Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  “All right, we’re going in,” whispered Patrick, shoving something into Harry’s hand. “Most valuable items are going first.”

  Harry didn’t understand straight away what was going on, but when he saw that he was holding a gun in his hand everything suddenly sunk in.

  ***

  Sophia went back to the apartment feeling oddly calm, but her body told her that she shouldn’t have kissed Mason. At the same time she wanted to forget the sizzling memory of Harry, so she was willing to keep herself occupied with Mason. He wanted to see her again and he was just a safer choice.

  Her legs went weak. Luckily she was finally in front of her apartment because she was suddenly out of breath. The terrible feeling of anxiety filled her stomach again, and her dress stuck to her back, but she wasn’t going to do anything stupid. She closed her eyes for several seconds, trying to calm down, but instead the image of Harry crept through her mind.

  No no no, she had to stop thinking about him, he was the wrong person for her. She took a few deep breaths before she entered the apartment. Her hands were shaking, but her heartbeat slowed down. She plastered another smile on her face.

  “You’re back quite late! So, come, tell me how was it,” asked Vanessa, getting up.

  “There is nothing to tell,” muttered Sophia.

  “What? Are you joking? Of course there is, did he finally kiss you?”

  “Maybe.”

  “C’mon, don’t you dare keep this away from me. If you won’t have fun with hot Harry you may as well enjoy yourself with Mason.”

  Sophia grinned and Vanessa stood up, clapping with excitement. She needed to look happy in front of her friend. Vanessa only knew part of Sophia; the other darker side was hidden underneath her scars.

  “Oh my God, so you have finally kissed him. How was it?”

  Vanessa didn’t have to know about her day with Harry, she didn’t need to know he made her feel special and calm.

  “Good, I think. Well, he didn’t push me to do anything, he respects my decisions,” explained Sophia. Vanessa rolled her eyes.

  “What are you even talking about? Seriously, what’s that supposed to mean? Is he making your blood sizzle?”

  Sophia knew that Mason didn’t make her feel this way but she was willing to wait for the fireworks in her stomach. She wasn’t going to mention to Vanessa that one thought of Harry O’Donaghue caused the eruption of a volcano in her belly. Not only did her blood sizzle, but also her entire body, mind, and soul.

  “I am sorry, but I don’t want to talk about it. I am tired and I am going to bed,” said Sophia.

  “Hold on, don’t you want to know what is going on between me and Tim?” asked Vanessa, scratching her head.

  “Okay, go on then. I am sure you are dying to tell me.”

  “Well, he is taking me for a very special dinner this weekend.”

  Sophia arched her eyebrows. She already knew that Vanessa had changed her mind about being friends with her ex-boyfriend. Once she had him back she wasn’t going to let him go.

  “So I guess you are back together? What about that guy that you have been seeing?”

  Vanessa started chewing her lips and dropped onto the chair. Was she feeling guilty that she’d started something with another guy and she’d cut him off as soon as her ex-boyfriend was back in town?

  “Well, I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore. I am not falling completely back into Tim. He left me once before and I won’t let him do that to me again.”

  “Someone is going to get hurt,” muttered Sophia, but Vanessa ignored her. She wasn’t even thinking straight. She was playing with her new lover and the old boyfriend. They talked a bit more about Vanessa’s plans and briefly about Ramona’s visit. Sophia hated that she couldn’t open up to Vanessa as she used to. She wanted to tell her all about therapy and about Harry, but she had a mental block, she never liked talking to anyone about her feelings. Once the sharp object sunk through her skin everything in her life fell apart.

  Sophia went to bed late, and when she checked her phone, she had a few text messages from Mason. He was saying how much he enjoyed spending time with her and that he was hoping to see her again very soon. There was nothing from Harry and her stomach made another painful contraction. She should be happy not disappointed. Maybe he’d finally realised that they shouldn’t continue seeing each other.

  She woke up early the next morning, before six, lying still until the alarm went off. On the way to work she was feeling anxious again. Her day passed without surprises, although all day something was bothering her. Harry still didn’t try to call her at all. Was she supposed to be worried about him?

  Susan kept adding a few more offenders to her caseload and Sophia found herself very busy. She didn’t even realise when her day ended and it was time to go home. She was dreading Monday because she was going to see Harry for the first time since the incident in the lobby.

  Vanessa was working tonight so Sophia had the house to herself and she was going to take advantage of that. She had a good romance novel that she wanted to finish and a nice take away that she bought on her way home.

  Mason called in the evening asking her if she wanted to go out with him this weekend again. She politely declined, saying that she already made plans. She just didn’t want to rush things with Mason. She needed that control, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Harry. It was like someone was drilling inside her stomach when he was away from her. She wanted him, but she couldn’t have him.

