Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  It was Monday, the day Sophia was ready to see Harry. It had been a few weeks since she saw him last after the incident in the lobby. She wasn’t sure what she was going say to him. Her phone was still silent and Harry hadn’t come back to the apartment. Ramona was going back to London in a few hours and she wouldn’t have a chance to see her again until September. Sophia had a really good weekend and managed to forget about Harry for a day or two.

  She quickly packed some lunch and then she was on her way to the office. The rain was pouring on the streets of Belfast when she left her apartment. She felt slightly tired and her stomach was tight with anticipation. Mason sent her a text message wishing her good luck at work.

  She went through the list of offenders that she was going to see. Harry would be with her at two o’clock, so she had some time to prepare. One of her colleagues brought her coffee and started to complain about her busy day. Sophia listened and nodded politely. At nine o’clock her day began as usual. She was trying to stay on top of things, but in the back of her mind she was seeing Harry walking through the door.

  Then at twelve the phone rang and Sophia picked it up.

  “I’ve got a Mrs. O’Donaghue on the line for you,” said Mary-Ann with a sleepy voice. Sophia straightened her body and swallowed hard. He isn’t going to make it today, otherwise why would his mother call? she thought, trying to stay calm.

  “Yes please, just transfer her,” she said with a small voice. She waited a few seconds for Harry’s mother to be put through.

  “Hello, Mrs. O’Donaghue,” said Sophia.

  “Sophia, I am afraid that my son isn’t going to see you today. He is in the hospital,” explained Mrs. O’Donaghue, breathing heavily. The colour drained from Sophia’s face as she held the phone tighter.

  “What’s happened?” she managed to ask. There was silence on the other side of the phone for a while, and Sophia wanted to scream to find out what was going on. Her heart pounded fiercely in her chest.

  “He was beaten up badly last night, but apparently no one saw anything at all. Someone found him. He was lucky that he survived.”

  “Oh my God, is he conscious?”

  “He is in coma at the moment, but the doctor said that he should wake up soon. He has a broken leg, four broken ribs, and brain concussion.”

  Sophia sank back into her chair, imagining Harry. The world around her spun.

  “I need to see him, which hospital is he in?” she asked almost whispering.

  “Belfast City Hospital. I don’t think you would be allowed ...”

  “I will figure it out. Thank you for letting me know, Mrs. O’Donaghue,” she added and hung up. She covered her head with her hands, trying to breathe and gather her tangled thoughts. She couldn’t possibly go and see him, she was risking too much. She knew if he picked a fight, the police would call probation straight away. She wondered why no one informed her. The dread crawled through her chest down to her stomach.

  When she looked at her computer screen, her breath was ragged. Her diary was clear for the rest of the day. She had a lot of paperwork to go through, but that could wait. Margret was in charge today and if she told her that she wasn’t feeling well, she would let her go home. She had to see him, she couldn’t stay in the office knowing that Harry was in the hospital. It was so stupid that she’d decided to keep his secret. Maybe this attack had something to do with the fact that he was still dealing. God, she didn’t even want to think what would happen if he died.

  She got up and rushed to the toilet. Her stomach was rumbling and she wanted to throw up. She wanted him to be all right. A nervous hit ran through her body, the pulsing pain in her forehead was crushing her from inside. She rinsed her face under the cold water and made a decision. She was going to see him and tell the doctors that she was his girlfriend if they asked.

  She left the bathroom and went to Margret, making some excuse, telling her that she wasn’t feeling well. Her colleague believed her, muttering something that Sophia looked awfully pale. No one was paying much attention to her, when she picked up her belongings and vanished. She couldn’t think straight. She could only hope that there was no police involved, but they would probably have called her in probation, she would have been the first to know. She had some time to think about the plan.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Twenty minutes later, she let herself into her apartment. Logging onto her laptop, she checked the directions to the hospital. She was lucky that Vanessa wasn’t at home, so she could spare her the explanation. Her brain was working fast, thinking about all the possible scenarios. She had to hope that his mother wasn’t going to be there. She was still ill and weak, but she had to prepare to face her just in case.

  She got to the hospital a few minutes before two o’clock, feeling that her heart was going to jump out of her chest. When she thought about him lying there, lost and battered, her legs were going to give out. She had no idea where to go and what to expect. Nothing was clear when she got into the reception desk. Finally, after a very long wait, someone told her where he had been taken.

  Sophia was praying for him to be all right, she didn’t want to be an intruder; after all she wasn’t his family or even his friend. She reached the second floor and after walking for about twenty minutes she found the right room. With all her strength and with good acting skills, she convinced the nurse behind the desk that she was his girlfriend.

  “So, how is he?” she asked, feeling nauseous. She didn’t care that she’d broken all the possible rules. She needed to see him, touch him, and listen to his heartbeat.

  The nurse was a short woman with dark black hair and blue eyes. She wrinkled her forehead, staring at Sophia with unease.

