Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  YOU SMILE AND MY BREATH CATCHES

  YOU LAUGH AND I FORGET

  FORGET TO BREATHE, FORGET EVERYTHING

  BUT YOU AND NOW…

  AND THIS AND HOW…

  YOU LET ME IN AGAIN

  NO LONGER MAKING ME PRETEND

  WE SMILE… CONTENTED

  PEACEFUL IN OUR EMBRACE

  WE REMEMBER… REGRETFUL

  OF ALL OF THE MISTAKES WE WISH TO ERASE

  WE EXPLORE… THOUGHTFUL

  GIVING AND TAKING IN PLEASURE

  IN BREATHS AND MOMENTS TOGETHER

  IT NEVER WAS A SIMPLE THING

  WE’RE ALWAYS BARELY BREATHING

  TOGETHER WE FALL, BABY

  WE FALL INTO ANOTHER WORLD

  WHERE ONLY WE EXIST

  NO LONGER ABLE TO RESIST

  THIS LOVE CAN’T BE DENIED

  WE FALL BLIND

  WE FALL AND TOGETHER WE FLY

  GRAB MY HAND, JUST ONE MORE STEP

  CLOSER TO THE EDGE AND THEN WE LIVE

  The crowd cheers and my heart skips a beat feeling warmth spread throughout. My lips quirk up, “Thank you,” I say full on smiling now, feeling the heaviness in my chest weaken.

  I wink to Collin recording my song and slide off the switch on the microphone. I turn to put my guitar in my case and when I turn around I see the guy that caught my eye earlier standing to the side of the stage.

  I lift an eyebrow unsure of who he is. His eyes meet mine and his unreadable expression of earlier becomes clearer when his lips curl up into a grin. “You’ve improved,” he simply says.

  My eyebrows furrow, “I’m sorry. Do I know you?”

  He shakes his head. “No, not yet.” He smiles in a way that makes me curious, but then he turns and leaves, nothing more said. I go to chase after him, ask him what he meant, who he is, but I’m swarmed in an instant by giggling and batty lashes. I entertain it for a few moments. There is only one set of batty lashes that move me and I promised to call her back.

  Spring Break is upon us and things have settled off of me it seems. My dad and I have spoken on the phone, and as expected he’s disappointed.

  “I understand, Josh. I just wish you had tried harder. I’m not mad. I’m disappointed,” he said. Honestly, I don’t think there is anything worse to say to someone than, ‘I’m disappointed.’

  It’s awful and I did disappoint him. I disappointed myself. The only thing that makes this better is that in two days I will be back home with Riley. She’ll make this bad feeling become the best feeling and I won’t care about this any longer. Except, I do care.

  Thankfully, I’m doing a set tomorrow at the bar and that will kill some time. Tonight, though, tonight I’m drinking.

  “You’re what? Why would you want to do that?” I ask Riley after she tells me her plans for tonight. It’s Friday and if I didn’t have to play tomorrow I would be there with her, preventing this idea from becoming a done deal.

  “He’s gone, Josh. I haven’t seen or heard from him in weeks. I just want to see what it feels like to be up on that stage as me, singing my words. You know?” She asks me after explaining that she wants to sing as lead for The Dark Angels tonight with Rebel at none other than the very bar Dean once worked with her at.

  I try real hard to reel in my insecurity, my fear. It isn’t rational what I feel because I know, I believe in the very deepest part of my soul that I have nothing to worry about when it comes to him. She belongs to me. She’s mine and always will be. The fear, though, the fear is still there, real with claws that dig into my heart like a knife, twisting until I see red. The fear is not of her leaving me for him, not for her seeing something in him and giving in. No, it’s a fear that he would hurt her, that he could potentially hurt her. It’s a protective fear. A feeling like I am too far away to do anything if he did. A helpless feeling and I hate it. Yes, he’s gone. That’s what she thinks, but is he really, or is he hiding somewhere watching her from afar? The alcohol I consumed isn’t helping clear the fog in my head. It’s only making me feel more paranoid.

  “I get it, baby. Just please be careful. Call me when you’re home. I want to hear your voice before I go to bed.”

  She didn’t call me and my dreams taunted me.

