I loved Beckett to the depths of my soul, in a way that consumed even the smallest bits and shadowed places I’d kept hidden from everyone else. Even the love I had for my kids connected to the way I loved Beckett, because he loved them, too.
“Did you ever think about telling me?” I turned my head slowly, somehow finding the strength to look at him.
“From the first moment I saw you,” he admitted, having moved to lean against the end of the kitchen counter, the same one we’d made love on for the first time. “It was always on the tip of my tongue, especially when you asked about Chaos. I saw the pain you were in, and part of me wondered if maybe you’d fallen for him the same way I had for you.”
“And still you let me believe he—you were dead.” I didn’t answer the implied question.
“I would get so jealous of myself, wondering why you had opened up to me when I was just a letter, but the real me had no chance. I knew from the beginning that telling you would lead to the moment we’re having right now, when you would inevitably kick me out of your life, and that meant I couldn’t do what Ryan asked and what you needed. The lie was the only way to help you. So I accepted that I would never be more to you than the guy your brother sent.”
“And then I fell in love with you.” Foolish, stupid, naive heart.
“You gave me a glimpse of the life I never thought I could have. You showed me what it meant to have a family and people who show up, and I did my best to show up for you. I can’t thank you enough for the last eleven months, and I can’t begin to explain how immeasurably sorry I am for what I’ve done to you, and what I’ve cost you. Ella, you’re the last person I would ever want to hurt.”
“But you did.” That hurt was an avalanche headed my way. I felt the rumble in my soul, saw the chilled powder descend over my common sense, even heard the warning sirens in my head. I’d fallen in love with this man, and he’d lied to me every day for the last eleven months.
Jeff promised he’d love me forever. He pretended to be something he wasn’t, and then he walked out.
Ryan promised me we’d always take care of each other. He joined the military and came home in a box.
My father promised he was just going TDY for a week or two…and never looked back. Never even asked for visitation.
Beckett…Chaos. What else had he lied about? Could I believe anything he’d said in the last year? Had he lied to the kids? Was he even telling me the truth now? Or just what he thought might earn him my mercy? Could I believe anything he’d ever tell me again?
“I am so very sorry. Forgiveness, or even understanding, isn’t something I’m expecting from you. I’m in no way worthy of it, or you. I never was.”
My heart started screaming. I was near the end of whatever strength I had and needed to get out of here before I had a complete breakdown. The look in his eyes kept my feet glued to the floor. There was no plea, no terror over what was happening to us, just sorrowful acceptance. He’d always known we would end up here. He put us through it anyway.
Was there any way to come back from this? I loved this man, and he loved me. That was worth fighting for, right? But how toxic would we be if we ever found a way past it? I would never forget what he’d done—it would always linger over us like an ominous cloud, raining down poison.
“I need to ask you one last question.”
“Anything,” he answered. How could a face so beautiful mask so much deception?
“Everything you did—the adoption, our relationship, Maisie’s graduation, Colt’s tree house—was that because of Ryan’s letter?” My breath caught in my chest, waiting for his answer. As much as he’d hurt me, I needed to know that we were real, that I hadn’t been that stupid.
“No. Ryan’s letter got me here. I wouldn’t have come without it. But the rest, Ella, that was all because I love you. Because I love Colt and Maisie. Because for this brief, shining moment, you were my family, my future, and it looked a lot like forever. I didn’t do all of that for Ryan. I did it for you. For me.”
The ten feet between us stretched endlessly and yet felt like nothing as I debated my next move. There were equal parts of love and lies between us, but my anger over his betrayal overshadowed it all.
I still loved him—both sides of him—but I’d never be capable of trusting him again. Without trust, what good was love? How could you build a life with someone if you had to question the truthfulness of everything they said and did?
“It’s not enough.” Once the words were spoken, I felt their truth ring in my soul. “You’ve looked me in the eye for nearly a year and lied to me. I shared everything I had with you—my heart, my soul, my body, and even my family—and you couldn’t even be truthful about who you are. I don’t know how to even process that. I don’t know what parts of you—parts of us—are lies or truths. I want to be strong and say that we’ll get past it, because we love each other so much, but I don’t think that’s possible. Not now, anyway. I don’t have enough strength left in me for this. Ryan’s death took it. Maisie’s diagnosis took it. I should have known you’d take it, too, but I trusted you, and now I don’t have anything left to give.”
My hand along the wall steadied me as I walked toward the front door. The sunlight streamed in through the glass pane, beckoning me like a promise—if I could just get out of here somewhat intact, I’d be okay. Because I had to be. I had Colt and Maisie to take care of. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart like some lovesick girl.
I didn’t have the luxury of forgiving Beckett.
“I understand.” His voice came from right behind me as my hand gripped the door handle. I felt his nearness, that palpable electricity that had always sparked between us, and knew if I turned he’d be right there. “If you need anything, I’m still here.”
My eyes burned again, but this time it wasn’t grief over Ryan, but Beckett. The feeling was similar, knowing I’d lost the person I’d loved most.
