Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  My heart trips over itself when he says, “No, really, I will make my girl…my girl again. No more games. One of these days she will be mine forever. Hell, she’ll marry me.” I can’t breathe and Emily almost swerves off the road hearing his words through the speaker.

  He wants to marry me? I think about him the rest of the drive. Picturing us like that. How he would propose? How he would be so poetically sweet because he is. I want it. I want him badly.

  My heart and my head are buzzing. It would be a long and torturous several hours. I won’t see him until dawn.

  We’re in the gas station two hours out. Emily is gassing up the car and I’m chugging down an energy drink because it’s my turn to drive. Emily drove way more than her share, but she was good. We talked a lot about her intentions for when we meet up with Collin. Then we talked about Josh and me. Ya know? The future talk and what it holds for us. The men we love are in a different state, and well, that kind of puts a damper on things for the girls that were left behind.

  Emily climbs back in the car with a wary face. “What is it?” I ask.

  “Well, I realized our plan is flawed. We said we were going to surprise the guys, but two things we failed to think about. First, we have no idea where we are going, so we kind of need the address. Second, what if Collin is there with someone. I mean, what if I’m missing him and he’s not missing me?”

  I rest back in the seat and sigh. I hadn’t thought of either of those things. “Damn.”

  “Yeah, damn.”

  We are deliberating our options when my phone pings. It’s three in the morning and we still have two more hours to go. A simple question that I read and re-read over and over again before responding.

  Josh: WE’RE STILL JUST FRIENDS, RIGHT?

  I don’t know how to take that question, or understand why he asked it. My fingers hover over the two letters I want to respond with, “NO!” We are more. He has been the one that keeps saying it, wasn’t he? I mean what happened to his words from just hours earlier? That majorly conflicted with this question.

  I reply with my own question.

  Me: WHY?

  His response, two words and I am floored.

  Josh: I’M HORNY

  And that meant what? That he’s drunk and horny? That I’m not there and he’s horny? And I am what? Just his friend, so he has an excuse to what?

  “Shit, Shit, Shit!” I whisper shout.

  Emily looks over at me with confusion. “What is it?” she asks.

  I hand her my phone and turn the ignition. “Whoa. Um, okay, so he’s probably just flirting. I’m sure it means nothing. Don’t worry,” she assures me. Her assurance does nothing for my thundering heartbeat and rising panic.

  What the hell does she know? He’s drunk. I of all people know how judgment is clouded when alcohol’s involved. Why would he? He wouldn’t, right? He had just said on the phone all those words that had given me hope, all the words he’d been telling me for weeks now, but then he mentioned touch me and my sounds and how my skin felt. He’s drinking, drinking a lot and picturing sex. He’s a guy. A guy that is horny obviously and his girl is nowhere around. Mistakes happen when you’re drunk. I know this. Judgment is impaired. Inhibitions gone.

  I call his phone and it goes to voicemail. I don’t leave a message. My mind is working in overdrive.

  I stare out at the stars twinkling little wishes and lies to me while driving into what could be my downfall. I have no idea what is awaiting me.

  Definitely a first.

  Emily hums. “Well, we need the address of our destination. So, why not kill two birds with one stone?” she says.

  I’m not even listening. My head is elsewhere. I went from picturing his proposal and him whispering sweet nothings and sweet everything’s in my ear, to him potentially screwing it up because his head is clouded with lust and liquor.

  She puts her phone on speaker. Collin answers, “Hello?” It’s still loud in the background—lots of laughter and music playing. Why aren’t any of these people sleeping?

  “Hey,” she says.

  “Oh, shit! Hold on a sec.” The sound gets muffled and then it’s quiet, like he moves away from the noise. “Emily, is that you?” he asks.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” she whispers. She hasn’t talked to him in a while as far as I know.

  “Damn, baby it’s good to hear your voice. I mean, uh…S’up?” I chance a glance at her and she’s smiling. At least he’s missing her. She has nothing to worry about. Go figure it will be me walking into the wide unknown with Josh.

