All Your Love

by K T Grant

  I nodded, forcibly keeping my hand at my side instead of twirling my hair like I used to do in high school. Father Dominic sat with the chief at a round table near the drinks. The chief saluted me with his cup. I smiled and waved at him.

  Aunt Lorraine glanced over her shoulder and then back at me. Her happy expression vanished.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as she drew me back toward the coatrack at the front of the room.

  “Nothing.” She held out a hanger. “Why don’t you hang your coat and then write your name on a name tag and grab something to eat or drink? I’m heading to the kitchen to see if Freddie and Glory need help carrying things out.”

  Freddie was here. Maybe she would stay in the other room for most of the night, or until I left. I only hoped we wouldn’t have another nasty altercation.

  “Okay. I’ll say hello to Gerald.” I purposely brought up her boyfriend, or lover, whatever role he played in my aunt’s life.

  “I think it’s better if you mingle with people your own age.” She looked back at the chief who now sat alone. He stared over the top of his cup at us. His eyes held a hard glint that told me something unfortunate had happen between them.

  “You fought with him?” I hung up my coat and crossed my arms over my chest.

  Aunt Lorraine tugged on her cross. “We had a disagreement, that’s all. It will blow over. Now, I should—”

  “Grandma told me about your former relationship with the chief. She doesn’t want you to make any more sacrifices, and wants you to be happy,” I blurted. Not a great place to bring it up, but maybe if I was upfront, she would tell me the story behind the man she once loved and still loved.

  Her cheeks reddened and she grimaced. “I’m trying. But the ghosts of the past remain. We’ll talk later. I promise.” She left me more confused than ever. Whatever worried her must be big. If she wouldn’t explain why, then I would go to another source.

  I didn’t bother with a name tag but went right to the chief. His sleeves were rolled up near his elbows, and a bulky sports watch covered his left wrist. He also wore black jeans, and not the business-type slacks or trousers I had seen him in prior. I was surprised the top section of his shirt was unbuttoned, and he wore a cross, but silver unlike my aunt’s gold one.

  “Hi, may I join you?” I asked.

  “Sure.” He stood and pulled out the chair next to him.

  The first time a man pulled a chair out for me. I couldn’t stop the blush rising on my face. “Thanks.” I sat down.

  He motioned to the table of drinks. “Can I get you something?”

  “No, I’m good for now.” He retook his seat and sipped from his cup. I stared at the entrance, waiting for Freddie to make an appearance. We needed to clear the air, especially after our uncomfortable discussion yesterday at The Cozy Café. Maybe if I asked her to speak me to me in the—

  “You don’t look happy to be here, or at the least with me,” the chief said with a question in his tone.

  “It’s not you. I’m happy I found someone I know I can talk to.” I stopped rubbing my palms together and folded my hands on the table. “I-it’s just that I haven’t been to church in a long time, and I wasn’t really interested in coming tonight, but my grandma and Father Dominic talked me into it. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t seem thrilled to be here either.”

  He snorted in his cup and then chucked it in the garbage can behind us. “I’ve been coming to these types of parties at the church since I returned to Delpoint. That’s when I first talked to your aunt again. But, after tonight, I’m not sure if I’ll come back.”

  “Why? Is it because you aren’t single anymore?” I asked in a sly voice, figuring he had to admit he and Aunt Lorraine were a couple.

  He slung his arm over the back of his chair and twisted to the side to face me. Deep lines bracketed his mouth, and his six o’clock shadow was more prominent.

  “I thought I was in a relationship, but your aunt tells me otherwise.” He drew his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Lorraine is so stubborn.”

  “She’s usually pretty easy going.”

  “Not with me.” He glared toward the entrance like I had done when I entered. “She can’t forget the past or forgive herself for the way things ended between us all those years ago. Because of that, we can’t move forward.”

