Yon Ill Wind

by Piers Anthony

  “No, you don't have to do that,” Sean said. “Don't let her push you around.”

  “What is solitaire?” Chlorine asked.

  “It's a card game,” Karen said. “Actually there are many kinds, and some can be played by two or three people at once. I'll show you.”

  Sean and David moved out, and Chlorine and Nimby joined Karen at the table for instruction in solitaire. Soon they were deep into it. Chlorine had the usual miscues of a beginner, but Nimby seemed to be a natural player. Either he was extremely smart, or his general awareness of things acquainted him with the identities of the hidden cards. Or maybe both.

  How could a donkey-headed dragon be so talented?

  Mary wasn't sure, but suspected that the relationship of animals to humans was different in Xanth. Animals were smarter here. That business with their own pets was eerie, it was just as if they had developed almost human intelligence and restraint. And Tweeter had warned them about the approach of the flying monsters, back at the rest stop.

  Or had he? Nimby had claimed to listen to the bird, and written a note. It could have been Nimby doing it.

  It became important for Mary to know. The drive was quiet now, as Sean accompanied Jim up front, and both Nimby and Chlorine were involved in Karen's game. David was watching the game, about to get involved himself.

  So she should be able to do a little experimentation without attracting attention.

  She went back to where the pets were. “Woofer,” she said, and the dog perked up. She unsnapped his leash, freeing him. “How smart are you, now?” she asked quietly.

  Woofer wagged his tail.

  “Suppose I tell you to look out the left window?”

  The dog looked out the left window.

  Mary controlled her reaction. “Suppose I ask you to open Tweeter's cage?”

  Woofer turned to the birdcage, set teeth and paw to the catch, and worked it open.

  “Tweeter, suppose I tell you to go perch on Karen's head?”

  The bird flew out and landed on the girl's head. Karen was so preoccupied she didn't notice.

  “Midrange.”

  The cat sat up and gazed at her.

  “Suppose I ask you to roll over?” This was not a trick the cat had been taught.

  Midrange rolled over.

  “You animals do understand me, don't you?”

  The cat nodded.

  “If we treat you three with the respect due intelligent and disciplined entities, will you behave accordingly?” Midrange nodded.

  “Then we shall do so. Do you know why you are now so smart?”

  The cat shook his head.

  “I think it is because of the magic of this land. It seems that magic dust is getting stirred up, and causing numerous disruptions, including enhancement of the intelligence of animals.” She was speaking in a deliberately advanced manner, testing the limits. “Does that make sense to you?”

  Midrange considered, then slowly nodded.

  “But as you know, there are also some formidable dangers here,” Mary said, surprised by how readily she was accepting this new relationship with their pets. “So I hope you will remain close by, when we go out of the RV, and will also warn us, as Tweeter did, when the situation warrants.”

  Midrange agreed again, then wandered off to find a suitable place to catnap.

  Mary returned to her seat. She had satisfied herself that Nimby had not been faking it; he had understood bird talk, and the bird had talked.

  Now Mary realized that night had fallen. She had been distracted by her investigation and not realized it. They had spoken of driving through the night, but now she was not at all certain this was wise. She didn't want Jim suffering deadly fatigue, when any accident could strand them in a really strange situation. “Dear, maybe we should look for a place to stay the night,” she called.

  “Is it safe to stop that long?” he asked.

  Chlorine looked up from the card game. “Is it safe, Nimby?”

  Nimby wrote a note: This vehicle has outdistanced the storm. It is safe to pause until dawn.

  “Good,” Mary said. She was catching on to the way of these things. “Where is a good place to stay? A camping park with some facilities would suffice, but I think I'd rather find a hotel where we can really unwind for a few hours.”

  There is an imp settlement near. The imps are courteous to visitors from afar, if the right village is chosen.

  “Then that is where we should stop,” Mary decided.

