Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  A schoolteacher said, “If you want children to believe you’re really listening to them, get down on their level. If they have to look up at you, they’ll be reluctant to share their innermost thoughts because it’s threatening to reveal yourself to someone who towers over you. They’ll never believe you understand how they feel, because you’re literally and figuratively not on their level. If you kneel down so you see things eye to eye, they’ll share more freely because they’ll know intuitively you’re seeing things from their perspective.”

  Perhaps you’ve been in the unnerving position of chairing a meeting and asking for discussion, only to be met with silence. If you are standing up and everyone else is seated, you may have unwittingly set up a “me boss, you minions” atmosphere. Standing over people denotes domination. (Dominate is interestingly defined as “to overlook from a superior elevation or command because of superior height or position.”) Those seated may be intimidated by your position and not feel free to speak up.

  If you want to encourage dialogue, sit down. Participants will be more comfortable contributing their opinions because you will have established a level playing field. Group members will be more likely to take an active role and listen to each other because the roles have been equalized. You will have established detente, “the relaxation of strained relations or tension.”

  Who is overdue for some listening from you? Who has received more than his share of “Not now,” “Keep it short,” “Hurry up,” “Catch you later?” When are you going to see that person next? Vow right now to give him five minutes of your undivided attention. Put everything else out of your mind and make him the most important thing in your world for those few moments. Use the Three L’s (Look, Lift, and Lean) to preclude preoccupation. Concentrating on him is an eloquent way to say “I value you” and can compensate for other times when you’re distracted and listening with half an ear.

  Action Plan – Don’t Lecture; Listen

  Your friend has invited you to lunch to help him celebrate his promotion. Over your meal, he’s excitedly telling you all about his new responsibilities. Though you’re glad for him, you’re scheduled for a performance evaluation that afternoon, and your mind keeps wandering. What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You continue to worry about how your performance evaluation is going to go.

  “I wonder what my boss is going to say about that project report. What if I don’t get that bonus I’ve been counting on?”

  You grow increasingly restless and start fidgeting.

  “I never should have agreed to this lunch in the first place.”

  Your eyes wander and you notice several fellow employees walk in.

  “I wonder how their appraisals went. Uh-oh, they don’t look too happy.”

  Words To Use

  You tell yourself that your friend is important to you and that he deserves your full focus.

  "I can think about my performance appraisal when I get back to the office. For the next half-hour, I’m going to give Max my undivided attention.”

  You activate your interest with the Three L’s.

  “I'm going to sit up, lean across the table, and lift my eyebrows so I’ll feel more like listening.”

  You keep your eyes on Max’s face so your mind doesn’t wander.

  “I'm glad to hear Max got this new position. He deserves it”.

  CHAPTER 4: END COMPLAINTS INSTANTLY

  “It takes less time to do something right than to explain why it was done wrong.” – poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  What do you do if someone complains? Do you explain what went wrong and why they didn’t get what they wanted when they wanted it?

  This is a well-intended response. Unfortunately, it usually hurts more than it helps.

  Why? Explanations come across as excuses or accusations. The complainer will get even more exasperated because he’ll feel you’re not being accountable.

  Imagine you work for a furniture store and the telephone rings. No sooner do you pick it up than the caller launches into a complaint: “What kind of business are you running, anyway? I ordered a couch from you three weeks ago and I still haven’t received it. What’s taking so long?”

  Understand that the caller doesn’t really want you to explain why it’s taking so long. If you say, “Several of our drivers have been out sick with the flu so we’ve gotten behind on our deliveries,” the customer would probably snap back, “I don’t want to hear your office health history. You said I’d have my couch in I0 days. All I want to know is, when are you going to deliver that couch?”

  When People Complain, Don’t Explain

  “Explanations come across as excuses.” - Tongue Fu’ism

  From this day forward when people complain, ask yourself if what they are saying is basically true. If it is, say these magic words: “You’re right!”

  Usually, when people are upset, they have a legitimate reason to be so. Instead of outlining what went wrong, acknowledge what they’ve said and move on to what can be done about it. Explanations aggravate complaints; “You’re right” ends them.

  I developed a rhyme to help a group of employees remember this concept: “When people complain, if we explain, it will be in vain.” A few picked up on my rhythm and said, “When customers complain, if we explain, it will only cause pain.” One more? “When customers complain, don’t explain, take the AAA Train.”

  When People Complain – Take The “AAA Train” - Agree, Apologize, Act

  “Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.” – Pearl S. Buck

  Recently I witnessed what happens when an employee takes the AAA Train with a complainer. I arrived at my doctor’s office for an appointment, gave the receptionist my name and sat in the only available chair. An hour later, we were all still waiting, and the man across from me was not a happy camper. He thumbed restlessly through the pile of outdated magazines and squirmed in his chair, jiggling his foot up and down and checking his watch every few minutes. He finally marched over to the receptionist’s window and rapped sharply on the glass.