  “I don’t know the whole story with you and my aunt, but you seem great together.” I wanted to know the full story about him and Aunt Lorraine, but unfortunately this wasn’t the time or the place. But I would still give out advice and hoped it help. “Maybe whatever is going on with my aunt is because my grandma is so sick?”

  “It’s not because of your grandmother.” His chin dipped toward his chest in full brooding mode. “I asked Lorraine to marry me over Christmas. She still won’t give me an answer. I finally grew impatient and said I wanted an answer from her today. If she said yes, we would have told everyone here tonight.”

  “But she didn’t,” I said softly.

  “She says she’s not ready. She gives excuses how marriage isn’t for her and she thinks I’m still in love with my wife.” His voice broke. “My wife died seven years ago from a stroke. She was a great partner and friend who gave me two wonderful sons, both of whom have met your aunt and don’t have a problem with her joining our family. I want to grow old with Lorraine, like I had planned on doing the moment I fell in love with her when I was ten years old.”

  “You’ve loved her for all these years?”

  “For over forty years.”

  My jaw dropped as the impact of his statement blindsided me. I had heard such love existed, but it was the first time I witnessed it. I did believe in the power of love and how precious and beautiful it could be, but there was also a downside that included selfishness and greed.

  “You know Aunt Lorraine was engaged?”

  “Yes, to—” He inhaled and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “I know all about her engagement. But the reason she won’t marry me isn’t because she’s still mourning him or dedicated to his memory. She doesn’t think she deserves to be happy because of what happened between us as kids.”

  “Grandma says Aunt Lorraine’s mistakes are more like sacrifices. You’ll have to show my aunt she has made enough sacrifices and you’ve forgiven her for whatever she did to you.”

  “I’ve forgiven her one hundred times over. I don’t know how else to prove that to her.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and he slumped in his seat.

  Aunt Lorraine walked back in the room with two plates of cookies and pastries. She didn’t look in our direction as she joined to a group of women near the food table.

  “I once had someone very special in my life, but because of a big mistake I made, I destroyed our friendship and the love we had for one another.” My breath hitched as I remembered when I told Freddie I had fallen in love with Bianca. “Like you and my aunt, I was friends first with this person who stood by me through rough times, but then I pushed her away because I thought I had found someone better to be with.” I twisted a curl around my finger. “Years later, the way I treated her still haunts me, and I’m afraid I don’t know how to make her forgive me.”

  The chief set his hand on my shoulder. “She lives in Delpoint?”

  I nodded, pressing my lips together to stop them from quivering.

  “It looks like we’re both in a pickle.”

  I burst out laughing, and the chief winked. “My mother used to say that all the time.”

  “I have too many pickles to deal with at the moment.” Aunt Lorraine talked with the three women who devoured the cookies she brought out. Something was off with her because she played with her cross, and had been doing so since she came back in the room. She didn’t want to be here either. But maybe that would change if the chief talked to her alone.

  “If I remember correctly, there’s a quiet room down the hall near the back entrance for meditation. It’s always open, but the door locks from the inside. It would be
the perfect place for you to convince Aunt Lorraine to marry you.” I slipped into the quiet room a few times when I had tagged along with Grandma. It was around the time I was going through puberty and questioning my budding attraction for the same sex, specifically Freddie. I often found the answer to my problems in the quiet room. I finally admitted my feelings to Freddie there. She didn’t reject me—she gave me my first kiss.

  “I’m not going to seduce your aunt on church grounds.” The chief looked horrified even though there was a shrewd glimmer in his eyes.

  “I would never suggest such a thing. I’m recommending you talk to one another before things get so out of hand you won’t be able to fix it.” Aunt Lorraine left the room again and I nudged him in the side. “When she comes back, tell her you need to speak to her and take her to the quiet room.”

  “And keep her locked in there until she agrees with me?” he asked, scratching his bristly cheek.

  “Maybe it won’t come down to that. The quite room has a reputation of making wishes come true.” It had for me, if only for a short time.

