Find the Girl

by Lucy Connell

  Not that Nancy’s wasn’t brilliant. It really was. I know Layla and Sophie had been giving her a hard time about getting some good music gossip, but, in my opinion, it didn’t really need it. The vlogs and articles that Nancy had uploaded about other things were great – she has a really unique style of writing and she doesn’t even realize it. I’m pretty sure it’s her music section that helped the judges make their decision. It’s so much stronger than the rest of the website – not least because her posts are actually helpful, like the one she wrote on the best music tracks to study to. And this week she’d uploaded an amazing feature about what music means to her. I loved it.

  Music affects us in so many ways, she wrote at the end of the piece. It makes us happy, it makes us sad, it makes us understand something we’re yet to feel, and it gives us hope when we feel we’re alone. Music reminds us that even when we feel left behind or on the outside, it doesn’t mean we’re powerless or that we’re fighting our corner by ourselves. Music connects us to each other, whether we want it to or not.

  I wanted to print that passage out and stick it everywhere around the house, but Nancy wouldn’t let me, so in the end we compromised and she let me print out one copy and keep it by my bed.

  I wasn’t surprised when Mrs Smithson punched the air as she announced that All That Glitters was in the final against Jimmy’s site. Judging from the dirty looks Mrs Smithson has been giving Jimmy’s form teacher this week, I’m going to guess that they have some kind of bet going because she is much more enthusiastic about one of her form winning an internship than you’d expect.

  Layla, Sophie and Nancy went mental when they found out that they were through to the final two. Everyone in our class started clapping and cheering, and Layla stood up to blow kisses at everyone while Sophie launched into a weird celebratory dance. Nancy looked as though she might burst into tears; she really couldn’t believe that she had done it.

  ‘You really could win!’ I’d yelled as I gave her a big hug.

  ‘Finally!’ she’d yelled back before going over to Layla and Sophie’s desk to squeal along with them.

  Obviously, it doesn’t put me in the easiest of situations as now I’m under pressure to vote for Jimmy or Nancy, and I have no idea how I’m going to choose. I was hoping neither of them would ask me if I’d voted and then I might have been able to go under the radar, but I should have known I wouldn’t be able to get away with it.

  ‘Taking into consideration that you’re talking to me right now and not Nancy, how about you vote for me, as clearly I am here for you in your times of need?’ Jimmy says with a mischievous grin. ‘That seems fair.’

  ‘I actually spoke to Nancy first,’ I admit. ‘She couldn’t chat for long though, as Layla has already rung her a million times and wanted Nancy to get round to her house as soon as possible.’

  ‘So, they’re definitely doing a last-minute push?’ Jimmy says, suddenly sitting upright and looking nervous. ‘I have to go, Nina. I need to write a piece thanking my readers for their support and listing all the changes my website has made to the school so far. Just to remind everyone how important it is to keep my website going!’

  ‘That’s a good idea.’

  ‘Yeah, well, it probably won’t help, but at this stage it’s the best I can do, along with begging people to vote for me. Knowing those three, they’ll have something sneaky up their sleeve.’

  ‘Good luck.’ I smile at my screen. ‘You deserve this. Sorry for being a bit out of it recently, but I hope you know I’m proud of you.’

  ‘Course,’ he says. ‘Likewise. Oh – and, Nina, a reminder that you could do with a rest, otherwise I’m scared you’ll have some kind of breakdown. You’ve got too much on your shoulders. Do you have a bit of time before your lesson with Caroline?’

  ‘Yes, a few hours.’

  ‘Good. Go do something different.’

  I sigh. ‘You really think that will help?’

  ‘You’ve been at that piano since the early hours. If you haven’t got it now, it’s not going to hit you this morning. Get a breath of fresh air or see some sights. Just make sure you’re not at a piano for a bit. That’s my non-professional, non-musician, simply-best-friend advice.’

  ‘Thanks, Jimmy,’ I say, waving goodbye. ‘You’re the best.’