  The sky was a violet color like you see in a scary movie when the paranormal world would waken. Something supernatural was in the air and I shivered as I held her hand in mine. She was oblivious to the chill in the night. No, she was staring into the night sky full of twinkling stars that were misguiding. I shook off the fear because she was so beautiful standing there, releasing my hand and twirling in a circle with her arms open wide as the first few rain drops slowly became a downpour. She stole my breath. Stole it right from my lungs as the lightening lit up the sky and the thunder rolled in the distance creating an electric glow around her. She looked into my eyes and the earth around us ceased to even exist any longer. Her gaze held mine, something predatory hidden in them, a love that was hungry. Her hair was sticking to her face and mine was meshed with my own skin. She moved closer to me, closer and closer until she was just a breath apart. Our breath danced between us, twirling and singing into the night air. I touched her face and she shut her eyes, leaning into it. I felt a swarm of things. Love, peace, recklessness, fear because I never wanted to lose this, this love with her, this moment of complete abandon and beauty. She was everything. Everything that made me believe—made me want to be better—be everything for her. I pressed my lips to hers and the song, Lost in Paradise by Evanescence began to play out of nowhere. The thunder and the lightening increased in intensity, as did our kiss. The rain poured harder as our bodies pressed tighter, deepening the kiss. This beautiful kiss that sealed both of our fate. Tasting, devouring, needing more, weeping, panting…it was the best damn kiss of my life and then it was over. Her name was being echoed in the dark sky from somewhere that had us both looking around, searching. She stepped away, her eyes becoming dizzy and dazed. Suddenly we were separated, under the same night sky by a black hole between us. We both looked down to our feet, unsure how to cross to the other without falling in. We could jump, but the hole widened pushing us further apart. I heard her gasp and when I looked up to find out why…he was there. Dean was stalking towards her with hatred in his eyes. I screamed her name, leaping across to her to protect her from his hands that were reaching for her. Her eyes wide with fear, her hands stretched out for me, but slipping, not in reach. His hand wrapped around her, covered her mouth, silencing her scream. I fell. Fell into the darkness of the hole between us unable to protect her.

  I woke up with sweat covering my body, my heart racing and my body trembling. I remind myself that it was just a dream. He’s gone. She’s safe. She just forgot to call me like she said she would.

  Fuck it! I shower and decide two days is two days too long.

  CHAPTER 25

  So, I tend to be really good at putting up walls. I guess I’m an architect like that. I hate that I put a wall between Rebel and I when my writing became hard to hear. Good thing my friends are really good at removing them and reminding me of the beautiful things that I have in my life.

  The music has accidentally become my buzz. After spending hours talking with Rebel while Brandt created his magic on my ribs, she and I have rekindled our friendship. The days I rehearse with the band have become my refuge. It’s only been a few times but I feel on fire. Like I am finding myself again. Finding my voice. My hands once again on the piano again or around the guitar have become the best medicine for me. A week of beauty, of being free.

  I’m at The Dark Days admiring my tattoo in the mirror, as I get dressed for the show, my second show. Brandt did such an amazing job on my bird tattoo, it’s healing beautifully and I’ve spent a lot of time admiring it. Repeating the poem. Doing everything I can to hold onto the light in my dark spot that isn’t feeling so dark any longer. At least not when I’m surrounded in all things Joshua Parker. My music has become Joshified lately, at least that is what
Rebel said. It’s all warm and gooey instead of dark and dreary.

  “I can fly,” I say out loud. I’m ready to be the lead Dark Angel, embrace my wings, my voice…my words. I need to let my writing become my new escape and take Rebel’s advice when it comes to music. I have a gift and I need to own this gift. Find my voice. Besides, I need something to distract me from missing Josh and last night felt amazing. Other than the moments Josh has his hands on me, I’ve never felt so intoxicated and been sober.

  “You look badass, Shaw,” Rebel says as I lower my shirt and put on my jewelry, including my dog collar.

  I won’t work at Dark Days in their uniform, but I will be the Dark Angel I was always meant to be with Rebel and the band in my clothes. Of course she’s ecstatic that I agreed to play with her again tonight, and I know it will be amazing...well, potentially amazing. Last night was, but it was also scary as hell and tonight I’m singing, “The song.” The one I wrote for Josh. I gave it a name, Home. That is what he is to me.

