Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  “The facilitator welcomed us, asked for introductions to set a friendly precedent, clarified the ground rules and agenda, and then kept the discussion moving forward instead of letting it bog down in personalities. The whole thing was over in two hours, instead of the five it took last year. If anyone started getting out of line, the mediator would simply point to the posted ground rules and enforce them. He kept our focus on resolving the issues rather letting individuals turn it into a battleground. That one meeting reversed the negative spiral started by last year’s debacle and reestablished an amicable esprit de corps in our building.”

  We will all be in challenging meetings. The good news is, these rules can help us overcome those challenges and move people to addressing and resolving issues instead of exacerbating them.

  Action Plan To Establish Rules For Unruly Situations

  You are chairing a PTA meeting that you know in advance will be volatile because the school has announced it’s canceling graduation ceremonies due to lack of funds. How do you manage the meeting?

  Words To Lose

  You begin by introducing the principal, who explains the decision.

  “I want to bring Mr. Sato up so he can tell you why the graduation program has been canceled.”

  The principal is rudely interrupted and shouted down by an angry parent.

  “You're out of line. Sit down and wait your turn like everybody else.”

  Several parents start talking among themselves and you suffer in silence.

  “These people are so rude. They should give the poor guy a chance.”

  Words To Use

  You open the meeting by welcoming people and establishing ground rules.

  “We’re glad you're here tonight. Let’s agree to some ground rules so we can discuss this important issue fairly.”

  You refer to the ground rules and hold the participant accountable for courtesy.

  “Sir, you’ll have a chance to contribute, and first, let’s let Mr. Sato finish.”

  You put your hand up and ask the speaker to wait until everyone is quiet.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Sato. Let’s wait until we have everyone's attention...”

  CHAPTER 18: WHAT IF SOMEONE IS ANGRY AND TAKING IT OUT ON YOU?

  “It’s rare to find a consistently insightful person who is also angry. They can’t occupy the same space. If anger moves in, generosity and creativity move out.” –Seth Godin, author of Tribes

  Would you like to know what to do if someone’s angry – and is taking it out on you?

  Once, while presenting a Tongue Fu!® workshop to the Honolulu police department, a savvy officer told us his secret for calming people down who have been in minor accidents. He said when he arrives on scene, the people involved are almost always angry at each other. They often have different versions of what happened and want to get their side heard first. Emotions are high and tempers are short.

  The officer said, “I've found the best thing I can do when people are highly agitated is to … take notes.”

  Take notes? Really?

  “Yes. First, I separate them. Sir, you stand here. Ma’am, you stand there. Then, I pull out my notepad and say: ‘Each of you will get your turn. Now, ma’am (or sir), start at the beginning and tell me what happened.’”

  Move People From Ranting To Reporting

  “I rant, therefore I am.” - Dennis Miller, American TV Host

  The officer continued, “Nothing positive can be accomplished when people are screaming at each other. Those words, ‘Tell me what happened’ move them from ranting to reporting. They have to think back and describe what happened from the beginning. This moves them from an emotional frame of mind to a more objective frame of mind. They’ve got to slow down and reconstruct the chain of events. When they slow down, they calm down.

  “Taking notes serves another purpose. People who are upset often just say the same thing over and over. If that happens, I say, ‘I’ve got that right here . . . and then what happened?’ It keeps them from rehashing things ad infinitum.

  If the other person interrupts, 'Hey, that’s not how it happened,' I put my hand up and say, 'Sir, you’ll get your turn' and keep writing down the first person’s report. After logging both accounts, I read them back so each individual knows their account of what happened is in writing. You know what people often do when I read back their report? They go ‘YEAH.’ It’s satisfying to know their version of events has been heard accurately for the record.”

  Don’t Put Up With Put-Downs

  “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” – Wayne Dyer

  A woman in one of my workshops said her divorce attorney recommended she take notes whenever her former partner started in on one of his tirades. “My ex-husband was verbally abusive. I always walked on eggshells because I never knew what was going to set him off. If I tried to speak up for myself, he would get louder and more aggressive until I gave in and went along with what he wanted.

  “I didn’t want to resort to yelling back, but I didn’t know how to stop him from taking his anger out on me. My lawyer suggested I carry pen and paper with me and write down what he was saying. If he started in on me, I’d just get my pen out and write it down. When he demanded, ‘What the %#$@ do you think you’re doing?’ I calmly replied, ‘I’m writing down what you’re saying.’

  ‘Why the %$#@ are you doing that?’

  ‘Why do you think?’ I answered, and that was that. My ex realized these transcripts of his outbursts could be used as evidence against him in court, so it was in his best interest to shut it down.”