  Soon Nimby indicated a side road, and Jim took it. It led to a sign saying IMPOSSIBLE, with an arrow to the right, but Nimby indicated that this wasn't the right one. A little farther was a sign saying IMP RISON, with an arrow to the left, but it seemed this wasn't right either. Mary was inclined to agree; she wouldn't want to stay at either Impossible or Imprison, considering the literal tendencies of this land. Finally a sign said IMP ERIAL, and this one was good. Mary was glad; Imperial had a quality ring to it.

  The village was small but elegant. The jungle had been cleared back somewhat, and there were neat little gardens and nice little houses. In fact, everything about this community seemed small scale.

  Following Nimby's indications, they drew up to the largest building in the village. Its structure suggested that it was an enormous hotel, but it was only about two human stories tall.

  Though it was night, tiny figures were scurrying about carrying torches. Each was under one foot tall—the females significantly under. But apart from that they appeared to be fully human. They were carrying things from their little houses into the forest.

  “What are they doing?” Chlorine asked.

  Nimby wrote a note. They are carrying their gems to the safety of a deep cave.

  “Oh, because of the approaching storm,” Chlorine said.

  “That makes sense.”

  They got out of the RV, stretching their legs after the long confinement. Woofer, Tweeter, and Midrange joined them, perfectly behaved. The hotel door opened and a man and a woman emerged. He looked to be in his seventies, by the human scale, and she in her fifties. “Hello, huge folk,” the woman said, her voice clear despite her tiny size. “I am Quieta Imp, and this is my father. Imp Ortant.

  We are the leaders of this community, so we run the hospitality domicile. Do you wish to accept our hospitality?” There was a pause. Then Mary stepped in. “Yes we do, please. But we—we're not sure your building is big enough for us.” She glanced meaningfully at the foot-high main door.

  “Oh, it has an accommodation spell,” Quieta said. “It will do. Come in.”

  Somewhat dubiously, Mary stepped forward. As she approached the building, it seemed to shimmer, and suddenly it was human size. Quieta and Ortant Imp were human size too.

  “What happened?” Mary asked, startled.

  “You have been accommodated,” Quieta said. “See, the others in your party haven't, yet.”

  Mary turned. There behind her stood several giants, thirty to forty feet tall. Even their animals were terrifyingly large. “Oh!” she said, feeling faint.

  Quieta stepped up to take her arm. “I'm sorry; I didn't realize how new this must be to you. Are you by any chance Mundane?”

  “Yes,” Mary said faintly.

  “The spell is harmless. It merely makes the various parties seem to be the same size. So we are about two and a half times as big, and you are about one two and a halfth as big, or small, as the case may be. But those outside the spell region don't see that, and to them we all look impishly small, while to us they look humanly big.”

  “To be sure,” Mary agreed, not able to argue whatever point there might be.

  Now Chlorine stepped forward. She shimmered, and became Mary's size. “Aren't accommodation spells wonderful?” she asked rhetorically. “I've never been in one before, but I love it. I thought they were only for when folk of quite different sizes wished to summon the stork.”

  “To what?” Mary exclaimed, shocked. But she realized that in this land of magi
c, storks might be literal, and that interbreeding of humans and imps might indeed be possible. “I mean, I'm surprised, that's all.”

  Chlorine beckoned the others, and one by one they stepped in, including the animals, who seemed almost as surprised as the humans. “Gee,” Karen said, summing it all up.

  “Come in,” Quieta said. “I will show you to your rooms while my father prepares the evening meal.”

  They followed her to an ornate staircase that wound up to a sumptuous second story. Quieta opened the door on a truly splendid suite. “Will this do?” she asked somewhat timidly. “It has four bedrooms and lavatories, with facilities for your animal companions.”

  “But we can't afford anything like this!” Mary protested.

  “Afford?”

  “What does this princely suite cost?”

  “Cost?”

  “Imps don't charge for their hospitality,” Chlorine murmured.

  “But we can't accept this!” Mary said.

  Quieta looked embarrassed. “I'm sorry; I thought it would be adequate. I will try to find better rooms for you.”

