Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  “Protect me?” I mouth and he nods. The anger moves ahead of my hurt—my pain. I walk up close to him, my eyes cold and hollow. He swallows hard and I track the movement with my eyes. Hating the way his Adams apple bobs fascinates me so much. “The way you protected me that night in the bar? You fucked me against a dirty wall and then walked away from me like I meant nothing to you at all.”

  I hear Brandt mutter a curse under his breath from behind us. Josh shuts his eyes and looks like I just slapped him—the pain of my words is visible on his face.

  I brush past him and walk to the bar. I touch the bottle of liquid that has become my best friend the past few months. I know I’m playing with fire right now and I shouldn’t be. I shut my eyes and try to remember his letter. His words to me were so beautiful, but all I can hear is Dean’s voice. Dean reading those words to me. Dean touching me. Dean telling me I ruined them both. Dean is all I see, all I hear, and all I smell and feel. I move the tequila bottle closer to me. Without picking it up, turning the bottle in my hands. This is my protection, and yet the very reason I was left unprotected last night. The very reason Dean even had a window to manipulate and hurt me. I can’t take care of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push the bottle away like it disgusts me. It does.

  I turn and find his gaze on the alcohol behind me with the same look of disgust. There was a time when he loved the way I was when I had been drinking. Now, it just worries him.

  Brandt says, “I’ll um…give you guys some privacy. I need to make a phone call anyway,” and then he walks out of his own home. Just great. Well, coming here was obviously a mistake.

  I shut my eyes and my chest begins to rise and fall heavily. Don’t panic. I open them to find Josh closer to me now.

  “Let me help you,” he whispers softly.

  I shake my head, he can’t. “You left me and I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know who I am and you just left me. So much has happened. I just wanted to not feel it. All I had was this,” I gesture to the bottle that has kept me company in the dark.

  I take a deep breath as he moves to stand right in front of me. I look away but he turns my face to his not allowing me the distance. So, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to keep the anger ahead of my sadness. It’s losing. My bottom lip begins to quiver.

  He traces my trembling lips with his thumb. “Please, look at me,” he pleads. His voice makes me do as he begs. I slowly give him what he wants and feel the weight of everything fall heavily on my chest. Suffocating me. He crouches down so our eyes are level with one another as he says, “I’m sorry. I will always and forever be sorry for hurting you. But this,” he grabs the bottle of tequila and holds it in front of me, “is not your friend. This is not going to fix anything for you, or between us.”

  “Us,” I whisper it like it’s a foreign word.

  “Yes, Riley. Us.”

  Reality slams into me. I narrow my eyes and move around him. Forcing the distance he won’t give me. I can’t think straight when he is so close. His scent makes my head swim. Now, on the other side of the bar in the kitchen I can breathe a little. “What if there is no us, Josh?” I ask, because there isn’t.

  His eyes darken and he makes a growling sound that makes me shiver. He obviously doesn’t understand my need for space because he joins me in the kitchen causing me to step back but I soon realize I have no escape. I didn’t think this through. I’m looking around and plotting how I will side step him, but he has me backed into the pantry door before I can implement this plan of retreat. His nearness, his scent, the dark look in his eyes is messing with my head and I feel dizzy.

  He’s not smiling, not frowning, just looking at me—breathing me in, absorbing me. Trying to climb inside of me. My back flattens against the pantry and my breathing becomes ragged. My eyes are locked in a war with his. I shut them when his hands press onto the door on either side of my head—caging me in. He lowers his forehead to mine and his breath is dancing in front of my lips. I can taste it.

  “There’s an us, Riley,” he whispers. “There will always be an us,” he exaggerates every word.

  We’re both breathing heavy and fighting our demons. The ache in my chest is burning. The physical pain in my stomach like I have a hole there is killing me. I flatten my palm against my ribs and silently pray for strength. I know if I open my eyes that I will be lost in his—in the hazel depths that beg me to surrender. They always pull me in. The ‘me’ that makes stupid decisions like believing in love, in this, in him. I need her to vanish so I can breathe. She does exist, though, and she does believe. Stupid girl.