  He slapped his knees and rose. “I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. Probably never.”

  “Good luck.” I gave him the thumbs up sign.

  With a wave, he marched out of the room.

  The weight on my shoulders vanished. It felt good to help someone else, and somewhat therapeutic to talk about my emotional demons plaguing me over Freddie. Perhaps I should take my own advice and talk to her honestly like I should have done so many years before?

  I stood with that in mind, but then my cell phone gave off a series of vibrations. I took my phone out of my purse and read the first text message. My legs wobbled and a sharp pain hit me in the side. Bianca had read my email. She didn’t like what she had read.

  Cunt! Bitch! Fuck you! Burn in Hell…

  These words, along with the long rambling text filled with insults and anger made my stomach roll. Tears welled in my eyes, and I gnawed a flap of skin away from my lip. The sharp, penny-like taste of my blood hit my tongue, combined with the throbbing of my abused lip. Remaining calm so not to bring any attention to me, I grabbed my coat and left the room. I didn’t run outside to my car or sit on the steps. I darted down the hall and opened the door to the church upstairs.

  I sat in the corner of the back pew, sniffling and crying in the dimness of the church I once had been proud to be a part of. Now I felt more alone than ever before. Who was I kidding? For years I had been alone, cut off from those who cared about me and my welfare, choosing to be with someone who took advantage of me.

  I flung my cell down the pew and hunched over, sobbing loudly. Lost in my misery, I didn’t notice someone sliding into the pew until she said my name.

  I sat up, wincing at the shooting pain in my lower back. Freddie stared down at me in concern.

  “What’s wrong? Is it your grandmother?” She reached over and took my cell.

  “Don’t read it,” I whispered and rocked forward.

  Her eyes widened, and she muttered something under her breath that sounded like a curse. I didn’t bother to correct her using such foul language in the house of God. Groaning, I covered my face, hiding my tears, my red face, and my chapped lips.

  She set the phone back down and pulled me in her arms. I didn’t argue. When she brushed back my hair, I pressed my face to her chest and cried again.

  She held me the entire time and didn’t interrupt as I had my emotional breakdown.

  Chapter Eight

  “We didn’t have to leave the church.” I sounded like a broken record.

  Freddie opened the door to the café. “Go inside and sit down.”

  “Yes ma’am,” I muttered, finding a table in the near empty café while Freddie approached two college-aged women behind the counter and talked with them.

  After I broke down in her arms at the church when I told her I would be okay and she could go back to the party, she’d simply guided me out of the pew and said she would take me to The Cozy Café to make me the hot chocolate I had enjoyed so much the other day.

  I didn’t comment on her lack of a coat as we walked the few blocks to the café. She didn’t act like she was cold. Perhaps her angry strides kept her warm. She gripped my hand tightly, as if worried I would break free and run away.

  I snorted under my breath and blew in my cold hands as they prickled from the heat inside the room. The place was empty, unlike the other day when Father Dominic and I had visited. As Freddie steamed milk, two women came from the back with their coats on and said their good-byes to Freddie.

  After the women left, I took off my coat, now comfortable as I defrosted. Freddie came over with a big mug with steam pouring out of it. She had donned a bulky faded sweatshirt that reached her mid-thigh and covered her hands. She set the mug down in front of me. “For you.”

  “Thanks.” I set my palm on the mug, enjoying the way the heat spread across up my arm.

  She snatched a handful of biscotti in clear cellophane and dropped it in the middle of the table. She unwrapped one and took a huge bite.

  I sipped my chocolate and closed my eyes, allowing the burst of cinnamon and nutmeg to fill my mouth and rush down my throat. The drink would be good, too, if doctored with Kahlua or some type of schnapps. Drowning myself in booze now wouldn’t be all that bad, especially if mixed with chocolate.

  “Feeling better now?” Freddie crinkled the plastic.

  I opened my eyes and took another sip of my drink. “I was thinking of how great this would be with schnapps, maybe peppermint.”

