Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  “Oh, Sophia, how nice to see you. Come on in,” said her Aunt Julie beaming. She looked a lot like her mother, thin face and straight blonde hair. Aunt Julia was more down to earth. Sophia liked spending time in her house when she was younger.

  “Good, I heard that Ramona was back?”

  “She is and she can’t stop talking about Budapest, she is organizing another trip in a few months,” chuckled Julia. “But how are you, darling? I meant to catch up with your mother recently, but she kept telling me that she was busy.”

  “Well I guess she is,” muttered Sophia. “I am fine.”

  “Are you sure? You don’t look fine.”

  “I am just not feeling well. I’ll tell my mum that you wanted to talk to her.”

  “Okay, darling, I will catch up with you later. I think the phone is ringing.”

  Sophia was so glad that she could just go upstairs and forget about the conversation with her aunt. She wasn’t ready to be questioned, and she didn’t want to talk about her mother. Ramona was waiting for her on the top of the stairs.

  “Hey, mon chere! I was just about to call you.”

  Sophia smiled and they both walked into Ramona’s room feeling that the heavy weight in her chest was back. Now she had to tell her everything.

  “I am so glad to see you.”

  “God, tell me about it,” sighed Ramona, sinking back on her designer chair. “But I want to know what’s up with you?”

  Sophia took a deep breath and started talking. She explained everything from the point when Ramona left. Throughout the story Ramona got up and paced around the room, muttering something under her breath. Normally she would interrupt Sophia, but this time she kept glancing at Sophia in shock. When Sophia mentioned the arrival of her father, the pictures that Mason took, Ramona lost it.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” asked Ramona with a husky whisper.

  “My father hired Mason so he could keep an eye on me. Mason was pretending to like me all the time.”

  “What a son of a bitch! I knew that your father was a lunatic, but this is beyond crazy!” roared Ramona, tossing her phone on the floor.

  “So I didn’t have a choice. I had to leave with him. I gave Harry money for his mother’s operation through Vanessa. I lied to her saying that I was going to call her later, knowing that my phone was broken! I don’t even want to know what she is saying about me.”

  Anger flashed in her cousin’s eyes. She sat back, her brows inching up her forehead.

  “I want to kill your father,” she said, pursing her lips together.

  “There is no point. He has pictures of Harry so he is in control.”

  “Sophia, this is sick … messed up. I never knew that he was capable of doing anything like that, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

  Sophia nodded.

  “You have fallen for Harry, haven’t you?” asked Ramona.

  “Yes, I am in love with him.”

  “I am glad that you gave him a chance and I am even happier that you slept with him,” continued Ramona. “And that scummy fuck ...”

  “Ramona, please, it’s over. I will never get to see him again unless I want to visit him in prison. He probably hates me now.”

  “There must be a way,” muttered Ramona, and then her pupils dilated. She approached Sophia and placed her hands on her arms. “How about I fly to Belfast and explain to him everything that happened here, and—”

  “No,” Sophia cut her off. “He might want to come here, and then what? He is going to get arrested again. My father probably hired someone who watches me all the time just to make sure that I am not doing anything behind his back.”

  Ramona clenched her fists until her knuckles were bleached. She muttered something like, “bastard” and “scum” under her breath before she spoke loudly.

  “So you are in love with Harry, the bad Irish hottie? What about him, did he you how he feels about you?”

  Sophia sucked the corner of her mouth and dropped her eyes. Harry didn’t tell her how he felt about her.

  “We didn’t discuss our feelings or the future, he was reluctant to ask me anything.”

  Ramona exhaled sharply. Sophia wasn’t sure why Ramona needed to know all of these things. Nothing mattered right now. Harry was in Belfast and she just couldn’t be with him. It was over between them.

  “Mon chere, you are suffering and for the first time in my life I can’t stand to look at you like this. I haven’t met this Harry O’Donaghue, but from what you told me he is the one for you.” She paused and licked her upper lip. “There must be something that we can do. Your father can’t be smarter than us.”

  “I saw, those pictures Ramona. Harry was stupid dealing and he was even more stupid doing it where anyone could see him. It’s done, he will soon forget about me. I will deal with my feelings. It’s clear that we don’t have anything left.”

  “What about Vanessa? You can’t just end all contact with her. She is your friend and she is probably worried sick about you,” roared Ramona, going scarlet. She looked angry and frustrated, not at all like Sophia’s best friend.

  Sophia felt guilty. Vanessa let her stay in her apartment and she betrayed her. She hid her face in her hands, feeling completely lost.

  “I will talk to her, but not now. Harry needs to move on first.”

  “There must be a way, Sophe, it can’t end like this ...”

