bit too eagerly, his Morelon avatar dipping long grey wisps into his drink. They both peered down at the stained grey whiskers and cracked a smile.
“I think I just invented a new drink,” Brian smirked, holding up his beard mulled ale. “The Morelon! Just 5 gold coins a pop. It’ll get you drunk! Would you like to try some?”
“No way,” she giggled, taking a pull from her own fizzy sparkling brew. “Your Morelon avatar makes you look like you might have fleas. If I decide to stick around in the future I hope you understand that I’m expecting you to be Morelon the Shirtless Tanned Beef Hunk Wizardman.”
He let loose with the Mind-sight spell, and rolled a Study of 6 and 10. Which was great, because his HUD informed him that he ran the risk of informing her of what was happening. A command at the top of his field of vision read ‘Compiling Data, Please Wait…’
“Noted,” Brian grinned.
“Plus you have to stop doing Player versus Player. I’m glad you got along with them so well the last quest and didn’t total party kill them again, but you have to keep that up if you want any chance of being my sugar daddy here in Prestige Gaming.”
Posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone and volume indicate subject’s interest level is moderate to high, the game told him. More than he was expecting.
“Noted again,” Brian laughed. In his mind he saw the Shit Golem stomping on Taz and he just couldn’t help himself. He’d left them up shit creek without a paddle. Literally. “So did you ever get around to the bad news part of your speech?”
Her interest level fell by roughly five percent as she lined up her thoughts.
“Well the bad news is that, even if you can’t quell your anger, you’re still going to have to stop killing players for a while. With the new system update and rollout we’re worried that too much strain on the system might cause glitches. The other bit of bad news is that they’re looking to close up loopholes and get rid of exploits. Prestige Gaming is going second generation and the powers that be want more balanced gameplay with a wide and broader audience of gamers.” She stopped. “What? Is something on my face?”
“You’re just speaking my language is all.”
She suddenly sidled closer, eyes hooded. “The language of loopholes really doin’ it for you, huh?”
Her probable interest level skyrocketed from high to very high, with a sarcasm warning. Worthless spell… like he couldn’t tell. Sheesh.
His voice dropped an octave. “I know they’ll mess up and leave something. I can’t wait to find the workarounds that let me use the system to its fullest potential. It really revs my engine.”
She scanned his face and gave him a smoky grin. “This is the dorkiest sexy conversation I’ve ever been a part of.”
It wasn’t the only sexy conversation he’d ever been a part of, but of the perhaps five he’d ever participated in, it was easily the best. “I know you felt good exploiting that loophole earlier,” he said, and winked. “You should join me on the dark side. Can I offer you another drink?”
“Sure, but…” She laughed, “we’re nowhere near–”
Another pair of sparkletails were floating through the air toward her, with a confused barmaid chasing after them. She stopped as soon as Brian spelled a pair of silver marks into her hands, gave an awkward curtsey, and disappeared back the way she’d come.
“I’ll never leave this place,” he muttered, and clinked the new tankard against hers. “Not when I can do anything.”
She took a long pull of sparkletail and belched. “You haven’t been able to get in my pants.”
He bent nearer to her, close enough so he could smell the unbelievably intoxicating smell of the Elven ale, and stared into her eyes. “Should I roll Sway?”
***
There were only three options that could account for them making out against an ivy-covered wall in fantasy land: one, the booze in this place was stronger than she was ready to give credit to a cotton candy flavored alcohol, two, she hadn’t been laid in far too long and she was really just ready to stop playing with toys and have a little fun time, or three, she was actually into Morelon the Learned. Or Brian.
She would also accept a combination of varying levels of all three.
His beard whiskers tickled at her cheeks. That was a fun first: she’d never been with a bearded guy before. Overall, given his ardor, his skill (including softness and tongue work) put him well above everyone she’d ever dated, except for that guy early in high school, Steve. And probably just because Steve had been her first, and really enjoyed the concept of eating at the Y far more than anyone else she’d dated since.
