Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  She looks over to me and asks, “Do you think everything happens for a reason?”

  I reach my hand onto her thigh and interlace my fingers with hers. “I guess so, maybe, some things. Like what?”

  She looks down at my hand holding hers and then up to my face where she appears to trace all of my features with her eyes. “I don’t know. I just think that it shouldn’t be so hard for us if it were meant to be. So much is stacked against us. And you saw that in there. Our parents had sex, Josh. They created a baby together. And she’s just perfection, right? Something so beautiful can’t be wrong. So what does that mean about our love?”

  “Yes, she is but we were beautiful, too, Riley.” I say, giving her hand a gentle squeeze and not liking where her head is at, not at all.

  “Were we? I mean I know parts of us were, but some parts of us were a mess, Josh. Our parents are together. I think they are together anyway. What does that mean for us? What if they get married? You would be like, my stepbrother, or something. I can’t sleep with my stepbrother. Isn’t that like some taboo incest shit?”

  I laugh and with the need to lighten the conversation do so. “Whoa there, Tinker Bell. I never said I wanted to have sex with you.”

  Her eyes lift to mine and hold the challenge behind them. Her lips curve up and build into a knowing smile. “You most definitely want to have sex with me, Parker. You wanted me last night.”

  “And you wanted me this morning,” I deadpan.

  “Touché,” she says, without disagreeing with me.

  I laugh and continue with our playful banter. “Josh and Riley, step siblings having sex. Oh, let me count the ways…so many ways.” I look over at her and laugh harder when I see her expression.

  She nudges my shoulder, “You are so stupid.”

  I tuck her hair out of her eyes. “No, really…there are so many things we haven’t tried yet. Taboo incest or not, we should totally experiment together.”

  She snorts and stands. “Oh, my God.” She rolls her eyes and punches me in the arm. I love it. She walks to the swing by the tree and I follow enjoying the lightness I feel now. I lean against the tree and watch her begin to swing.

  She looks up at me. “I miss this.”

  “What?”

  “You and me, playful like this,” she digs her feet into the dirt, slowing the swing to a stop.

  “We can be like this again,” I retort with hope.

  She shakes her head, frowning. “I don’t think so. Josh this is us as best friends. We’re like this when we are friends.”

  “And we’re not playful when we’re more?” I remember differently.

  “Yes, but we’re also serious and—,”

  “Hot. So hot.”

  She hops off the swing, juts out her hip and narrows her eyes on me. “Joshua Parker, would you get your mind out of the bedroom, please? Just fucking stop. Okay?”

  I smirk, “Damn, baby, I love it when you say fuck.”

  She grows exasperated and frustrated with me. I surrender when she attempts to walk off. I reach for her hand to pull her back in. Touching her fingers softly between us. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Look, you’re right. When we’re together we are more than playful. We are serious and deep. But I don’t mind it. In all honesty, I love the many flavors of us, babe.”

  She sits back on the swing and is just looking at me with a blank stare. I kneel down in front of her and grab her hands. “What are you trying to say, Riley?”

  She bites her lip. “We’re complicated when we’re more. I just don’t know where to go from here, or how much I can give you. You’re still in Louisiana. I’m still here. So much has happened and I don’t think we can just pick up where we left off. Last night I felt so conflicted. I still do. We need to get our shit together. I need to get my shit together.”

  I sigh, drop her hands and stand back up. “I disagree, kind of. But I will do whatever you need, pretty girl. If you want us to just be friends, then I will be the best one you can get. If you want to go jump in that lake right there,” I wave my hand to the water, “and reenact our first time together, then I’m game for that, too. I just want you to be happy, baby.”

  She looks to the lake and then snaps. “Josh, seriously, stop picturing us having sex. It’s really distracting when I’m trying to be serious with you right now.”

  I hold up my hands and apologize. “So we go slow. I can do that. I can be whatever you need me to be.”

