Following the Sparrows

by Karen Malley

Sitting at the restaurant, Kathryn’s mind reeled. It was all too much to process. After all those years of living in fear, of looking over her shoulder, reliving the guilt every time she heard about another kid who overdosed, was it all over?

  Adam was studying her.

  “You’re not OK, are you?”

  Kathryn shook her head. “I don’t deserve to go free. It doesn’t seem fair.”

  Adam took her hand in his. “It may have come from an unlikely source, but that DA was right. Everything you’ve done wrong has already been paid for. It’s not fair. Jesus did nothing wrong, and He paid for all of your sins. You can’t do anything to pay for them. That DA unwittingly gave you a beautiful picture of Jesus’ sacrifice. You can’t pay for your sins on your own. Your slate was wiped clean, whether you feel you deserve it or not.”

  Kathryn considered Adam’s words. “So I don’t have to do anything to make it right?”

  “No, sweetheart, you don’t. But if you want to make a positive difference in the lives of some kids that could use some help, I can take you to the Kids of Hope Club. We could use a volunteer like you.”

  After leaving Adam back at work, Kathryn went for a drive. The sense of relief was overwhelming. Not only that, she loved the Kids of Hope Club. The staff there were welcoming, and the kids that came in after school tugged at her heart. Volunteering there gave her something wonderful to look forward to.

  She got on the highway and drove past miles of trees. With the dawning of spring, she took in the pinks and whites of the flowering trees, and the daffodils all in bloom, their upturned faces reflecting the sun. The world was alive in hope.

  For the first time since Robert’s death, she found complete peace. God was with her all along, but not since her prayer with Anne had His presence wrapped around her so strongly. This was what it was like, walking with God. It wouldn’t all be perfect, but knowing she was on the path He had for her filled her with comfort. After a few miles, she turned off the highway and into the cemetery. It was time she and Robert had a chat.

  She pulled the car into one of the spots at the front of the cemetery and walked along the path. As she came to Robert’s grave, fresh tears welled in her eyes. He died too young. He had his whole life ahead of him. He could’ve helped so many more kids. She knelt in front of his gravestone.

  “Robert, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. All you wanted was for me to be honest with you. I’m sorry I never gave God a chance while we were together. I hope you can hear me. I finally figured things out. I listened to God, and everything changed.”

  “I faced what happened back in California. I told you I was never unfaithful to you, but when I’m honest with myself, I put my job before you all the time. I got mixed up in some stupid stuff, Robert. Remember Charlie? Remember how excited I was when he told me I was special, and he had extra projects for me? Well, it turned out the extra project was to help him synthesize a stash of this designer drug he’d cooked up. I didn’t know it at the time, but soon I was in too deep. I’m sorry I never told you. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently if I had. I’m sure you could’ve helped me figure something out, something that didn’t draw me in deeper. I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to know how stupid I was. I was excited Charlie deemed me worthy to be involved in his ‘special project.’ It’s not that I was worthy, just gullible.”

  Kathryn ran her fingers through the grass. Leaning back, she focused her eyes on the tombstone. “I suppose I look crazy, sitting here and talking to a rock. I know you’re not here, but there’s so much tell you before I move on with my life. It’s been a crazy ride since you left for heaven. My dad came back. Can you believe it? All these years, and now he’s back in my life. I never saw that coming. Oh, and I lost my job, too. Which turned out to be a positive thing, since I was using my job to try to pay penance or something for making those drugs.”

  She pulled a few dandelions out of the grass, their yellow heads winking up at her. She laid them before the headstone. “Sorry, it’s not much. You were never into flowers, but it’s something. Thanks for being there for me. I’m sorry I never gave you what you wanted out of life. I think you understand now why I never felt worthy to be a mom. Maybe someday I will. It might not be such a bad thing.”

  The wind blew a warm breeze across her face, and she watched the puffy white clouds float by. “I talked to a DA today. He dismissed all the charges against me, so that part of my life is actually behind me now. Oh, and you’ll love this—I took a job teaching. I’ll be teaching at Pine Springs Community College.”