Hilariously, he was the one against the wall, and it was her grinding up against his robed self. Eventually they broke off the kiss and she got in a much-needed breath.
“Didn’t you say there was a drink that gave you a fourteen inch tongue?” she asked.
He grinned. “You’d better watch that kind of thinking, lest you come to rival Morelon the Learned for his power over loopholes and minmaxing.”
She took his hand and they were back to the tavern in no time, with Chrissy and Tandy giving her some conspiratorial glances when she headed by, her blush in full flame.
They didn’t get the tongue drink. Hell, she didn’t even hit up the tavern keeper, but instead dragged him up the stairs and produced her holy book. It gave her a quick peek into how many people were occupying various rooms (only one, and not the large suite), so she tapped at it and produced a key out of nothing. It just materialized out of the paper like melting in reverse.
She dragged him in, stripped off his robes, exploded her battle armor off herself all over the room, then had her way with him for as long as he was willing and able. The willing part outlasted the able, though both proved to be more than enough for her.
Afterwards, she lay over his chest and wondered how much of the muscles had come in during his nearly three weeks here, and how much was just tiny game blocks attached to the exterior of the suit. She didn’t mind doing it with him skins on, though a lot of VIP girls hated the idea and the sensation of having something other than human inside them. It was another of those bizarrely dorky but also sexy girl talk discussions that was had from time to time. The haptic suit could be peeled away from the nethers, and condoms were always on hand anywhere a guest went to sleep. From what she understood, they just traveled around the gameworld underfoot, just like meal delivery drones.
“So, can I persuade you to come visit Swashbuckling Isles and grab up some levels for that third dot of Finesse and Pilot?”
“With you?” he asked.
“You’re within your rights to request me along,” she responded thickly. Sleep, pleasure and the booze were sending her to slumberland. “But they’re going to push that roll out soon and I need to do quite a lot of prepping.” This was only halfway bullshit. She did enjoy her free time in the admin levels, exercising and basically being paid to do nothing, but she was very close to the end of Lord of the Rings, and she wanted to see if Frodo would end up in a pool of volcanic lava or not.
He said something else, but she was too far gone to understand, and sleep pulled her under.
When she woke the next morning, it was to a lightly snoring Brian. She felt quite refreshed, and had none of the same regrets that many of the other VIP Services personnel showed or complained of during their lunch meets, weekly catch-ups or mandatory monthly group therapy sessions. She didn’t feel pressured, objectified, or in any danger. And while that would change, and change hard, for the moment she luxuriated in the idea that she was getting paid to help someone live out his mostly wholesome power fantasy. There were worse ways to make six figures a year.
Her eyes fell on the cylinder with the rings, Darian’s Transmogrifier. It lay on some of the bed’s untouched acreage. She wasn’t quite sure why this had been the object of his desires once he got the information. She reached out to get a better look at it, but before she could so much as brush a fingertip against it, Brian’s hand caught her wrist. The action was shocking enough to make her gasp, but he laced his fingers in with hers.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, half-asleep.
Damn, every time things seemed like they were working, he did something super weird. She left it like that for a time, enjoying his heartbeat and the softness of his skin. Eventually though she rose, summoned her full battle gear to fly up and fasten to her like powered armor, and turned to give him a mostly certain smile.
“You going to be okay if I head to admin and get a chance to learn more about this new version rollout plan?”
“Only if you come back in a few days,” he said.
“You got it, Studelon the Studly.”
She tapped at her holy book and summoned a PENIS. The sleek floating lozenge appeared just outside the Kapi Tal city limits, where the city gave way to flat vistas projected onto walls of interlocking electromagnetic blocks, and the gameworld gave way to the endless vistas of New Mexico. She stepped in and got settled, then said “Administrative levels, VIP Services quarters please.” Then, chuckling about riding a PENIS for a good half hour, she tried to think about how good he’d felt last night, and the insistence of his lips on hers. The problem was that she kept flashing back to him grabbing her wrist. She swiped the Lord of the Rings onto her holy book, and tried to concentrate on the words.