  These days, you can do the same thing by getting out your smart-phone and recording someone’s tirade on your voice memo. Interrupt the person’s tirade and say firmly enough so they can hear you, “This is being recorded.” No need to call them names or make threats. Taking notes or recording an obscenity-laced tirade lets tyrants know there’s a record of their verbal abuse. They’re now aware what they’re saying could be used against them in a court of law, which motivates them to clean it up or cease and desist.

  Let Verbal Abusers Know They Won’t Get A Free Pass

  “If you feel like you’re a second-class citizen, you are.” – Ted Turner

  I had a chance to use this technique at an airport. I had pulled over and engaged my emergency blinkers to indicate I was loading the van when a security officer walked over, banged on my windshield with her fist, and yelled, “Move this %$#@ car away from the curb. You can’t stop here.”

  I was about to explain that my friend was about to come out with several large suitcases when she rolled her eyes in exasperation and said disgustedly, “Stupid! Can’t you read signs?”

  Now, I know her patience was stretched to the limit by people ignoring the rules, and there was no excuse for her to use that kind of language or to treat me like a second-class citizen. At first I was shocked. Then, I reached over to my purse, got out a pen and piece of paper, and said politely yet pointedly, “Excuse me, what did you say?”

  Our eyes met. She realized she didn’t want this reported to her supervisor and she had clearly been in the wrong. Her expression changed. She said, “Please clear the lane as soon as you’re loaded up,” and briskly walked away.

  Is someone treating you like a second-class citizen? Hold him or her accountable. Take notes, take their name or record what they’re saying. Whatever you do, interrupt ranters and let them know it’s in their best interests to put a sock in it … or their inappropriate behavior will be reported to the authorities.

  Document Inappropriate Behavior With The “W’s” So You Have Objective Proof

  “Action is the antidote to despair.” - Joan Baez, American Folk Singer

  A variation on Joan Baez’s quote might be, documentation is the antidote to disrespect.

  A personnel manager at one of my workshops confirmed the importance of logging illegal or inappropriate behavior. She said, “If an employee complains to me about someone, it’s
difficult for me to pursue it unless they’ve documented the exact date, time, and nature of the offending behavior. Otherwise, it’s just ‘he-said, she-said.’"

  If you work with someone who is verbally abusing you or others, it’s not enough to just report it your supervisor. That’s too vague and subjective, because it’s your word against theirs. Substantiate your claims by addressing all the W’s – Who, What, Where and When.

  WHAT was said? Write down, word for word, exactly what the other person said, and what you said in return so your manager has tangible evidence to investigate. Whoever has a detailed accounting of the actual dialogue is more likely to be believed because this has more teeth than “She insulted me.”

  WHERE did this take place? In your cubicle? In front of customers at checkout? In the bathroom?

  WHEN did this take place? Yesterday at 1:30 pm in the cafeteria? On the phone at 9 am?

  WHO was involved? You, this person … and who else witnessed this?

  A teacher in the same session agreed. “I used to call parents at home when their child misbehaved. Before I was halfway through what I wanted to say, they would often interrupt me to defend their child and get angry with me for picking on their kid. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some version of, 'That’s not what Johnny told me' or 'That’s not how Susie said it happened.'

  "Now, if one of my students acts up, I email exactly what happened, complete with the W’s – Who, Where, When and What was Said - directly to the parents. Sending an objective report of what took place prevents them from accusing me of being unfair and they’re more likely to focus on the facts instead of looking for a fight with me.”

  Action Plan - What If Someone Is Angry And Taking It Out On You?

  You’re fixing your morning coffee when you hear a crunch. You look out your kitchen window and see your neighbor has backed out of their spot and run into a passing car. Neither is hurt but their fenders are crumpled and they are yelling at each other. You walk out to see if you can help and see that their shouting match is about to come to blows. How do you handle this situation?

  Words To Lose

  You try to calm them down by appealing to their reason.

  “Hey, you two, cut this out. Yelling at each other is only going to make things worse.”

  They continue blaming and cursing at each other.

  “Would the two of you shut the %$#@ up! Swearing is going to make things worse.”

  Your neighbors keep saying the same thing over and over, getting louder with each repetition.

  “Carl, that’s the tenth time you said it was Dan’s fault.”

  Words To Use

  You stop their ranting and raving by taking out your smart phone to record what’s being said.

  “Each of you will get your turn. Now, Carl, start at the beginning and tell me ...”

  You let them know there will be a record of their remarks.

  “What was that you said again? I want to make sure I have it down right.”

  You say, to keep them from ranting and raving and repeating the same information again and again,

  “Okay, I’ve got that right here . . . and then what happened?”

  CHAPTER 19:DON’T FIGHT FOR CONTROL; SHARE CONTROL

  “You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.”- Dr. Wayne Dyer, American Psychologist and Author

  Did you know most conflicts are a battle for control? Would you like to know ways to transcend struggles for control? If so, you’re in the right place because that’s what we address in this chapter.

