Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

I turn away from the glass, shuffle my feet, twirl my hair and sigh softly. "Yes, um...sorry, I uh...you caught me off guard. I came in here because...well, I don't know why exactly, but um...then you were there and I...shit, I'm rambling. Sorry." I look away feeling embarrassed and wondering why the hell I can’t form proper sentences around him.

  He laughs a full belly laugh and I lower my head, as my face turns red. "Awww...pretty girl, look at me."

  I can't. He saunters over to me and crouches down so his eyes are on mine. "Hey, I love when you ramble. It reminds me of us when we were younger. You used to always ramble when you felt shy around me, or nervous. Shit, I love it. Don't stop," he says, tucking my hair out of my face and standing upright, bringing my gaze up with him.

  I don't know why I feel so nervous with him right now. Maybe, because the part of me that wants him is fighting the part of me that is frightened.

  "Okay," I reply.

  He smiles again, like I'm amusing him. It’s a half smile, half smirk and fucking adorable. I love his hair right now—wet and going in all these different. My hands itch to run my fingers through it. I place them in my back pockets just to keep from doing so.

  "Do you want to shower next? I saved you some hot water," he adds with a wink.

  "M'hm," I bite my lip almost painfully picturing us in the shower together. His gaze flicks to my mouth, but quickly lifts to my eyes.

  He turns around and grabs a t-shirt and another pair of sweatpants. "I know these will swallow you since you're so tiny. I'd say just wear only my t-shirt, but I'm sure my dad would disapprove of that, not that I would complain or anything." He smirks.

  And there he is. That’s my Josh. Hearing his flirty comment stirs the butterflies back to life in my belly.

  I reach for the clothes he’s offering, rolling my eyes. "Thank you, Parker. I will put the sweatpants on." With my head spinning, drunk on him, I turn to walk out the room quickly.

  I’m in a bubble of confusion once inside the bathroom. I turn on the hot water and let it fog up the bathroom, joining my fogged up head. My reactions to Josh concern me, scare me and excite me. I climb in the shower and wash away the thoughts. Wash away the handprints of someone I loath and dream of hands I desire. I scrub and scrub more, always feeling like Dean’s scent lingers on my skin. I want it to never exist. I take my time in the shower and find myself picking up Josh’s shower gel instead of Joey's Japanese cherry blossom. I prefer his scent on my skin. It's slightly musky and fresh water like—just masculine. I lather it all over me and inhale deeply, letting it seep into my pores.

  After I get out of the shower, I use Joey's comb to pick through my curls. I dress in Josh's gray sweatpants and his Varsity football t-shirt. They do swallow me. I roll the pants several times and feel ridiculous, yet swaddled like a blanket of him. I look at my reflection in the mirror and question my sanity right now as I fall in love with his scent that is all over me. It's crazy that just the smell of him turns me on, turns me inside out.

  I leave the bathroom and head down the hall to his room where his door is now shut. I can hear him on the phone talking softly to someone.

  My heart starts beating fast, free falling into my stomach. My throat tightens up when I hear him say dismissively, "Goodnight, Natalie." It wasn’t in a sweet tone, or like he truly wished for her a good night. It wasn’t in the voice he reserves for me. None of that matters to my brain right now because he was talking to her. To Natalie.

  Goodnight, Natalie? He was on the phone with Natalie? Natalie, the bitch from the bar where he left me. Nat. She’s like a bug I want to squash. Flick her into those little blue lights on porches and zap her into non-existence. I'm so stupid. Of course, he dumps me and goes out with a girl on campus. Then what is all of this? Him being here: his words, his letter and his touch.

  I'm frozen in fear, in shock when the door opens. I look up at him, his phone still in his hand. He takes one look at my face where my mouth must be open and my eyes must be wide. I know my face is pale. The warmth is gone, leaving in its place a blizzard of disappointment. I'm backing away from him. He looks to his phone and then up to me with the realization that I must have overheard. I turn to walk down the hall so I can get the hell out of here. Hell, I try to run. What was I thinking?

  He grabs me by my elbow, "Wait! It's not what you think. She called because she was worried about me when I didn't show up to work," he explains.