  The medical assistant opened the panel and asked politely, “Yes, sir, how may I help you?”

  He demanded, “What is going on? I had a three p.m. appointment. It’s almost 4:30, and I still haven’t seen the doctor.”

  Instead of explaining what had gone wrong (which would only have further annoyed the irate individual), the receptionist took the AAA Train.

  Agree: “You’re right, sir. You did have a three o’clock appointment . . .”

  Apologize: “. . . and I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long. The doctor has been held up in surgery.”

  Act: “Let me call the hospital and ask the nurse how much longer he’s going to be. Thank you for understanding. I appreciate your being so patient.”

  The man stopped taking his frustration out on the employee. What else could he do in the face of such gracious efficiency? It would have been a different story if she had said, “There’s nothing we can do about it. The doctor’s still at the hospital and everyone’s just going to have to wait until he gets here.”

  Don’t Aggravate Complaints, Expedite Them

  “Don’t make an excuse; make an effort.” – Henry Ford

  From now on, instead of taking the time to explain why something went wrong, use that time to start making it right!

  A man laughed ruefully when I introduced this idea. He said, “I wish I’d known this last Friday.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I was supposed to pick my wife up after work to go to dinner. I left my office on time, but the drive took three times longer than it should have because there was an accident on the freeway that completely blocked traffic. You couldn’t move forward, you couldn’t move backward. Everyone around me just shut off their engines. We all just sat there until they could clear away the accident. The battery in my cell phone was dead so there was no way to contact my wife and l
et her know what was happening. Once we started moving, I tried to make up for lost time, but there wasn’t much I could do. A block away from her building, I could see my wife on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth, I could tell she was fuming.

  “I pulled up; she yanked open the car door and yelled, ‘Where have you been? You were supposed to be here at 5:30!’

  “I didn’t know any better then, so I tried to explain. ‘It’s not my fault. I’ve been sitting on the freeway all this time.’

  “She stormed back, ‘How was I supposed to know that? I didn’t know if you had forgotten or if something had happened to you. Why didn’t you call me?”

  ”I couldn’t. My battery died. Don’t blame me for being late. It wasn’t my fault.”

  “Back and forth we went. I finally blew up and told her to get off my case. That incident ruined our evening. I realize now I could have prevented this whole thing if I’d just used the Three As and said, ‘You’re right. I was supposed to be here at 5:30, and I’m sorry you had to wait. An accident caused gridlock on the highway. From now on, if I’m going to pick you up on a Friday night, I’m building in a cushion for Murphy’s Law … AND I’ll make sure to keep my cell battery charged.”

  Why It’s Never Right To Make Someone Wrong

  “We can be right – or we can be happy.” – Course of Miracles

  A Department of Motor Vehicles employee didn’t like what he was hearing. “Why should we apologize for something that’s not our fault? Yesterday a guy couldn’t renew his driver’s license because he didn’t have his insurance papers with him. He got upset at me because he was going to have to start the process all over. I couldn’t believe it. How could he blame me when there’s a big sign out front that lists all the needed documents? I’m not about to say I’m sorry; he’s the one who didn’t read the instructions.”

  I said to the DMV employee, “I hear what you’re saying. It is his ‘fault’ for not following the rules, but it doesn’t serve any good purpose to try to prove that point. It’s never right to make people feel wrong.

  One of the goals of Tongue Fu! is to set a positive precedent for courtesy. If you tell that customer what he already knows—‘Hey, it’s not my fault you didn’t bring the right forms!’—it’d make him even angrier. He’d be more likely to take it out on you, which would make your day even more stressful. How does that help?”

  Please note, you can acknowledge someone’s frustration, disappointment, or confusion to let them know you are sympathetic to their situation … and it doesn’t mean you caused it.

  Suppose you acknowledge how he’s feeling by saying, “I can only imagine how frustrating it is to find out you don’t have the proper paperwork after waiting in line so long. Tell you what; our least-busy times are on weekdays in the afternoon. The lines are pretty short. If you fill out this form now and bring those insurance papers with you then; all we’d have to do is verify them and you could be on your way.”

  I asked the DMV staffer, “How would the customer respond if you chose to respond this way?” The guy replied, “He’d probably stop yelling at me.” Exactly!

  Taking the AAA Train works to everyone’s advantage. James Matthew Barrie observed, “Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”

  Telling someone you’re sorry something went wrong doesn’t mean you’re to blame or the one responsible, it’s just a way of commiserating so that the person feels someone cares.

  I was presenting this idea in a Tongue Fu!® workshop for a county emergency medical service department, and one of the paramedics disagreed with me. “Our supervisor told us that we should never apologize for anything because it means we’re liable. Yesterday our ambulance crew wasn’t able to save a drowning victim. The man’s wife was understandably upset, but she said, “You could have saved him if you’d gotten here quicker.” There’s no way I was going to agree and give her the impression she was right.”

