All Your Love

by K T Grant

  I left my bags in the living room and entered the kitchen that hadn’t been updated since I was in high school. Aunt Lorraine sat at the table staring off into space with a drained expression. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and her lips set in a stiff line. She didn’t acknowledge me until I sat down across from her.

  “You were outside all this time?” Her voice scratched and lacked emotion.

  “Freddie stopped by, and we ended up talking.”

  One eyebrow lifted in surprise. “Oh? Will you two make plans to hang out while you’re here?”

  I chuckled and shook my head. “That’s not going to happen. We don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.”

  “Why’s that? You were so close growing up but then the summer you came home after freshman year, you drifted apart.” She tapped her thumb on her bottom lip. “Then when Bianca visited a week before you went back to college—”

  “What’s going on between you and the chief?” I blurted, forcing the direction of the conversation another way.

  She didn’t appreciate my question, based on her sudden frown and the spark of irritation in her eyes. At least it was better than her being so miserable.

  “Nothing is going on with us.” She tugged on her hoop earring.

  “The why did the he look disheveled and upset when he left, and why are you sitting here ready to cry?” I reached across the table and took her hand. “Is it about Grandma?”

  “It has nothing to do with Mom. Gerard and I had a difference of opinion, that’s all.” She squeezed my hand and then let it go. “Friends sometimes have disagreements, just like you and Freddie.”

  I sighed and folded my arms on the table. “Why do you keep bringing her up? She’s in my past. We can’t pick up where we left off.”

  “Why? You both belong—”

  My cell rang, for once a welcomed disturbance. I took it out. Bianca’s number flashed on the screen.

  Aunt Lorraine saw the number and rolled her eyes. “You should answer before she starts calling the house. You’d think she could go a few hours without talking to you.”

  The times Aunt Lorraine visited me in Boston, Bianca was there. My aunt had always been polite to Bianca but not overly warm. She had mentioned on more than one occasion how strange it was that I had to check with Bianca or invite her with us even though Aunt Lorraine wanted alone time with me.

  “She’s calling because she’s worried about me and everything going on with Grandma.” I let the call go to voice mail. I would call Bianca back before I went to bed.

  “She must be less than happy about your separation for more than a month.” Aunt Lorraine rose from the table. “I guess I should expect your friend to grace us with her presence sometime in the near future?”

  “She thinks I’m here for a week or two.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal I hadn’t been forthcoming with how long I would be away from Bianca.

  A small smile hovered around her lips. “Trouble in paradise?”

  I refused to answer that. She was the only one I had been honest with abut my feelings for Bianca, but I kept our longtime arrangement from her. I didn’t want to deal with her shock and possible disgust that I had a decade long sexual relationship with another woman. Eventually, she would find out about Bianca’s engagement, hopefully from me before she read it in the press. But, for now, I wasn’t in the mood to hear her say, “I told you so.”

  “I’ll call Bianca back and then get ready for bed. I can have my old room?” I asked.

  “There’s a fresh set of sheets on your bed.” She covered her yawn and then stretched. “I’m going to take a shower and then watch some TV. We’ll visit your grandmother in the morning after I go to mass.”

  “Okay.” I nodded, waiting for her to leave the room first. I wanted to be alone when I called Bianca because the conversation would most likely be uncomfortable.

  “I’ll see you in the morning,” she said and left the room.

  I waited until I heard the creaking of the steps and then footsteps overhead before I called Bianca back. She picked up on the first ring.

  “Cassandra, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you all day long. What took you so long to call me back?” she asked, irritation loud and clear based on the tone of her voice.

  I dragged the tips of my fingers across the table. “I was busy with my aunt and my grandmother and couldn’t call you back until now.”

  “How is your grandmother?”

  “Not good. She slept the entire time I visited her at the hospital.” My nose tingled as I blocked the tears from filling my eyes.

  “How much longer does she have? Are you making funeral arrangements? When are you coming back to me?”

  I curled my fingers in my palm over her insensitive questions. I almost hung up but instead I remained calm and didn’t snap at her over the phone.

  “My aunt and I haven’t discussed it. For now, I’m just here to spend quality time with Grandma. I forgot to mention I’m staying longer than I originally thought. I’ll be in Delpoint for more than a month.”

  “What?” Bianca squawked.

  “I was given the okay for the time off from Clifford. I can work on any important projects for him, as well as my freelance work from here. I brought my laptop with me,” I said, bracing myself for another explosion.

  Bianca made a sound like she was grinding her teeth. She did that sometimes when she was really upset. I envisioned her red in the face and pacing the floor of her apartment, wanting to hit something or someone. I smiled at the visual.

  “This is unacceptable. What am I supposed to do without you for that long? We’ve never been apart for more than a day or two.”

  I dropped my head back, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to be bent out of shape because I wasn’t there at her beck and call.

  “You know what’s unacceptable? You’re being incredibly selfish when someone I love is dying. It’s not about what’s good for you. This is about me, for once,” I announced through stiff lips, my hands trembling. I couldn’t remember the last time I talked back to Bianca this way. I probably never had.