  She looks at me with determination as she stands. “And what if I say I need you to just be patient? Could you? Because the truth is you might meet someone in Louisiana, someone less complicated, less damaged than me. And I’d totally understand if you wanted to move on. I would hate it because no matter what happens, Josh, my heart is yours. It’s shattered into little pieces right now and I don’t exactly know how to put it back together, but it’s yours.”

  She just doesn’t get it. “Look, last night you told me a story and now I’m going to tell you one. Okay?”

  “O’kay,” she drawls reluctantly, but with curious eyes.

  “You and I were here in this very spot after our parents died. I remember crying into your lap because I was just so lost, so broken, but you held me, Riley. You gave me what I needed when I needed it—you —just being there. All of my life you have been my girl. It didn’t matter if you were just my best friend. You were my girl. I wanted more with you. I’ve always and will always want more with you. When I held your hand, I knew it was out of friendship and I took it because it’s what you were comfortable with, but the truth is…I held your hand and wanted badly for that one small act to be me claiming you, telling the world you were mine. I watched you the same way you watched me. I knew what you felt just by looking into your eyes. Your eyes tell me the things your words don’t. But honestly, it was never just the two of us, not really. Dean was always in the shadows, even when we were younger and more so as teens.”

  She puts her hands over her face. “Please, Josh. Don’t talk about him. I am so sick of hearing his name. Can he just be forgotten?”

  I wish. I reach over and peel her hands away. “Just listen,” she nods and wraps her hands in my own. “It was always the three of us, but you and I had, we have something special. I saw him flirting with you, even before the accident. You might not know this, but I confronted him about it,” her eyes widen, “after I kissed you. I knew he could get in the middle and I didn’t want to share you. We fell for the same girl, though. I just…I didn’t think you would choose him. I never came right out and told you how I felt, not exactly. I spoke to you with music. I was scared. You weren’t ready and then the accident happened. I knew I fucked up. I pulled away and it wasn’t my intention. It wasn’t because I was angry with you or your family. I just…I shut down when things are tough. I battle it in my head on my own and then I’m good. I watched him with you for weeks. How he asked you out time after time and you refused. I knew he was wearing you down, though. I slowly saw a change in you around him. I hated it, Riley. But the thing was…you were smiling again. He was making you smile. So, I stepped back. I just wanted you to be happy.”

  She wipes at the tears that are now falling. “I…Josh, he… Shit! I don’t know how to explain, or how to apologize. You make me happy. I hope you know that. God, Josh, he never lived in here for me.” She touches her heart. “He never made music with me. Only you and I did that.”

  I take my thumb and wipe under her eyes. “I know, baby. I know you love me. I know no one will ever love me like you love me. I’m not saying these things to make you cry, or bring him up. I’m saying that I understand what you’re saying. You want me to be happy, too. Even if it means with someone else.”

  She squeezes her eyes shut like the thought pains her. I place a kiss to each of her eyelids. “It’s not going to happen, baby. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to bed. Shit, I dream of you, pretty girl. I dream of you in colors that don’t even exist.
You are in my lyrics. You are my music. I will give you whatever you need, but I’m not moving on. I won’t do that. You have my heart just like I have yours. I’ll be your friend, and hold your hand like I used to. Just know that I want more. I will always want more.”

  Her eyes flutter open and her lip quivers causing my eyes to lower to her mouth. Her beautiful mouth that I want pressed against mine for an eternity. “I do love you, Josh,” she says in a watery voice.

  I stare into her beautiful eyes. “I know. It’s just not enough for you right now. I get it. I love you, too.” A tear falls to my fingers that are on her cheeks. I pull her into my chest and hold her while she cries. I hold her just like she did me when I was broken.

  My mission is to wait this out and help her put the pieces back together. Let them mesh with mine, so we are one.

  We’re in the parking lot of Riley’s apartment just after dark. Everything inside of me is on high alert. I am on edge when I see Dean’s bike in the parking lot as well. I don’t know how to leave her. I don’t want to.

  She looks over at me still just sitting there unmoving and asks, “Are we going inside?”