  I turn, narrow my eyes and laugh bitterly. It’s rises up so quickly and I am instantly transported back to that day in Baton Rouge, where I said those same words to him and then watched as he walked away from me, not believing anything that came from my lips. "Well, isn't that ironic. I remember saying almost those exact same words to you. You didn't believe me, did you? Now I understand why. It sounds like bullshit." I pull my arm free and get to the living room where I grab my phone and keys.

  "Riley, stop. Please, it's not like that. Let me explain. She's just a friend. I promise."

  I halt with my hand on the doorknob and turn to him. I don't know why I ask it, or if I want to hear the answer. I fear his words. "Was she ever more than that?"

  "What do you mean?" he asks tilting his head to the side.

  "More than a friend? I remember her words to me that night. I remember the way you looked at her. Was she ever more than a friend?"

  He shuts his eyes and dips his head. I regret asking instantly. "So, while I was here destroying myself and missing you, you were moving on with her, or were you with her the entire time? Did you just need a reason to end us so you wouldn't feel so shitty about it?"

  His eyes snap open. "Hell no, Riley. I would never cheat on you. Fuck! You should know that. I never moved on. I went out with her...once.”

  "Bye, Josh." I open the door and make it half way into my yard. He's already behind me.

  "Fucking wait, Riley. Do you really think I'd be so cruel to mess with your head like that and be with someone else?" he asks. The weight of his hurt lands heavy on my chest. "I'm not Dean and I'm not your dad. I'm me," he adds softly.

  I turn and try to stop my crying, try to listen to reason. "I don't know anymore, Josh. I don't know who you are. Hell, I don’t know who I am. I didn't think you'd be so cruel the way you were that night to me, but you were."

  He runs his hands furiously in his hair as he growls to the sky. His chest is heaving and when he looks into my eyes, I'm almost fearful of what I see in their depths. "I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say to how I acted that night. I explained it in my letter the only way I know how. I’ve apologized and apologized again. I'm not with Natalie. I never was with her. She called me just now, not the other way around. Take it or don't, Riley. I know you've been through a lot this weekend and I'm trying here. Can't you just for one second stop thinking the worst and see that?"

  His voice is full of sincerity, of remorse. My head won't stop, though. I just remember her words in that bar taunting me, and the way he flirted with her brazenly. I walk up to him and square my shoulders. "Thing is, Josh. I remember every torturous second of that night. How you wouldn't let me explain the text from Dean. You thought the worst of me just like you did today. I remember you openly flirting with her, touching her hand in a soft way, when you knew I saw it. Throwing it in my face to what? Hurt me? Make me jealous? Well, you got both. I remember her words to me. She said you weren't interested in her until that night. You were interested in her that night. So don't tell me not to think the worst, Josh. I saw it with my own damn eyes. Every second replays behind them. Did you fuck her right after me? She looks like she'd be wild in bed. Maybe, I wasn’t fun enough, or whatever." I roll my eyes, ignoring the look on his face and turn around. I get to my front door, putting the keys in the lock and ready to hide, but he places his arm across the door, stopping me from going inside.

  “Just let me go, Josh.”

  "No, You're not running away from me. I didn't fuck her. I haven't fucked anyone. The only one I want to be with is you. So stop this. I hu
rt you. I was a dick about it. I know that. You can either accept my apology, or walk away, but please don't walk away."

  I turn over my shoulder at him, knowing what I'm about to do is going to be painful. "Let’s clear the air. Okay? Since you've been gone, Dean has stalked me almost non-stop. He moved into my apartment building just to be near me I guess. I don’t know. He shows up at my work and then gets a job there. Sends me flowers and notes, texts me, calls me...just creeps me the fuck out. Until last night, I thought I had it handled. Not once did I lie to you. I kept all of that from you, yes, but I never lied to you. I never replied to his notes, or texts. I never returned his calls. I ignored him. The second you broke up with me, I quit my job at the bar. I did all of these things for you, for us. He meant nothing to me and you meant everything. I was yours, even when I wasn't...I belonged to you. Don't you get that?” I’m waving my hands animatedly and pointing my finger at him. “But you working with a girl that is blatantly giving you the green light and then answering her calls. I mean all of that...well, maybe that part of you that you wrote about in your letter, that part that needed to find out who Joshua Parker is without Riley Shaw was tempted. Whether you acted on that temptation, I don't know. The fact that you were curious enough to even consider it, hurts enough," and with that I push open my door and step under his arm to walk into my house.