  ‘I know,’ he says, shooting me a grin before the call ends.

  I grab my jacket and head out of the door, knowing that Jimmy is right. I have to get out of that practice room before I lose my mind. I’ve been trying Simone’s physical and vocal exercises every day, to see if I really do have it in me, like Dad said.

  I don’t. Of course, I don’t. And that means I have wasted another week on music that isn’t working. I am running out of time.

  I head back to our block of rooms and, as I go up the stairs, Jordan and James happen to be coming down them.

  ‘How are the moves coming along, Nina?’ Jordan sneers, flopping forward dramatically and swinging his arms from side to side. ‘Have I got it right? Is this how I’m going to win?’

  ‘Isn’t that joke getting a bit old?’ Grace calls out, coming down the stairs behind him with Florence, TJ and Nico. ‘Seriously, Jordan, you tried that all last weekend and the laughs weren’t exactly forthcoming. I think you should get some new material.’

  Jordan’s smug expression is pleasingly wiped from his face, while James’s expression brightens as Grace approaches them.

  ‘Anyone would think you were threatened by Nina,’ TJ comments, leaning on the bannister.

  ‘I hope that’s some kind of joke,’ Jordan spits.

  ‘If so, then it’s about as hilarious as one of yours,’ Grace murmurs, making the others snigger.

  James howls with laughter. Jordan glares at him. He stops laughing very quickly.

  ‘Word on the street is that you haven’t selected your music for the showcase yet,’ Jordan says, returning his attention to me. ‘Time’s running out, don’t you think?’

  Without waiting for a reply, he pushes past me down the stairs, leaving James to reluctantly follow and give Grace an awkward wave as he goes.

  ‘If Jordan gets a place on the Guildhall summer course, the art of music is doomed,’ Florence says, shaking her head. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m sorry you had to stand up for me. I should be able to say what I think to him, but somehow he makes me feel so inferior.’

  ‘Yeah, one of his limited talents.’ Grace raises her eyebrows. ‘What time were you up this morning? Are you coming to breakfast?’

  Nico smiles encouragingly. ‘We’re heading there now if you want to join.’

  ‘Actually, I’ve been practising but I’m on strict orders by my friend Jimmy to have a break, so I think I’m going to head out for a bit. My brain feels a little bogged down lately. Jordan’s right, you know. I haven’t selected the music yet. Can you believe that?’

  ‘Yes. It’s not easy picking music for an important showcase like this. There’s a lot of pressure and it sounds like Jimmy is a wise man. You can’t have your brain all bogged down while you make that decision.’

  ‘I only decided on mine last night if that makes you feel better,’ Florence admitted, shrugging.

  ‘Any advice?’ I ask hopefully. ‘How did you all choose your music for the showcase?’

  ‘I actually rang my music teacher from school,’ Grace says, laughing. ‘I know it sounds a bit weird, but she knows me so well that she was able to guide me. She helped a lot. Do you have someone like that?’

  ‘Yeah, I do. My piano teacher. But I’ve told him about Guildhall during my lessons at school and he hasn’t said anything about what piece to play.’

  ‘Have you asked him?’ TJ says.

  I hesitate. ‘No. I don’t think I have. I’ve just given him the new piece I’m considering each week and he’s helped along with it.’

  ‘Maybe he doesn’t think you’re after guidance from him. You should ask him outright,’ Grace suggests. ‘My teacher was
surprised that I went to her but really eager to help. She said she thought I’d be too “big time” to ask her advice.’

  ‘I’ll give that a try, thank you,’ I say, trying to remember whether Mr Rogers had ever truly given his opinion on any of the pieces I’d brought to him.

  ‘No worries,’ she says, heading down to breakfast with the others. ‘Good luck with it!’

  ‘Let us know how it goes!’ Florence calls as I head upstairs.

  When I get to my room, I shut the door and slump down on to my bed, calling Mr Rogers straight away. I realize after I’ve pressed the call button that it’s quite early to be calling a teacher on a Saturday morning, but luckily when he answers he doesn’t sound unhappy about it.