  “He is stable at the moment, but when he was brought to us, we thought that we were going to lose him,” explained the nurse.

  “But he is going to wake up?” asked Sophia, squeezing her fists behind her.

  “We don’t know yet. The doctor is hoping that he will eventually wake up, but it’s hard to say. He needs to have a few more tests done. He was beaten very badly.”

  Sophia nodded, thanked her, and walked towards Harry’s room. When she opened the door and saw him her heart stopped beating. She couldn’t move, her limbs were rooted to the spot. His face was swollen, battered, with a mixture of purple and red bruises. There were tubes coming out from his mouth, and a large scratch running across his cheek. She swallowed her tears, trying to stay calm, but her legs were like jelly.

  After a long moment she approached his bed, wiping the sweat from her forehead. Harry was alone in the room. The white walls made Sophia claustrophobic, it reminded her about her own small hospital room. She wasn’t sure if she could breathe. All these forgotten feelings came back and haunted her. She felt her muscles tightening, making it impossible to think straight. She shut her eyes and concentrated on good memories. She was here for Harry, so she had to forget about everything else. It wasn’t important that she wasn’t comfortable being in his room. She flopped on the chair next to his bed and pushed away the anxiety. Her heart was throbbing and her T-shirt was clinging to her back.

  “Harry, I know that you can’t hear me, but I want to tell you that I was just afraid of being close to you,” she began. He wasn’t moving and she didn’t expect him to, but she felt better when she was talking.

  “I felt so alive for the first time in my life being with you during that day on the beach. I just want you to know that you are special and you have done nothing wrong. It’s me that has a problem. That day in the lobby I was just afraid that you would see the real me. You are perfect and I am so angry with myself that I ran away from you that day. That was so stupid and selfish, and I did it because I didn’t think that you would understand.”

  Tears were streaming from Sophia’s eyes as she was talking. Her heart was in her throat. He had to wake up, he couldn’t just stay like this. He had his whole life ahead of him.

  She sat there just looking at him, the seconds,
minutes, and hours passed and she couldn’t move. Finally the doctor came in and Sophia realised the time. She left, afraid that Harry’s mother might come and see her there. She wouldn’t be able to explain anything then. She went back to the apartment in the evening, feeling exhausted and down. When she looked at her phone, she had missed calls and messages from Mason, Ramona, and Vanessa.

  “Where the hell have you been?” shouted Vanessa as Sophia walked through the door. Sophia couldn’t respond; she was still shaking, unable to say anything. Vanessa looked at her and added, “What is going on? Have you been crying?”

  “Harry is in the hospital. He was beaten up and he is in coma,” she whimpered, pulling her hair away from her face.

  Vanessa’s jaw dropped and she brought her hands to her lips.

  “In a coma? Oh my ...”

  Sophia couldn’t control herself anymore, she was crying thinking how stupid she was pushing him away from her for so long. Now Sophia wasn’t even sure if she could talk to him.

  “Calm down and let’s sit down in the living room. Tell me what you know.”

  “I don’t know much. His mother called and told me that he was in the hospital. I panicked, I didn’t tell anyone about this in probation.” She sobbed harder.

  “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

  “Well they will know about it eventually. I went straight there, and when I saw him I broke down. Oh, Vanessa, I was so stupid. I pushed him away when he felt my scars …”

  She couldn’t continue and when she finally looked at Vanessa she knew that her friend didn’t understand. She took a deep breath and started talking about the incident in the lobby, not holding anything back. It was time for Vanessa to hear the whole truth. Sophia started telling her about self-harming, about the difficult situation with her parents and about the pressure in high school. Something broke inside of her and the words were just pouring out. Vanessa had gone pale; her eyebrow twitched when Sophia told her about the day her mother found her in her room. About the day when everything changed for the worst.

  “I think I went too far. I don’t remember why I did it. My mother was screaming and then I think I passed out. I don’t remember what happened then.”

  Vanessa was staring at her with shock and disbelief, her jaw hanging open. She swallowed hard, nodding for Sophia to continue.

  “Then I came to Belfast. My parents didn’t stop me when I was driving to the airport. I thought they wouldn’t let me go. I was crying on the plane because I was so happy to be finally away from them.”

  Then she told her about the first day when she met Harry and how much he disliked her. She was furious with him. Then he started talking to her and she found him appealing, then the attraction evolved between them. She told Vanessa about the first day when he kissed her and about their day at the beach. Then about how she pushed him away because he saw her scars.

  “When I heard his mother on the phone today I couldn’t believe it. My whole world crashed and I couldn’t take a breath. I was suffocating.”

  Vanessa still wasn’t saying anything, she was drawing a long, deep breath, staring at Sophia in bewilderment.

  “Why didn’t you say anything? I thought that you were all right. When I hadn’t heard from you I thought that you were busy or you didn’t want to talk to me,” she said, pacing around the room. Then she stopped and ran her hand through her hair. “Self harm, my God, Sophe, how could you do that to yourself? I mean, you were always so strong and aggressive about everything that you were doing!”