  She laughs. “Yeah, you too. Hey, um…Look, Riley and I are coming to New Orleans for Mardi Gras—,”

  “You’re coming here?” he interrupts excitedly.

  “Well, Riley wanted to surprise Josh. Kind of spur of the moment, but completely flawed because we don’t know where we are going. Can you text me the address?”

  “Yeah,” he says sadly. Then he asks, “What about you? Who are you coming for?”

  I’m steadily driving. The wheels turning against the pavement at the same speed the thoughts turn in my mind.

  “You, silly.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s good.”

  They both get quiet and I give her a pointed look quickly. She catches on and says, “Hey, um… Don’t tell Josh we’re coming, okay?”

  He laughs, “Not a prob babe. He’s been out for the count for a few hours,” he says.

  What? I exit off the interstate and come to a stop on the side of the road. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to breathe. I’m so confused.

  “What do you mean? Riley tried to call him and he didn’t answer. He’s with you, right?” she asks.

  “Yeah, he’s with me. More like I’m with him. He misplaced his phone somewhere, though. Well, more like he couldn’t remember where he put it. Besides, even if he had it, he wouldn’t hear it ringing. Jerk went upstairs and passed out hours ago.”

  “You sure? He text Riley not too long ago.”

  Collin hums. “Mm. Guess he found it then. I don’t know”

  Yeah, I would say he found it and so much more.

  CHAPTER 16

  Drowning slowly. I get her words now. How she falls under the water and tries repeatedly to catch her breath, bobbing up and down before she sinks.

  The office felt more like a judge’s chamber yesterday. Like I was about to be declared guilty or innocent and then given my sentence, read all of my rights.

  Last year I sat in my high school football coach’s office begging for a release. Then I sat in that office with my college coach and agreed to be my best. My best and what I wanted weren’t on the same page all of the time. It’s shown on and off the field all year.

  I sat in my coach’s office for ten minutes that felt like much longer, just waiting, and waiting even longer. When Coach O’Brian told me to meet him in the office at one without any further description, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t expect what he told me.

  I was drumming my thumbs and looking around the office at all of the trophies and media clippings on the walls and shelves. I knew I was on one of the best teams in the nation and I was to be their next quarterback. I was also aware that I was still seven hours away from the girl that I wanted to be with. Always a conundrum. A future that was constantly cloudy, teetering on the edge of beautiful and disaster.

  The door opened and in walked my current coach. I gauged him to see what kind of mood he was in. He was emphatic. “Parker,” he greeted shaking my hand, all business like.

  “Coach. How are you?” I asked.

  “Good. Good,” he said, sitting down behind the desk.

  “How’s that shoulder?” he asked.

  I tensed because it was sore when I lifted weights. “It’s good.”

  He studied me, and then threaded his fingers under his chin. “Look, Joshua.” Oh, shit was my first thought. This couldn’t be good was my second. He was using my first name and I just knew.
“We’ve decided to not renew your scholarship for next year. We don’t believe this is the best fit for you, or our program.”

  I was shocked, why I don’t know. They warned me when my GPA slipped. They told me my shoulder was a concern. “But I signed my national letter of intent. I’m here ready to play. This is my college.”

  “There is never a four year guarantee. We have agreed to release you if you choose to seek other opportunities within the clause of course. You will need to sit out a year, but that could be a good thing for you with your injury.”

  “I’m not injured,” I said harshly.

  He tilted his head to the side. “I understand this isn’t easy to hear, son. But your shoulder is giving you trouble, whether you want to admit or not.” Then he sat back in his chair, grabbed the mouse of his computer and ended the conversation. “Well, we will draw up the paperwork and be in touch.”

  That was that. I was dismissed. I was off the team. One year. One fucking painful year and for what? I got nothing but shit out of it. I lost the girl I love, all that garbage happened and it was just, “Sorry, there was never a guarantee?” Fuck that.