  “No, no!” Mary said. “It's not that. It's that this suite is so fancy, we don't have any right to take it, especially not without paying.”

  “But you are guests,” Quieta said.

  Mary looked at Chlorine. “This is the way of it? All this—with no charge? Just because we stopped here?”

  “Yes. I thought you knew. Of course, if we had stopped at Rison, it would have been much less comfortable.”

  “Imp-rison,” Sean murmured appreciatively.

  “Then it's all right?” Quieta asked hopefully.

  “Oh my dear, it's wonderful,” Mary said. “I simply had no idea it would be so fancy. We—we are used to much simpler accommodations.”

  “We imps take pride in our hospitality,” Quieta said, evidently relieved. “Will an hour be enough time before supper?”

  “Yes, of course,” Mary said. “And thank you, Quieta.

  Thank you so much. This is really nice.”

  “You are welcome,” the imp lady said, and departed.

  They explored the suite. There was a huge master bedroom, and three smaller ones, and a sitting room with several couches, and an alcove with what looked like dog food, cat food, and birdseed, as well as the two bathrooms.

  The master bathroom had a tub the size of a small swimming pool, while the other had a shower. “This is just so amazing,” Mary breathed. “Just to be hospitable.”

  The three pets were waiting expectantly, Mary realized why. “Certainly—indulge yourselves,” she said. They immediately went to the pet nook and started eating.

  “How about us?” David asked. “You adults have the master bedroom with the great bath, and Chlorine and Nimby have the first regular bedroom, but how do us kids split the other two?”

  Mary considered. “If one of you wants to sleep on a couch in the sitting room, you can all have rooms to yourselves. But one of you will have to share a bathroom with the one on the couch. Can you work that out between you?”

  All three nodded enthusiastically.

  “Then let's try to be ready for supper within the hour.”

  She glanced at Chlorine. “I didn't think—you do wish to share a room with Nimby? If not—”

  “That's fine,” Chlorine said. “Come on. Nimby—you still have some of that meatier shower stink. I'm going to scrub you clean.” She led the young man to their bedroom.

  Sean looked after them. “I wish I could get scrubbed clean by a creature like—” Then he realized that his mother was looking at him, and cut off, somewhat (but perhaps not sufficiently) embarrassed.

  Jim and Mary entered the master bedroom and closed its door. “Who first?” she asked, glancing at the enormous tub.

  “What, not together?” he asked.

  “You think this is our honeymoon?” she inquired archly.

  “In this suite, it. feels like it.”

  He was right. “Together,” she agreed. “But don't get fresh.” She went to run the water.

  This turned out to be interesting. There was only one tap, but when she turned it on, the water came out exactly the right degree of hot. The two towels were small, but when she touched one with her wet hand, it dried the hand immediately. There was one tiny bar of soap, shaped like a stone—obviously a soapstone—but when she dipped it in the water it made a big fluff of scented bubbles. There just might be some magic here. Well, she was getting used to that, in this magic land, and this was one of the first really pleasant surprises it had had for her.

  Soon they were both in the tub, scrubbing each other, and it was wonderful. Jim did get fresh, and she allowed it, because it did indeed feel like their honeymoon. “If every day were only like this,” she murmured.

  “I think we have been selling Xanth short,” he agreed.

  “It's like a powerful new computer program: at first you run afoul of all its traps, and they mess you up and drive you crazy, but then you start getting really into it, and you find out how nice it can be.”

  “Mmnun,” she agreed luxuriously.

  After that, things got somewhat out of hand, but it was worth it. Just so long as none of the children barged in on them.

  They were ready by the time the hour was up, bright and clean and in fresh clothing. So were the children, amazingly. And the pets, who evidently intended to join them downstairs.

  “But—” Mary started. Then she remembered how advanced the animals had become. “Of course.” The others glanced at her in surprise, but didn't comment.

  Quieta appeared promptly. “Right this way,” she said.