  I go straight to the kitchen, fuck the pills, this is better. I climb on top of the counter next to the fridge.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Josh asks, apparently having followed me inside.

  I growl loudly. “First, I’m getting my mom’s wine down from the cabinet above the fridge, then I’m kicking you out and finally, I’m going to sit my sorry ass down somewhere and make all of this disappear.” I look him directly in the eye. He doesn’t even flinch.

  I turn away and begin reaching into the cabinets, searching for her hidden poisons. She didn’t drink during her pregnancy. In fact, I don’t even know if anything is up here anymore, just that I need there to be and that there once was.

  “Typical. Riley, are you listening to yourself?”

  I ignore him and try to reach the cabinet. I’m short and it’s out of reach. I find old Easter baskets in the first cabinet. So, I move to the other side, standing on my tippy toes, trying not to fall.

  “You drink that and maybe you feel better tonight, but what about tomorrow. What then?”

  “You will leave and go back to Louisiana. What will it matter to you?” I ask without looking at him.

  “WHAT WILL IT MATTER TO ME?! Are you fucking kidding me?” I feel his hands reaching around my waist as he pulls me down off the cabinet. I’m kicking and squealing, but as soon as he presses me against the cabinet, all fight in me ceases. I blink my eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

  He grabs my cheeks almost painfully. “You matter to me. So what you do affects me. This. You hurting, it hurts me,” he says unwavering.

  “Do I matter? You went out with someone else.”

  “Once. And it’s not at all like you think it is. I didn’t ask her out on a date. I didn’t go seeking someone new. I had a bad-fucking day, Riley. It was after winter break. I came home…to you and thought I could fix my fuck up but instead I fucked it up even more. I went back to Baton Rouge devastated and that night I had to work at the bar. I snapped at everyone, patrons, her, my boss—everyone. I hated everyone, mostly myself. I messed up drink after drink. How I didn’t get fired, I don’t know. When the bar closed and our shift was over, she asked me if I wanted to go blow off steam and I agreed.”

  Oh, my God. I squeeze my eyes shut as my insides turn ice cold. “When you say once…you mean like a one night stand, don’t you?” I whisper the question with my eyes shut.

  I hear his deep sigh. He touches my neck where I’m sure he can feel my pulse going nuts. “It could’ve been, but it wasn’t. I didn’t fuck her, Riley. I knew what she meant when she asked it, and yes, I admit, I considered it. I went to her apartment and we kissed. I’m being honest, and I know it hurts, but I’m not going to lie to you. I shouldn’t have gone there. But just like you are frantically trying to stop the noise with alcohol, I thought I could do the same with something meaningless.”

  I open my eyes and the tears escape. “With sex? You were going to have sex with her to erase me?” God, that hurts so badly. I flatten my palm onto my heart. It’s a physical pain.

  My heart is shattered by the look I see in the hazel depths that hold me captive. “I didn’t, though. I couldn’t. I can’t. I realized in that moment that there would never be anyone else for me, just you. I pushed her away and left. All we did was kiss. It didn’t go any further than that.”

  “That hurts to hear. I don’t want you kissing other people,” I say in a choked up voice.

  He tilts my chin up and makes me look at him with determination. “I know it hurts…because for two years I watched you with Dean. For two years I knew you were kissing him. Hell, I saw you kiss him. I watched him hold your hand, wrap his arms around you and pick you up for dates. Real dates. I thought he was your first and there wasn’t anything I could do to change that. I pictured you with him in all kinds of ways. You let him in and not me. I didn’t understand it. I still don’t, baby. Don’t you see when I wasn’t here and he was, I just thought he would slowly get you back. I didn’t see you keeping things from me as protection. I saw it as deceit, as secrecy. When I came home this weekend and you never replied to my letter, I just assumed you didn’t forgive me. Then when Preslee sent me the picture of his lips on yours—FUCK, what was I supposed to think? My pride was hurt, but more than that my heart was broken. I thought you chose him…again. And now, I know the truth and everything I thought I knew was a lie and other things are in my head.”