  Her long-suffering sigh didn’t sway me in any way. For once I felt wooden, uninvolved by her childish reaction. Maybe she would hang up on me? For some reason I found that amusing.

  “You’re still upset about my engagement to Dale,” she said in a shaky voice.

  “It’s that, among other things I can’t go into detail about over the phone.” I dug my fingers into the base of my skull to relieve the pressure there. Now a headache brewed. “I think this separation is best. We need to evaluate our relationship.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Bianca? Are you still there?”

  There was some type of shuffling on her end. “I’ll give you to the end of the month.”

  Then what? I wanted to laugh at her command. She couldn’t think I would forgive and forget and life would go on as it had been for us.

  “I have to go. My aunt wants to talk to me.” Lying now came easily. Bianca had no problems doing it, so why shouldn’t I follow in her footsteps?

  “I’ll call you on Sunday night like usual. Tomorrow I’ll be busy helping Mother with her dinner to celebrate Daddy’s win. Clifford and Brad and their wives and children are coming.”

  “And your fiancé also.” I rapped the table instead of smacking it like I wanted to.

  She exhaled loudly. “Cassandra, I don’t want to discuss Dale over the phone—”

  “You don’t have to. Good-bye.” I hung up and chucked the phone on the table. I stared at it, expecting it to light up as Bianca called me back. I had never hung up on her before.

  I dropped my face in my palms and groaned. When the phone didn’t ring, I got up from the table and walked up the steps to my bedroom, hoping to find sleep without the overwhelming urge to cry.

  Chapter Five

  “Why aren’t you wearing makeup? You’re too pale.”

  Grand
ma’s criticism didn’t upset me. I was ecstatic she was alert and speaking, even though her voice was more of a raspy whisper. She even instructed Aunt Lorraine to help her put on her pink lipstick, which seemed garish on the dry, yellowing tint of her skin. Grandma had been the one to teach me the importance of makeup when I entered high school. But when I woke up this morning, I’d barely had the energy to shower, let alone style my hair and fix my face up as I did every morning. For once my hair was back in a messy braid and I only wore lip gloss. The inch of snow that had fallen overnight and the chilly wind helped me decide to wear an old Boston University sweatshirt and a pair of jeans I found in my dresser.

  “Grandma, I’m wearing lipstick like you.” I pointed out and shared an amused look with Aunt Lorraine who sat by the window. She wore jeans but a button down white shirt and a yellow cardigan sweater.

  Grandma winced as she sat up and situated a pillow behind her back. “It’s not enough. You need to do something about those dark shadows under your eyes. She squinted as she examined my face. “You’re not getting enough rest?”

  Last night I’d slept well enough, but it wouldn’t make up for the recent stress in my life. She didn’t need to know that.

  “I’ve been busy with work and volunteering. Bianca’s father won the governor’s race in Massachusetts,” I said proudly.

  “Is that why you didn’t come home for Christmas?” she asked, her lips turning into a scowl. “Did you at least go to Christmas mass or are you still a heathen?”

  “Still a heathen.” I shrugged. I hadn’t been to mass or the inside of a church in almost nine years. “You know why I don’t go to church anymore.”

  Grandma started to speak, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

  “Father Dominic, what a pleasant surprise.” Aunt Lorraine met the priest and embraced him.

  Father Dominic was the pastor at Sacred Heart where Grandma and Aunt Lorraine attended church. Grandma and the father had known each other for years, even before I was born. He was a beloved member of the Delpoint community and made everyone feel welcome, regardless if they were Catholic or not.

  “Hello, Father Dominic,” Grandma said and then started coughing.

  I handed her a tissue. Drops of blood mixed in with her phlegm before she covered her mouth. Every gasp of air and choking cough made me flinch. I sat on the side of her bed and lightly tapped her back to comfort her.

  “Did I come at a bad time?” Worry lines appeared on the father’s forehead and around his mouth. Well into his mid-sixties, his face was full of wrinkles, and he had snow-white hair.

  Grandma shook her head as stopped coughing. “I’m just hacking up a lung like I do at this time of day. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  Aunt Lorraine’s eyes grew shiny and she grabbed the plastic pitcher on the tray. “I’ll go fill this up with water. Excuse me.”

  I would have joined her, but Father Dominic came over to my side and kissed my cheek. “Hello, Cassie. It’s been far too long since we last saw one another. You look well.”

  Grandma snorted. “She looks worse than I do, and I’m dying.”

  “Grams!” I lowered my head to my chest in mortification.

  Father Dominic patted my back and chuckled. “It’s good you still have your sense of humor, Hannah.”

  “Hm.” She lay back down and fixed the tube in her nose as she inhaled.

  I took the used tissue from her hands, trying not to stare at the blood on it. I crumpled it in my fist.

  “Here we are with some ice water!” my aunt said in a much perkier voice than when she had left the room. She poured the water into a cup and dropped a straw into it. Handing it over to me, I helped Grandma take a deep sip.

  Father Dominic sat in the chair I had vacated. Aunt Lorraine sat on one near the wall, staring at Grandma drinking.

