Find the Girl

by Lucy Connell

  ‘What are you DOING?’ she’d cried down the phone frantically. ‘You need to edit that post IMMEDIATELY.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You haven’t added the link to All That Glitters!’

  ‘Oh. Right.’

  ‘Honestly, Nancy, you need to start thinking about these things. Say that you’re about to go to the Emerald Entertainment party and that you’ll be posting all the latest hot gossip from the party on our website later! That way, our audience can start getting excited and they’ll be ready to click through as soon as you write about it!’

  ‘Got it – I’ll edit it now,’ I’d assured her. ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.’

  ‘Get your head in the game,’ she’d said, before hanging up.

  I never thought there would be a day when Layla would quote High School Musical lines at me in a serious capacity. At least she’d forgiven me for the disastrous meeting this week. She and Sophie were so excited about me going to the party and I’d promised them I wouldn’t come back with nothing. I promised that to myself, too. This is a huge opportunity and I really don’t want to mess it up.

  ‘Here we are, miss,’ the black-cab driver announces, pulling up at the top of the red carpet. ‘This looks like it’s going to be quite the party.’

  ‘It is.’ I smile warmly, paying the fare.

  I take a deep breath, watching the photographers notice the taxi and crane their necks over each other to see who it is. I can’t believe I’m at THE Emerald Entertainment event. It is the music party of the year. Anyone who’s anyone will be here.

  The door swings open as someone comes to help me out and I gratefully take their hand, steadying myself on my heels before I start the walk along the carpet. The camera flashes explode as soon as I step out of the car and I’m hit with a barrage of blinding lights and yells from the photographers. I remember when I helped Nina leave the hospital after the accident along with Chase and there had been loads of paparazzi waiting for us – it was just like that all over again and I am reminded why celebrities always wear sunglasses. It is very difficult to walk normally with those splodges you get in your eyes after a camera flash.

  But I also love it. Because feeling like someone important and wanted is a really good feeling. I glide confidently towards the glass doors as the photographers ask me to stop, so they can get a full picture of my outfit. Placing one hand on my hip, I stop and face them, flashing a big smile and hoping my lipstick hasn’t smudged.

  That’s when I actually stop to listen to what the reporters are yelling.

  That’s when I realize.

  ‘Nina! Who are you wearing?’

  ‘Nina! Why haven’t you arrived with Chase?’

  ‘Nina, is it true your relationship is on the rocks?’

  ‘Nina, how’s music school?’

  Oh my god. They think I’m Nina.

  My smile is frozen in place. I don’t know what to do. I have to tell them. Otherwise, when she arrives with Chase, it will be even more mortifying.

  ‘I’m … I’m not Nina,’ I say, my voice wobbling.

  ‘What?’ The photographers shout back at me, begging me to come closer to repeat what I said, desperate for Nina to answer their burning questions.

  ‘I’m not Nina,’ I repeat, glancing towards the glass doors where a doorman and a woman are waiting, watching this humiliating scene.

  ‘She’s not Nina!’ A photographer yells for the others to hear. ‘It’s not Nina! It’s the other one! It’s her twin.’

  As his voice rings out, the cameras are lowered and the murmurs of disappointment ripple through the group. They’re not looking at me any more; they’re chatting to each other about whatever they were talking about before I arrived. It’s like someone flicked a switch and I no longer exist.

  Flustered and ashamed, I lower my head and walk as quickly as possible towards the door. I walk so fast that I trip on my ridiculously high heels and am thankfully caught just in time by the doorman’s arm, saving me from falling flat on my face. There is a titter of laughter from those of the paparazzi behind me who notice.

  ‘You all right?’ the man says as I regain my balance.

  ‘Fine,’ I mutter, my ankle throbbing. ‘I’m Nancy Palmer.’

  ‘Nina’s twin.’ The woman smiles, looking down the list on her tablet. ‘Welcome to Emerald Entertainment. Enjoy your night.’