  Good point. If something has gone wrong and someone has their facts wrong, you don’t want to agree with them. In the heat of the moment though, it won’t help to try to correct them. Telling the man’s wife, “It’s not our fault your husband drowned” wouldn’t have served any good purpose. Going back and forth about who’s to “blame” wouldn’t undo what happened.

  Instead of saying, “There was nothing we could do. He was gone by the time we got here,” the paramedic could have taken the Express AA Train and dealt with the woman more tactfully:

  Acknowledge: “Mrs. Palmer, I’m so sorry about your loss.”

  Act: “How can we help? Is there a family member we can call for you? Are there some belongings we can collect?”

  Please note: when something has gone horribly wrong; it’s not about proving who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about reaching out to the other person and trying to help them deal with what’s happened.

  Don’t Give The Runaround; Give A Resolution

  “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so at least I’d have an excuse.”— Jimmy Fallon, Comedian

  Taking the Express AA Train (Acknowledge, Act) can prevent a situation from becoming explosive. By focusing on what can be done now instead of what should have been done and wasn’t, you can often remedy a mistake before it gets blown out of proportion.

  A friend of mine was able to use this idea with success. She and her husband were having friends over for dinner Saturday night. He had to go into work that day, so she agreed to clean the house and prepare the meal. Her husband walked in a half hour before the friends were supposed to arrive, took one look at the chaos and exclaimed, “Sara, the house is a mess. I thought you were going to get things ready.”

  She said, “Sam, you would have proud of me. I was about to say, ‘Who are you to complain? You weren’t the one here all day trying to clean with the neighborhood kids running in and out. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, and I had to go to the store...” when I realized accusations and explanations wouldn’t help.’

  Instead, I looked at him and said, ‘You’re right, the house is a mess . . . and if you’ll grab the vacuum and take care of the dining room, I know we can have it ready by the time our friends get here.”

  Kudos. What a great example of how the words “You’re right” can take the wind out of a complainer’s sails. And what a great example of how focusing on action (vs. explanation) turned this into a non-issue.

  Thank?! People for Complaining

  “That’s the reason we kind of exist. It’s like our job. To give to each other. And learn from each other.” Angelina Jolie, American Actress

  Have you been ignoring feedback from customers? For every thousand who are dissatisfied with your products or services, only a few take the time to complain. Those willing to complain, (even if they don’t do it courteously) are the only ones offering you the chance to learn what’s wrong and address it.

  A grocery store manager contributed this thought-provoking insight, “I heard supermarket CEO Stu Leonard say years ago, ‘A customer who complains is my best friend.’ That one simple statement changed my whole approach to handling criticism. I used to dread complaints, now I welcome them.

  Mr. Leonard helped me see that if people aren’t bringing problems to me, it doesn’t mean things are perfect. It just means we’re not hearing about our mistakes, which means we’re not correcting them, which means we’re losing business. I would rather know when someone is dissatisfied so I have a chance to turn them around. Customers are accustomed to getting the runaround when something goes wrong. When we thank them for complaining, they are disarmed and impressed. Our goal is to make every customer a repeat customer. This policy helps accomplish that.”

  Great idea. Remember the story at the beginning of this chapter about the customer who hadn’t received the system she ordered online? Imagine the goodwill the employee could generate if instead of going on and on about why the brochure hadn’t been sent, he took the AAA Train and let the woman know how much he appre
ciated her reporting this oversight so he could correct it.

  Agree: “You’re right, Mrs. Hughes. You did request that item several weeks ago…

  Apologize: .. and I’m sorry you haven’t received it yet.

  Act: “If I could please have your name and contact info again, I’ll personally follow up later today to let you know its status.”

  Appreciate: “We appreciate you bringing this to our attention. We appreciate your business and thank you for taking the time to call.”

  My favorite quote about service comes from colleague Michael LeBouef, “There’s not a lot of traffic on the extra mile.” The employee’s extra effort could make the difference in whether Mrs. Hughes chooses to make a purchase. Taking the AAAA Train would exceed the customer’s expectations and create a sense of trust: “You can count on us to keep our promises.”

  The White House Office of Consumer Affairs found that if you handle complaints well, people will feel more favorably about you than if nothing had gone wrong in the first place. From now on, when someone complains, don’t explain, use your brain. Take the AA, AAA, or AAAA Train, and it will be to your gain.

  Action Plan - End Complaints Instantly

  Imagine you’re a food server at a restaurant. In the middle of a busy evening, a guest calls you over to his table, points to his entree, and says, “I ordered the special because it was supposed to be fresh. This salmon tastes frozen to me. I think it’s been a long time since this fish has seen any water.” What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You can tell them what went wrong and why.

  “We were supposed to have fresh salmon tonight, but the fish market ran out, so we substituted fresh frozen.”