  They found themselves in a very nice dining chamber sized just about right for their party. Quieta went into the adjacent kitchen and emerged pushing a cart with a number of platters and pitchers. These turned out to have an assortment of meats, vegetables, pastries, breads, and beverages. “I would serve you, but I am not sure of Mundane tastes, so I brought a selection that you could choose from yourselves,” she explained. “I shall be happy to answer questions about what may be unfamiliar to you.”

  Sean reached for a pitcher. “This looks familiar. What is it?”

  “Boot rear.”

  He smiled. “Sure.” He poured himself a cupful. He took a good gulp—and jumped halfway out of his chair.

  “Hey!”

  Karen tittered. “Boot rear! I get it. Serves you right.”

  Mary eyed what looked like something scavenged from the meatier shower. “What is this, please?”

  “That is steak, from a steak-out tree.”

  Mary decided to risk it, and was rewarded with an excellent entree. The others followed suit, and did seem to enjoy the strange meal. They finished with eye scream, which turned out to resemble screaming eyeballs but tasted much like the confection they knew in Mundania.

  As they finished. Imp Ortant returned. “I shall try to entertain you, while Quieta does the dishes,” he said.

  “Maybe we should help with the dishes,” Mary said, feeling guilty again because they weren't paying for this.

  “No, the spells wouldn't work for you. How may I best help you to enjoy yourselves?”

  “I for one would like to know a bit more about your village, your society,” Jim said. “I haven't encountered imps before.” David and Karen looked as if they would rather watch TV, but Mary stifled them with a warning glance.

  Ortant, however, saw and understood the glance. “Perhaps the children would prefer to remain and watch the magic mirror,” he suggested. “While I give the adults a tour of our village.”

  “Magic mirror?” Karen asked, her interest suddenly revving up.

  The imp went to a large mirror at the end of the chamber. “Mirror, would you like to entertain two Mundane children?” he asked.

  A mouth appeared on the glass. It seemed to be a reflection, but there was nothing it could be reflecting from.

  “Why not? I'll show them the Magic Tapestry of Castle Roogna.�
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  “A tapestry?” David asked, disappointed.

  “The Tapestry shows any scene of Xanth you wish to see,” Ortant explained. “Most children find it quite interesting. Of course, it won't violate the Adult Conspiracy.”

  “Awwww,” they said together.

  “But it does show historical battles where dragons chomp people, men throw women into pits, and blood flows in rivers.”

  “Gee,” they said together again, their interest restored.

  Mary winced; apparently Xanth had the same standards as Mundania in this respect.

  David and Karen set chairs before the mirror. “Let's see that river of blood,” David said.

  The mirror showed a country scene with a bright red river flowing in the manner of a normal brook.

  “Aw, that's just colored water,” Karen said.

  The mirror's reflect-mouth appeared, superimposed on the scene. “Why don't you ask me to have the Tapestry trace up to the source of that river, where the blood is spurting from a wounded giant?”

  “Yeah!” they said together.

  Quieta arrived with a plate of pastries shaped like little vanilla wheels with chocolate spokes. “Here are punwheel cookies for you to eat while you watch,” she said.

  Mary masked her sigh. It seemed the children would be quite satisfied.

  “Right this way,” Ortant said, walking to the door. Jim, Mary, Sean, Chlorine, and Nimby followed- him. Mary hoped the tour wouldn't be as boring as the children had feared. But they had to take it, as a matter of courtesy, to reward the imps for their hospitality. With luck it wouldn't be long; then they could settle down for a night of blissful rest.

  The three pets came too. That made Mary think of something. “Woofer—maybe stay with the children?” she asked.

  The dog cocked his head at her, then nodded and turned back. He was Sean's pet, but he would guard the children.

  “Thank you,” Mary murmured, relieved. She had no reason to be suspicious, but she did not feel easy about leaving the children entirely alone among strangers. They would come to physical harm, literally, over the dog's dead body. And Woofer would probably enjoy the exploration of the river of blood too.