“I’m sorry?” Principal Halsen asked.
“My guess is that you’ve told Colt he’s purely at fault here, right? After all, he swung, he did what you thought was escalating violence.”
“He is in the wrong.”
“Maybe. But so is Drake. And he was already in the middle of an act of violence, which Colt stopped.”
“I’d hardly call playground antics like that violence,” Principal Halsen scoffed. “Drake has been told that his actions are unacceptable. But you know how little boys with crushes are, I’m sure.”
I glanced at Colt, who had the same look on his face Ella did when she was about to blow a gasket.
“Actually, I do. They act like Colt and protect the girls they like. What the other kid did, whether or not you see it, is wrong. And sure, you can brush it off as a playground antic, like I’m sure you’ve done for the last thirty years you’ve been at this school. The problem isn’t this one time; it’s the pattern. You did nothing last year when it was Maisie. Now we’re here, and that kid is another year older. So sure, I can take Colt home and give him a stern talking to about when it’s appropriate to use force. But I’ll probably end up showing him how to throw a better punch, because one day that other kid will be sixteen, and it won’t be just playground kisses he’s taking by force.”
Principal Halsen dropped his jaw, and I stood. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I’ll be sure his mother takes appropriate action. Colt? Ready to go? I think ice cream is in order.”
Colt nodded, scooting off the chair and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. We walked out of the office, through the double set of doors, and into the brisk March air. Colt was silent as we climbed into the truck and he buckled into his booster seat.
I hadn’t removed it in the last month. That action seemed more permanent than when Ella had walked out of the cabin.
“Your mom hasn’t called,” I said as I checked my phone.
“She’s in Montrose with Maisie,” Colt answered.
“Yeah. Who is taking care of you since Ada and Larry are on vacation?” I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward Solitude. Traffic wasn’t too bad this time of day, but as soon as the sun went down, it would be mayhem as usual during tourist season.
The fact that I’d now lived somewhere long enough to recognize there was such a thing as tourist season was a revelation.
“Hailey.”
“Okay, want me to run you by the main house?” I looked in the rearview mirror, but he was staring out the window. “Colt?”
“I don’t care.”
I’d never had three words cut me that quickly before. Of course he was mad at me. He had every right to be. “Well, I left your mom a message that if she didn’t call me back, I’d take you to my house. Is that cool? Or would you rather go to Hailey?”
This was a catch-22, and I knew it. More than anything, I wanted a few hours with him. I needed to know how he was, what was new in his life, if he’d made the spring league soccer team. I missed the twins just as much as I missed Ella. But I also knew this was against Ella’s wishes, and I couldn’t just steal these hours.
“How far away do you live?” he asked, still watching the scenery go by. “I can’t get on a plane or anything. Mom would be really mad.”
My heart lurched. “Bud, I still live in Telluride—”
“You do? I just thought…” He shook his head. “I guess we can go to your house, that way you didn’t lie to my mom. She gets really mad if you lie.”
I knew Ella was the kind of mom who wouldn’t go into that much detail of why we weren’t together anymore, but those words hit home just the same. “You sure?”
He nodded. “Hailey’s working, and the sub cook doesn’t like kids around. Ada doesn’t like her, anyway. And if it’s okay, I’d really like to see Havoc.” His tone was flat, as if he’d been deciding between broccoli and cauliflower on his plate.
“Yeah. She’d like that, too. So would I. I miss you, buddy.”
“Okay.” He scoffed.
“I do, Colt.”
He didn’t respond, and continued the silent treatment until we pulled onto the dirt road that began just on the edge of the Solitude property.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“My house.”
He leaned toward the window, checking out the property. “You live back here?”
“I do.” We pulled into the small clearing where the house was built, and Colt’s head swiveled.
“You live on the other side of the lake?”
“Yep. Pretty cool, right?” I pulled into the garage and killed the engine.
“Sure.” Colt grabbed his backpack and was to the house before I was.
I opened the door, and he flew inside, dropping to his knees where the mudroom met the kitchen and throwing his arms around Havoc.
She whined, her tail thumping on the floor as she laid her head on his shoulder, then the other. “I know. I missed you, too, girl,” Colt said, rubbing behind her ears. “It’s okay.”
I don’t know who was killing me more at the moment: Colt with his soft words or Havoc with her whines. She’d been the same way when Maisie came home from mega-chemo in December.
“I’ve got ice cream in the freezer,” I offered.
“Nah. I’m good. Let’s play!” He ditched his bag after grabbing his jacket, and Havoc led him out the front door, her Kong already in her mouth.
I followed and sat on the front porch steps as Colt threw the toy on the shore of the lake. He was only thirty feet away, but man, he’d frozen me out so efficiently that it felt like miles.
After a few minutes, I walked toward them.
“You like it?” I asked.
“You can’t see my house from here,” he said with another shrug.