  “It hurts. I just don’t want to feel this anymore,” I breathe the words out to him.

  He rests his cheek against mine. “I feel it, too. Empty right here.” His words are whispered near my ear as he pulls my hand off of my stomach and places it over his heart, which is racing. I feel it beat erratically against my palm. I slowly grip his shirt as his hand wraps around mine. I lean my head into his as it drops to my shoulder. There we stay, just trying to catch our breath. Trying to save each other. I can feel his tears dampen my shoulder.

  I open my eyes and turn my head just slightly into his hair. Hair that I love to touch and feel between my fingertips. He loosens his grip on my hand and I move it up the back of his neck where I thread my fingers into his hair just a little, which causes him to lift his head. When he turns to look at me, I softly gasp—he’s so close to me. We both just stare into one another’s eyes and take turns breathing the same air. He reaches his hand up to my cheek and I can’t help but lean into his hand. I’ve missed him so much.

  “I’m sorry…so sorry,” he says feather light against my lips.

  I’m in a tug-of-war with my emotions. I let my hand fall away slowly back down to my side feeling drained and conflicted. He trails his hands down my arms and I shiver from the soft touch. I can’t look away from his eyes. I can barely breathe. He interlaces our fingers and guides our hands up the door to both sides of my head. He presses his chest against mine as he leans in to kiss my right wrist, then my forehead and then my left wrist and back. Oh, God, give me strength.

  He steps back and gazes deeply into my eyes, only then can I breathe. He pulls my hands into his chest. “Do you feel it? How it doesn’t beat the same. It’s all over the place without you, Riley. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m just so sorry. I would do anything to take away your pain and make this all better. Go back and never leave you. I love you,” he says, holding my hands tightly against him, pleading for understanding.

  I’m just overwhelmed with emotion. I feel vulnerable and cut open. I wiggle my fingers out of his grip and glide them up his face where I trace the lines of this boy I can’t seem to exist without. It makes him gasp. He squeezes his eyes shut and when he slowly opens them, we are both leaning into one another. Only when we touch can we truly be ourselves. The second his lips press against mine…I feel it, that flicker of life I’ve been missing. Our kiss is soft, sweet, apologetic and searching. His hands are holding my cheeks and mine are now feeling his heart race beneath my palms. And then we embrace. He holds me tight to his chest and I hold him because his arms are home to me.

  He kisses my hair, “Can I take you back home?” he asks after several minutes pass of us just holding one another.

  Speech is impossible and so I nod. If I open my mouth I will say too much, yet never enough. With my hand in his he guides us out of the apartment.

  We pass Brandt on the way to his truck and a simple nod of the head is all that it takes of their communication, but then Brandt pauses with his phone away from his ear and tells Josh, “It’s done.”

  What’s done? Protecting me?

  Josh again doesn’t speak, he just nods in understanding, proceeding to open the door to his truck and lifting me in it. All quiet, all precision, and all with purpose—to bring me home. He buckles me in and lingers in front of my face where he looks so helplessly into my eyes. Searching every crevice within them, looking for me, for his Tinker Bell,
for the girl he called his. I don’t know if he will find her, or if she exists anymore. I don’t know what else I can give right now. I feel…I don’t know what I feel. Helpless myself. Lifeless. Like I want to love him so badly, want to let him love me in return, but scared as fuck to let it all happen.

  Love is hard. It can be painful, but when he kisses my forehead, I remember how it can also be beautiful, sweet and breathtaking. How it once was for us. I’m breathless now. If I could just keep a little of that beauty then maybe it will outshine the ugly. Create our own kind of beauty again. He steps back, shuts my door and walks around to his side. I take a deep pull of air and shiver. The memories of us flood my head, instantly slamming into me, the things we’ve done together in this truck—how he touched me for the first time. Then I remember watching his taillights as he pulled out of my parking lot months ago when he was angry with me.

