by Sam Horn
6. Close with finality and a friendly phrase. Pleasant phrases such as “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention” or “I look forward to seeing you at the football game” or “I’m glad to know you’re doing well” offset any brusqueness in your tone.
7. Make sure your voice ends with warm yet firm downward inflection. If you trail off tentatively or end with an “Okay?” you’ll throw the conversational ball right back in the other person’s lap.
If these Tactful Termination steps don’t work with that talkative friend; it’s time to be direct. Let her know, “Sally, from now on, I won’t be taking personal calls in the evenings. I’m worn out when I get home and just don’t have the time and energy to spend on the phone.”
What if she seems hurt, offended or tries to persist? Realize your reluctance to say no to her talk marathons may have to do with you wanting to be liked by everyone … no matter how they’re treating you.
At that point, you may choose to bring up the real, underlying issue, which is that her me-me-me monologues are endangering your friendship. Remember, instead of complaining about what you don’t like, ask for what you would like. “Sally, in the past, the majority of our conversation have focused on what’s going on with you. From now on, it would mean a lot to me if you showed more interest in what was going on in my life. I’d appreciate, and am going to initiate, a more equal conversation from now on.”
If she is open to a two-way, equitable conversation, great. If not, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
How To Deal With A Non-Stop Talker On The Phone
“The secret of making one’s self tiresome is not to know when to stop.” - Anonymous
Right at this point in one of my seminars, a college professor volunteered this positive response: “That idea is worth a million dollars to me.” I smiled and asked why.
“Some of my students are living away from home for the first time, and they’re feeling really isolated. As a gesture of support, I’ve given some of them my home phone number. Well, you know the rest of the story.
"It seems heartless to tell them to stop calling, but the trouble is, I’m burned out. I never have any time to recharge my batteries. Plus, my husband resents the fact that I’m on the phone half the night.
“I’ve been serving my students’ needs, but I haven’t done a very good job of serving mine. I created a policy. I let students know they are welcome to phone me at home if it’s something urgent. If they call, I’ll spend up to fifteen minutes with them; (during which time I assess whether it’s a real emergency and they’re at risk and I need to contact our college health center.) If it can wait until the next day, I tell them, ‘I’ll be in my office by 9 am. Please stop by and we can discuss this then.’ This way, I’m continuing to be the accessible professor I want to be – but not at the cost of my home life and my time with my husband.”
What Can We Do If We’re Cornered At A Social Event?
"Enough about me. What do you think of me?” – Bette Midler’s character in the movie Beaches
A woman in that same session said, “These steps for Tactful Termination may work in business and with friends; but how about social situations? I went to one of those speed-dating events last weekend and was backed into a corner by this incredibly narcissistic guy. His idea of a good time was talking about himself. There was no escaping him.”
If you have the misfortune to be collared or cornered by someone, remember the balance of needs. If someone is narcissistic enough to monopolize your time, it is wise, not rude, to make your exit. You can be gracious about it and say, “Craig, thanks for your tips about that new APP. You’re right, it sounds like something I might want to try. Bye,” and then walk away with a warm, but final, smile and a firm step.
If, for whatever reason, your gut instincts are waving red flags, make your escape. Your gut is rarely (if ever) wrong. If that little internal voice is telling you this person is bad news, do not stick around and do not let them intimidate you. Don’t worry about rude, just say, “Time for me to move on” and do so.
I shared this story about not passively allowing someone to take up your time during a presentation and a woman laughed out loud. “I could have used this idea last night. I keep meaning to put my phone number on the DO NOT CALL list, but haven’t done it yet. A telemarketer called right in the middle of my favorite TV show and kept me on the phone forever! I kept waiting for him to shut up, but he never took a breath! He made me miss the entire show.”
The rest of the group confessed they’d had similar experiences. I asked them, “Wait a minute. Who decided to answer the phone? Who controls how long we stay on the phone? Who ‘made’ us miss our favorite TV show?” If you don’t want to buy the telemarketer’s product or donate to this particular charity or vote for this political candidate, don’t wait until they finish their spiel. YOU control how you spend your time (and mind.) Interrupt with a polite “Thank you, I’m not interested,” and hang up. You’re saving the telemarketer time that won’t result in a deal, and you’re giving yourself more time with your true priorities.
How To Deal With Interruptions At Work
“Are you riding the horse, or is the horse riding you?” - Tongue Fu’ism
In another workshop, a receptionist named Lenora said: “Some employees and visitors expect me to drop whatever I’m doing whenever they want to chat. I don’t want to be unsociable, but I can’t sit there and listen to them yak. I’ve got work to do. How can I let people know I don’t have time to talk without seeming unfriendly or unprofessional?”
The key to being suitably sociable is to ride the horse, instead of letting it ride you. In my book ConZentrate: Get Focused and Pay Attention, I say the key to getting work done in an office environment is “having the courage to decide what must be focused on first.”
