by Sam Horn
Sue said, “Before Tongue Fu!®, I would have been reluctant to press the point. I would have caved in, allowed him to postpone and ended up victimized once again. The workshop taught me to be comfortable with a verbal vacuum. Instead of rushing to fill the silence, I can now sit with it. As a result, I don’t let people off the hook and allow them to take advantage of my easygoing nature.”
Get Comfortable Sitting In Silence
“Diplomacy is more than saying or doing the right things at the right time, it is avoiding saying or doing the wrong things at any time.” Bo Bennett, American Businessman
Being comfortable with a long pause is especially important in negotiations.
Imagine, once again, you’re interviewing for a job and are asked your salary requirements. If you tentatively reply, “Sixty thousand?” with upward inflection, the interviewer will know you’re unsure of yourself and can be negotiated down. At that point, she may use silence on you and raise her eyebrows in a sign of disbelief as if to say, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Confronted with this reaction, you may retreat and add weakly, “But I’ll take fifty thousand because I really want to work here.” Or you may hasten to justify that figure with “That’s what I was making before.” Your eagerness will be seen as an indication you’re ready and willing to accept less.
If, instead, you state “Sixty thousand” in a sure voice, ending your sentence with downward inflection, your figure will be perceived as firm. If the interviewer tests you by not saying anything, sit in the silence. Sophisticated interviewers know the ability to maintain your poise under pressure indicates strength of character and a maturity that will make you an asset to their organization.
I believe Tongue Glue is one of the most important Tongue Fu!® skills. Remember Confucius’ wise words. You can be a true friend to yourself by learning how to stay silent in situations where speaking would hurt, not help.
Action Plan To Keep From Saying Something You Regret With Tongue Glue
You are part of a community association that is raising money for a swimming pool. You’re attending the monthly meeting, and board members are griping because the committee chair hasn’t taken any action. The discussion of the chair’s lack of performance turns personal, and several attendees bring up rumors they’ve heard through the grapevine about a pending divorce. You’re asked your opinion. What do you do?
Words to Lose
You speak before considering whether what you’re going to say will hurt.
“I think he’s dropping the ball on this project. We’re way behind.”
You join in on the gossip and contribute your negative experiences.
“I heard his wife moved out of their house, and took the three kids and the dog.”
You put in your two cents worth, speaking ill of him in a way that could come back to haunt you.
“He’s untrustworthy. What she saw in him, I’ll never know.”
Words to Use
You think before you speak so you don’t say something you’ll regret.
“Will it help if I chip in with my opinion?”
You act with integrity and choose not to bad-mouth.
“I’m going to keep quiet. I don't have any firsthand knowledge as to why he hasn't made progress on this.”
You redirect the conversation to a more constructive topic, and refocus the group’s attention on other agenda items.
“We have only half an hour left. Let’s move on to next point.”
CHAPTER 8: WHAT TO SAY - WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
“I say what I want to say and do what I want to do. There’s no in between. People will either love you for it or hate you for it.” - Eminem
Not all of us have the clarity or confidence Eminem seems to have. Many of us experience “brain freeze” or “lock-jaw” when caught off guard. Would you like to know what to say when someone pulls the verbal rug out from beneath you?
First, it’s important to know what not to say if you’re floored by someone’s out-of-the-blue remark.
Don’t defend or deny. Don’t try to defend yourself with “That’s not true,” and don’t deny with “I don’t agree with that!”
Why? If someone hits you with an unexpected verbal blow and you lash back with an indignant denial, you’ve bought into the broadside.
Want an example? If someone says, “Why are you always on the defensive?” and you reply, “I am not on the defensive!” … now you are!
If someone says, “You women are so emotional” and you take offense with, “We are not emotional!” …. you have just unintentionally proven their point.
Stop Using the Word “Stop”
“There’s one sure way to make someone worry. Tell them not to.” – TV anchor Joe Moore
A participant in one of my workshops objected, “This doesn’t make sense. How can saying something isn’t true prove it? Why is it wrong to deny a negative accusation?”
Great question! Understand that the mind is literal. It doesn’t conjure up the opposite of what is said or read; it pictures it. If you tell yourself to not to cry or to stop procrastinating; what are you really focusing on? The very thing you’re trying to avoid!
Imagine someone makes an unflattering or inaccurate accusation. If you object with “That’s not true,” you’re actually reinforcing what they said because you’re using the word “true.”
Remember this. The words “stop” and “not” (and their cousins “don’t” and “can’t”) are ghosts. Anytime you use them in a sentence, you are actually focusing attention on the very belief or behavior you are trying to replace or disprove.