  Thinking of Josh puts a dark cloud above my head. He was upset with me last night about singing here, but deep down I know he’s proud of me. Then he was upset I forgot to call him. I tried to explain my phone died and he tried to explain that he was scared something happened to me. He’s just nervous for me. I get it, but I’m good. I’m feeling better, stronger and safer. He doesn’t need to worry so much anymore. We’re okay. I’m okay. And he will be here with me on Monday to see all of this for himself.

  I look over to Rebel while my nerves are zip zapping like crazy. “Thank you. I feel like I’m going to throw up,” I admit rubbing at my stomach that is chocked full of butterflies on speed.

  I’m decked out in my all black outfit. Black and red plaid mini skirt, black combat boots, black ripped up shirt layered over a dark red cami. My hair is a mess as usual and my eyes are lined a little darker than every day. I have on my bangles and studded choker from Hot Topic.

  “Are you kidding me? After last night, Riley? You killed it,” she says rolling her eyes, not understanding why I’m nervous and feel sick.

  I sigh and continue to pick at my clothes, and fix things that aren’t even out of place. “Last night was different. I wasn’t singing the first song I’ve ever written that is like this. I’m on my own for this one. Playing the piano, bearing my soul. This is epic and I might choke.” I feel dizzy and slide against the wall, down to the floor feeling the panic attack trying to escape.

  “Y’all are on in ten,” Emily says, peeking her head in. Seeing me on the floor, she makes her way fully into the room, shutting the door behind her. “Are you okay?” she asks.

  I shake my head and try to breathe in and out. “I’m scared. I…I never should have agreed to this. Last night was great, but I’m not ready to sing this song. I’m not ready.” I repeat the words and shudder.

  Em grabs my cheeks and makes me look at her. “Listen to me, Ri. This is who you are, whether fearful or not. These are your words. It lives in your heart, in your veins. Bitch, you kicked ass last night. You were the boss. You have nothing to be afraid of. I heard you sing this song and it’s beautiful. The best I’ve ever heard you sing. The sweetest words you’ve ever written.” I shut my eyes. “Riley, You.Can.Do.This,” she says each word slowly, convincing me.

  I take a huge pull of air into my lungs and open my eyes. “I can do this,” I repeat it like a mantra, rolling the words out while I exhale.

  She nods, her head bobbing up and down slowly. “You will do this,” she corrects.

  I laugh, but it’s not a laugh of humor, it’s a nervous laugh forced out to convince me that I can and will do this. “Yes, ma’am. I will do this.” I wrap my arms around her neck and tackle her. “I love, love, love you gobs and gobs,” I say kissing her cheeks and making her squeal. Needing playful banter to erase my anxiety.

  “A’hem,” Rebel clears her throat. “I’m the one that likes girls here and feeling left out of this smooch fest. Thanks for that,” she says, pouting, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away.

  Em and I nod, communicate with our eyes, jump up and stand on both sides of Rebel, each pressing a hard peck leaving lip stains on both cheeks. “There, you’ve been smooched,” I tell her.

  She grabs my face and plants a slobbery kiss on my mouth. I push her back. “Oh, my…God! Why did you just do that?”

  She bends over laughing, pointing her finger, grabbing her stomach while I just stare in shock. “Hello, Rebel. Why did you just try to shove your tongue down my throat?”

  She stands, wipes her eyes of tears and smirks. “Are you nervous still?”

  I shake my head. “No, I’m kind of pissed. You invaded my mouth, and yuck! What is that taste in your mouth?”

  She grins, “Whiskey. Mission Accomplished. Let’s go.”

  “What? Mission what? I’m so confused.” She pulls my hand toward the door.

  She turns to me, grabs my cheeks and I cringe away. “Relax. I won’t kiss you. I’m trying not to be offended right now being as though I saw the way you kissed your other girl bestie one night and you thoroughly enjoyed that. I was only distracting you. Try not to be so grossed out. Okay. No more thinking. Just feeling.”

  She pulls me out the door and toward the stage.

  “You ready to do this?” She asks, offering me the flask that is filled with whiskey. The whiskey she has already had apparently. They each ritually take a swig before each set.

  “Not really. I’m sort scared out of my mind. I kind of, not really hate you for pulling me into this. In the same breath, I love the hell out of you,” I explain grabbing the flask from her hand greedily.

  Laughter billows from her chest. “You are going to rock this shit, Riley.” Her faith in me is crazy.