This Diplomatic Deflection technique can help you decide the best use of your attention – instead of dropping what you’re doing anytime someone stops by your desk and wants to talk.
1. Whenever someone drops by to ask or tell you something, find out his or her purpose. Then ask yourself, “Is this more important than what I was doing?” If it is, by all means, switch your attention.
2. If it’s not more important, have the courage to speak up with Words to Use. Say, “I wish I had more time to hear about that soccer match, and I am supposed to get this report back to my boss in a half hour” or “Serena, I know we need to create an agenda for that meeting, and I need to wrap up this email to this client. Can I stop by your office when I’m finished with this and we can work on that agenda then?”
Yes, it’s important to be accessible, but at what cost? If you consistently honor other people’s wishes before your own, your performance and productivity will suffer. You must determine who and what you focus on, when and for how long. Be sure to use positive, proactive phrasing when communicating your priorities to co-workers so it’s clear you’re taking care of business, and not being rude.
One supervisor confessed, “I used to come in early and stay late because I couldn’t get any work done during the day. Now, I have a note card on my desk that says, “Is THIS the best use of my time?” Instead of automatically giving anyone who drops by precedence, I ask if they’re my highest priority. If they’re not, I ask if we can connect later after I finish what I’m doing. I was initially worried I might offend people by putting them off, but just the opposite has happened. Several co-workers have told me they admire my determination to stay focused and they’ve asked if I could teach them how to do the same.”
Action Plan – What To Do With Non-Stop Talkers
You’re at the mall and run into a former colleague. You’re happy to see her, but you’re short on time. She greets you with a big hug and excitedly starts telling you about her engagement. What do you do?
Words To Lose
You inwardly groan and resign yourself to not having time to find the items you wanted.
'“Hello, Jennifer, it’
s been a long time, hasn't it? Tell me how you’ve been doing.’’
You agree to a cup of coffee even though you rather not.
“Uh, yeah, a cup of coffee would be nice. Is there a place here in the mall?”
You look at your watch regretfully and realize you’re going to have to make another trip back.
“I guess I’m just going to have to come to the mall another time.”
Words To Use
You think of the scale of needs and determine to keep them balanced.
“Jennifer, you look great. Do you have time for a walk/talk next week? I’d love to have a chance to catch up with you.”
You diplomatically decline the cup of coffee because you’re clear about your priorities.
“I wish I had time for some coffee, and I have only an hour left to get a present for my son.”
You tactfully terminate the conversation while being sensitive to her feelings and while honoring your own needs.
“I’m so glad we’re back in touch. I’ll look forward to…”
CHAPTER 23: ACT AND FEEL MORE CONFIDENT
“I’d be more brave if I wasn’t so scared.” – Hawkeye in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H
Would you like to know how to be brave, even when you’re scared? Would you like to learn how to project confidence and command people’s attention so they treat you with the respect you deserve?
You can do this with a simple five-second exercise. It’s especially effective if you do this with others so you can see with your own eyes the difference between a “poor me” and a “proud me” posture.
Please stand up. Now let your shoulders fall forward and sag. Let your chest cave in, drop your head, and look down at the floor. Put your feet close together and assume the “fig leaf’ position (hands clasped in front of you). Don’t you feel hesitant and unsure of yourself? This is a “Cower” stance.
Now pull your shoulders up and back, (which automatically pulls your head up and straightens your posture so you stand tall.) Pretend you’re holding a basketball. Place your feet squarely on the ground, shoulder-width apart. Don’t you feel more sure of yourself? This is a “Tower” stance.
Are You Cowering Or Towering?
“People use words like ‘anxiety’ as if anxiety is out there and attacks you.” – Wayne Dyer
Want an easy way to overcome anxiety? Want to feel more confident?
The key to that is to ACT confident, and the key to that is to tower instead of cower.
If you’re sad, you probably have droopy posture. Your spine and spirits are sagging. You’re feeling (and looking) down. This “caved in” posture actually makes you look and feel meek and weak.
What to do? Square your shoulders by lifting them up and back. Lift your chin so you’re holding your head high. You’ve heard the phrase “Get a backbone?” Straighten your spine and stand or sit tall. If you’re standing, assume a more athletic stance by keeping your feet shoulder width apart. Do you feel more optimistic because things are, literally and figuratively, looking up?
This is a Five-Second Confidence Fix and it works wonders in how you feel – and how the world feels about you.
I had an opportunity to speak at an INC 500/5000 conference that honored top entrepreneurs from around the country. The first morning featured such famous business thought-leaders as Jim Collins (Good to Great), Tom Peters (In Search of Excellence) and Seth Godin (Tribes and Linchpin.)
Then, they introduced a female CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation. She walked out, stood there primly, with her hands in the fig-leaf position and said in a whispery voice with upward inflection, “I’m so glad to be here today. I was telling my granddaughters yesterday …” Within minutes, the laptops had come out, the smart-phones had come out, and audience members had started walking out.