  Touches… some wanted, some not. Other touches by wicked hands—hands that I wish didn’t exist. That’s all it takes for the darkness to seep in and I withdraw almost instantly. The walls set in place, all on their own.

  CHAPTER 8

  He touched her. He tried to take it all from her. The things I said to her will forever haunt my mind. Images that may, or may not have even happened the way they are in my head attack me. The intense need to protect her and cherish her is so strong.

  I’m driving us home. Home? Where is that anymore? The center console is between us and yet it feels like a mountain. She’s been extremely quiet and distant. It’s foolish to think one kiss can solve all of our problems. The fact that she encouraged the kiss—the look in her eyes when she gazed at me—well, it fills me with hope for us, though. We have miles to go and several stitches to thread before we actually mend us back together and heal what we let break us apart. However, the progress we have made thus far makes me believe there is a chance we can heal each other if we try hard enough. My mind goes back to the hospital and how awful I was to her.

  I was staring at her leave the waiting room and hating myself for the things that I couldn’t seem to stop staying to her. It was uncharted territory for us. I was just so angry. Seeing her tears and the lost look in her eyes killed me. But then I remembered what Dean said when I went to his apartment to confront the son of a bitch. She never even told me he lived in the same damn building. That…I heard from Collin. So many things she didn’t tell me. Why didn’t she just tell me the truth?

  And then Collin stood in front of me with his arms crossed, his eyes piercing through me with disapproval. “What?” I snapped.

  He glanced to the door and swiftly back to me. I could see the indecision in his eyes. He wasn’t sure of something. He shook his head and dropped his hands.

  “Look, I promised not to say anything. Scratch that, I didn’t promise shit actually. It just wasn’t for me to tell and Em says Riley doesn’t want you to know. But man, you’re going to ruin everything if you don’t know the truth,” he explained.

  “Ruin what? Isn’t it already ruined? I know I am.” I rubbed the heels of my palms into my eyes. They were burning something awful and I was exhausted.

  “I’m sure she feels the same way,” he muttered.

  At that, my eyes opened and narrowed, “You’re being vague and it’s pissing me off,” I said.

  He sighed as he sat down beside me. “She didn’t have sex with him. She’s not even sure she went with him willingly. Dean kissed her. That’s true, but...” he took a deep breath, while I held mine. All I thought was, she didn’t fuck him?

  “But what?” I whispered. I felt like his admission was going to hurt so much worse than what I already thought happened?

  “She thought it was you. She was drunk. Really, really drunk, Josh. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that out of it. He had to have known that. Think about it...Preslee’s involved as well. You’ve gotta look at all the pieces here. Riley loves you. You know that. Yes, she was broken and lost after y’all broke up. So were you. You didn’t go randomly hook up with some chick,” he said. He was right, but I almost did. I could have if I wanted it, which I didn’t. I only wanted the girl who obviously didn’t want me anymore.

  I sighed and ran my hands into my hair. “What aren’t you saying?” I asked.

  “Damn. This is hard. He took her to his apartment. She passed out.” I instantly tensed. “He woke her up and...and if her phone hadn’t rung at the time it did he would’ve—,”

  “Would’ve what?” My voice was hard.

  “He claims he didn’t know what he was doing. She said he smelled like a liquor cabinet.”

  “Fuck, just say it, Collin,” I demanded.

  “He almost raped her, Josh. He did some things to her, but she didn’t allow him. She wasn’t messing around with him behind your back willingly,” he said in an almost whisper.

  I stood up and held in the scream I wanted to release. “And you let me say all of those things to her? No wonder she looked like I slapped her. Those marks on her wrist?”

  He nodded.

  “What did he do to her?” I whispered.

  He shook his head, “I don’t know, Josh. He touched her and tried to force her, but he didn’t go there. She said he stopped when the phone rang.”

  “I called her.” I stopped him.