A simple exercise demonstrates this:
Please do not picture a tall fountain glass filled with a mouth-watering hot fudge sundae. Do not picture the melted chocolate rolling down the sides of the rich vanilla ice cream. Stop your mind from thinking about the stack of frothy white whipped cream topped with a bright red cherry. Don’t imagine dipping your long spoon into that yummy dessert and bringing it up to your eagerly awaiting mouth, tasting the creamy goodness with the tip of your tongue.
Can you not do it? Your mind focuses on the word visuals and doesn’t register the directives not, stop, and don’t. That is why champion athletes visualize what they want (“Get this first serve in”) instead of what they don’t want (“Don’t double fault”). That is why professional coaches say, “Swing slow and steady,” instead of “Stop swinging so fast.” That is why musicians tell themselves to play softly rather than “not so loud.”
From now on, if someone tries to attach a negative behavior to you, “Now don’t get mad,” don’t buy into it by saying, “I am not mad.” Don’t even say, “What makes you think I’m mad?”
Avoid using their negative characterization and respond with a behavior you want to be associated with such as “It’s true I have strong feelings about this issue because it’s important.”
If someone tells you to stop being a wimp and you answer, “I am not a wimp,” you are arguing their point. Instead, you might want to say something like, “Better smart than sorry” or “It’s in our best interests to be cautious because a lot is at stake here.”
This important concept applies to all communication. What do you think will happen if you warn rowdy children to “stop fighting”? What will happen if you try to compose yourself by saying, “I am not going to get nervous?” What will happen if you tell employees to “stop coming in late?”
From this day forward, phrase communication to yourself and others positively: “The two of you need to treat each other with respect.” “I am grateful for this opportunity to talk about something I care about.” “Starting Monday, you need to be on time. When I say on time, I don’t mean on the property getting a cup of coffee, I mean at your desk ready to take phone calls at 9 am sharp.”
Why And When It’s Smart To Answer A Question With A Question
“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether
a man is wise by his questions.” - Naguib Mahfouz, 1988 Nobel Prize Winner for Literature
How do you respond if someone takes the words right out of your mind? What do you say – when your mind goes blank? Put the conversational ball right back in their court with the four-word phrase, “What do you mean?” The beauty of that question is that it works on several levels. Asking “What do you mean?” …
• Gives you something to say instead of being tongue-tied
• Prevents you from reacting to an unfavorable accusation and reinforcing it
• Reveals the underlying issue so you can address what’s really going on.
• Helps you compose yourself and collect your thoughts so you can give an intelligent rather than an immature response.
It’s said envy is almost always based on a complete misunderstanding of the other person’s situation. So is anger. A participant showcased this when she told us about the following situation.
“I was promoted from the ranks six months ago. I’m now supervising my former peers. It’s a delicate situation, to put it mildly. One of my favorite employees walked into my office just before quitting time on Friday, closed the door, sat down, and told me, ‘You’re doing a terrible job as a supervisor.’
I was flabbergasted. I pride myself on my people skills. I was angry at first and was about to defend myself with, ’Hey, I’m putting in 60 hours a week. I’m doing the best I can,’ but realized that would just come across as rationalization. Instead, I asked, ‘What do you mean?’
“He said, ‘Nobody knows what’s going on anymore. Why aren’t we having staff meetings?’
Aaahhh. I realized he wasn’t really attacking me, he was upset about the lack of communication. I said, ’We haven’t been having our weekly staff meetings because we’ve been so busy. You’re right though, we need them to stay updated. We’ll reinstate them starting Monday. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.’”
Why Be Ignorant When We Can Be Informed?
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” Derek Bok, American Educator, Harvard
A friend called a while back to say thanks. “My six-year-old marched up to me and said, ‘I hate you. I wish you weren’t my mom.’ I was so hurt. My first thought was ‘You ungrateful child. How can you say that to me after all I’ve done for you?’ I realized that wouldn’t help and remembered your suggestion to answer accusations with a question. So I asked, ‘Why do you feel that way?’
He sobbed, ‘All my friends get to stay overnight at the slumber party, and I have to come home. It’s not fair.’ Now I knew why he was upset. I was able to clarify that the reason he couldn’t sleep over was we were leaving at 6am the next morning for his hockey game. Once he understood that, staying overnight became a non-issue. Asking ‘Why do you feel that way?’ kept me from over-reacting to his hurtful comment.”
What we can learn from these scenarios is that, when people are upset they tend to over-state their emotions and make sweeping accusations. When slurs are directed at us, it can seem like a lot of work to ask a question to find out what’s really going on. It can be tempting to “bite back.” After all, as my 20-something niece Christina says, “It takes much less time to say ‘You suck,’ than it does to say, ‘It hurts my feelings when you show up late to our date and act like it’s no big deal. What happened?’”