  I sigh softly, knowing this is the last night I will see her for a while. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

  She lets me hold her hand as we walk together to her apartment. I glance to Dean’s door and fight the urge to barge in and give him a piece of my mind, again. It would solve nothing right now with Riley beside me. She doesn’t know it, but I will have words with him before I leave. He will leave her alone.

  She opens the door to her apartment, which is pitch black inside. “Where’s Emily?”

  Riley flips the light on in the living room. She walks to the kitchen and puts her phone and keys on the counter. “She text that she was going to a study group for a few hours.”

  I watch her walk to the fridge and pull out two bottles of water, leaving me standing in the living room awkwardly. I thank her when she offers it to me. My pulse is racing and my heart is thundering in my chest when I look up to the mantel. The mantel that held her glass jar with all of her money—the money she was saving to come to me. I find myself moving towards it without meaning to. I can feel her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. On the mantel are small photo frames with snapshots of her and I together, as well as different photos with Collin and Emily.

  I feel my chest hurt and I turn around almost breathless. She’s standing there, all cool and knowing. “It’s okay, Josh. You were angry and you thought that I…uh…it’s just a jar. I can replace it. Besides, it’s what I saved inside of it that mattered,” she says with understanding.

  I run my hands nervously into my hair. I was angry. She had just been through something awful, a night in hell with the devil. I was right here and I was cursing her name. She should have been able to run into my arms and instead I walked out the door, leaving her in pieces—just like the jar I shattered.

  This God awful scratching noise interrupts our awkward silence, followed by a series of crying meows from down the hall. “Oh, shit. That’s Tink,” Riley says as she runs down the hall. She opens Emily’s bedroom door and her white fur ball comes prancing out of the room, rubbing her body against her legs furiously, and purring loudly.

  “Awww…your baby missed you,” I say.

  She grins at me and then bends down to pick her up. She pets her fur. “Awww…baby. Did Aunt Emi accidentally keep you prisoner? I’m sorry,” she coos and carries her back down the hall.

  I’m trailing behind them with a goofy grin on my face. I might have broken her heart recently—shattered her jar of hearts—still, that gift in her arms was given to her by me. She walks to the kitchen and places her down by her food and water bowl.

  She turns finding me watching. “I know I’ve said it a trillion times, but thank you for giving her to me. A year ago on my front porch, I knew that it was a matter of time before I lost the battle with my heart.”

  I tilt my head to the side. “What battle is that?”

  She smiles shyly and says, “The one where I told my heart, I couldn’t have you.”

  She looks away and I step forward. I tuck the curl that has fallen loose from her ponytail behind her ear. She turns to look into my eyes. Our eyes are communicating without words. Her eyes are telling me to kiss her. I want to kiss her, but we’re friends now. Just friends.

  She blinks a few times after I clear my throat and then we step apart. Stupid idiot. I could’ve kissed her. I should’ve kissed her. I mentally berate myself as she begins walking out of the kitchen with me reluctantly following behind. My heart skips a beat when I realize we are heading towards her bedroom. I stop in the doorway when I see her sit down on her bed.

  “Are friends allowed in your room?” I ask half joking.

  She grins, “Being as though you’ve snuck into my bedroom window and slept in my bed many nights, I’d say you’re good.”

  I step in and immediately look to her pillow where I left the letter for her to find. I shake my head to rid my thoughts of picturing Dean in her room. That’s the only way he could have gotten her letter. She doesn’t know that, though.

  I see her dad’s guitar braced against the wall and smile. “I’m glad you’re playing again.” I say.

  She gives me a questioning look. “How do you know I’ve been playing again?”

  “You don’t know?” I ask.

  She gives me a funny look. “Know what?”

  I reach into my back pocket and pull out my phone. I tap a few words and then hit play.

  Her eyes widen, "Is that me singing All Around Me?" she asks.

  I nod my head. "Not weird, okay? Em sent it to me and well, I like listening to it. Besides, you’re on YouTube now anyway, so am I. Figured you knew.”

  "Okay, not weird. I listen to you, too. But back the truck up...I'm on what? YouTube? Since when? I most definitely didn’t know that."

