Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  An associate of mine proudly passed her real estate exam and obtained her license. After countless open houses, Maria still hadn’t made one sale. She trudged into her supervisor’s office, collapsed into the chair by his desk, and exclaimed, “I quit!”

  He said, “How can you quit? You’ve only been an agent for a few months.”

  She glumly explained, “I’ve logged over four thousand miles on my car, worked with dozens of clients, and I don’t have anything to show for it. I’ve come to the conclusion that old adage ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink’ is correct.”

  Her wise boss countered, “Maria, you’re not supposed to make them drink. You’re supposed to make them thirsty.”

  Over lunch, Maria and I discussed how she could use the Five Principles of Persuasion and the Three R’s (Retreat, Reevaluate, Reapproach) in her real estate career. Questions and stories now make up a large part of her marketing. She’ll say, “Isn’t this a lovely neighborhood?” instead of “I like this part of town,” and “Who would be in this room, Tina or Dolores?” instead of “I think this is a pretty room.”

  She asks the current or previous residents what their favorite memories are of the house – holiday celebrations or birthday parties - so she can personalize it for her clients and help them picture playing Ping-Pong with their kids in the rec room or watching their favorite football team on the flat screen TV in the man cave. Needless to say, she’s met with considerably more success because she is engaging her buyers’ imagination and mind’s eye and making them thirsty rather than pressuring them to drink.

  Believe me, there is more we could say about persuasion and winning buy-in to your ideas. As Pitch Coach for Springboard Enterprises (which has helped entrepreneurs like Robin Chase of ZipCar and Gail Goodman of Constant Contact receive $5.5 billion in funding), I’ve had the opportunity to help clients around the world craft pitches and sales presentations that have opened doors and closed deals.

  However, the focus of this book is how to turn conflicts into cooperation and get along better with just about anyone, anytime, anywhere. I’ll share one more way you can communicate what you want more compellingly and convincingly. Then, if you’d like more ways to hone your persuasion, pitches and presentations so you can get yes’s to your requests and recommendations; check out my book: POP! Create the Perfect Pitch, Title and Tagline for Anything and EYEBROW Test: Intrigue Anyone in Anything an online system.

  Win Buy-In To Your Requests And Recommendations

  “Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.” – Bonnie Raitt song title

  Think of a situation right now where you would like to persuade someone to approve something. What is a project you’d like green-lighted? A program you want funded? An idea you want supported?

  Realize you have seconds to get your decision-maker’s favorable attention.

  Why? People are suffering from INFObesity.

  They can get all the information they want, any time they want, for free, for a click of a link.

  That means you better impress them fast with something that gets their eyebrows up.

  What’s this about eyebrows? It’s a way to tell if you’ve successfully pulled people out of their preoccupation and gotten their interest. If their eyebrows are knit and furrowed it means they didn’t get it. And if they don’t get it; you won’t get what you want. Because confused people don’t ask for clarification and they don’t say yes.

  You want their eyebrows to go up. Try it right now. Lift your eyebrows. Do you feel engaged, curious, motivated to listen? That’s the goal of your first minute of communication.

  One of my favorite examples of someone who demonstrated the power of getting people’s eyebrows up is Kathleen Callendar. Kathleen is the CEO of Pharma Jet and is an alumni of Springboard Enterprises. She and I had an opportunity to work together. I’ll always remember what she said when she found out she had only ten minutes to pitch a room full of investors at the Paley Center in New York City.

  “Ten minutes?!” she said incredulously. “You can’t say anything in ten minutes.”

  I told her, “Kathleen, you don’t have ten minutes. You’re going in the afternoon after 15 other presenters. At that point, everyone’s eyes are going to be glazed over. You have 60 seconds to get them intrigued.”

  “But how am I going to describe my invention, our team credentials, clinical trial results, business model and exit strategy in that short of a time?”

  “You can’t. The goal is to get their eyebrows up.”

  “How do I do that?”

  Well, here’s how you do that. Here’s the opening we came up with that not only got everyone’s eyebrows up, it helped Kathleen land millions in funding and be selected as one of Business Week’s Most Promising Social Entrepreneurs of 2010.

  “Did you know there are 1.8 billion vaccinations given every year?

  Did you know up to half of those are given with re-used needles?

  Did you know we are spreading and perpetuating the very diseases we’re trying to prevent?

  Imagine if there were a painless, one-use needle for a fraction of the current cost?

  You don’t have to imagine it …we’ve created it. It’s called Pharma Jet …” and she was off and running.

  Do you want to know more? That means Kathleen just got her idea in your mental door.

  If you want to know more about this step-by-step “Did You Know …” persuasion process that helps you ask for and get what you want; check out my EYEBRROW TEST system online.

