by Sam Horn
I was curious as to what Martha was picturing when she thought about the wedding, so I asked, “Don’t you like the bride?”
“No, that’s not it,” she corrected. “My son’s fiancée is lovely. It’s just that she is the only daughter in a very prominent family here in town, and they’re throwing a lavish reception. Her parents are wealthy jet-setters, and we don’t have anything in common. I sat next to them at the engagement dinner and couldn’t think of a thing to say the entire evening. I just know I’m going to feel out of place at this fancy shindig, surrounded by three hundred of their best friends.”
When asked how much time was left before the ceremony, she answered, “Three weeks.” I said, “Martha, you can spend the next three weeks worrying, or you can spend the next three weeks rehearsing. You can talk yourself into apprehension, or you can talk yourself into anticipation. What’s it going to be?”
I suggested she use the following guidelines to make her visualization a positive preparation. I explained that visualization can work for or against you, depending on your focus. By picturing the right things over and over, she could accumulate confidence and turn her dread into determination.
1. Duplicate the real-life situation as closely as possible. What will the church look like? Where will you be seated? Fill in as many details as you can and involve all five of your senses. You want to put yourself there in your mind. Mental practice is less useful if you jump around from scene to scene. You can set up a feeling of flow by visualizing sequentially from beginning to end. That way you’re familiarizing yourself with what will happen that day, so you’ll have already “been there, done that.”
2. Picture what you don’t want to happen, and plan how you’re going to respond. You may be thinking, “Isn’t this contradictory? If I focus on my fears, won’t it make me more nervous?” It does if you just dwell on all the awful things that could happen. Take it one step further, though, and plan how you can handle your worst-nightmare scenario with poise. Anticipate what could go wrong and figure out how you’re going to keep your cool no matter what. Instead of imagining yourself intimidated by all the strangers, picture yourself as a gracious hostess, seeking out new friends and making sure family members feel welcome. Instead of avoiding the bride’s parents, picture yourself approaching them, shaking their hands, and complimenting them on the time and effort they poured into making this day special.
3. Positively phrase and practice exactly how you want to perform over and over. Be sure to express your desired performance in positive rather than negative terms. Instead of saying, “I’m going to feel self-conscious,” tell yourself, “I am going to extend myself to the people who cared enough to honor my son with their presence on this special day.” Instead of thinking, “I’m so threatened by these famous celebrities,” think, “I’m glad I’m here and I’m going to enjoy every minute of the ceremony.”
Martha wrote me after the wedding, saying, “That day was everything I could have hoped for. I didn’t realize I was talking myself into a state of dread with all those doom-and-gloom predictions. Someone once told me that ‘worrying is just a way of praying for what you don’t want.’ I think visualization is a way of praying for, and producing, what you do want.”
Speak More Confidently
“Mend your speech a little, lest you mar your fortunes.” - William Shakespeare
It’s presumptuous to think I could improve on Shakespeare, however wouldn’t you agree you should mend your speech a little so you can make your fortunes? Power is the ability to get things done. If you want to get along better with people – and if you want people to treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s important to master the skill of speaking confidently.
Yet in a survey cited in The Book of Lists, more people feared public speaking than death. When a participant in one of my workshops asked how this could be, a fellow attendee quipped, “That’s obvious. We only have to die once.”
You can overcome this fear and learn how to speak your mind by using the three guidelines to visualization listed in the last section and by filling your mind with your determination to add value for your listeners. If you’re feeling self-conscious, it’s because you’re focusing on yourself (“How do I look? What do they think of me?”). If you switch your focus to your audience (“What could make this time well spent for them? “How can they benefit from these ideas?”), you’ll no longer be obsessed with doubts. Your anxiety will be overridden by a sense of mission to provide value.
Turn Panic Into Poise
“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” - Bill Cosby, American Actor and Comedian
One man’s success story illustrates the important role mental rehearsal can play in helping you speak more confidently. Kevin had been asked to present a paper at his professional association’s national convention. He confessed he was scared to death. “I’ve never spoken to a group of more than fifty people in my whole life, and there’s supposed to be over five hundred people in my session. I’m afraid I’ll get up there and make a fool of myself in front of my peers.”
I said, “Kevin, you can argue for your limitations or you can eliminate them. Commit to doing this five-minute visualization exercise for the next ten nights. Pick a time at the end of the day so you’re not distracted by other obligations. Sit quietly and picture the room where your session will be held. If you haven’t been there before, it’s worth a call to the hotel to ask for a description or go online to see if their website has a grid of their meeting rooms.