  ‘Nina?’ he says. ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Hey, Mr Rogers, I’m so sorry to disturb you. I forgot it’s quite early. Do you want me to ring back later?’

  ‘Not at all, I’m just on my way to Neptune Records.’

  ‘Oh! Say hi to Haley for me.’

  ‘I will,’ he says. ‘So, Nina, how can I help you? Did you want to book in another music lesson this week?’

  ‘No, I’m actually calling for your advice.’

  ‘Go ahead. I’m listening.’

  And so I launch into my predicament of choosing a piece of music for the showcase, thinking that’s all I’m going to tell him. But, without meaning to, I end up talking about Chase as well, and then I go into Dad being back on the scene and, before I know it, I’m telling my piano teacher my entire life story down the phone on a Saturday morning as he heads to a vinyl shop.

  He doesn’t complain though and he doesn’t stop me once to ask any questions or anything. He just patiently listens to everything I have to say, without me pausing for breath.

  ‘And now I feel so lost,’ I conclude. ‘I’m still not over my stage fright. Chase was meant to help me with it but, as you know, he’s busy with his own thing. And I don’t think I can sing in front of everyone, so I’ll be letting my dad down and the talent scouts will have wasted their time. I’ve spent my entire life dreaming of being here, only to ruin any chance I have of coming back. I must be Caroline’s worst student of all time. I don’t know what to do. I wondered … I wondered if you had any advice about what music I should choose for the showcase. I’m sorry for not asking you before.’

  ‘You never need to apologize to me, Nina. It’s been fun working on your new pieces this term. It’s always good to experiment and push yourself out of your comfort zone. Instead of telling you what pieces I think you should play for the showcase, do you mind if I ask you a question?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Why do you love playing the piano?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Why is it that you love playing the piano?’ he repeats. ‘Forget music school, forget Chase, forget your dad. Why is it that you turn up to your music lesson every week with me?’

  ‘Um. I don’t know. I can’t explain it.’

  ‘Have a think and give it a go.’

  I take a deep breath and attempt to find the words. ‘I guess I’ve always loved playing, ever since I first started. I don’t know – it’s just part of who I am. That’s always how it’s been.’

  ‘That’s what I thought. And exactly what you need to hear.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mr Rogers,’ I say, lying back on my pillows and rubbing my forehead. ‘I’m a bit confused. What did I need to hear?’

  ‘The teachers at Guildhall aren’t there in the audience of the showcase to see what you can do. They’re there to see who you are. Think about the hundreds of people who audition for these courses every year; think how many people they’ve heard play Bach’s Prelude in C. It’s not simply a matter of pressing the right keys; it’s the feeling. Like you said, playing the piano and music are part of who you are. And the Guildhall teachers must have seen that in the audition and that’s why they wanted you.’

  ‘So, when Caroline took me to that movement class …’

  ‘From what you told me, it sounds like she was showing you that you have a right to be up on that stage, just like every other student does, as no one else but yourself. That’s your space. Don’t apologize for being there. It’s a hard thing to do to make yourself open and vulnerable to an audience, but that’s what music is. She told you that you apologize with your body language for merely being in the room, yes?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I remember. ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Why are you apologizing for doing what you love? You’re so worried about what Caroline Morreau, the great pianist, thinks of you that you’re too afraid to let yourself connect with the music you’re playing. And I think she could tell. You were playing the notes but you weren’t really feeling what it was all about.’

  ‘And I’ve been like that with every piece of music this term?’

  There’s a pause.

  ‘Mostly, yes. But, as I said, it’s good to try new things and I’ve been proud of how you’ve come along technically. I’ve never seen anyone work harder.’

  ‘So, what do I do now?’

  ‘You fall in love with playing again,’ he replies simply. ‘Stop playing for everyone else. Play for you.’

  I let his words sink in and in the background I hear that wonderfully familiar sound of the old bell ringing above Neptune Records’ door as he walks in.