  Sophia remembered that person from years ago, it was before her parents wanted to have this perfect daughter, before they demanded that she had to up her grades. Everything was so much simpler then.

  “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but everything changed once you were gone. My mother kept looking up to my cousins. She was never happy with anything I was doing. She wanted to show me off to her rich friends.”

  “Are you all right now? I mean, you aren’t doing anything to yourself anymore?” asked Vanessa shyly.

  This was the worst part. Sophia wasn’t sure if she was able to tell Vanessa that after so many years of not needing that pain anymore she used Vanessa’s kitchen knife.

  “I was fine until the first date with Mason. He touched me unexpectedly and I just broke I had a panic attack and I ...”

  “You harmed yourself again?”

  “I did, but I have stayed away from it since then and I am in control now. I am not going back to that dark place again.”

  “Because of Mason, or because of Harry?”

  “I shouldn’t have gone out with Mason, it was all wrong from the beginning. After today I know that I made a terrible mistake,” she howled.

  “I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me anything sooner. Mason is probably a great guy, handsome with great manners, but I don’t see that spark between the two of you. However, I am sure you have feelings for him.”

  “This is all wrong. I shouldn’t have even been in the hospital. I told them that I was his girlfriend, and if probation finds out about us I am finished.”

  “Well you need to ask yourself what you want. Your career or Harry?”

  Sophia knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t brave enough to even think about it. She was just a coward, afraid of her parents and her complex past. She would curse God if he would take him away. She couldn’t imagine being without him.

  She went to bed after a shower. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to do about Mason. She could clearly see that she shouldn’t have given him any hope.

  Was this love? Did she fall for Harry because he pushed her away?

  ***

  The next day Sophia couldn’t concentrate much at work. She wanted to ask Margaret to transfer Harry to someone else. Every time she went to her she couldn’t bring herself to ask her. She was a coward. At the end of the day she made the decision to keep quiet. She was just too scared. When five o’clock struck, she went straight to the hospital, not thinking about what was wrong or right anymore.

  When she entered the hospital her pulse increased and her breathing hardened. This was her worst nightmare being around sick people. All the memories rushed back to her, she was back to the same place, the same small room. She stopped, breathing out and in, she was here for Harry.

  He was still lying in the same position with the same equipment looking pale and vulnerable. The skin around his eyes was yellow. Every time Sophia looked at him, she felt guilt that spread around her stomach, swirling through her bloodstream. She was sure that he was beaten up because of the drugs that he had been supplying. She sat next to his bed and talked. This time there wasn’t any barriers between them. She had to tell him everything even though he couldn’t hear her.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  “Harry, I am here again, because I am willing to tell you everything. I am not going to lie anymore. You need to hear how my life is much more fucked up than yours. I told you before that I used to live in London with my parents. When I was growing up I felt loved. Well, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t have anything. We were quite wealthy. My parents are entrepreneurs and they always looked after me. They had wide aspirations. When I turned sixteen they started to demand more from me. They expected me to have great grades. They didn’t like that I was more into sports rather than art like my cousin, Jessica. My mother hired a teacher that treated me like I was stupid. I stopped going out and seeing my friends because I had to study so my parents would be happy. Everything became a struggle. My mother kept telling me that she was ashamed of me.

  Sophia stopped talking and brushed her fingers over Harry’s hand. He was still breathing through the life support system. He had no idea that she was there, wanting him to wake up and take her back. Sophia sighed and wiped the tears off her face. She knew that she had to continue; somehow talking about her own life gave her some encouragement. Besides, Harry couldn’t hear her.

  “My story isn’t easy, it’s wrong an
d painful. I always had high self-esteem, but when everyone around you starts telling you that you aren’t worth anything it’s bound to bring you down. I don’t want to blame my parents for what they did to me, but after going back from school into an empty house I felt that I was under tremendous pressure. I constantly thought about my grades. I enjoyed running, but I couldn’t go out and train because I had to study. I remember well when I knew that I wasn’t the same person. It was after that afternoon with Aunt Lucy. When I got to my room I couldn’t breathe, I was losing my mind. Then I saw a pair of sharp nail scissors and cut myself with them. I don’t even remember now why I had to do it, but after that I felt amazing; numb and incredibly light. All my problems suddenly disappeared. My parents didn’t know anything about this. I was closed in my own little world; I had my own demons that I had to deal with. My grades weren’t any better, but I didn’t care. I found my own way of dealing with pressure, stress, and the way my parents talked to me. This happened shortly after my friend Vanessa left to live in Ireland. After that I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was always so uptight about everything that I did. She never told me that she loved me, or that I did well in school. My parents always demanded something from me. After that incident in my room I started cutting my body on a regular basis. I always made sure that no one would notice anything, so I used to cut through my stomach and thighs. My mind was filled with liberation and magic when I tore my skin to pieces.