  “You’ll be missed at the singles meet and greet tomorrow night,” Father Dominic said.

  “Cassie can go in my place,” Grandma said.

  “What?” I looked back and forth between Grandma and the father.

  “One Sunday night a month I host a singles get-together at the church parish center. It draws a nice crowd of both parishioners and locals looking to meet people,” Father Dominic announced.

  “It’s like the youth group you used to go to in middle school and high school,” Aunt Lorraine indicated. “I’ll be there.”

  “I wish I could go. Some of the cafes and bakeries donate wonderful baked goods and desserts.” Grandma licked her lips and winked at me.

  “You go mainly for the food?” I asked on a smile.

  “And to watch the kids hookup. That’s what it’s called, right?” Grandma sipped more of her water.

  “In a way, yes.” Hookups were a big thing fifteen years ago when I used to go to the church youth groups. The boys would scope out the girls and ask for phone numbers. A few, if they were lucky enough to escape from the watch of the chaperones, would sneak away and find a room to make out in. I never had the chance because of my lack of interest in the boys in my class. By the time I was a junior in high school, I had stopped going, which coincided with my own crisis of faith because of my attraction for women, specifically Freddie.

  “We would love to have you back.” Father Dominic eyes twinkled in joy.

  Who was “we”? Have me back? I felt exposed when he and Grandma stared at me as if I had accepted the invitation.

  Aunt Lorraine kept quiet, although she looked pleased by my discomfort.

  “I’m not sure I’ll be free tomorrow night. I have to catch up on some work. I also do some freelance graphic design outside of my full time job,” I explained, hoping Father Dominic would ask about my work and not about my personal life—meaning my love life.

  “Oh, I just remembered, the print shop called the day before I was admitted here. The flyers for the book sale next month are finished. They have to be picked up and distributed.” Grandma nudged me in the side. “You should pick up the flyers with Father Dominic and hand them out to the local businesses.”

  “That’s a great idea.” He clapped.

  “But don’t you want me to stay here with you?” I didn’t want to leave her alone, not knowing if, the next time I saw her, she would be awake…or breathing.

  She yawned and drew her arms under her blanket. “I’m going to take a nap before Dr. Trepman comes in to poke me. Lorraine can keep me company. After you hand out the flyers, you can come back. Is that okay, Father?”

  With a toothy grin, he stood. “A wonderful idea.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Aunt Lorraine piped up.

  “I’m outnumbered,” I grumbled.

  When I turned to Grandma, her eyes were closed and she snored.

  ***

  “Lovely day for a walk.” Father Dominic rubbed his gloved hands together and hunched down in his coat as we strolled down Main Street.

  The temperature was near freezing, but there wasn’t a breeze, and the sky was free of clouds. The sun kept us warm as we walked. Stopping inside the various businesses we visited to leave flyers also helped thaw us out. I was surprised by the number of people who welcomed the father. We ended up staying more than a few minutes as we chatted with customers and business owners. Once they heard I was Hannah Slazak’s granddaughter, they were more than happy to help spread the word about the church book sale.

  “When it’s warmer out, I usually walk to work since it’s not far from my apartment. I also jog in the park,” I said, hiding my nose in my scarf.

  “I’ve been to Boston many times. It’s a nice city to visit in the spring. So much to see and do there.” He sent me a side glance. “Have you been to Trinity Church or the Old North Church?”

  “Nope. But I do know Old North Church by reputation. That’s where the lanterns were lit in the tower for Paul Revere’s ride in 1775.”

  “You know your history.” He sounded impressed.

  “There’s so much history in the city. I spent most of my fresh
men year in college sightseeing. I love living there.”

  “But you must get homesick. Delpoint has a special place in your heart.”

  At one time, it had, but now, I really couldn’t say if I belonged here. If not for my grandmother and my aunt, there wasn’t any reason to visit. If I were on better terms with Freddie, maybe I would have come back more often. But then, if I hadn’t fallen for Bianca the way I did my first year away, I would have lived here permanently. Then my relationship with Freddie would have evolved into something deeper.

  Father Dominic paused and laid his and on my arm. “Is something wrong? Are you thinking of your grandmother?”

  “Grandma’s always on my mind. I was just thinking how different my life would have been if my parents hadn’t died, or if I hadn’t gone away to Boston for college.”

  “I believe we who choose our own destinies, but there’s a force guiding us in the right direction.”

  “When you say force, you mean God?” I slipped my hands in my coat pockets and walked forward.

  “God is all around us, but I don’t have to tell you that.” He walked alongside me. “Will you come to mass with your aunt while you’re visiting?”

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I haven’t attended mass in a long time. Not since high school.”

  “You used to be involved in the church. I remember you would come to either five thirty mass on Saturday evening or the next morning with your grandmother and aunt. You always came to the various events and parties at the church. What happened to make you turn your back on your faith?”

  I really didn’t want to explain myself, least of all him. I knew he wouldn’t get angry or upset at me, and would actually be understanding, but how could I tell him the reason I wasn’t a practicing Catholic was because I was gay?