  I all but ran out of the waiting room to try and stop them from leaving. I needed to apologize, to hold her. I walked outside and ran to the parking lot. The air left my lungs like I’d just been punched when I saw her sobbing and gasping for air in front of Emily. A multitude of thoughts raced through my head as I stared at her. I broke her heart. I destroyed her. Destroyed us. Why would I do that to someone I love so much? And I love her. I love her with every fiber in my being. I didn’t trust her. I realize that now. All last year I spent my time pissed off that she didn’t trust me, when the truth was I didn’t trust her either.

  She turned to me as though she sensed my presence. I don’t know what my face looked like. I’m sure much softer than the hardness I had masked just minutes prior. I saw her eyes widen as she mouthed something to Emily. She instantly knew I knew. I could tell when she flicked her eyes to Collin and he looked away. She was backing away from me, and ready to run, but I was there before she could.

  She wouldn’t look at me. Her body was trembling and her hand was on the handle of the door, but it was locked. She seemed to be struggling to catch a good breath. I took her hand off the door and she squeezed her eyes shut as tears streamed down her cheeks. Just that small touch of our hands reminded me of a lifetime of touches we’d already shared. Touches. ‘He almost raped her, Josh. He did some things to her.’ ‘He touched her and tried to force her...’

  I took her wrist and saw the bruises from his fingerprints. I brought it to my lips and kissed them. I kissed them because I didn’t know what else to do to make her better. I would’ve erased them if I could’ve. If I could have had a super power in that moment I’d want to have the power to make her forget. Or the power to time travel and just go back. Go back to the summer and never have left her. She went weak and began to sob. I pulled her into my chest and told her how sorry I was. She gripped me tight and I comforted her the only way I knew how. I kissed her head and breathed her in.

  “I’m so sorry.” I told her over and over. I realized that I didn’t know everything. I probably didn’t even know half. The thing is, though, I was to blame. I did that to us when we weren’t strong enough. We weren’t. I wasn’t. She wasn’t.

  Her crying softened and I could feel the tension in her body rise as her hands glided up my chest and then pushed me away. I met her eyes and just, fuck me. I’d lost her, which was the only thing I knew for certain.

  I tilted my head to the side and tried to climb inside of her with my eyes. I didn’t see her. I didn’t see my Tink in there anymore. She told me she needed to leave and everything in me was screaming that it would be final then, to not let her go, but I nodded my head and placed a kiss to her forehead like I’d done countless ti
mes before. I let my forehead rest against hers and opened my mouth to explain. She shook her head and stopped me. She wasn’t ready to talk, not to me.

  Then she was gone. Like that...she left me and didn’t look back. Just like I had done to her back in October.

  I stared after her standing in the parking lot knowing my entire world had just ridden away.

  Now back in the present, I’m staring at my entire world sitting next to me in my truck thinking my world is only right when she’s in it. I'm watching her look out the window. She hasn't spoken since she got in my truck and the silence is deafening so I break it.

  Remind her. "You told me once that I reminded you of the stars." I glance quickly at her, wishing she didn't feel so far away. I hate this distance.

  Completely emotionless, she replies, "Yeah, and you told me to always remember the reasons why you love me when I looked at them." She speaks without ever looking away from the glass. That cuts deep.

  The stars aren't shining yet and the sun is just beginning to set. This day has just flown by. I guess that happens even when you're not having any fun.

  I dip my head and reply, "I did. I told you to never forget."

  She sighs softly, "How could I? It's just...it hurts now to look at them. They are no longer reminders of love, but of loss."

  I pull into a parking lot of a Blockbuster just off the side of the road and give her all of my attention because I can’t stand it any longer.

  "Do you know what they remind me of?"

  Her eyes are wide and glassy as she shakes her head when she finally looks at me.

  "They remind me of how quickly life can change. How simple things can be and then how complicated they can be. From one day to the next it can change. The world can be beautiful and full of many colors and then with one mistake it turns to darkness. The stars, though, they remain in their place, never changing."