“Nope, it’s behind the island.”
“Is that why you forgot about me?” He flung the ball down the shore.
Yeah, I wasn’t going to survive a few hours with him at this rate. Ella would find me dead, Colt holding the shredded remains of my heart.
“I never forgot you, Colt. That would be impossible.”
Havoc brought him the Kong, and he threw it harder, the motion more anger than exercise. “Yeah, right.”
“Colt.” I dropped to my knees and turned him toward me, then took a huge breath to steady myself. He had twin tear tracks down his cheeks. “I did not forget you.”
“Then why haven’t you seen us? One day I went to school, and when I came home, Mom said you guys weren’t friends anymore, and that was it.”
“Bud, it’s complicated.” I put my hands on his shoulders.
“That’s what grown-ups say when they don’t want to explain stuff.” He blinked, and another set of angry tears dropped.
“You know what? You’re right. Relationships between grown-ups are really hard to explain, but I’ll try. I messed up. You got that? Not your mom. This isn’t her fault, it’s mine. And I messed up so big that we broke up.”
“But you didn’t break up with me!” he shouted. “Or Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.”
“I’m right here,” I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.
“But I didn’t know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends. Friends don’t do that.”
“You’re right. Colt, I’m so sorry.” I put every ounce of emotion I had into my words, hoping he’d realize how true they were. “I have missed you every single day. There hasn’t been a minute when I haven’t wanted to see you, or talk to you. What happened between your mom and me doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and Maisie. It’s just…” Why weren’t there words for this? Why couldn’t I explain things to him without placing blame on Ella? It wasn’t her fault
. It was mine.
“Complicated,” he finished.
“Yeah. Complicated.”
His anger faded, his mouth drooping into a profound, lip-trembling sadness. “I just…I kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.”
This time his tears destroyed me. I yanked him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him. “Me, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isn’t your fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s my fault. So if you want to be mad, that’s okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?”
“I don’t want to be mad.” He cried into my shirt. “I want you to fix it!”
“I wish I could. But there are some things too broken to fix.”
He pulled back and glared at me. “Maisie was really broken, and you and Mom fix her. And she gets sick, and she cries, but Mom says she’ll get better if she fights, and then it will all be worth it.”
“I know.” I was usually really good at kid logic, but he was stumping me here.
“So you can’t be more broken than Maisie and not try to fix it. You don’t see Maisie giving up, and it’s been forever.” He dragged out the last word. “You and Mom broke in a day.”
“I really wish it was that simple, Colt.”
“So does Maisie. But she’s brave enough to try.”
I was seriously getting schooled in relationships by a seven-year-old. “You know who you sound like right now?”
He raised his eyebrows but didn’t answer.
“Your Uncle Ryan. Just like him.”
He looked out at the island and back to me. “Okay. So are you going to try to fix it? Or are you giving up?”
Everything to Colt was so easy. He hadn’t seen the worst of humanity yet, what people were capable of doing to one another. Hadn’t seen what I’d done to his mom. Didn’t know that I’d cost him his uncle. I loved Ella even more in that moment for not turning them against me.
“I can try, buddy. For you and Maisie, I can try.” I’d respected Ella’s wish to disappear. Having taken away all her other choices, that seemed like the best way to honor her. Besides, it wasn’t like I deserved a second chance. But what if I’d made a mistake? What if I should have pushed?
She would have pushed you right back.
“Good. Apologize. Girls like that.” He gave me a nod and a pat on my shoulder.
“I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else?”
His forehead puckered for a moment, and then he gave me a smirk. “They like it when you fight for them, too.”
Man, I loved this kid.
“Emma’s the one, huh?” From what I remembered of Colt’s birthday party, she’d been cute, kind, and smart, with big brown eyes and curly black hair a few shades darker than her complexion.
“She’s got pretty skin.” He nodded for emphasis.
I joined in on the nod, managing not to chuckle. “You tell her that?”
“No!” He looked around for a second, pondering. “Maybe when we’re twelve.”
“Playing the long game, gotcha.” I stood as he turned and threw the Kong for Havoc again, who had been waiting patiently. “I think what you did for her today was pretty awesome. It’s always good to protect smaller people. Maybe less hitting, though.”
He nodded. “I got really mad.”
“Yeah, I get that, too. But that’s a big part of being a man, knowing your strength and controlling your anger.”
“I’m seven.”
I almost laughed, realizing I’d been in his life long enough to hear him preach I’m six.
“Not for long. You could have just pulled him off, and the result wouldn’t have been as satisfying but just as effective. Plus, no principal time.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, echoing my words from earlier.
“So what do you think about the house?” I’d built it for him, for Maisie…for Ella. Ironically, we’d broken up right before I could surprise her with it.
Or maybe I just should have told her from the beginning, like everything else.