  She chuckled but then crossed her arms and gazed at me. “I should pass the idea to my parents. They want me to sell my drinks on The Horseman’s dessert menu in order to build up the café’s business.”

  “That’s a great idea.” I swirled the tip of my finger along the inside of the mug and scooped up some of the melted whipped cream. “The pastries you bought for the church party tonight were a success. Everyone there seemed to love them.”

  “But you didn’t have a chance to try any because your witch of a lover, or whatever the hell she is, bitch slapped you over the phone.”

  Flinching, I licked the cream from my finger then reached in my coat pocket, searching for my phone. It wasn’t there. My stomach jumped, and I dropped my purse on my lap, hoping I remembered to put it in there.

  “I can’t find my phone.” I hunted through my purse, worried.

  “I have it.” Freddie held my phone out to me. “At least the buzzing stopped along with the text messages that bitch sent you.”

  I held my purse instead of reaching for the phone. I wasn’t in the mood to read more horrible insults from Bianca. She had never used such horrible language or called me those things, even when we fought. I guessed my email really made her angry. “You’re not going to ask why she called me those nasty names? It’s the first time she’s ever done it.”

  Freddie put my phone on the table and glowered at me. “You’re making excuses for the way she acted? If anyone called me those names or insulted me like that, I would tell them to go to hell and cut them out of my life.”

  I palmed my mug and took a deep sip to clear my throat. “You’ll be happy to know I was planning on cutting Bianca out of my life. I sent her a long email explaining my feelings and how I was finished with lies and secrets now that she’s engaged. I guess she didn’t like what I had to say.”

  Freddie’s eyes widened as she looked taken aback. “She’s getting married?”

  “To her ex-boyfriend from high school. They stayed friends all this time, and he is one of her father’s lawyers. She thought I would be okay with being her dirty little secret and remain her…mistress. Is that what I would be if I let things stay the same between us?”

  A hiccup caught in my throat. The hot chocolate I’d enjoyed threatened to come back up. “Oh God, I’m a mess.” I dropped my face onto my arms on the table.

  Freddie moved a chair over to sit next to me. She rubbed my back
and then the top of my head. “Please don’t cry anymore. I hate seeing you so upset.”

  When she sniffed, I raised my head. Her eyes were watery and her nose red. I didn’t stop to think as I pressed my fingers to her cheek. “Upset?”

  “In so much pain.”

  “But you should be happy I finally got what’s coming to me.” I stroked the pads of my fingers down her cheek, stopping at her chin.

  I waited for her to push my hand away, but she placed it on her knee, and linked our fingers together.

  The depressing and agonizing pain lessened as her comforting clasp gave me the courage to speak to her in a way I would have never thought to because I was afraid of the rejection and the possible hate she still had for me. “Do you still hate…despise me?”

  She wiped the corners of her eyes with her fingers. “At first I was livid at you for what you did to me, to us. Then the pain lessened and I moved on, doing everything I could to forget you. But.…”

  “But what?” I squeezed her hand, hoping she would be honest, no matter how hard it might be to hear.

  “No one could come close to the way I felt when I was with you. I had my—”

  She released my hand and combed her fingers through her hair. “I thought this would be a quick talk where I give you some sympathy and advice on what you’re going through with….” She grimaced, like she tasted something sour. “I’ve changed my mind. Would you help me close up for the night? Then we can go upstairs to my apartment to discuss things.”

  The last time we’d discussed things was when I told her about my cheating with Bianca. There was so much anger and hurt that we had both said horrible things, the majority of them from Freddie. I had been the one to leave and ended all communication, mainly from my guilt and responsibility for ruining our friendship and love. But now we were older and more mature. Also, I’d sensed a change in her attitude ever since she found me sobbing in church reading Bianca’s texts.

  “Sounds like a good idea. I’ll just call my aunt to tell her I’m with you so she doesn’t worry.”