  I went to the corner store that never carded and bought a case of beer, then I headed to the park by this lake that reminded me of our spot back in Texas. I sat in the cab of my truck and drowned my sorrows, very much the way she would have done. How would I tell Riley that our year of misery was pointless and could have been avoided? What was I going to do? I needed the scholarship to go to college. My dad was going to shit a brick.

  I was about four in when my phone pinged with an incoming text from Collin.

  Collin: WHERE ARE YOU? HEADING TO THE GYM.

  I forgot the time. Collin and I always went to work out at that time together.

  Josh: LOST MY SCHOLARSHIP. AT THE LAKE GETTING WASTED.

  Collin: WTF?!? BE RIGHT THERE.

  I was lying back in the cab with my hands over my face when I heard Collin hop on the bed of my truck. “You alive?” he asked.

  I dropped my hands. “Yep, still ticking.”

  “Dude, what the fuck happened?”

  I ran my hands into my hair and then rested them behind my head. “Apparently I’m not the best fit for their program or some BS. Truthfully, I didn’t give it my all. I failed myself with this opportunity I was given. It’s just shit, though. I lost Riley over this and now…fuck it. I don’t know. My dad will be just so proud of me,” I said sarcastically.

  “Damn.”

  “Yep.”

  I’d spent the duration of the night scrambling to come up with a plan and feeling drunk. I didn’t tell my dad I was fucked. I didn’t tell Riley I was a failure when we spoke on the phone and I hated that I blew her off. I don’t think I had even admitted to myself that it was done and over. I didn’t have a spot on the LSU football team any longer. I needed to send out emails, make phone calls to past recruits, apply to various schools, submit my financial aid and pray. Pray hard for it to work out in my favor. Work out to where Riley and I could be together, not apart.

  I was researching all of this shit before Collin came to pick me up this morning. It’s Mardi Gras and we are spending the weekend in NOLA. A perfect distraction to my current nightmare, except it wasn’t because it was a first without Riley. On top of that, Natalie would be there getting on my last nerves.

  An email notification pops up on my laptop and my heart jumps to life.

  From: Riley Shaw

  Josh,

  I don’t know how to do this well. To put into words the things I feel. I practice it in the mirror, in private and it’s like every time I pick up the phone to actually say it out loud, I choke. I know I am keeping you at arm’s length and telling you that it’s the way I want it to be. Truth is, it’s the way I thought it had to be until we figure things out. Not that I want it to be that way. Because what I want is you. What I need is you. It’s timing, though. Our timing is never right, and it’s never easy, not that I believe it will ever be. So, I don’t want to wait for it to be perfect. I just want us to be together and I think if we are meant to be then eventually it will just happen, right? I don’t want to push and I don’t want you to pull. I just want it to happen. You’re my best friend, the boy I love with every breath I take and just in case you don’t know this yet…I miss you.

  XoXo Riley

  Then she left me a link to our YouTube channel and right there above my latest video of me playing Distance by Jack & Jack with the band at Daryl’s, is hers. I hit play and then paused it with my heart thundering in my chest. I stare at her beautiful face and feel so lost for words. I just lost my scholarship. She spent a year in misery because of this and how was I going to explain I wasn’t good enough and it was all for nothing. The video had been uploaded last night and I was drunk, too drunk to tell her I fucked this up. The title: My Reply – Apart we are a mess, but together we are music. I miss you.

  I hit play and drowned myself in her voice. It stole my breath away. I say she sang it, but the truth is she felt it, gave it to everyone to feel as well. Her voice was like an angel. Just beautiful. I swallowed down the words that she was saying and knew that was us—we are music that is meant to be made together. I wasn’t sure how she would feel when I told her what a screw up I was? She said apart, we are a mess, but together we are music. She’s so right.

  I leave a comment to her video. Missing you so much, pretty girl. Then I send her a text.