  “Things are turning out OK for me. I hope you weren’t worried. I guess all those prayers finally took. I’m sorry you weren’t around to see it. I’ve given my life to God, and everything is starting to make sense now. It won’t all be easy, but at least I have a path to follow. I always envied yours. I guess I still do—you’re in heaven.”

  Settling back on the grass, she turned more serious. “Robert, I met someone. I know you haven’t even been gone a year yet, and I mean no disrespect to you, but I’ve found someone who has been helpful to me on my journey over the past several months. You’d like him. He’s been through a lot too, but his faith never wavers. He’s been by my side through all of this mess with the courts. I wish I could ask your blessing to have him in my life. For some reason he seems to think I’m worth all the trouble. I wish I could know you’d be OK with it.”

  A flutter of movement caught her attention. A small brown sparrow alighted on the tombstone.

  Kathryn blinked, and the bird stared. It cocked his head at her and then flew off. Coincidence? Maybe, but to Kathryn, it was all the sign she needed.

  41

  “Hey Adam, what’s up?” Mark answered Adam’s call.

  “Is the dinner invitation still open for tomorrow night?” Adam asked.

  “Sure. What’s going on? You sound happy.”

  “Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve got the best job in the world now, it’s finally spring, I’m getting a home cooked meal tomorrow night…”

  Mark laughed. “True, true. It will be nice to see you. I’d like to hear more about the job, and how you’re managing to hobble around.”

  “Great. I have a favor to ask, though.”

  “Yes?”

  “I’d like to bring a friend to dinner, if that’s all right with you.”

  “The more the merrier. I’ll tell Anne to make sure to make extra. Any friend of yours is a friend of ours.”

  ****

  The following night, Kathryn walked into the Campbells’ house with Adam.

  “Kathryn! What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in Boston?” Anne exclaimed, wrapping her in a hug.

  Kathryn gave Anne a sheepish grin. “Perhaps it’s time for an ‘I told you so.’”

  “Does that mean what I think it means?”

  “I gave my notice last Monday, packed the little I took to the apartment, and drove home that night. I’m done with Boston,” Kathryn answered with a wide grin.

  Anne squealed with delight. “And I’m just finding this out now?”

  “I wanted to surprise you. It was worth it for the look on your face.”

  “Oh, Katie. I’m so glad. You belong here, with all of us. I know God has a plan for you here.”

  “Besides, Anne will need some extra help around here by the fall.” Mark walked behind his wife and put his hands on her shoulders.

  She craned her neck around to look up at him, the love evident in her eyes.

  “Help with what?” Adam asked.

  “With the new baby, of course.” Mark answered with shining eyes.

  “Oh, Anne. That’s wonderful!” Kathryn exclaimed. “I’m so happy for you.”

  Anne and Mark beamed, and Adam clapped Mark on the back. “That’s fantastic, brother. If you ever feel outnumbered, let me know and I’ll take Benny here off your hands.”

  Ben grinned up at his hero.

  The group enjoyed a ho
me-cooked meal together.

  Kathryn gazed around the table at each face. Not a single person in this room was related to her by blood, but this was her family. How could she ever have thought she could be happy somewhere else?

  Across the table Anne cut food for Emma, while Mark spooned mashed potatoes on his plate.

  Her heart ached for what they had. She thought again of Robert and was sure he would be happy she was here with the people he loved the most. This was what he’d always wanted—a family to share his life. She finally understood.

  Ben stared at Adam intently, as he did some magic trick with toothpicks and a drop of water. He was such a natural with him.

  Her breath caught as she imagined Adam holding a baby of his own. A baby of their own. Was it possible?

  The last year had been such a whirlwind. The loss of Robert, her job, everything she thought mattered. Learning Charlie was no longer a threat to her, and even more importantly, the chance to finally put it all behind her. God was good. She could be a mother. The unworthiness was washed away. It was time to accept the forgiveness God offered her. Being here with the Campbells and with Adam represented a second chance for her. It was time to come clean with them.