Our commitment to proactive communication comes with the understanding it can take more words, up front, to use Tongue Fu! than to fire back a retort that cuts people off at the verbal knees.
Want good news? A conscious choice to use Tongue Fu! is a front-loaded commitment that pays off, time and again. When you invest the effort to respond with a question instead of a counter-accusation; you prevent costly, time-consuming mistakes and misunderstandings. Reacting to the accusations of “I hate you” or “You’re a horrible supervisor” with defenses or denials would have made things worse. It would have made those situations harder to resolve, if they ever got resolved at all.
When someone makes an overgeneralization we can often detect it by our eagerness to find the exception to their rule. “You’re a horrible boyfriend” provokes, “I bought you flowers last week!” “You never let me do what I want to do” results in, “You chose dinner last night.” The next time you feel that instinct coming on to refute what someone just said, choose instead to turn it into curiosity with, “What do you mean?” or “What makes you say that?” or “What lead you to this conclusion?”
Why It’s Wise To Seek The Source vs. React To The Surface
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
Instead of getting upset about a troublesome situation; it’s better to uncover what’s causing it.
A friend told me this (probably apocryphal) anecdote about a schoolteacher who walked into her classroom after a rainy weekend and discovered a puddle of water in the middle of the floor.
He called the janitor and told him what was wrong. He came and mopped up the puddle. The next morning the scenario was repeated.
When the teacher walked in the following morning to find yet another puddle, she didn’t call the regular janitor; she called the head custodian. She said, “This is the third day in a row this has happened. Could you please come and take care of it?”
When the head custodian showed up, he didn’t even have a mop. The teacher asked with a puzzled look, “How are you going to mop up the puddle?”
He looked at her and said, “I’m not. I’m going to fix the leak.”
Too often when someone says or does something unfair or unkind, we “mop up the puddle.” We react to what’s happening on the surface instead of seeking the source of the problem and fixing that.
Read Their Mind
Listening means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us. You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.” – Alice. D. Miller
Several years ago, I attended a wedding rehearsal. In the middle of the practice procession down the aisle, the five-year-old flower girl threw a tantrum and refused to continue. The mother took her daughter outside in an effort to calm her down and get her to behave.
They reentered the church a few minutes later only to have the child act up again. The embarrassed mother alternated between pleading for cooperation and issuing dire threats. Neither approach worked and the child continued to disrupt the rehearsal.
The bride and groom were running out of patience when the girl’s grandmother, who had watched the whole thing from the back of the church, asked kindly, “Lisa, did you have a nap today?”
The little girl shook her head. Aaahhh! The real reason for her misbehavior. The older woman knew the over-stimulated child needed sleep, not scolding. She gathered her granddaughter into her arms, took her to a pew in the back of the church, and sang her a soothing lullaby. The girl was asleep within minutes.
I felt fortunate to witness the grandmother’s wise handling of a tense situation. The mother was reacting to the behavior, frantically mopping up the puddle only to have it reappear. By “mind-reading” and listening to “between the lines” of the little girl’s behavior, the grandmother figured out what was really going on and dealt with it. It was a perfect example of someone who fixed the leak instead of focusing on the puddle.
What does this mean for you? If someone is misbehaving, you have a choice. You can complain or you can ask questions. You can often clarify the cause of the problem by putting the conversational ball back in their verbal court. “Why do you feel that way?” and “What’s really going on?” are diplomatic ways to identify the source of undesirable behavior, which can then be addressed.
Action Plan For What To Say When You Don’t Know What To Say
Imagine you’ve had a hard day at work. All you can think about is coming home, kicking your shoes off, and relaxing in peace and quiet. As soon as you walk in the r
oom, you can tell your spouse is upset. Over dinner you ask what’s wrong and she blurts out, “We never do anything fun anymore.” This is the last thing you want to hear tonight, and you don’t know what to say.
Words to Lose
You give an emotional denial (which may set up a “Yes, we do/No, we don’t” argument).
“We went to the county fair last weekend.”
You answer out of ignorance and respond immaturely.
“We go out more than most couples.”
You try to prove her wrong and engage in verbal warfare.
“Didn't I take you out to dinner and go to that movie you wanted to see?"
You can react to what’s happening on the surface and miss the point.
“Listen, I work fifty hours a week. I don’t have the energy to go out and do stuff."
Words to Use
You find out what’s really going on.
“What do you mean?”
You take the intelligent option and seek information.
“Why do you say that, hon?”
You avoid a word war by not defending yourself.
“What tells you that?"
You can seek the source of the outburst and fix the leak.
“So Barb and Bill are taking line dancing lessons, and...”