by Sam Horn
If you’re faced with a tough decision that is tearing you in half, visualize an old-fashioned scale. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s like the scale of justice with a plate on one side and another plate on the other side. Picture your needs on one side – and the other person (or all other people) on the other.
Identify the different needs being met in this particular situation. If you always say yes to someone and do what they want and go along with what they need; the scale would be weighted on their side. It would be fair in this situation, (if they’re asking you to do something), to say no to get the scales back in balance. Turning down their request is not selfish (no matter how much they try to tell you it is); it’s smart.
If you put yourself first most the time and don’t usually do favors or think of others, then if someone you care about is asking you for time or help; it may be appropriate to honor their request.
Am I Being Selfish Or Selfless?
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live – it is always asking others to live as one wishes to live.” – Oscar Wilde
Suppose a friend is pleading with you to go to a business mixer with her, and you feel pulled in two directions. Take a few minutes to mentally fill out the scale to arrive at an answer you can live with.
Imagine you go to a lot of events with this friend. She is looking for a new job and wants to meet decision-makers in her industry. She’s always dragging you to networking events because she hates to go alone. You don’t enjoy these functions because you don’t have anything in common with the people there and your friend often abandons you if she gets into a discussion with a potential employer.
On the other hand (on the other plate?), you’ve been friends since high school. Your heart goes out to her because she’s really unhappy in her current company. You want to support her, but not at the cost of another weeknight you’d rather be home.
When you mentally fill out the scale, you realize you’ve been attending to her interests to the exclusion of yours. In that case, it’s appropriate to say no you don’t want to go to this networking event with her. If you’d been ignoring her needs and wishes, it’d be a different matter. And of course, there’s always a third option; tell her you’ll be glad to go with a couple conditions. #1, she includes you in her conversations and #2, you make it a short night and be home by 9 pm so you’re not exhausted the next day.
What If I Can’t Say No?
“Do you have no power or ‘No’ power?” – Sonya Friedman
A man named Glenn spoke up in one of my workshops and said he agreed with this concept in theory but had a hard time practicing it in real life. “I’ve always been like that character in the musical Oklahoma who sings, ‘I can’t say no.’ You’ve heard the advice about giving assignments to the busiest people because you know the jobs will get done? That’s me. I’m involved in so many organizations, I can hardly keep track. I’m running on empty, but every time I pledge to cut back, someone begs me to head up another project.”
The class adopted Glenn’s situation as a class project. One attendee asked about his different obligations, (everything from PTA to Rotary to his church) while another jotted them down on the visual scale we had posted in front of the room. Glenn obviously was serving many community groups. How about his own needs? How was his health? How were his relationships with his family? Did he have any time left for any personal hobbies? Was he spending time the way he really wanted, or was his life spinning out of control?
Glenn said the long list of community commitments on one side of the scale as compared with the paltry list of personal activities on the other side settled this issue for him once and for all. He said, “When I tried to work this out in my mind, I just got confused. Thinking it through muddled it even more; putting it on paper clarified it. From now on, I’m going to use the scale so I can make informed decisions instead of just caving under the pressure of the moment and paying for it afterward.”
Four Steps To Say No Without Losing Your Job, Friends, Or Family
“I just want to make sure I have a sense of balance between work and life, because work is my life and the lines can get really blurry.” - Drew Barrymore, American Actress
Glenn went on, “Now my dilemma is how to cut back without alienating these people who have come to count on me.” Good point. How can you turn down requests without jeopardizing personal or professional relationships? It can get blurry trying to figure out whose needs to meet. You can say no - clearly, confidently and without guilt - by using the following four steps.
1) Say, “I’d like to have some time to think about it.” If you have a history of collapsing under pressure only to later lament, “What did I get myself into?” then vow you will never again spontaneously agree to any commitment that requires more than an hour of time. Negotiators know people make concessions they wouldn’t ordinarily consent to when pressed to give an immediate answer. Don’t let yourself be caught off guard by begging or pleading. Give yourself time to think this through in private so you can clear-headedly evaluate the needs being met. Promise, “I’ll get back to you tomorrow (or next week) with my answer.”
Note that I am not advocating avoidance. I am acknowledging that in the real world, becoming more assertive does not happen overnight. It’s unrealistic to believe we can instantly change the habit of saying yes if that’s what we’ve been doing for years. This first step can give you time to visualize your scale of needs so you think things through and only agree to obligations that are mutually rewarding.
2) Say no and yes. Turn down this particular request and suggest an alternative that’s more on your terms. If Glenn was asked to run (again!) for President of his local Rotary Club, he could beg off that particular labor-intensive position and offer to contribute in another way. Perhaps he could write a column for the club’s newsletter, a task he could do at home in his spare time that wouldn’t require coordinating with other board members. Or, he could offer to pass along his lessons-learned to the new President over a lunch.