  ***

  The time flew, and the weekend passed quickly. Sophia went to work on Monday feeling nervous and agitated. She wanted to look at his eyes and see if he already moved on, but all of her plans were ruined when she realised that her review with Harry was scheduled for next week. She’d arranged this appointment herself a few weeks ago but she was so absorbed with other work that she’d completely forgotten that she’d changed it later on.

  It wasn’t a good week for Sophia, all the hours of the day dragged. She didn’t see him. She could call him, but she knew that she shouldn’t. It was better that they left this where it was because nothing would ever come up between them. On Wednesday night she saw Mason again; it was a short, brief date, but Sophia enjoyed herself. They talked about Mason’s family and his life in Bristol. She found him irritating at times when he kept telling her about his ex-girlfriend, Maggie.

  Subconsciously Sophia knew that Mason wanted her. He kissed her again, this time with more passion and excitement. She was waiting for that spark, but the sizzling feeling that Vanessa was talking about never appeared. Nonetheless, Sophia was determined. Mason was the guy that her parents expected her to be with, he was just right for her. Everything was falling into place. She was dating a great guy, her best friend was coming to visit her tomorrow, and Harry was long forgotten. She was healed and the incident with the knife would never be repeated.

  Chapter twenty-three

  On Thursday evening she took a taxi to pick up Ramona from the airport. She couldn’t believe that it was already the beginning of August. Vanessa had changed slightly; she now expected Sophia to cook, clean, and she wasn’t shy about what she was doing in her bedroom with Tim when he stayed over. She was fed up of living with her, but this was her friend after all and she was her guest. She was looking forward to seeing Ramona to break up her routine with Vanessa.

  Sophia recognised her cousin straight away at the airport. Ramona had bright red curly hair and always wore short skirts and high heels. She had a Channel bag beside her and she was struggling with a large suitcase that probably cost a fortune.

  “Oh my! Sophia, you look so good. Belfast is treating you well I see,” squeaked Ramona, nearly knocking Sophia off her feet. She thought that she was going to suffocate when Ramona finally let go of her. Her boobs were out and she’d probably just had a spray tan. She was glowing.

  “Well you look even better,” chuckled Sophia as they were walking through the terminal.

  “You kn
ow that I always make an effort because you never know what or who you are going to bump into. For example, I saw a really cute business man sitting behind me …”

  Ramona was single but she was never lonely. Michelle didn’t like her, even though Ramona was her niece. They’d become close when Vanessa left to live in Ireland. Her cousin was very different from Sophia; she was loud, outspoken, and she always did what she wanted.

  “Anyway, enough about me. Tell me, what is the situation with that bad boy of yours?”

  “There is no situation at the moment, Ramona. I haven’t seen him since the incident in the lobby.” Sophia shrugged, hoping to brush off this subject.

  “But I thought that things had progressed since you saw him last, mon chere.”

  “I am dating Mason now. We have kissed and I—.”

  “Wow, hold on and say that again?” interrupted Ramona, stopping her. Sophia sighed. She knew that she should have wait for this conversation until she was home.

  “Let’s just go and then I can tell you all about this with a nice glass of wine.”

  “You can fill me in on this story in the car. By the way, you are right. I need a drink,” said Ramona. They found the car rental company and they were soon on the road. Sophia told her all about Mason in the car. Ramona listened, and as usual she muttered that Sophia shouldn’t have ditched Harry. Ramona never took any crap from anyone and was always upfront about her opinions.

  “Sooner or later I will see him then I can tell you if he is good enough for you,” muttered Ramona staring at her Tom Tom while trying to find the way to her hotel.

  “Well I am perfectly capable of deciding if he is good enough for me, thank you very much.”

  “I am not so sure, sugar plum. You have been locked up for too long, so you cannot recognise the good guys that are bad for you.”

  Sophia didn’t say anything else, she didn’t want to dwell on this discussion. They arrived in front of a swanky looking building within half an hour. Ramona checked in, left her vehicle in the car park, and suggested they going out for a drink. Sophia wasn’t working the next day so she agreed. They were going to Dublin tomorrow morning for a short trip, so they couldn’t have a late night. Recently Ramona had opened a tattoo studio. She was always very productive, but was never interested in finishing a good school.

  After changing her outfit, Sophia took Ramona to the best bar in Belfast. Following a few drinks, Ramona filled Sophia in on the news from London. She talked about her recent trip to Scotland and her romance with a local farmer.

  “My mother went to see your mother the other day,” Ramona said, sipping her cocktail and switching the subject quickly.

  “And?” asked Sophia feeling her stomach tighten with uneasiness.

  “Well, you know Michelle. She didn’t even mention that you are in Ireland. She still keeps pretending that you are working with your father.”

  Sophia shouldn’t be surprised; her mother just needed to keep a certain image and her sister didn’t need to know that her daughter refused to work with her own father.

  “How are you anyway? Have you had any crisis?”