  Action Plan - Five Keys For Being More Persuasive

  Your kids are having an end-of-the-summer pool party, and the energetic youngsters are running wild. You have told them several times to stop roughhousing, but they continue with their roughhousing. How do you persuade them to calm down?

  Words To Lose

  You yell at them and warn them you’re at the end of your patience.

  "Unless you kids stop horsing around, I’m going to throw you out and the party's over.”

  You tell yourself it’s a waste of time.

  “They’re not going to obey me. They're so wound up, they won’t listen to anyone.”

  You try to get what you want with warnings.

  “You guys are going to get hurt.”

  You wrap up your lecture about how important safety is.

  “Now, I better not have to tell you this again. I mean it.”

  Words To Use

  You put some thought into what you’re going to say so you’ll be more persuasive.

  “How can I get them to see how this benefits them?”

  You convince yourself this is significant and doable.

  “Kids, please come sit down at the table and give me your eyes. I have something important to discuss.”

  You tell them a story that illustrates why it’s in their best interests to walk around the pool.

  “Do you know what happened to Kevin last year? Kevin was running and he slipped...”

  You ask them, “What’s your understanding of our agreement?”

  “So, what are the pool rules if you want to swim here?”

  PART V

  What If I’m Dealing With A Bully?

  “There must be another way, if only because there has to be.” - Columnist Herb Caen

  You’ve heard Paul Simon’s song, “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover?”

  You're about to learn several ways to lose your bully.

  When you think of a bully, do you picture a big brute wearing a black hat, with hairy arms, bulging biceps, a handlebar mustache and a sneer? Someone like the villain who gets booed in a melodrama?

  As you’re about to discover, bullies don’t really look like that.

  Bullies comes in all shapes, sizes, genders and ages. There are domineering bullies and passive-aggressive bullies. 80-year old granny bullies and 8 year old schoolyard bullies.

  This section will help you determine if the really difficult person you
’re dealing with is a bona-fide bully.

  If so, you’ll learn how to deal with this person – without sacrificing your sanity or integrity.

  CHAPTER 25: BREAK FREE FROM BULLIES

  “The better we feel about ourselves; the fewer times we have to knock someone down to feel tall.” - Collette

  Carla said in a half-day workshop. “Sam, I think Tongue Fu! works with most people. But there’s this one person at work who is downright ugly to me and everyone around me. I’ve tried everything – seeing things from his point of view, trying to be logical, trying to understand he comes from a dysfunctional upbringing and doesn’t know any better, trying to appeal to his sense of fairness. Nothing works.”

  I told Carla, “You may be dealing with a bully. A bully is “someone who knowingly, purposely and repeatedly mistreats people.”

  The key word here is “repeatedly.” We all have bad days. We all get upset and say or do something we wish we hadn’t. We all have moments where we behave in ways of which we’re not proud.

  However, most of us are accountable. We come to our senses, realize what we did was wrong and apologize. We self-correct. If someone calls us on our ugly behavior, we see the error of our ways and take responsibility for it. And then we don’t do it again.

  Bullies, though, don’t apologize. In fact, as you’re about to see in the following quiz, bullies manipulate and intimidate on purpose. They don’t care if they hurt others in the process; in fact, that’s their goal.

  If there’s someone in your life who seems to delight in making others miserable, answer these questions. They can help you determine whether this person is truly a bully or simply having a bad day.

  Answer the Questions in This “Are You Dealing with a Bully?” Quiz

  “He couldn’t see a belt without hitting below it.” – Margot Asquith

  You might want to get out a pen and paper and score your answers to these questions. Ask yourself how frequently, on a scale of 1 – 5, a particularly challenging person in your life indulges in this behavior;

  HARDLY EVER = 1

  SOMETIMES = 3

  OFTEN = 5

  1. Do I walk and talk on eggshells around this person? Do I watch everything I say because s/he has a hair trigger temper and I don’t want to risk making him/her mad?

  2. Is this person hyper-critical? Does s/he find fault with others and put them down?

  3. Does this person dominate conversations and talk over anyone who tries to get a word in edgewise? Does this person get upset and get loud if the attention is not on him/her?

  4. Does this person blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong? Does s/he refuse to apologize or even consider that s/he may be contributing to the problem?

  5. Does this person have a Jekyll/Hyde personality that keeps you off balance? Can s/he be kind one moment and cruel the next – you never know what to expect?

  6. Does this person call you hurtful names and/or have derogatory labels for people?

  7. Does this person insist on controlling the decisions (money, travel, food) and attack anyone who dares to question his/her judgment or authority?

  8. Does this person put guilt trips on others, play martyr and hold everyone else (but her/himself) responsible for her/his happiness and mood?

  9. Has this person tried to isolate you from friends and family? Do they disparage/discourage your hobbies and not “let” you spend time doing things with people that make you happy?

  10. If you announce your intention to leave (or get a divorce or quit your job); does this person “make nice” to get you back and then begin mistreating you again?