3) Say “no” and solve the problem through other means. Let them know you’re not available and recommend someone who would do a good job. You can offer your expertise and help produce the desired results, even if you’re not personally involved in the event itself.
4) Say no graciously, firmly, and without guilt. If you’ve been giving, giving, giving; you have the right to just say no without feeling bad about it. “I’m flattered by your offer, and I’ve promised to leave my evenings and weekends free for my family this year.”
If whoever is making the request doesn’t want to take no for an answer; use Words to Use to keep the conversation constructive. Say, “I know you need volunteers to help run the organization, and I want to honor the commitment I’ve made to my wife.” This gracious response acknowledges their feelings while honoring your needs. Turning people down with Words to Lose—“There’s no way I can take this on. You need to understand how overloaded I’ve been these last few years”—would only cause estrangement.
Kindness Does Not Mean Being Weak
“Being humble doesn't mean one has to be a mat.” — Maya Angelou, American Novelist and Poet
Being kind doesn’t mean always going along to get along. Ann and her next-door neighbor were stay-at-home moms. They had shared playgroups, carpooling, and chauffeuring for several years. Then Ann’s friend Jackie got a part-time job from nine to two, which she thought would be perfect because it meant she would be home by the time her three kids returned from school.
At least that was the way it was supposed to work in theory. The first week on the job, Jackie called Ann to explain her boss had asked her to work late. Would Ann please watch her children until she got home? Sure, Ann was glad to help.
Another emergency delayed Jackie the subsequent week, and the next, and before Ann knew it, she was taking care of Jackie’s kids almost every afternoon. Ann resented Jackie for taking advantage of her generosity and for assuming she would alw
ays be available for free. Even though Jackie was grateful, it didn’t match the amount of time and energy Ann was pouring into being their caretaker.
Ann discussed her dilemma with me. She didn’t want to play nanny any more, but she didn’t want to lose her long-time friend. I suggested she visualize the scale of needs to see how out of balance they were. She had been bending over backward to meet Jackie’s needs while hers and those of her own kids were being disregarded. It wasn’t selfish of her to speak up about the situation, it was fair.
Ann decided to speak up for herself and solve Jackie’s situation at the same time. She asked a teenager in the neighborhood if she might be interested in watching Jackie’s children. The high schooler was delighted at the prospect of earning some spending money.
The next time Jackie picked up her kids, Ann asked her to come into the kitchen for a moment. They sat down and Ann explained, “I’m glad I could help you out the last few months, and I need to have my afternoons free from now on so I can run errands and spend time with my kids. I’ve talked with Maya, who lives down the street. She’s lovely and she’s available to watch your kids anytime you’re running late. And she is willing to work cheap because she welcomes a little extra cash.”
Remember, if you’re feeling pressured about a situation, picture the scale of needs. It can often give you clarity that you’re putting other people’s needs before your own. That can be okay, temporarily, when a friend or relative is in a time of need … but it’s not a prescription for a healthy relationship over the long haul.
Reframe The Way You Perceive The Word No
“Every time you say 'no' to a request for time, money, energy, or support, you are saying 'yes’ to something else.” - Maggie Bedrosian
At this point, someone in the audience always asks, “What if I reject a request and the person gets mad at me?” My long-time friend Maggie Bedrosian suggests we can become more comfortable “giving regrets” if we understand that behind every no is a yes. She wisely points out that, “When we turn away from one thing, we turn toward something else.”
Some of us frantically try to be everything to everyone and end up being nothing to the people we care most about. What’s really important to you? Your time and energy are limited resources. Don’t squander them on lesser priorities. Identify your resounding raison d’être so you can say “Sorry” to activities that would rob you of precious time with who and what really matters.
One woman thanked me for teaching her this technique because it had helped her be more assertive with her demanding mother. Rhoda laughed and said, “You’ve heard the saying ‘My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips?’ That’s my mom. She calls several times a day asking for something. She used to run me ragged because I was afraid to say no to her. Last week she called and asked me to drive her to the mall. I didn’t have time that afternoon, and offered to take her on Saturday when we go together with my daughters. That wasn’t good enough for her, and she started in on her poor-me routine.
“Visualizing the scale helped me see how much I’ve catered to my mother’s needs over the years. I love my mom, but in this situation it was fair for me to tell her I couldn’t do it. I explained my other commitments, and offered to go with her on the weekend or to call a senior citizens van if it was important she go that day. She went into her ‘No one cares about me routine,’ but I didn’t cave, didn’t rescue her, and didn’t feel guilty because the scale helped me see I was justified in thinking of what I wanted, not just what she wanted.”