  The man holds open the door for me and I walk into a grand reception room, where I’m directed down a corridor and through the doors into the party. The room is bursting with people, a couple of whom look my way as I walk in and then, when they realize I’m no one important, go back to their air kisses and conversations. The music is blaring and, with low lighting and hundreds of people, I don’t know how I’m ever going to find Miles in here. Just by scanning those standing nearby, I spot two famous pop stars, an actor and a model who I follow on Instagram. Hardly the crowd you can simply stride on over to and introduce yourself.

  I make my way to the corner of the room and lean back against the wall, still feeling shaken from what happened outside. I don’t know why I’m surprised. Why would the photographers have wanted a picture of me? It’s not like I’m famous, I know that. So, why do I feel like crying?

  Maybe it was those horrible words uttered by the photographer, a label I’m scared of being stuck with forever: the other one.

  I guess that’s the curse of having a perfect twin like Nina. Always feeling a bit smaller.

  ‘Nancy!’

  Miles appears in front of me. I have never been so happy to see anyone in my life.

  ‘There you are,’ I say, relief flowing through me. ‘I didn’t know how to find you in this massive crowd and I wasn’t sure if you’d be busy and –’

  ‘Wow,’ he says, staring at me with a smile spreading across his face.

  I’m not sure I’ve seen him smile like that before. It’s different to his usual teasing grin. It’s more serious somehow. If that makes sense.

  ‘What?’ I ask, worried that I’ve got eyeliner smudged down my face.

  ‘You … you look beautiful,’ he says.

  ‘Oh! Um. Thanks.’

  ‘I see your hair has magically grown a few inches since I last saw you,’ he says, the familiar mischievous grin returning. ‘What products do you use?’

  ‘I’ll send you the list.’

  ‘Do you want a drink? The sparkling elderflower is a fantastic vintage.’

  I laugh. ‘That sounds perfect, thank you.’

  ‘I’ll be back in a second,’ he says, before leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. ‘Don’t go anywhere.’

  He disappears back into the crowd, leaving me in a bit of a daze. It’s really unfair of him to do things like that. Firstly, because he smells very good and leaning in towards someone like that can cause their brain to go fuzzy with how good he smells. Secondly, when he kissed me on the cheek, his face was very close to my face. Obviously. And his cheek kind of grazed my cheek and made my stomach do that somersault, butterfly thing.

  ‘Nancy, are you OK?’ a voice says over the music.

  ‘Nina!’ I cry, grabbing her hands and pulling her in for a hug. ‘I’m so glad you’re finally here!’

  ‘Why are you standing in the corner with a weird, dreamy smile on your face?’ she asks, giggling. ‘You look a little strange, no offence.’

  ‘I was just thinking about … things,’ I say, before cunningly changing the subject. ‘Where have you BEEN? You know, you left me to do the red-carpet thing on my own. And it was the worst experience of my life.’

  ‘It was? I thought you’d really enjoy that kind of thing. You’re always going on about how you’d love to walk a red carpet some day.’

  ‘Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly how I imagined it.’

  She gives me a knowing look. ‘Did you fall over in those stupid shoes?’

  ‘No! Of course not. Why would you say that?’

  ‘Because those shoes destroy your feet a
nd I specifically remember telling you not to wear them. I know how hard it can be to walk in a straight line with a mass of people trying to get your picture and in those things I imagine it’s even worse.’

  ‘At least I’m not wearing trainers,’ I point out, glancing down to her feet.

  ‘Hey! They’re sparkly trainers,’ she says defensively, pointing her toe. ‘And someone VERY stylish helped me pick these on a recent shopping outing.’

  ‘Uh-huh, I can tell that person was VERY stylish, indeed.’ I grin. ‘And don’t you forget it. I like your make-up. Very natural.’

  ‘That’s because it is. All I’m wearing is mascara,’ she admits with a grimace. ‘I was in a rush and I still don’t know how to use all those fancy products you gave me. I needed you.’

  After the night I’ve had so far, it’s really nice to hear her say that.

  ‘Nancy, about tonight,’ she continues, ‘I’m going to have to –’

  ‘Hey,’ Chase says, looming into view and pulling Nina towards him before she can finish whatever it was she was about to tell me. ‘Where have you been? There are so many people here wanting to meet you. Hi, Nancy. Nice hair!’ he says, before frowning in confusion. ‘Wait, how does it grow so fast?’