  ***

  Time was running out for Harry. He used Sophia’s money and paid for his mother’s operation. The surgery took place last night and he still hadn’t slept. Caroline, Claire, and Eve were with him. In the late afternoon the doctor told him that the operation went well and his mother should recover just fine. It has been weeks since Sophia vanished and Harry wasn’t coping well. He tried sending emails, but after a few days his messages bounced back. Vanessa swore that she didn’t have a clue where Sophia lived. She left London years ago and Sophia moved a few times, never giving Vanessa her last address. She couldn’t believe that Sophia could cut Vanessa off, just to stay away from Harry.

  In the past few weeks Harry had been in Vanessa’s apartment nearly every day, trying to find out as much as he could about Sophia’s life in London. He knew that Sophia wouldn’t just leave him. He spent nearly the whole summer with her, he knew her. He tried to hide his anger, fear, and frustration and be there for his mother, but he was slowly losing the battle.

  He loved her. His body needed her back, everyday new pain sped through him like an out-of- control fire. Every morning he woke up with the hope that he was going to see her again. He was back with Susan, and when he asked about Sophia, Susan muttered something about family emergency. He wanted to ask if she had her address or telephone number, but he knew that was pushing his limits. He barely slept, creating a new plan in his head. If Sophia wasn’t going to contact him in the next few days he would book a bus to London. He had her old address and someone was bound to know where she moved.

  Caroline was waiting for him in the car. He grabbed his phone and rushed to drive to Vanessa’s apartment. She probably wasn’t going to be very happy when she saw him again, but right now Harry was desperate and he didn’t care about Vanessa. He wanted to know where Sophia was.

  “Are you all right?” asked Caroline, staring at him intensely. Harry started the engine and tightened his grip on the wheel.

  “I am fine, can you stop asking me that,” he snapped, but then he automatically felt bad that he barked on Caroline. It wasn’t her fault that Sophia didn’t want to see him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

  “Don’t worry about me, darling, I am just worried that you are going to do something stupid.”

  “I am just going to look for her, all right? That isn’t stupid.”

  “We both know that this doesn’t make any sense. Vanessa doesn’t have her new address and you have no idea where to look. Once you get there, then what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know yet, Caroline, jus
t drop it for now. I am going to talk to Vanessa first.”

  They didn’t talk until Harry parked at Vanessa’s apartment. Caroline offered to go with him just to make sure that he wasn’t going to do anything foolish. Harry felt bad leaving his mother with Aunt Claire, but he had to have her back otherwise his life was meaningless.

  He knocked to Vanessa’s door, folding his arms together. He wasn’t even sure if she was going to be in, but luckily she opened the door.

  “What the fuck, Harry? How many times do I have to tell you that I haven’t heard from her? She hasn’t emailed me or tried to contact me,” shouted Vanessa angrily.

  “It doesn’t matter anyway. I am going to London to look for her, I need her old address,” said Harry. Vanessa shook her head with disbelief and walked away. Caroline bit her lip but followed Harry inside. Every time Harry came anywhere near this apartment something in his stomach turned. Every time he stepped through the door he felt her, and pain shattered through his heart again.

  Vanessa put her hands on hips and eyed him suspiciously.

  “You are going to London, Harry, how are you going to find her there?”

  “Don’t worry about that. I will figure it out. Are you going to give me that address or not?”

  “I am sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but who the hell are you?” asked Vanessa, ignoring him.

  “She is my cousin, Caroline,” he barked.

  “I told him that this is a bad idea, but he doesn’t want to listen,” said Caroline. Vanessa placed her hand on her hips and her expression softened.

  “Sophia doesn’t want to be found, Harry. The sooner you understand this, the better. I know her and I know that there is something wrong. She is trying to keep you away for a reason!” continued Vanessa.

  “Fuck that, Vanessa, I fucking love her! Don’t you understand that? I am not going to let anyone destroy what we had. I am leaving in a few days and that’s it. I won’t be coming back until I find her.

  ***

  Sophia had been staring at the computer screen for over half an hour now. She hadn’t even typed a single word and her assignment was due in a few days. It’s been over a month since she left Belfast. She couldn’t concentrate or focus on her work. She had Harry O’Donaghue in her head constantly. Her father hadn’t been at home for a week. Her parents never used to fight before. However, since her return home, Sophia heard them fighting all the time, and her father left last week and hasn’t come back. She didn’t listen to their fights anymore. They were strangers to her; she didn’t care what was going on between them.

  “Sophia.”

  It was her mother, but Sophia didn’t turn around. She was hoping that ignoring her would just make her leave her room. They didn’t fight anymore, they just stopped communicating, and Sophia left the room every time Michelle walked in.