“I think it would be best if you left.” I spoke directly to the door. Beckett remaining in Telluride would only give me time to fall right back into him—and I couldn’t survive another lie. I couldn’t be strong for my kids when Beckett brought me to my knees, and they came first. Always. “I’ll have your things boxed from my place and sent over. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
As surely as if I’d cauterized the wound with a branding iron, every nerve in my body cried out with pain, sharp and nauseating. Without waiting for his response, I walked out of the cabin and didn’t look back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Beckett
Letter #22
Chaos,
Ryan is dead. But I’m sure you already know that. I honestly feel like I’m just writing it out so it feels real.
Ryan is dead.
Ryan is dead.
Ryan…
Nothing about it feels right. His body is still in Dover, being prepared for burial, and they’ve already told me that I can’t see him. In that way, I’m hoping it’s all a cruel joke, that he’s not really in a box. That I don’t have to figure out where to bury my brother.
My mom. My dad. My grandmother. Ryan. They’re all gone, and yet I’m still here. Is Maisie next? Is this what life really is? One tragedy after another? Or is this simply the way my life is going?
Colt and Maisie are devastated. Colt refused to speak yesterday after I told him, and Maisie hasn’t stopped crying. I, on the other hand, haven’t started crying. Not yet. I’m terrified that once I start, I won’t ever stop. I’ll just be this saltwater fountain who leaks misery.
Ryan was my best friend. My safe harbor in a storm. And now I feel like I’m out on this endless ocean in the middle of a hurricane, and the waves are just waiting to capsize me and take me under.
I know this sounds crazy, but the only person I want right now is you. You’re the only person I’ve been completely honest with
these last few months. You’re the only person who might understand the debilitating, soul-crushing grief that I can’t even begin to fathom. Because I know, as much as you swear you don’t know what family is, Ryan was your brother. He was your family.
I’m just hoping you come for his funeral, because I know he would have wanted you here. I know I do. And if you can’t come, then I hope you’re not changing your plans. Please come to Telluride. Even if it’s just to get a cup of coffee with me. Please come.
~ Ella
…
I read the letter for the hundredth time or so, and then put it back into my nightstand drawer. I’d avoided that letter, and the two that had followed, for the last sixteen months, and now it was all I wanted to read—to hear her voice in my head.
If I’d read it when she’d sent it, instead of hiding it away, I would have come. I never could have denied her, and everything would have been different. Then again, Ryan would still be dead because of me, so maybe not.
I came down the stairs of my new house to find Havoc napping in the sun that came through the floor-to-second-story windows in my great room. I’d had a section of the trees cleared so I could see the island that perched in the middle of the tiny lake. Luckily, with the angle my house was at, I couldn’t see Ella’s house.
Maybe I was torturing myself keeping Ryan’s grave in sight, but knowing Ella was this close and so damn far was way worse. It had been over a month since she’d walked out of my cabin. My things had arrived that afternoon. My entire role in Ella’s life came down to four moving boxes.
As breakups went, I’d expected screaming, shrieking, throwing things at me for what I’d done, but her stoic silence was worse. She’d accepted that we were done, and now I had to move on without her and the kids.
God, I missed the kids. Falling for Ella had tied me to them in a way that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for all they taught me, for the love I hadn’t realized I’d even been able to feel. A curse because Ella cut off all my access, as was her right. She didn’t trust me, and that extended to the kids. Her heart was broken over me, but my heart was shattered over the loss of all three of them.
I sighed at the sight of my empty living room. I really needed to buy some furniture. I had the bedroom covered, and most of the kitchen stuff was being delivered daily, thanks to Amazon.com. But the rest of the furniture just didn’t seem important, because this was my house but for some reason didn’t feel like my home.
My phone rang as I opened the fridge to figure out some lunch.
“Gentry,” I answered, wondering who had gotten themselves lost this time. As spring came to the area, more hikers were showing up and getting altitude sickness, or lost, or breaking their bones in inconvenient locations.
“Mr. Gentry? I’m so sorry to bother you. This is Principal Halsen over here at the elementary school. I happen to have Colton in the office.”
My stomach lurched. “Is he okay? Is he hurt?” Why were they calling me?
“No, no. Nothing like that. He actually got into an altercation today with a classmate and needs to go home.”
“A fight?” No way. Not Colt. Sure, the kid got fired up, but I’d never seen him get violent unless it was over Maisie.
“Yep, a fight.”
“Whoa. Did you call his mom?”
“We tried, but she’s not answering, and Colt told us that she’s in Montrose for one of Margaret’s therapies. I was hoping you might be able to come pick him up.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the number, just to make sure I wasn’t being pranked. “Pick him up?” I asked slowly.
“Yes. Policy demands that he go home for the day, and you’re the second name on his emergency contact sheet.”
Shit. Ella hadn’t updated the kids’ information yet. Which meant I might get to see Colt. I slammed the door on my excitement. Ella didn’t want me to see him, and I had no right to. “Is anyone else on the list?”
“Only Ada and Larry, and from what I’m being told, they’re on vacation in Glenwood Springs for a few days.”