  ‘I won’t make fun of you for not knowing that I’m using extensions if you don’t make fun of me any more for that time I fell over showing you and Nina my favourite Beyoncé move.’

  ‘Deal,’ he says, realizing his mistake and bursting out laughing. ‘It looks good. Nina, how come you’re so late? I called you so many times.’

  ‘Me too,’ I say.

  Nina gets a funny look on her face and pushes her hair behind her ears.

  ‘Actually, I was with Dad.’

  ‘What?’ I ask, thinking I hadn’t heard her correctly over the loud music.

  ‘I was with Dad,’ she repeats, her eyes locking with mine. ‘He was waiting outside Guildhall when my group rehearsal finished.’

  ‘Why was he waiting for you?’ Chase asks, taking the words out of my mouth. ‘Had you called?’

  ‘No,’ she answers, looking at me. ‘I had no idea he was going to be there.’

  ‘Wait,’ I say, trying to get my head round this. ‘He was waiting for you outside Guildhall and then, what? You guys went and … hung out for a few hours?’

  She nods, biting her lip. ‘Yeah. I swear, Nancy, I didn’t plan it. And I was going to call you and see if you could make it but the timing was wrong. You would have just been on the train on the way down here and by the time you’d arrived we’d have had to leave to get here on time.’

  ‘What did you talk about?’ Chase asks, glancing at me with concern.

  ‘We only went for hot chocolate and talked about music and stuff. Nothing important. I think he just wanted to see us and have a normal conversation.’

  ‘Not us, you. He wanted to see you,’ I say.

  ‘Nancy, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do and … Are you mad?’

  I look down at my sea-blue shoes. I’m not sure how I feel. I think I am mad but I’m not entirely sure why exactly. I’m not sure which bit of it I’m mad at. He does live very close to Guildhall. When Nina wasn’t around, I sneaked a look at the address he’d given Mum and googled it. It was in a really expensive part of town and barely a ten-minute walk from her school. It makes sense that he’d try to see Nina when she’s so close.

  ‘Why didn’t he call you first?’ I eventually say, avoiding her question. ‘Don’t you think that’s weird? He hasn’t seen us in years and he thinks it’s OK to show up at your music school? Why didn’t he have the courtesy to arrange a meeting with us both, rather than take you completely by surprise so that you’re pretty much forced to see him? He didn’t give you the choice.’

  ‘I don’t think he thought of it like that,’ she reasons. ‘I think he knew I was in London and wanted to make the effort.’

  ‘Why doesn’t he want to make the effort with both of us? Should I expect him to be waiting outside school in Norfolk this coming week? Or is a two-hour train journey a bit too much of an ask for reconnecting with your daughters?’

  Nina looks down at her shoes.

  ‘Hey, come on – let’s enjoy tonight,’ Chase says, attempting to lighten the mood. ‘We’re at this incredible party and it would be a shame to waste it. Right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Nina agrees, watching me anxiously. ‘It would.’

  ‘Chase!’

  Mark, Chase’s uncle and band manager, appears flustered at Chase’s side.

  ‘What are you doing stuck here in the corner?’ he grumbles. ‘You’re supposed to be working the room.’

  ‘Uncle Mark, you remember Nancy,’ Chase says, nodding towards me. ‘And Nina just got here.’

  ‘I need you to come with me now,’ Mark growls, ignoring him. ‘The CEO of Emerald Entertainment specifically said she wanted to meet you.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Chase’s eyes widen. ‘Whoa.’

  ‘Whoa, indeed,’ Mark says in a strained voice. ‘I’ve been looking for you for ages. You don’t want to keep someone like that waiting. Come on.’

  Chase turns to Nina. ‘Will you come with me? I’m nervous. The CEO, Nina!’

  ‘Sure,’ she says, taking his hand. ‘Nancy, are you coming?’

  ‘I think I’ll stay here,’ I say, avoiding eye contact. ‘Miles is coming back with drinks.’

  ‘Nancy –’ she begins.