  I smile, which quickly turns into a frown. "Since that night. You were recorded and uploaded I guess. So, then Emily and her bright ideas made us a YouTube channel. There are all sorts of Josh and Riley videos on there. We have fans. Scratch the not weird thing, it's kind of weird."

  She hums and distracts me by releasing her hair from her ponytail. It falls down in waves, making my hands twitch. "What videos does she have? I'm confused," she says oblivious.

  I groan when she lifts her sweatshirt off of her head and relaxes in her bed in a tank top. "You playing the guitar in your room singing acoustic, singing at the bar, me at the bar, me at Fourth of July, you practicing with Rebel, and one I had never seen, but it's funny." I laugh and she gives me the cutest expression.

  Her nose crinkles up. "Oh, God. Do I want to know?" She hides her face and I can’t help but laugh.

  "Yeah, probably not. You must have been drunk because you were rapping."

  Her hands fall away. "I was what? I don't rap."

  I laugh again, "Yes, you do and pretty good actually. It was funny."

  "I don't remember this. What song?"

  I take my phone and pull up the video for her to watch. "Your twerking skills are pretty good, too." I’d ask her to demonstrate for me right now, but then I wouldn’t be able to control our lines of friendship any longer.

  She gives me an incredulous look, rolling her eyes as I hand her my phone. She presses play on the video and there with hundreds of views and likes is her twerking and dancing to White Girl by Trina. Of course she is rapping the song like it's her favorite song. She looks up at me with amusement. “I remember that night. We were both drunk. It was a joke video for Vine. I'm going to kill her for uploading it to YouTube.”

  She begins flipping through the videos and her eyes grow big. "So, are we going to be YouTube famous now?" She laughs and it’s music to my ears.

  I shrug. "I've missed your laugh," I say suddenly without thinking.

  She stares at me with words she can't seem to bring to the surface. I imagine she is thinking she misses mine too, that she misses eve
rything, but she doesn’t say any of that.

  Sensing her discomfort I deflect and she inhales a breath of relief. “Will you play for me?” I ask her, picking up the guitar and sitting on the opposite side of her bed.

  She tucks her legs underneath her, sitting on her knees so sweetly. Something about her innocence stirs an emotion in my chest. “Like old times? Will you play something for me, too?”

  I nod, pushing the guitar toward her. She scoots to the headboard and sits with the guitar across her lap. She strums a few chords first, but then she pauses like she’s thinking. She gives me a pointed look. “Okay, well before you look too deep into it, just know that I happen to love this song. I know you will see more into it than it just being a song I love. But don’t okay? Just um…don’t judge.”

  “Okay, pretty girl. Play for me.” I sit back and watch her create magic before me.

  The second she strums the chords to Stars by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals I know what she meant by don’t look too deep into it. She shuts her eyes as she sings. I love that. I’m watching her mouth move, watching the emotion behind the words. She has me hypnotized just like she did that night at the bar because this is a side of her that she reserves for just me. She is full of shit if she thinks her not being able to look at the stars doesn’t mean something to her, to us. Her beauty is breaking my heart slowly. I know exactly what song I will play for her now. Her eyes flutter open and I’m almost breathless.

  “You’re amazing,” I whisper.

  She smiles a soft smile, sucking her bottom lip into her teeth. “Thanks. It’s your turn now.”

  She pushes the guitar over to me. I put the pick in between my teeth and get comfortable. When I look over at her, I find her eyes on my mouth. I take the pick into my fingers and clear my throat. Here goes nothing. She’ll either think this is corny, or she will understand what I’m about to say. I tweak the music to make it my own, giving it a little rock edge and nothing like the original. I just need the words so I sing her I Won’t by Colbie Caillet. Basically, I want her to know that I will do whatever she wants me to but I don’t want to pretend to only be her friend when she knows we are more. We will always be more. I see the pain, the fear and the hope in her eyes when I sing her the lyrics. I sing it slow, haunting and not upbeat like the original.