“Imagine being introduced and bounding up to the platform with energetic, purposeful strides. See yourself looking out at the audience, smiling, and making friendly eye contact with at least one individual in each quarter of the room. Imagine feeling grateful for this opportunity to share your ideas and insights.
“Picture yourself PAUSING until you have everyone’s attention. See yourself making your points in an organized, understandable way and projecting clearly to the back of the room. Visualize yourself reaching out to the audience and caring that they get something of value from your presentation. Imagine yourself closing with a call to action that inspires everyone to carry out your ideas.” Kevin called me the day after the convention. “It worked! I was so comfortable up there, it felt like I’d done it a hundred times before!” He had done it a hundred times before—in his mind.
Does visualization guarantee success? No, it guarantees an improved performance. John F. Kennedy said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed ... but nothing can be changed that is not faced.” Your real-life events may not go as you “scripted” them in your visualization; however, they will certainly go more smoothly and successfully than if you walked in cold. Face down your fears with visualization and you can transform potentially traumatic events into triumphs.
Action Plan - Act And Feel More Confident
Your twenty-fifth high school reunion is a week away. You’re eager to see your long-lost buddies, but you’ve gained quite a bit of weight over the years. You’re considering passing up this event rather than enduring everyone’s shocked looks. How do you spend your thought time?
Words To Lose
You talk yourself into a state of dread and apprehension.
“I’m going to be so embarrassed when everyone sees how heavy I’ve gotten.”
You focus on your doubts and fears and increase your nervousness.
“Everyone else is probably going to look great. I'm going to feel so conspicuous and self-conscious.”
You worry about what could go wrong. You obsess about the event until you decide not to go.
“Forget it. I’m not going to put myself through that. It would be humiliating, and I just wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy myself.”
Words To Use
You talk yourself into a state of determination and anticipation.
“I’m looking forward to getting together with my friends and catching up.”
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nbsp; You use visualization to mentally rehearse how you want the evening to go.
“I am going to have fun finding out what’s happened to Joyce and Kelly. And I’m going to dance every dance.”
You familiarize yourself with the location, and picture yourself walking in and towering instead of cowering.
“I am going to stand tall and make the most of this marvelous opportunity to reunite with my high school chums.”
CHAPTER 24: FIVE KEYS TO BEING MORE PERSUASIVE
“Cats seem to operate on the principle that it doesn’t hurt to ask for what you want.” – Joseph Krutch
Are you ready to speak up for what you want? Merely having a valid case isn’t enough. You must first summon the courage to speak up for yourself, and then present your ideas with timing, sensitivity, and skill so your listener is motivated to say yes.
If asking for what you want works for cats, maybe it can work for you.
Shelley, an athletic friend of mine who works as a clerk in a Washington, D.C. law firm, spent every noon hour jogging on the paths bordering the Smithsonian. She loved getting outside for the exercise, but she didn’t enjoy having to change back into her professional clothes without the benefit of a shower. She approached the partners and proposed that a woman’s locker room be installed, similar to the one provided for male employees. They turned her down flat, citing the expense, lack of space, and so on.
Shelley called me and asked for help.
The first thing I did was compliment her on not giving up on what she wanted. I suggested she could get a yes to her proposal if she presented it using these Five Principles of Persuasion.
Don’t Wait For Fate
“Don’t wait for fate to bring about the changes in life which you should be bringing about yourself.” - Douglas Coupland, Canadian Novelist
1. Approach the situation with optimistic expectations. You may think this suggestion is obvious. As a participant pointed out, “That’s common sense. Everyone knows that.” In reply, I quoted something my dad used to say: “Just because something is common sense doesn’t mean it’s common practice.”
Have you ever approached someone with a request while inside you were thinking, “This is a waste of time. They’ll never approve this.” If you don’t believe your suggestion stands a chance, how can they? Dwight D. Eisenhower once observed, “Pessimism never won any battle.” Talk yourself into a state of optimism (“I know this is worthwhile”) so you can go in with the courage of your convictions.
2. Anticipate and voice their objections. Ask yourself, “Who are my decision-makers and why might they say no?” Determine why they might turn you down, and then state their arguments first. If you don’t preface your points with their objections, they won’t even be listening to you; they’ll be waiting for their turn to talk so they can tell you why your recommendation won’t work.
If you predict they’ll protest with “We don’t have the money for this in our budget,” then guess what the first words out of your mouth better be? “You may be thinking we don’t have the funds available, and if I can have your attention for the next five minutes, I can show how we’ll save this amount of money in the first three weeks of operation.”