  Ramona’s voice was gentle and she was asking if Sophia had used the knife again. Her cousin’s light brown eyes gleamed with anticipation, but Sophia didn’t want to ruin her stay.

  “I am fine. Gee, Ramona, can you stop being like my mother?” she muttered.

  Ramona narrowed her eyes and exhaled.

  “Come on, I am just fucking worried right. I am only asking, don’t be in a mood with me.”

  “All right, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said it, but stop asking if I cut myself again or not. I am fine and tomorrow we are going to Dublin to have some fun,” continued Sophia, finishing her drink.

  “Wow, girl, I like that new confident you. Yeah, come over after ten and then we’ll shove off.”

  “Fine. I am looking forward to seeing Dublin.”

  “So tell me, have you been going out a lot with your old friend Vanessa?” Ramona continued her questioning.

  “I have been out yes, but not that often. I am slowly making progress, trying to adjust to freedom.” Sophia sighed. Ramona giggled, looking impressed.

  “I was hoping that you would, but I still can’t believe that your parents haven’t dragged you back to London yet.”

  “Maybe they are trying to let me decide what to do with my life.”

  “Nah, I don’t think so. I expect them to show up here soon,” said Ramona, licking her lips.

  “Ram!”

  “I am sorry, I am only winding you up. You are right, it’s a work in progress.”

  “Yes it is. I feel better being here on my own,” admitted Sophia.

  “I have been telling you for years that you needed to get away from London, but you never listened,” added Ramona.

  They talked more, and around midnight they decided to call it a night. When Sophia was walking back to the apartment she felt much more relaxed. The conversations with Ramona were always intense, but she was glad to have her cousin close again. Before she went to bed she received a text message from Mason. She was planning to introduce Ramona to him on Sunday, but she wasn’t looking forward it. Ramona was always very judgmental of everyone and it was difficult to please her.

  Vanessa had a busy weekend ahead of her working; she was still sleeping when Sophia left in the morning. It was a cloudy day as Sophia entered Ramona’s hotel. The girls had a quick breakfast in the restaurant and then they got into Ramona’s car. Sophia never learnt how to drive; she was going to have some lessons before the day that her mother found her, but after that everything fell apart.

  The journey wasn’t supposed to be long. Dublin was only a two hour drive from Belfast, but the traffic was bad, so it was early afternoon before they got to Dublin. The girls checked in the hotel and decided to spend all day walking throughout the town taking pictures. They visited a few museums and galleries, famous pubs, and Malahide Castle. Finally, in the early evening, they sat down and enjoyed a cocktail in a funky bar in the city centre. Ramona, as usual, ranted about what was happening in London, about the fact that she finally needed to settle down with someone. Sophia knew that this wasn’t going to happen anytime soon; her cousin always wanted to have fun and she’d never had a serious relationship before. She liked her freedom too much.

  “I’ve got to tell you something,” Ramon said unexpectedly as they were enjoying a quiet drink in one of the bars in the centre of Dublin.

  “What is that?”

  Ramona hesitated and Sophia looked at her intensely. She never hesitated to say anything.

  “Your father came to see me the other day.”

  Sophia instantly felt that she needed more air. Her father had never spoken to Ramona about Sophia, but he knew that they were close. Ramona brought back some unexpected, bad memories from the past for Sophia.

  It had been three months and twenty one days since I was brought to the hospital. My days were filled with stupid and pointless exercises that weren’t helping. My doctor thought that I was making progress, but I felt empty all the time, my body is filled with drugs. I couldn’t think straight. I felt dizzy and unwell.

  I didn’t have panic attacks anymore, but my anxiety came and went. Mum still pretended that we were all a big happy family, but Dad didn’t visit me at all. He was probably ashamed of me. I was not sure what to say to my mother when she came to see me. My mind was filled with thoughts about afterlife, about the place where I could breathe. I was treated like some kind of freak in a cage. I kept asking my mother when l would be allowed to leave but she never responded.

  During a session with my doctor I aimed to open up about what went wrong. I told him everything. He knew about the pressure and the grades, and he knew that I was not happy. I am not sure if he mentioned anything to mum or dad. I didn’t blame them for what had happened to me because they wanted to be the best for me.

  Doctor Williamson asked me to work on breathing exercises, but instead
I locked myself in the bathroom, stripped, and stared at my scarred body for several minutes. I heard the other girls in the ward; they were whispering that I made myself look ugly so that no one would ever want me. Deep inside me I wanted to do it again, because I knew when I would be allowed to get home my mother would want me to get back to a normal life. She probably filled her rich friends with lies about me, she wouldn’t tell them the truth. Dad didn’t even acknowledge that I had a problem. Mum kept saying that he was busy in the office.

  Some nights I dug my nails into my skin and when I saw the blood everything was perfect again, but in the morning the nurse just shook her head and said that I had to start all over.