Know What You Stand For – And What You Won’t Stand for
“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” - Ann Landers
What do you stand for? The first-century Jewish teacher Hillel the Elder asked, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when?”
Those timeless words eloquently express the importance of serving ourselves while serving others. It’s not an either-or situation; it’s both. If you don’t learn how and when to say no, you’ll pay the steep price of self-sacrifice. Stand for a fair balance in the needs being met and you won’t take a fall when pushed to say yes.
Action Plan – How And When To Say No
Your company prides itself on being one of the biggest contributors to a local charity. They are targeting 100 percent involvement this year, and your division leader is pressuring everyone in your office to commit to a large donation. You respect their efforts, however you already give a substantial portion of your salary to another nonprofit organization. How do you respond when the leader asks you for money?
Words To Lose
You find yourself coerced by the pleas of the campaign leader.
“How can I say no? I’ll be the only one in the office who doesn’t give anything.”
Your fear of being ostracized rules your thinking. You’re reluctant to break ranks.
“What will my coworkers say? They’ll think I’m cheap.”
The campaign chair doesn’t want to take no for an answer.
“He’s making me feel like I’m a bad person for not donating. Maybe I should just give in and get it over with.”
Words To Use
You envision the scale of needs to see if it’s in balance.
“I understand the charity deserves to be supported, and I deserve the right to decide who I donate to.”
You conclude that it’s fair for you to respectfully say no.
“I hope your campaign is successful, and I have already committed to supporting another charity.”
You remind yourself that you are not being selfish, and think of your resounding raison d’être so you don’t cave in to pressure.
“I agree it’s important to support our local charities, and I already donate to the one of my choice.’’
CHAPTER 22: WHAT TO DO WITH NON-STOP TALKERS
“You know what we need? A 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We’re going to call it On and On Anon.” – comedian Paula Poundstone
Would you like to know what to do if someone is talking your ear off?
This dilemma is brought up in almost every Tongue Fu!® workshop. Everyone wants to learn, “How can I exit a conversation without appearing rude? What can I do if someone is monologuing and won’t stop?”
Popular UPI advice columnist Dear Abby featured this common complaint in one of her most popular columns. A reader complained that a needy friend called her a minimum of four times a week and rattled on for at least an hour each time. The reader said she made her living talking to the public eight hours a day and the last thing she wanted to do when she got home was talk on the phone. Despite hints that she needed to go, her friend continued to carry on. The reader didn’t want to hurt her friend’s feelings but it had gotten to the point where she hated to answer her own phone.
Abby suggested the woman say, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you now. I’ll call you later,” and then hang up. She noted that later could be tomorrow, next week, or next month. She also suggested the reader get an answering machine (this was before the days of Caller ID) and screen her calls.
Hmmm. Dear Abby’s advice may be one way to handle this prevalent problem. The word “problem” is used intentionally because there is definitely something wrong with people who yak, yak, yak and never ask or care if the people around them want to hear what they have to say.
I actually think Dear Abby’s advice is a tad bit disingenuous. I don’t believe it’s right to tell people we’re going to call them when we have no intention of doing so. That insincere response ignores the real issue, which is this woman is thinking only of herself and no one has the courage to bring it to her attention and hold her accountable for it.
Stop Nonstop Talkers
“”How I like to be liked, and what I do to be liked.” – author Charles Lamb
Think back to the scale of needs. If someone is carrying on and on and on, it’s not rude to interrupt. It’s right. These techniques can h
elp you tactfully terminate monologues so you are no longer at the mercy of people who like to hear themselves talk.
1. Check the scale of needs. In the case of Dear Abby’s reader, the needs were clearly out of balance and had been for a long time. It’s time to stop suffering in silence.
2. Don’t wait for her to stop talking. It may never happen.
3. Interrupt her, being sure to say her name. Yes, I said interrupt. Saying her name will cause pause. When people hear their name, they almost always stop talking for a second. That is your chance to get your verbal foot in the door. I know you’ve been taught it’s rude to interrupt, and normally that’s true. However, who is being rude in this situation? It is not insensitive to bring a one-sided conversation to a close. The person who has the audacity or arrogance to carry on about herself ad infinitum is the one being thoughtless.
4. Summarize what she has been saying. Paraphrasing what one has said lets her know you’ve been listening. It is the key to an inoffensive exit. Reflecting what she has said brings the conversation full-circle and gives it a sense of closure.
5. Put the conversation in the past with a wrap-up statement. If this is an over-long business interaction, say, “As soon as I hang up, I’m going to . . .” or “Right after we finish talking, I’ll be sure to . . .” Indicate the action you plan to take so they know the purpose of their call is being attended to. For personal conversations, close with Words to Use: “I wish I had more time to talk, and I need to get dinner started.” or “I wish I could hear about your son’s piano recital, and I’ve got to get back to…”