  “I need to talk to you, can you turn around to look at me?” repeated Michelle, uneasiness in her voice. Sophia shut her laptop down and turned around reluctantly.

  “What do you want? I have nothing to say to you,” she snapped, narrowing her amber eyes. She was slightly taken aback by her mother’s appearance. She looked pale, worn out and exhausted. She barely had any make-up on. Michelle sat down on the chair next to Sophia, who was still staring at her with obvious resentment. She knew her mother’s tricks; she just wanted to get her back on her side that’s why she came to her room.

  “Me and your father … well, we are getting divorce. This marriage hasn’t been working out for a very long time, and it’s time for me to move on.”

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  A static shock charged through Sophia. Disbelief ripped through her, lapping at her sides, but she kept her indifferent expression. She didn’t want to show her that she was affected by this news in any way. Michelle placed her hands together and drew a long breath.

  “I don’t understand why you are telling me this. I don’t care. You and Dad ruined my life,” she replied bitterly.

  “I discovered that your father had an affair.”

  “I don’t want to know any more,” hissed Sophia, but her voice trembled. “You have treated me like a child in the past few years, so I am not—”

  “Sophia, please just listen to what I have to say,” Michelle said, cutting her off.

  “I hate you.”

  “I am not happy about your decision, but you are right. I can’t tell you what to do. You are not a child anymore. I understand that you are truly in love with him. It hurts seeing you unhappy and miserable. I wish that I could have been a better mother, but I can’t change anything,” bawled Michelle. “I always loved you and I am sorry that I never said it. It’s my own fault that you hurt yourself for so long.”

  Sophia stilled under Michelle’s intense stare. She swallowed hard, trying to pin together what her mother just said. Her mother had never said before she loved her. She never expressed any kind of feelings towards her. Shock beat her once again; she struggled, fighting with the tears.

  “I do love him, Mum, and I want to be with him,” Sophia said quietly.

  “Your father has done some terrible things, he fiddled with taxes. He used his trip to cover up his meetings with that other woman. I discovered everything recently and I confronted him about it last night.”

  “Taxes? Business trips? What are you talking about?”

  “I want to spare you the details, but your father has done a lot of damage, he was involved with a huge scandal. He thought that I would never find out, but I have evidence that can destroy him,” she sighed.

  “Dad?”

  “Yes, he became greedy. I told him that he had to destroy the pictures of that boy from Belfast that you were seeing otherwise I was going to expose him.”

  Sophia stood up and looked at her mother confusion, her heart skipped a beat and her mind started racing. Was she really heard right? Was her mother going to help her to get Harry back?

  “Did he agree? I mean, will he get rid of those pictures?”

  “I didn’t like the way he handled this whole situation. I mean, I had no idea about the pictures and I didn’t know that he blackmailed you. Then I found out about his business and of course about his affairs.” She paused, wiping the tears away from her face. “He gave me his word that he will get rid of those pictures. We signed an agreement and divorce papers with the lawyer. You can go back to Belfast to see that boy.”

  Sophia felt that she was dreaming and this wasn’t really happening. She couldn’t believe that her mother was holding that kind of power over her father. Her palms were damp with sweat and heat swept inside her chest.

  “Are you going to do this for me, knowing his background?”

  “This is my apology for all the things that I have done wrong. I am not going to explain myself, but I should have ended this marriage early. Your father never appreciated what he had and I am not going to stand next to him while he ruins your life again. Will you forgive me, for always being so demanding and cold?”

  Sophia couldn’t speak, so she did the only thing that she thought was right. She approached her mother and embraced her in a hug, feeling the disappointment, regret, and anger that accumulated inside her for years was no longer there. This must have been a huge decision for her mother. Sophia never thought that there was anything wrong between her parents.

  “I am sorry about Dad, obviously he doesn’t deserve you,” said Sophia, her heart still racing.

  “He wasn’t a good father like I wasn’t a good mother, but it turned out that he was an even worse husband. He went mad when I told him to destroy the pictures. I want you to be happy with that boy and forget about the past.”

  “Are you sure that Harry is safe? Are you sure that I can see him now?”

  “Yes, your father has to obey the agreement that we signed. If he is going to expose that Irish boy I will expose him.” Michelle paused and brushed Sophia’s cheek. “I shouldn’t have to put any pressure on you. I didn’t prevent you from hurting yourself and I am sorr
y. I was delusional, lost with my own unfulfilled ego. Be happy with whoever you want, it’s your life, Sophia. You can now take control!”

  “I left him and lied to him. He probably won’t want to see me again.”

  “Nonsense! Book the flight to Belfast right now. Love doesn’t fade away, the disappointment might still be there, but love remains and will only grow stronger,” said Michelle, smiling.