  I’m holding the guitar and mentally preparing myself for what I’m about to do. Tonight, I’m Rebel. Tonight, I’m the lead singer of the Dark Angels, and then I’m just me, Riley Shaw behind a piano singing about coming home. I glance at her and eagerly take a swallow of the poison she just handed me. It’s not for numbing this time. It’s for celebration and maybe a little for calming my nerves. I choke and cover my mouth with the back of my hand.

  “God, that taste like an ash tray. It’s disgusting,” I say causing her to chuckle more. I then take another swallow because I’m about to piss my pants with nerves.

  I feel the goose bumps race on my arms and that tingle I felt last night. An adrenaline rush or some thrill of emotion hits my system when I step up on the stage.

  It’s time to be the real me.

  Tonight, we have a small set: two songs as a band and the third song is mine. My turn to shed my many layers, peel off my armor and be vulnerable. The first song we sing is badass. I wrote it last year and literally handed the words over to Rebel and said, “Here, make it yours.” She did. She made it amazing. I’d needed to vent, to let the words out and throw them away. She turned my trash into a treasure in punk proportions.

  It starts out slow, haunting, sung a cappella usually by her except tonight it’s by me. Flowing into the acoustic guitar and then the drums pick up and the whole song becomes an edgy, punk rock break up song full of attitude. She calls it a kiss off. I call it relief.

  DARK EYES, MISGUIDED BY LIES

  LITTLE SECRETS, CLEVER TRICKS

  MANIPULATION WITH SWEET NOTHING TO WHISPER

  IN MY EAR, FALSE SECURITY TO FLICKER

  YOU THOUGHT I DIDN’T CARE

  THAT I DIDN’T SEE

  BUT I WAS WELL AWARE

  OF WHO YOU WERE TO ME

  SO OVER THIS RIDE OF HIGHS AND LOWS

  SO DONE THIS TIME, I’M LETTING GO

  YOU WANTED YES. WELL, I SAID NO!

  I MUST CONFESS, BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW

  THAT I’M ALL TOO BROKEN TO BE FIXED

  I CAN’T BE CONTROLLED OR CONVINCED

  YOU’RE CRUEL AND RECKLESS

  I’M ALONE AND BREATHLESS

  YOU’RE NOT THE ONE TO HOLD THE STRINGS

  T
HAT THREAD MY PIECES AND HELP ME BELIEVE

  IN COLORS THAT LEAD ME OUT OF THE DARK

  THE ONE I LOVED FROM THE VERY START

  SO OVER THIS RIDE OF HIGHS AND LOWS

  SO DONE THIS TIME, I’M LETTING GO

  YOU WANTED YES. WELL, I SAID NO!

  I MUST CONFESS, BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW

  THAT I’M NOT YOUR GIRL, NOT ANYMORE

  NOTHING IS AS IT WAS BEFORE

  WE LIVED A LIE

  THAT MUCH IS TRUE

  NOW, I’M JUST FINISHED WITH YOU

  We sing another song and then it’s my turn. God, I’m freaking out, completely and utterly freaking out. I sit down behind the piano and place each of my fingers on the keys. I take a staggering breath, slowing my racing heart and begin. I let my words have life. I sing about him, his love. I let my heart come home. My eyes close and the world is drowned out. You could hear a pin drop, the place is silent. All eyes on me and all I feel is this. Peace, relief and the sweetest release. This slow, haunting melody that bleeds from my veins, from the deepest part of who I am seeping onto the floor of this stage and then everywhere. I might as well have ripped my heart out and set it on the stage to beat, to breathe, to sing to the world because that is what this song is for me. My heart being left exposed for all to see.

  I’m finishing up the last chorus and my body covered is goose bumps. I hadn’t realized just how attentive the room had become during my song, but now that I open my eyes, I know. This song moved this room as much as it moved me writing it and now singing it openly. I slide my hands off the keys and sing the end a cappella.

  AND I AM FINALLY HOME

  WITH YOU, I BELONG

  I AM YOURS AND YOU’RE MY HOME

  I end the song and smile, breathless. I did it. I sat vulnerable and cut open and I did it. I stand to thank the crowd and freeze. My heart free falling. My chest tightening. My knees weakening. My hand covers my mouth as I gasp. There, in the back of the room, hidden and looking deep into my eyes is the reason for all of this. My lyrics. My growth. My constant ache. Here, now…in this bar where he just heard me sing that song. His song.