He looked up at the house, his brows drawn in appraisal. “It’s good. I like it.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“It needs a tree house.” He pointed over to a gathering of pine trees. “Right there would be good.”
“Noted.”
“And a zip line.”
“Not going to give up on that one, are you?”
“Never!” He took off, chasing Havoc down the beach as my phone rang.
Ella.
“Hey,” I answered.
“What happened to Colt?” she asked, her voice pitched. “I’m so sorry, I don’t have service in that wing of the hospital, and I missed all the calls and now school is closed. What a mess.”
Her voice slid through me, soothing and cutting in one graceful move. “It’s okay.” I cleared my throat, hoping to clear the gravel sound out.
“I can’t believe you went all the way there. How far away were you?”
“Maybe ten minutes?”
“Wait. You’re still in Telluride?”
“I told you I wouldn’t leave.”
Her breathing pattern changed multiple times, like she would start to say something and then change her mind.
“So, Drake tried to kiss Emma,” I said, “and Colt went after him.”
She groaned. “What a jerk. Drake, I mean. Not Colt.”
“Yeah, I know. I might have caused a little drama with the principal, though. I told him it was partially their fault for not putting a stop to it when it happened with Maisie.”
“Right? They let that kid get away with murder. Wait, how did you…?”
I heard her slight intake of breath as she realized how I knew.
“Your third letter.” I felt the tone of our call change as my sins barged in between us, but I didn’t back away from it. “I told Colt it was great to stand up for the girl you like, but maybe a little less hitting.”
“Yeah. True.”
Silence stretched between us, sad and heavy with the things we’d already said last month.
“So, he’s playing with Havoc right now, but I can take him to Hailey if you want. He’s suspended tomorrow.”
“Crap, I’m not due home until tomorrow afternoon, and Hailey’s watching him while Ada and Larry are away, but she’s working all day tomorrow. I don’t mind him at the main house, but—”
“But the cook subbing in for Ada isn’t a big fan of kids. Colt told me.”
“Yeah, she’s kind of mean. But really good, too.” She sighed, and I could picture her smoothing her hair back, her eyes darting from side to side, trying to figure out what to do.
“I can keep him with me. I have the room, and I’d love nothing more than to hang out with him. But I understand completely if you don’t want that, and I’d be willing to bring him to Montrose, too.” Or slice my heart open and bleed out, whatever you’d like.
A few seconds of silence passed, and I almost took it back, hating that I’d put her in that kind of position.
“That would be nice, and I’m sure he’d love it. He’s really missed you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Maisie, too.”
“I’ve missed them, too. It’s…it’s been hard.”
I’ve missed you every second, so much it hurts to breathe.
“Yeah.”
More silence. I would have given anything to see her in that moment, to hold her, to fall at her feet and make whatever sacrifice she demanded.
“Look, I’ll call Solitude and let Hailey know, and I’ll be there around five tomorrow. Is that okay?”
“No problem.”
“Thank you, and I’m glad you’re still here, I mean there. I
n Telluride. Okay. Bye, Beckett.”
“Ella.” I couldn’t bear to say goodbye, even if just for a phone call.
The line went dead, and I looked over at Colt. I had twenty-four hours with him. I did what any rational man would. I called in to work and made the most of every minute.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ella
Letter #2
Ella,
These cookies are the best thing ever. I’m not lying.
First, don’t let the judgy PTA ladies scare you off. Though I’ll admit, I’ve been to war. A lot. And those women still intimidate me, and I don’t even have kids, so I will simply throw you the Hunger Games salute and wish you the best.
Yeah, we watch a lot of movies over here.
You asked about the scariest choice I’ve ever made. I’m not sure I’ve ever really been scared of a choice I’ve made. Being scared means you have something to lose, and I’ve never really had that. Without going into my background too deeply, I’ll simply say that I don’t have family outside of this unit. I don’t have anyone waiting for me to come home from this trip, either. Even joining the army was a no-brainer, since I was eighteen and on the verge of getting kicked out of the system.
I get scared on behalf of the other guys. I hate seeing them get hurt, or worse. I get scared every time your brother pulls some reckless crap, but that’s not my choice.
But I will tell you the biggest choice. I bought a tract of land, sight unseen, simply because it came recommended to me. The owner was in a bind, and I took the plunge. I have no idea what to do with it, either. My investment guy—yes, I have one of those so I don’t die broke—told me to hold on to it and sell it to developers when I want to retire. Your brother said to build a house and settle down.
Now that scares me. The idea of settling somewhere, not starting over every few years, is a little terrifying. There’s a peace that comes with being such a nomad. I start fresh when I move. A clean slate just waiting for me to mess it up. Hey, I warned you, I’m crap with people. Settling down means I have to work on not alienating everyone around me because I’m stuck with them. That, or I become a mountain hermit and grow a really long beard, which might actually be the easier choice.
The Last Letter Page 33