  ‘Thanks, Mr Rogers,’ I say, exhaling. ‘You’ve been very helpful.’

  ‘Any time, Nina. I’ll see you next week.’

  ‘See you next week.’

  I hang up and lie there for a minute. It feels as though a blanket of calm has just been thrown over me. For the first time in weeks, my mind seems clear. I’ve been trying so hard to play the piano well that I haven’t really been playing the piano.

  If that makes sense.

  This whole time I’ve been trying to impress Caroline when I should have been playing for me! I leap up from my bed and know that I need to get straight back to the practice-room building. I feel elated as I rush down the stairs, throwing open the door and –

  ‘Nina!’

  I run straight into Chase, who has to put his arms out to stop me from toppling over.

  ‘Hey!’ I beam, never happier to see those sparkling blue eyes of his. ‘What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting tonight.’

  ‘I wanted to tell you in person.’ He gives me a strange look. ‘What’s different about you?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Something’s different,’ he says, a smile on his lips. ‘You seem … taller. And your face is all bright and glowy.’

  ‘I feel taller. And brighter and glowier. Chase, I’ve got it. Mr Rogers has helped me to see what’s been going on this whole time. I haven’t been playing the piano!’

  Chase frowns. ‘You what now?’

  ‘I haven’t been playing the piano!’

  ‘Nina, have you fallen over and banged your head?’ he asks, bending slightly to look closely into my eyes. ‘You’ve barely stopped playing the piano in the last few weeks. I’m surprised you haven’t turned into a piano.’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ I say. ‘But it doesn’t matter because I think I know what I’m going to do for the showcase now and I … Hang on. What do you mean you wanted to tell me in person?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘When I asked what you were doing here, you said you wanted to tell me in person. What did you want to tell me?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, well,’ he says, shuffling his feet. ‘I thought I’d drop by this morning because I really want to enjoy our date night tonight, and I didn’t want this to spoil it. So I thought I’d tell you now and then you can be angry all day and forgive me by the evening.’

  ‘Okaaaay? That sounds worrying.’

  ‘Nina, the news is coming out,’ he says quietly, glancing around him to make sure no one is listening. ‘We’re going to announce that I’m going solo. I’m signing with Emerald Entertainment. It’s official.’

  ‘That’s amazi
ng!’ I cry, jumping into his arms.

  He laughs and spins me round, kissing me as he places me back on my feet.

  ‘I can’t believe it’s happening. It’s really happening.’

  ‘I can.’ I grin up at him. ‘You deserve this. I’m so happy for you! And the rest of the band?’

  ‘We’ve worked it out,’ he says happily. ‘Miles has finally got his head round it and, once he did, the rest of the band followed. I should have been honest with them right from the start. We’ve had some really good talks about it and I think they see it from my point of view. They want to support me. That’s why we’re going to announce it as a band at a press conference. Together.’

  ‘I’m really happy for you, Chase – this is great news. Why would you think that would make me angry?’

  His eyes drop to the floor. ‘They’ve scheduled the press conference for the day of your showcase. I’ve tried to get them to change it but they can’t. There’s nothing I can do.’

  I drop his hands like they’re burning hot. ‘What?’

  ‘Nina, please – you know it’s out of my control.’

  ‘You promised you’d be there,’ I whisper, all the good feeling I had a moment ago seeping away. ‘You promised.’

  ‘I know, but there’s nothing I can do! I asked Mark and he said it wasn’t possible. It’s not that easy setting up a press conference. There are a lot of people involved –’

  ‘Chase, for the past couple of months we’ve hardly had any time together and you know that my showcase is a really big deal. It’s the one day you promised you would be there for me, no matter what. I need you in the audience. You have to change the press conference, please!’

  ‘I can’t,’ he says harshly before taking a deep breath and continuing in a softer tone. ‘I wish I could be there, but you’re brilliant, Nina – you really are, and you’re going to be absolutely amazing whether I’m in the audience or not.’