  I’m frozen, watching him unload this. “I didn’t. I don’t want him.”

  “But you did before. Some part of you did,” he steps back, giving me room to breathe. He begins to pace my kitchen.

  I can’t move. I try to find the words, digging deep in the recesses of my mind. I feel terrible that he thought those things. I never once thought he cared liked that, imagined me like that. He was with lots of girls. At least I thought he was. Just like he thought a lot of things about me. None of what we thought about the other was the truth. What was in our hearts, hidden from the other was.

  “Can I explain something?” I ask softly.

  He shrugs and sits down in a chair at the table. I stay rooted in my spot by the counter watching him closely, hoping I explain this right. “All of my life I had two guys in my life—you and him. You were and I hope always will be my best friend, Josh. And well, for the longest time he was also your best friend. I don’t know when I noticed things shifting between the three of us, just that they did. He started seeing me differently, but I saw you and I mean really saw you. It was always you. You stirred something unfamiliar in me, something I wanted to explore but feared. You have to understand that you were the only constant thing in my life that I knew I couldn’t lose. I saw what happened with my parents. I didn’t want to be broken the way my mom was. I wanted to keep you. So, I fought what I felt for you and I kept it in the friend zone. When you kissed me for the first time, I knew then that I would never be the same. I knew that with that one kiss I gave you my heart without meaning to. After the accident, though, things changed between us, you changed. And Dean he just…he was there at the right time. He didn’t make me talk. It was like he knew I didn’t want to. He was content with just being near me. I liked not being alone and I liked that he had a troubled soul just like mine. I didn’t know what made him that way, I still don’t. I just knew that with him, I didn’t worry about my dad’s mistakes or of losing control. I didn’t worry at all. With him I was completely numb. With you, I’m on high alert all of the time. I’m not at all in control. You are. My mind whirls with a thousand thoughts and concerns. I think it’s because I’m constantly worried about screwing up and losing you. He didn’t bring that out in
me because I didn’t care as much. I cared about him, not as someone I loved, but someone that meant something special to me, but not like you. Never like you. You meant everything to me,” my voice drops to a whisper, “You mean everything to me.”

  He’s staring at me sweetly, hanging on my every word, but he doesn’t speak. I moved near him at some point during my admission, like he was pulling me closer. I stand right in between his legs. He places his hands on the backs of my legs as I look down into his eyes.

  “He didn’t have my heart, Josh. You did. You still do. He never had the parts of me that mattered most. I gave you my heart. I gave you my body. I gave you everything I had to give. He never got that from me.”

  He swallows hard and shuts his eyes, resting his head onto my stomach. I cradle it in my hands. I’ve caused him so much pain without realizing it. I understand Dean’s words to me now. He told me I ruined them both. I touch his jaw thinking that he needs a shave, but also that I like this look on him.

  Heart pounding, I apologize and give him an out. “I’m sorry, I’ve caused you so much pain. Maybe you’re better off with someone like Natalie,” I say when he still hasn’t spoken.

  His head lifts and he narrows his eyes on mine in shock, “WHAT?”

  I shrug, “I just mean, maybe things would be easier for you. You’re there. She’s there. And I’m…here standing on top of cabinets looking for ways to disappear.”

  His hands pull me towards him just a little closer and his voice drops low. “Is that what you want? To stay apart?”

  I shake my head and wipe the tears that have started to fall. “No, but I don’t know how to do this either. We just keep hurting each other.”

  He stands and wipes my eyes with his thumbs. “So, let’s stop. I don’t know where to go from here, but I know I need you in my life. I need you.”

  I hug him tightly. “I need you, too.”

  We held each other like our lives depended on that one embrace. We only let go when the doorbell rang. Apparently Mr. James and my mom weren’t expecting Jocelyn till next week and Josh was being recruited to assist in putting together the crib and bassinet at the last minute.