  11. If you speak up about this person’s behavior; does s/he get loud and angry in an effort to back you down? Do they go on the offensive and somehow make this YOUR fault?

  12. Does this person indulge in “crazy-making” behavior such as making statements, then reversing them; breaking commitments and claiming they never made them in the first place?

  13. Does this person twist things around and accuse you of saying things/doing things that aren’t true? Do you feel discombobulated around this person; like you can’t say/do anything right?

  14. Is this person passive-aggressive? What they say on the surface isn’t so bad, but you always feel bad after you’ve been around them and don’t know why?

  15. Are you happier when you’re not around this person?

  Is This Person A “5 Percenter”?

  “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” – Gore Vidal

  Wow, they didn’t call him Gore for nothing. So, total up that score. How did the difficult person in your life rank?

  35 or below. If this person scored in 35 or below; this individual is not a bully. S/he may be unpleasant to deal with once in awhile; however win-win communication on your part will make it possible for the two of you to co-exist cooperatively most of the time.

  36-55. This person is showing bully tendencies. This person is “testing” you. If you don’t stand up for yourself and hold this person accountable with a show of strength, they will conclude you’re weak and ripe to be pushed around and taken advantage of.

  57-75. Uh-oh. Looks like you’ve got a full-blown bully on your hands. This person compulsively mistreats and manipulates others to get what s/he wants. It’s important to understand that appealing to this person’s integrity won’t work – they don’t have any. Please be prepared to learn new ways of dealing with this type of individual so they no longer have the power to run and ruin your life.

  If this person’s score is between 1 – 55, they are a 95 Percenter. The techniques covered in this book so far will work with these people because 95 Percenters have a conscience. They care about what’s fair. They want a win-win, are accountable for their behavior, and are open to mutually-rewarding agreements.

  If “your” person’s score is 56-75 ; they are a 5 Percenter. 5 Percenters do NOT want a win-win … they want to win. They don’t want to cooperate; they want to control. They believe only one person can be on top and they want to be that person. To achieve that, as Gore Vidal pointed out, (hopefully, tongue-in-cheek?) their goal is to make everyone else fail so they can succeed.

  What do I mean by 95 and 5 Percenters?

  After interviewing thousands of people about this subject, and presenting workshops on this topic to organizations including the U.S. Embassy in London, I’ve concluded that 95% of difficult behavior is situational. It’s a by-product of an event that has made someone unhappy. If you interact with these people sensitively and skillfully, you can often resolve the situation amicably. If you bring mistreatment to their attention; they’ll often apologize and choose to be more courteous and respectful in the future.

  The other 5 % of difficult behavior is intentional. These people require different responses because they don’t respond to reason. They deliberately make other people feel bad because it makes them feel better.

  People often ask me to share an example of this “I’m going to make you small so I can feel tall” type of behavior.

  I tell them about the time Donald Trump was interviewed by Larry King on his syndicated TV show. A few minutes into the interview, Donald Trump interrupted Larry and said, “By the way, Larry, has anyone ever told you, you have really bad breath?”

  Larry was so stunned by this out-of-the-blue attack, he fell back in his chair and stumbled and mumbled while he tried to come up with a response. He finally came out with a weak, “Well, no.”

  Having accomplished his purpose, Trump said, “I won’t bother then.”

  What was going on?

  It was Larry King’s show. Controllers don’t like it when other people have their own show; they want to run every show. So he said something insulting to knock Larry off balance. When Larry lost his poise (which was the goal, to reduce his power, make him look and feel weak), Trump swooped in to seize control.

  Participants often ask, “What could Larry King have done in that situation?”

 
I think he could have done several things. He could have said with an amused smile, “Donald, does this work with other people?” Naming Donald’s game would have neutralized it.

  He could have raised his eyebrows in mock reproach and said, “Donald, shame on you” and then moved the interview on to something else. Whatever he did, it was important for King to keep his cool and let Donald know that his tactic didn’t work.

  Is This Person’s Hurtful Behavior Occasional or Ongoing?

  “If you don’t run your own life, someone else will.” – John Atkinson

  How can you tell if someone is a bully or just upset? In one word, patterns.

  Some people aren’t very pleasant, but you can tell they are caught up in the emotions associated with something that actually happened and you unfortunately just happen to be the lightening rod in their storm. If you’ve just met this person, you get the feeling their anger is an exception, not the rule. You sense this is a one-time, or occasional occurrence; it’s not being done intentionally with glee or malice. With these people, you will feel some human response. They can usually be placated with proactive handling.

  Bullies, on the other hand, persistently badger others to achieve their ends. Their intimidation and manipulation is part of who they are, it’s their SOP – Standard Operating Procedure. They may even be known for this behavior and take pride it. Chance are, their reputation preceded them.