Chapter 14- Dead Owlbears Do My Bidding
Morelon the Learned tried to figure out whether or not he’d blown it when he finally crushed the hangover, magicked on his clothes, and headed downstairs for a bite to eat. They served whatever your heart desired, and right now his heart desired bacon and scrambled eggs, plus hashbrowns. The aroma of a dark brew wafted past him. That too, he marveled, absolutely famished.
The dining room was mostly empty and the sun was riding high in the sky so he counted himself lucky that things hadn’t changed over to steak and salad. It was a cheerful morning and he beamed up at the door to the place as it swung open and admitted a hulking orcish chieftain of tremendous dimensions.
Morelon raised an eyebrow as the monster clunked over in his overlarge combat bottles and spiked armor. He nodded at it and then shot out a Mind-sight spell. His Study rolls came 3 and 6. Damn. Still, he was pretty sure what was happening here.
“What brings you here, Warlord Georgio the Orc?”
The man monster laughed, a deep and menacing roar that came from deep within and echoing all about them.
“How did you know?” Georgio asked. “I mean did I leave my employee name badge on here somewhere?”
“Nah man,” Brian smiled, “You just have this sauntering lumber to you that I don’t think has ever existed in any other person anywhere else at any time. So, what can I do for you?”
The orcish avatar grunted and sighed as Georgio eased himself into a chair. It cracked and splintered with a squark, landing him ass down on the floor.
“You know what? I really didn’t think my avatar through. You were supposed to be intimidated.”
“Nothing intimidates the Douchemage. Not anymore.” Brian thought back to the screams of his party as they were stomped to shit by shit. That memory was never gonna get old.
Georgio laughed. “Mr. Morecock, you are a legend back in the office. A group of us were actually having a watch party over your group when you made your move for the Supple Orb. That was hilarious. The way you just summoned hell upon them and vamoosed. Comedy gold.”
“I appreciate that, Georgio. I’m entertained that you were entertained.”
“Yeah it was great… but I want you to cool it for a bit. Well not I want but the heads up high want. They want you to go try a different genre.”
Brian stared. His avatar, Morelon the Learned, showed eyes crackling with purple fuzzy lightning. “What?!”
Georgio the Orc Warlord had the decency to look uncomfortable. He put up two ham-sized hands to ward off the glare.
“Hey man– it’s just that the system is getting an update and a bit of a reboot as well. And the high-level stuff adds a lot of pressure to the system– plus with all of your magic abilities and that McGuffin right there they are afraid you might put a crack in the system.”
“A crack in the system? I have half a mind to conjure you a second crack in your ass Georgio. What the hell? This is a trillion dollar a year operation full of the best techs and nanotechnologists the world has around. I’m paying VIP Premium and I well expect the company to be able to work around me if it comes down to that. What’s the real problem?”
The orc warchief shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other and sighed. “They’re afraid you’re going to get another McGuffin before they have a chance to reset and change the rules. Brian your play style is like nothing we have ever seen here and, well, we had an update already scheduled so the tops, Meredith Johnston and the like, they ran diagnostics on you and your games and now they want to implement some nerfing.”
Brian stared. Geogio coughed and cleared his throat.
“So the contract you signed doesn’t let them take away stuff you already got before updates. All of that is grandfathered in. Don’t worry about that. They are just afraid that you will get too strong before the rollout is finished. So I was told to come in here and talk you into trying out some other part of the park.”
Brian/Morelon shot a hand up to his chin and stroke the fur he found there. “Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahaha! So that’s what it is. Georgio, thank you. I know what I have to do now.”
Georgio shot him a suspicious glance. “And that is?”
“I have to go get another McGuffin before they lower the max McGuffin limit.”