Which left me.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
He thanked me, and we hung up.
I hesitated for a second, my finger hovering over Ella’s name on my contacts list, but I manned up and clicked the phone icon. It went straight to voicemail, not that I was surprised. I’d tried to call a few times that first week and had the same result. Ella was done with me. She’d told me that lies were her hard limit, and she meant it.
“Hey, Ella, it’s Beckett. Look, the school just called, and I guess Colt got into a fight and needs to be picked up. I’m the only one on his list, so I’m going to grab him. Let me know if you want me to drop him at the main house at Solitude or bring him up to Montrose. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just bring him back to my house. I know you don’t want me to see him, but this is a little out of my control, so I’m hoping you’ll understand. Thanks.” I hung up and rested the phone against my forehead. Even hearing the message on her voicemail was torture.
I left Havoc sleeping in the sunshine and headed out, driving along the dirt road that cut through the property. Within twenty minutes, I pulled up to the school. With all the butterflies in my stomach, I would have thought I was the one about to get it from the principal. Instead, I was about to get it from Colt.
I walked through the doors and signed the clipboard, then looked up at the receptionist. “Hi, I’m Beckett Gentry, I’m here to pick up—”
“Colton MacKenzie,” the young woman said with a smile. “I know who you are. We all do.” She nodded toward a few other women who gathered around the desk behind her.
“Ah, okay. So, can I get him?”
“Oh, sure! I’ll buzz you in.”
The buzzer sounded, and I walked into the school. The last time I’d been here had been with Ella for Colt’s first grade play a couple of months ago. As recent as it felt, it also seemed like someone else’s memory.
“This way,” the receptionist said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and giving me a flirtatious smile. “I’m Jennifer, in case you don’t remember.”
“Jennifer, right. We met last year, right?” She led me into the administration offices.
“Yep! When you came in for search and rescue with your dog. I may have slipped you my number when you signed in.”
“Yes, I do remember that.” I tried to force a smile. Ella and I hadn’t been together then, but it hadn’t mattered, and I hadn’t called Jennifer. “I’m sorry for not calling. I hope there are no hard feelings.”
Jennifer touched my arm just outside the principal’s door. “None. I was so sorry to hear that you and Ella broke up. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk, I’m happy to give you my number again, just in case.”
Oh boy. She looked so hopeful, and uncomplicated, and not Ella.
“Thanks, I’ll…keep that in mind.” It was the best I could do without offending her.
“You do that.” She smiled again. A lot of smiling. I bet she was happy most of the time. That she wasn’t fighting to keep her kid alive, or dealing with the death of her brother and the betrayal of the man she loved. She was all shiny, like a new penny.
But in the last eighteen months, I’d learned that I liked a little bit of tarnish. It gave depth to the lines and made the shiny parts all the more eye-catching. Ella was beyond beautiful for what she’d been through. Tragedy hadn’t broken her, it had refined her.
Jennifer knocked and opened the door to the principal’s office, and I entered, my eyes immediately locking onto Colt’s.
His flew impossibly wide.
“Principal Halsen,” I addressed the administrator, who motioned to the empty chair beside Colt.
I took it, sitting next to a very rigid Colt. Every line of his little body was tense, and his mou
th was all pursed up. His hand gripped the armrest, and I reached over, giving him a reassuring squeeze. His posture softened the slightest bit, but it was enough.
“Mr. Gentry. I’m so sorry to call you in here, but in this kind of incident when there’s violence, we do need to send him home.”
“Can you tell me what happened?” I asked Colt.
“He attacked a classmate—”
“I’d like to hear it from him, first, if that’s okay,” I interrupted Principal Halsen.
“We were on the playground, and Drake Cooper wouldn’t leave Emma alone. She doesn’t like him.” Colt kept his eyes forward. “She told him to leave, and he wouldn’t, and he tried to kiss her.”
Drake. Recognition hit me. Letter number three.
“Is this the same kid who went after Maisie with that kiss-tag stuff?” I asked. It was the first time I’d ever used something only Chaos would have known. Of course, Colt didn’t know that, didn’t realize that as I sat next to him. I felt an odd merging of the guy who had written those letters and the man who had adopted Colt.
“Yeah. I guess he didn’t learn.”
“Guess not.”
Principal Halsen gave me a disapproving look, which I blatantly ignored.
“So I pulled him away and hit him,” Colt finished with a shrug. “He tried to hit me back, but I dodged.”
“Nice,” I said with a nod.
“He’s slow.” Another shrug.
“Mr. Gentry, as you can see, your son instigated violence in an unprovoked attack. He’ll be sent home today and suspended tomorrow. We have to send a message that this kind of violence isn’t tolerated.”
“I’m not his son,” Colt whispered.
Yeah, you are.
“Right, sorry, Colt,” Principal Halsen corrected and sent me another pointed look. He knew about the adoption from the records point of view.
“I have no problem with taking Colt home or him being suspended. You’re right, he did swing first. But my question is what you’re going to do about Drake.”
Colt’s head swung toward me in shock.
The Last Letter Page 32