  A wise taxi driver was the first to introduce me to the concept of sharing rather than taking control. I was late wrapping up a workshop and needed to rush to the airport to catch my plane. I hailed a cab and quickly explained my plight. The cabby had obviously been around the block a few times and knew better than to set himself up for failure. He turned to me and asked respectfully, “We can take the freeway or the side streets. Which do you prefer?”

  I deferred to him. “Whichever is fastest, please.”

  He shook his head politely and said, “You choose." I picked one and we started on our way. I wondered why he’d wanted me to make the decision, so I asked him about it.

  He explained: “I’ve learned that when people are in a hurry, it’s a mistake for me to pick the route. If we get tied up in traffic and my passenger is late, they think it’s my fault. If the passenger chooses how to get there and for some reason we don’t make it on time, they take the responsibility rather than blaming me.”

  Pose Options And Let Them Pick

  “Whether or not we support a solution depends a lot on whether it’s being done to us, or by us ” - Tongue Fu’ism

  From this day forward, if you’re facing a tough decision involving others, don’t unilaterally arrive at the action to be taken and present it as a fait accompli. If you do, even if it’s the only option, the people affected will resist. Why? Because it’s being done to them and not by them.

  Instead, think of two equally acceptable alternatives, present both to the group, and let them choose. The people involved will be a lot happier with the decision because they made it.

  Remember this technique if you deal with the public in your job. Instead of telling customers what to do, give them two options and ask which they’d prefer. Instead of saying, “We don’t have an appointment available until next Monday at one,” say, “We can schedule your visit Monday at one or Tuesday at ten. Which works best for you?”

  Instead of “We’ll have to refund your money because the concert has been canceled,” ask, “Would you like a refund, or would you prefer credit toward our fall concert series?”

  Giving people the opportunity to make a choice gives them more control over their experience and will dramatically increase their satisfaction with the interaction.

  Make Others Part Of The Process

  “Many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.” - Aristotle

  I think many a collaboration is lost for lack of giving people a chance to contribute.

  A seminar group was discussing this issue of control. One man seemed particularly fascinated with the insight that even when you’re acting in the best interests of the group, they may not appreciate your leadership if they’re not being given an opportunity to take part in the decisions being made that affect them. They’ll probably drag their feet because they’re being left out of the decision-making process.

  He said, “I wish I had known this last year. My oldest son was going away to college in the fall. I realized if we were ever going to take that driving vacation we had always talked about, it was going to have to be that summer. I rented a Winnebago and spent hours studying all the possible routes across America, designing our itinerary, and making reservations at motor-home campgrounds.

  “The big day finally came. We picked up our motor home in Los Angeles and started driving. We hadn’t gone ten miles when my youngest daughter asked, ‘So, Dad, when are we getting to Disneyland?’ I explained we weren’t going to Disneyland. ‘It’s so crowded in July and the lines are so long. We’ll go another time when we can go off-season.’

  “She couldn’t believe it. ‘We’re half an hour away from Disneyland, and we’re not going?’ I explained that we had to get to the Grand Canyon in two days, so we had a lot of driving to get under our belts. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t very happy and grumbled about it for the rest of the day.”

  He continued: “Have any of you ever driven east out of Los Angeles? All you can see from horizon to horizon is hot, dry desert with heat waves shimmering up from the melting asphalt. We couldn’t wait to get to our campground so we could cool off and play in their swimming pool. We arrived after twelve hours of driving, hooked up the electricity, and walked over to the pool with great anticipation . . . only to discover it had a long crack on the bottom and was bone dry. Argghh!

  “We finally got to the Grand Canyon the next day and couldn
’t find anywhere to park our large RV. I drove around and around and finally gave up and left the darn thing on the side of the road. At that point, I didn’t care if it got towed. They could have it!

  “We walked over to the side of the canyon. My youngest daughter took one look at the Big Ditch and turned to me, wailing, ‘We missed Disneyland for this?’ ”

  Are We Having Fun Yet?

  “There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld

  The father continued with his vacation vignette: “It went downhill from there. The next morning, all I heard were complaints from the backseat. ‘Are we there yet?’ ‘How much longer?’

  "I felt unappreciated and resentful. Didn’t they know I had spent hours planning our vacation? Didn’t they realize I took three weeks off work so we could have fun together? I finally grabbed my map, (this was before GPS days) ripped it in half, threw it in the air, and said, ‘I give up. You plan the vacation.’

  “And that’s what we did. We divvied up the days. My daughter had a day, my son had a day, my wife had a day, and I had a day. On your day, you could do anything you wanted as long as we got to our destination by seven P.M. and kept within the agreed spending limit. If it was your day and you wanted to sleep in, everyone slept in. If we were driving along and you wanted to see a live snake show, we stopped and saw the live snake show.

  “You know what? We had the best time together as a family we’d ever had. I realized why they weren’t enjoying their vacation. It wasn’t their vacation. It was my vacation.”