  “Mark?” Kathryn said. Everyone turned toward her. “You asked me a question a while back, and it’s time I answered it properly.”

  Anne’s eyebrows rose, but Mark patted her hand. He nodded for Kathryn to continue.

  “When I was in grad school in California, I worked with someone who gave me a special project. That project turned out to be synthesizing designer drugs, which he was selling on the streets.”

  A flicker of understanding crossed Mark’s face.

  Kathryn continued. “I didn’t know what I was doing at first, and when I found out, some guys threatened me. I didn’t know a way out other than to run away. When I left there, I hoped to leave it all behind me, but I didn’t.”

  Both Mark and Anne stared at her with widened eyes.

  Kathryn continued quickly, hoping to dispel any misinterpretations her last statement caused. “I took the job at M. K. specifically for the pain program, where I felt I could do something about the current drug crisis in this country. The whole time I was working there, I was trying to make up for what I had done. When the job moved to Boston, I thought I needed to go with it to continue that work.”

  “I understand now,” Mark said.

  “The point is, I was always running and hiding from my past, but also to trying to fix it. I never felt worthy to move forward in life.”

  Anne’s eyes were moist. “Oh, Katie.”

  Adam took Kathryn’s hand.

  “I never had the courage to tell anyone. They told me they would hurt my family if I did. That’s why I never told Robert. Back when I visited Adam at the hospital, while he was sleeping, supposedly…” She turned and glared at him. “I told him the whole story. I needed to get it off my chest. But someone was apparently only pretending to be asleep and heard the whole thing. Mr. Lawyer over here helped to convince me the best path forward was to turn myself in.”

  Anne gasped, but remained silent.

  “So, that’s what I did. We talked to a DA, but the charges were dismissed. The guys who were involved are all in jail in California.”

  At this, Mark’s whole frame visibly relaxed.

  “Mark, I’m sorry. If I honestly thought your family was ever in any danger, I would’ve come forward right away. I was scared of those guys, but I never believed they would come after me out here. It was a small operation. I wasn’t worth their time. They only wanted to scare me enough to keep helping them.” Kathryn stopped, took a long drink, and looked around the table at the faces.

  Emma was stuffing mashed potatoes into her mouth, and Ben was nibbling around the edges of his carrot like a beaver.

  She had the undivided attention of the adults. “When I found out I wouldn’t be on the pain project any longer, and I realized how much I hated the job in Boston, I started listening to God. Everything I heard from Him told me I was to stay here in Pine Springs. Then I found out I got the job teaching at the college.”

  Mark and Anne smiled widely and offered their congratulations.

  “So, I’m staying. I’d love to come by and help you with the kids when I can. I’m only teaching a couple of classes at the university over the summer, and I plan on helping Adam at the Kids of Hope Club, but I’d love to spend more time with you.”

  Anne got up and gave Kathryn a hug. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve made the right decision.”

  Adam cleared his throat. “I also have something I’d like to discuss with you.”

  Kathryn looked over at him, surprised.

  Anne returned to her seat.

  “A couple of months ago, I met a man who taught me a few things. His name was Phil.”

  “What?” Kathryn exclaimed.

  Adam patted her hand. “Hear me out.” He turned back to the Campbells. “Phil is a man who met a beautiful and interesting woman, and had the courage to ask her out.”

  Kathryn tried to protest, but Adam continued.

  “Not only did I learn the wisdom of having the courage to go for what you want, I learned another lesson from Phil. He taught me the simple consideration for family. All of you have been through a terrible loss this past year. I want you all to know I am sorry for your loss. I’m sorry I never had a chance to meet Robert. I’m sure I would’ve respected him and enjoyed his company. Perhaps we would’ve become friends. If he is anything like the rest of you, I know I would’ve liked him.”

  Kathryn dabbed at her eyes with her napkin.

  A tear rolled down Anne’s cheek.