  ‘We have to go, now,’ Chase says, dragging her into the crowd. ‘Otherwise we’ll lose her.’

  She mouths ‘sorry’ to me, following Chase as he attempts to make his way around groups of guests towards where Mark and the CEO are, right in the middle of the room. I stay where I am, dodging out of people’s way as they try to squeeze past. I’m still in shock about what Nina has just told me. I can’t believe she’s spent the afternoon with Dad. Without me. I know it’s not her fault and that he sprung the meeting on her, but still. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

  Mum said he was spontaneous, but that seems calculated.

  I’m so engrossed in my thoughts that I don’t realize Miles is back until he’s right in front of me, wiggling my drink under my nose.

  ‘Sorry it took so long,’ he says, as I thank him. ‘There are a LOT of people here.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s really busy,’ I reply, distracted.

  ‘Hey.’ He peers at me with a furrowed brow. ‘Why are you so down? What did I miss?’

  ‘I’m not down.’

  ‘Yes, you are. When I left you, you were smiling and laughing, swishing your unicorn ponytail without a care in the world. And now I’m back and it’s like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, so spill.’

  I can’t help but smile. ‘Unicorn ponytail?’

  ‘Yeah, it looks like the tail of a unicorn.’

  ‘I’ll take that as a compliment,’ I say with a laugh.

  ‘You should – it was meant to be.’ He nudges me gently. ‘Come on, what’s going on? Did that weird guy from PopRock Magazine start asking you questions? Because he’s lurking somewhere and trust me, if anyone can put you in a bad mood, it’s him. He once asked why our songs had no good melodies, and whether we agreed that they all sounded the same.’

  ‘No, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting him yet.’ I sigh. ‘It’s Nina. She just arrived and the reason she’s late, and why neither Chase nor I could get hold of her, is because she was hanging out with our dad.’

  ‘What? Really?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I nod, pursing my lips. ‘Apparently, he showed up at her door and they decided to have a nice hot chocolate together. Without me.’

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘I don’t know. I feel annoyed, but that’s unfair because I said to Nina that I wasn’t interested in having him back in my life, when I knew that she felt the opposite. But I’m not sure if I meant it, you know? I was still trying to work it out. Anyway, it makes sense that he’d want to make an effort with her and not bother with me.�
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  Miles looks confused. ‘Why do you say that?’

  I shrug. ‘Nina’s the special one. They always bonded over music. When he was around, I mean. That was like, their “thing”. He and I don’t have anything like that to bond over.’

  ‘You love music, too, don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m not a musician. I like listening to music, that’s all. Hardly a talent that a dad can be proud of.’

  ‘Come on, Nancy – he’s your dad. You don’t need to have something to bond over. Of course he’d be interested in getting to know you again.’

  ‘I don’t think he is,’ I admit, taking a sip of sparkling elderflower, hoping Miles won’t notice that my eyes are welling up. ‘He’s only interested in Nina. Just like everyone else. And so they should be.’

  Miles watches me, and we stand in silence, listening to the loud, thumping music and the excitable chatter of all the party guests around us. I feel my phone vibrating in my clutch and check it, seeing a flurry of messages from Layla and Sophie asking if I’ve got anything good yet. I shove my phone back in my clutch and click it shut.

  ‘I know the whole dad thing sucks, but I don’t want to see you like this,’ Miles says eventually. ‘If you want to leave, I understand, but maybe there’s a way of cheering you up. That was the reason I invited you along here tonight in the first place, so, tell me how I can put a smile on your face.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Miles,’ I say, nodding towards the group of models huddled together in front of us, who keep looking at him and giggling. ‘You should be mingling and enjoying this big party. You don’t need to babysit me. I’m sorry for ranting at you; I didn’t mean to.’

  ‘I don’t feel like I’m babysitting you. I enjoy our chats,’ he says with an infectious grin. ‘You want me to crack a few jokes to cheer you up? I have some great ones up my sleeve, although, I have to warn you, sometimes it takes me a while to remember the punch lines.’

  ‘As brilliant as that sounds, there is something you might be able to help me with,’ I say, deciding to bite the bullet. ‘Did I tell you about my school project?’