3. Number and document each point. My high school debate coach used to tell his debaters: “Your expertise is judged by the organization of your thoughts.” You may be the world’s foremost authority on the matter you’re presenting, but if your points are disorganized and all over the map, listeners will conclude you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The easiest and quickest way to lend legitimacy to points is to number them. “There are three reasons why this addition will be worthwhile. The first is ..., the second is…and so forth. Enumerating evidence makes material sound like facts rather than opinion so it carries more weight. Furthermore, listeners can remember what’s being said more easily because numbers give people a hook on which to hang a memory.
4. Meet their needs and speak their language. Avoid using the word I, as in “I think a locker room will be good for our employees.” People won’t do things for your reasons; they’ll do them for their own. Paul Harlan Collins coined a couple of one-liners that illustrate how parents can master this principle: “The best way to get your teen to shovel the driveway ... is to tell him he can use the car,” and “Want to teach your kids to count? Give them different allowances.”
Ask yourself what’s most important to the person you’re trying to persuade. Money? Safety? Reputation? Health? Figure out how your proposal will benefit him and then address those advantages. If what’s important to him is his reputation as a leader in this field, then emphasize how he will be the first to implement this innovative idea and that his pioneering efforts will set the standard for years to come.
5. Motivate them to “try on” your ideas. Ralph Waldo Emerson realized, “To know how to suggest is the great art of teaching.” The same is true of persuasion. If you pressure people to see the wisdom of your arguments, they may turn you down simply because they don’t like decisions being forced down their throats. The goal is to actively involve them with questions and stories so they see what you’re saying. As soon as they picture what is being proposed, they’re out of the passive, resistive mode and imagining your idea as if it were a done deal.
Reverse Refusals With The “Three R’s”
“Never change a winning game; always change a losing one.” – Coach Vince Lombardi
My friend Shelley said, “If I had presented my original proposal using these five principles, I probably would have won. Now I’m afraid it’s too late and I’ve lost out. The partners aren’t going to give me another chance now that they’ve refused me.”
She had a good point. Once people have said no, the case is often closed.
However, you can reopen a dead issue if you unearth and introduce new evidence. Bring a new point to their attention, one not discussed in the initial negotiation. They now have justification for changing their minds and reaching a different conclusion. They can reverse themselves without losing face because you have given them new criteria on which to base a decision. If your original tactics aren’t victorious, don’t give up, try something different.
I recommended that Shelley motivate the partners to reconsider her request by using the Three Rs. If you have recently had a proposal turned down, take heart, and take this advice.
R = Retreat: Exit the situation gracefully. Don’t slam the door on your way out; you may want to walk back through it. Accept the no gracefully so the door will be open when you want to try again.
R = Reevaluate: Why did they say no? Did you not address their needs? Did you forget to number your points so your evidence was underwhelming? Can you track down precedence and evidence not used the first time.
R = Reapproach: Schedule a new appointment and preface your remarks with “I know we’ve talked about this before, and I’ve uncovered some information that casts new light on the situation.” Then present your ideas incorporating the Five Rules of Persuasion and Words to Use.
Shelley succeeded in getting the lockers approved the second time around because she did her homework. She contacted a national fitness association and obtained data regarding the financial advantages of employees who exercise during their lunch hour. She located other corporations who were glad to talk about the improved morale and reduced healthcare costs that had resulted from installing changing/shower facilities. Shelley neutralized the partners’ objections about lack of space by demonstrating the advantages of converting a little-used conference room. Later she called to give me the good news and added a variation of Yogi Berra’s often-quoted line “Looks like it’s not over ’til the fit lady sings.”
Don’t Give Up; Go On
“Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown.” - Ross Perot, American Politician
A participant in one
of my sessions said, “I understand all of this except the Fifth Principle. How exactly do you get someone to ‘try on’ your ideas?”
He had brought up a good point. How can you get people to reconsider and embrace your ideas? Take a tip from Socrates, who wisely understood that people remember more of what they learn themselves than what is force fed.
The Socratic method of turning statements into rhetorical questions is pivotal to successful persuasion. It’s the difference between pressuring someone to make up his mind and presenting the ideas in a provocative fashion that allows him to make up his own mind.
You can reverse resistance by actively engaging people and putting them in the mental driver’s seat. For example, rather than stating, “I think our female employees deserve a place to change after they work out,” ask, “Would you like to see how we could reduce our sick leave and workmen’s compensation costs by installing locker rooms for our female employees?”
Tell A Story So They Can See What You’re Saying
“Remember, you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.” – Andy Rooney
So, how can we get people interested in what we have to say? One way is to use questions and success stories with sensory details to move listeners from their logical left brain to their emotional right brain. Even the toughest critics enjoy hearing an interesting, well-told tale. Once listeners are interested in the outcome of your anecdote, they’re experiencing your idea. Vivid word pictures have the power to transform rhetoric into personal reality.