  Adam continued. “Robert left behind a special lady. I’ve known it since the first day I talked to her. Well, maybe the first day she talked to me. I talked to her a few times before she ever talked back to me.” He chuckled.

  Kathryn punched his arm.

  “Anyway, as Robert’s family, I would like to ask your permission to date Kathryn. I mean no disrespect to his memory.”

  Kathryn’s cheeks flamed even hotter, and she busied herself with her food.

  Mark beamed and turned to Anne. “What do you think, dear? Can our Katie handle this guy?”

  Anne laughed. “A better question would be whether he can handle her. Adam, we have no problem with you dating Katie, as long as she’s interested.”

  If Kathryn could’ve crawled under the table, she would have. Instead, she used Emma as an excuse. She lifted her out of her highchair. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Heading into the kitchen with Emma, she closed the door behind her, the good-natured ribbing continuing in the other room. She pulled out a washcloth from under the sink and gave Emma’s face a scrubbing. That Adam. Could he be any more embarrassing? She didn’t need the Campbells’ permission to date. And bringing up Phil?

  Emma reached and grabbed a tendril of hair that escaped her ponytail, giving it a painful tug that jolted Kathryn.

  “OK, Emma. You’re right. He didn’t mean anything bad by it. I guess it was a sweet gesture.”

  She was free from Charlie, free from the guilt, and she’d found her way to God, so the only thing standing in the way of a relationship with Adam was the fear of what people would think of her dating again. Adam showed her the people who cared about Robert the most were happy about the two of them spending time together. He hadn’t brought up Phil to embarrass her. He’d learned something from the guy.

  She set Emma down, and Emma toddled back to the kitchen door. Kathryn opened the door and let Emma go back to her mom.

  The adults were laughing at something Ben was saying.

  Adam gave her a wink. Her stomach flip-flopped. Adam made everything real. They went on a date a week ago, but declaring his intentions to the Campbells took their relationship up a notch. She leaned in the doorframe and watched the scene in front of her. She sent up a silent prayer.

  God, You know how I feel about Adam. I have fallen
hard for him. He seems to be perfect for me, but I’m scared. Both the men I loved in my life were taken from me. Yes, my father is back, now, but it doesn’t make up for the loss.

  She sensed eyes on her and glanced up to find Adam studying her.

  She gave a little shake of her head and returned to the table.

  ~*~

  A soft rain fell on the drive home from the Campbells’ house. The windshield wipers fell into a soothing rhythm.

  “Is everything OK? You were quiet after dinner. I hope I didn’t embarrass you.” Adam glanced at her in the passenger seat.

  Kathryn gave a small sigh. “You did, but I’m not upset with you for it. It was sweet of you to ask how they felt about the idea of us dating.”

  “It seemed like the right thing to do.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “To tell you the truth, I was a little nervous. I don’t know what I would’ve done if they had said no. I’m not sure I’d be able to stay away from you.”

  Her stomach gave a nervous flutter. Maybe he did feel the same way she did. Still…

  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Kathryn. That’s the last thing I want to do.”

  “I know. Thank you. And thanks for taking me there tonight. It was fun to surprise them.”

  “It was a big night for you, telling them everything.”

  “It was overdue. Mark knew something was going on, and he was being patient about it, but I knew one of these days I’d have to tell him the truth. I’m glad it’s all out now. I hope…” she trailed off.

  “What is it?” Adam braked at the stoplight and turned to meet her eyes.

  “I hope they won’t look at me differently now.”

  Adam reached over and cupped her chin in his hands. “Kathryn, you made a mistake. We all do. You’ve been forgiven. No one expects you to be perfect. You didn’t mean to get involved in what you did, and you’ve asked for forgiveness and received it. Do you think Anne and Mark are so judgmental they would hold this against you?”

  “No, of course not. I never thought about it like that.”

  “You never gave anyone a chance to accept you for who you are. If you give us a chance, you might like what you find out.” His eyes sparkled with a mischievous glint.