  She must really miss me because she text right away. My roommate and his girlfriend come barging in the room screaming at one another and I couldn’t wait to spend a weekend away, distracting myself from everything.

  “Dude, you need to slow the fuck down. This isn’t like you,” Collin says as I frantically look around for my phone nursing yet another drink.

  I had it with me on the porch when I was talking to her. I sat it down because I needed to take a piss. Now, it’s gone. What the hell? “I’m good. I’m good. If I could find my fucking phone, I’d be even better. You seen it?” I ask, stumbling around the living room.

  He shakes his head. “Did you call it?” he asks.

  I turn, stare at him and try to figure out why I didn’t think of that. I reach into my back pocket for my phone so I can call my phone and then call Riley again. But then it hits me. “Fuck. You’re an ass,” I say as he laughs at my drunken ass stupidity. “I’m going to bed. I’m so tired. Did Natalie finally get the memo?” I slur my question. She’s been hanging on me and pissing me off.

  He guides me to the stairs. “Yeah, guess so dude.”

  “I’mma have good dreams,” I mutter as I grab the rail of the stairs.

  He chuckles. “You do that. Tomorrow, it’s my turn to drink. Although, I don’t think you will argue this fact in the morning.”

  I tell him, “Whatever,” then I walk upstairs holding onto the side for support.

  Natalie comes walking out of the bathroom in the upstairs hall. She takes one look at me and smiles sweetly. She’s getting on my damn nerves. I cringe on the inside.

  “Going to bed?” she asks in that sugary voice.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I say.

  “Want company?” she asks, walking up close to me—too close.

  My brain is foggy, but then I remember why it is. I sidestep her. “Not a chance,” I say.

  Her eyes go cold and she is teetering on anger with me. “You will change your mind about me, Josh,” she suggests. I won’t.

  I get to my room for the weekend and peel off my jeans and t-shirt. I climb into my bed and I’m asleep within seconds. Blacking out all of my worries.

  CHAPTER 17

  Hitting rock bottom happens slowly I’ve learned. It’s not a quick descent. It’s little things that push you down, inch by inch until your flat on your ass completely out of breath.

  “Turn right in 140 yards. Turn right.” My navigation lady barks at me as I drive the streets of New Orleans. I’ve driven in circles for the last ten minutes getting lost and then found a
gain. They have so many damn one-way streets here. We finally find our correct turn and I sigh in both relief and trepidation. I’m scared. My heart has been beating so fast, both from the energy drinks I’ve drunk and from the fear of what I might be walking into.

  We park on the side of the road and I kill the engine. “That’s it,” I say, pointing to a two-story home on St. Charles. I take a deep breath and blow it out. My body is shaking.

  Emily grabs my hand. “We don’t have to do this. We can find a hotel and sleep. Call them later.”

  I shake my head. “No, he’s in there. I just hope he’s in there alone.”

  She nods and we both climb out of the car. I expected the street to look much worse than it does, but I guess they clean it after each parade. However, beads are dangling from electrical lines and the fences in front of the houses.

  We make our way to the fence that leads to either my demise or my future. I’m not sure which yet. A guy that looks vaguely familiar is sitting on the steps of the porch smoking a cigarette.

  “God, I could go for one of those. I totally forgot to buy a pack at the gas station,” Emily says.

  “I might be buying me a pack in a few minutes,” I reply hoping I’m wrong.

  The guy must think the same about me because he takes a drag and tilts his head to the side. He blows out the smoke and stands. “I know you,” he says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”

  He tosses his cigarette to the ground and stomps it out. “Yeah, I do. You’re Josh’s girl. We met at the bar. I’m Chris. Remember? Lemon drop guy.”

  I smile on the inside because he referred to me as Josh’s girl. “Ah. Good memory. Hey…um, her boyfriend gave us this address. Josh is in there, right?” I ask in a friendly manner waving toward Emily.