It was a shame because she is a respected leader to her thousands of employees. However, she was not exuding a voice of authority or a leadership presence that commanded respect. This could have been easily remedied if she’d just collected herself offstage, squared her shoulders and decided she would TOWER and boom her voice to every corner of the room so everyone could clearly hear every single word.
If you want to be taken seriously, you need to have a posture that says “I know who I am.” That means standing tall and sitting tall and not slouching (which is a universal sign of lack of or low energy/self-esteem.)
Want To Be Valued? Value Yourself!
An athletic recruiter shared his insights on how he makes decisions between similarly talented athletes. “We often only get to see athletes in action a couple times during their whole season. We can look at their stats and check out practice but we never really know for sure how they’ll perform under pressure.
“One way I can test their mettle is to watch what they do when something goes wrong. Their body language tells me what’s going on in their head. Hot-heads may throw equipment, cuss or yell. I’m not really interested in that. What I want to see is whether they get down on themselves when they’re having a bad day.
“The player who keeps it together, holds his head up, and gets that steely look in his eyes when things aren’t going his way is what I’m looking for. That’s the kid that is coachable. They’re less likely to bring their teammates down on tough days and they have the leadership to set a winning tone for the whole team.”
Remember this the next time you try something and it doesn’t work out. If you are down in the dumps, refuse to let it settle in your body. If you allow your body language to sag, your spirits will sag. You’ll feel worse. It will actually perpetuate your dark mood. Furthermore, you’ll bring the people around you down.
Understand that you can change the way you feel by changing your posture. Choose to tower instead of cower. Lift your head to lift your spirits. Turn your disappointment into determination. Stand and sit tall. You’ll feel more confident and people will respond favorably to you.
Are you wondering, “What does this have to do with Tongue Fu!?”
This book gives you proactive responses to dozens of challenging situations so you can handle them more effectively. However, if you don’t feel confident, you may not use them even though you know what to say. We need mental confidence to have verbal confidence. And the short-cut to mental confidence is physical confidence …, which you have the ability to control via your posture.
One more insight into the role posture plays in whether you feel powerful and whether you’re perceived as powerful.
Criminals often admit they look for “victim” posture. Victim posture is that “please don’t pick on me” body language. Cowering actually attracts and encourages aggressors. Predators look for people who aren’t sure of themselves because they perceive they won’t stand up for themselves.
So, towering is important so you can command the respect you deserve. It is important so you can feel confident and use the Tongue Fu! skills you’ve learned. And it’s important because it can prevent bullies from targeting you. They’ll take one look at you and think, “This one can handle herself. I’ll leave her alone.”
It’s All In Your Head
“We are better than we think and not yet what we want to be.” – poet Nikki Giovanni
Do you have an event coming up that’s making your knees knock and your palms sweat? Are you going to a job interview? Are you in the finals of a tennis tournament, playing an individual rated higher than you are? Do you need to counsel an employee who’s got an “It’s not my job” attitude?"
Would you like to walk into that situation with poise rather than panic? You can if you use visualization to turn your self-doubt into decisiveness. Visualization is the single best thing you can do to improve your performance in any area. That’s a bold statement, isn’t it? These four behavioral insights explain how and why visualization works:
1. Confidence is based on recent, frequent, successful practice. Wouldn’t you agree that if you do something well and have done it often and recently, you can walk in
to that situation with confidence? That’s what confidence is... feeling “I can” due to proven competence.
2. Nervousness is caused by focusing on your doubts and fears. If you’re thinking, “How did I get myself into this? What if I choke in front of all those people?” you’ll be apprehensive. Nervousness is a manifestation of dwelling on misgivings.
3. People are uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations. The fight-or-flight response is an instinctive survival mechanism. When you are in an unfamiliar environment, your body pumps adrenaline though your system so you have the energy necessary to defend yourself or escape. When you don’t know your surroundings well, you’re in a state of anxiety (defined in two words as “not knowing”). Only after you’ve spent time in a place and know it’s safe, can you relax and release the tension that accompanies new circumstances.
4. Mental practice is perfect practice that makes you better, faster than actual practice. Real-life practice is certainly beneficial, but it’s impossible to perform the activity perfectly every time, so you imprint mistakes and subpar performance. The perfect practice that is possible through mental imaging accelerates improvement and skill acquisition because you can do it right every time.
Don’t Worry; Rehearse
“I am a big believer in visualization. I run through my races mentally so that I feel even more prepared.” - Allyson Felix, 2012 Olympic Gold Medal Winner, Sprinter
I introduced this idea of visualization in a seminar I gave, and a woman named Martha voiced her doubts. “My son is getting married next month. Every time I picture his big day, I break into a sweat. Thinking about it makes me feel worse, not better. I’m starting to dread his wedding.”