Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

She blinks a few times. “Um…”

  “No um… If I audition with one of my songs, then you need to audition with one of yours. If we make it on then great, if we don’t, then what did you say again? We can travel and play by our own rules?”

  She nods. “So we chase the music?” she asks.

  I roll her onto her back and look down at her. “No, baby. We become the music. Poetically perfect.”

  Her chest rises heavily and her lips part. My eyes are drawn to her mouth as always and I find myself leaning down as she is leaning up. Our lips touch, unmoving for a moment, then she opens her mouth and barely licks my lips. That’s all it takes for our kiss to deepen. We make out in the bed of my truck underneath the stars that we love so much for a while—just kissing, tasting and embracing one another—an innocence that we both enjoy even in its simplicity.

  This night is very much like a night pulled from last year’s playbook, hanging out outside together, flirting, kissing and just being playful. We talk about our future and about us. It’s like we were on a date because in the end, I walk her to her door and I kiss her goodnight.

  Emily and Collin have made plans to spend the weekend with his mom and then head to the beaches of Florida, therefore, Riley decided to spend some time at home with her family as did I. We have no plans for the week like they do, just going day by day. A week of us. A week of freedom doing whatever we want, whenever we want. I am missing so much being gone and I need to play catch up. And being as though we are at our parents’ homes we are very much like neighbors and best friends again, not like lovers who want nothing more than to be naked and between the sheets. She reminds me, though, that her window will be open and I can’t wait to take a walk down memory lane as I climb through her window tonight.

  I walk next door to my house and find my dad in a heated conversation with Riley’s mom in our living room. They must not realize I’m there because they both keep speaking.

  “Haven’t we done enough damage to these kids, James? They break up because he leaves town and then I get knocked up with your child and everything is flipped upside down for them. Full of uncertainty and worry. So he wants to figure things out, find himself…is that so bad?”

  “I’m not saying it’s bad, Claudia. I’m saying it’s reckless. He has the potential to be something great.”

  “And you don’t think he can be something great without football?”

  “I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth. I’m saying he shouldn’t waste his talent on a foolish dream. There is no future in music.”

  I listen and I listen intently. It’s odd that Riley brought up music. I told my dad earlier tonight that music was my passion and that I wanted to pursue it. Then she out of the blue without ever even speaking to me about it suggests the same thing. It’s kismet.

  I hear Riley’s mom clear her throat and sigh. “Before Riley was born, I used to sing. Evan was a lot like Josh. He played guitar, he wrote songs for me. He stole my heart in lyrics. He had crazy ideas for us. Driving from Austin to Nashville then to Vegas and anywhere else we could go. Singing, playing and just letting the music be our road map. It was reckless, you are right about that. But I couldn’t wait to do it with him. Isn’t love a little reckless at times? After all, we had an eternity to figure out the big plans and to be grown ups. That’s what we thought. We had such a short time to be young and foolishly in love. In the end, we had no choice. Our choice was made for us when I got pregnant with Riley. His reckless dream was no longer. The music became a hobby. A job was priority, school at night and relying on his parents for support. We were forced to grow up too fast.”

  “He’s nineteen years old, Claudia. I’m not forcing him to grow up too fast. He’s grown. He needs to think about his future—,”

  “I am,” I interrupt him walking in the door. “All I think about is my future, Dad. I think about how short life can be. I think about the year I’ve wasted.”

  “Wasted?”

  “Yes, Dad. Wasted. I lost a year with her. A year I can’t get back and for what? For nothing. I don’t want to waste time anymore. It can be gone in the blink of an eye. You can wake up one morning, get dressed for school and barely tell your mom goodbye because you just forget to do those small things every day. You can sit all through class and half hear everything being taught to you because you don’t really care. You’re too busy thinking about how the girl next door said she wanted to tell you something after school and you can’t help but wonder what that something is, but then you remember you won’t get the chance to hear it because you need to hurry home, shower and get changed for a banquet later that night. A banquet that you know will make your dad so proud when the championship ring is handed out because you helped lead the team to that victory. The entire day can go by so quickly and in a blur of emotions. Not thinking twice about your mom leaving early because she has work, not feeling bad that she slipped out and you didn’t say goodbye, or that you loved her more than anything in the world because you knew you’d see her the next morning and it wouldn’t be the last time you could say those words. Not thinking past that moment, not expecting anything at all. Blinking, a few breaths and heartbeats later…she’s gone.

  It happens so fast. Losing time. Losing people you love. Doing things that matter so little. Riley shut down, I shut down. Everything in our lives has been intertwined from day one. The day we lost our parents, we lost our way and I’m just thankful we healed and made our way back together. I’m not asking you to understand why I don’t want to play football, Dad. I’m just asking you to see that what I want is to not look back and regret moments I missed. Moments that I might not get back. Maybe, nothing comes from the music. Maybe it is a foolish dream and all I get is rejection. At least I’m trying. At least I’m hoping for the best out of it. I’m asking for a year. A year for me to be myself. If after a year nothing works out, then I will go back to school. I won’t play football, Dad. I don’t want to be you. But I will go back to school and I will hunker down and hit the books and become something great like you want. But what if I become something great in the process, something great between now and then… Isn’t it worth it to try? Riley wants to come with me. We want to do this together.”

  I hear a sniffle and a choked back sob and I see Ms. Claudia in tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about what all I said. I didn’t mean to—,”

  She wraps her arms around me and sobs. “Don’t. Don’t apologize. She’s your mom. You love and miss her and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and Evan, too. None of us knew that day would be our last to say everything we should have said.” She releases me and looks over at my dad. He’s rooted in his old ways and struggling with this. “James, we always want what’s best for our kids. We want to protect them and hide them from every ugly side of the world we can. Our kids love each other. Always have and always will. Our lives changed that day and we never saw it coming. We spent years stuck on replay. I know I did. What you and I did was a little reckless, wasn’t it? Now look,” she waves over at Jocelyn curled up in a ball on the couch with her Boppy pillow. “We have her and she’s perfect. Some of the craziest decisions become the best decisions we’ve ever made. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that we don’t always get second chances. And when it comes to our kids, they will do what they want to do regardless of what we say, sometimes in spite of what we say. We just have to trust them and pray for them and be there if they screw up.” My dad is staring at the baby and I see the guilt and the worry on his face. “Do you regret her?” she asks him in a soft voice.

  His eyes cut to hers. “What? No! How could you ask that?”

  She shakes her head and lifts her hands like it’s obvious. “Because James. I’m not Jessica. You love your wife.”

  His mouth falls open. “Yes, I love my wife. I will always love her, but she would want me to move on and be happy, wouldn’t she? I think she would. Why would you ever think that just because you’re not Jessica that I would r
egret our time together? Or regret our daughter? I…you and I…we…she’s everything and I love her.” He trips all over his words and looks at Jellybean.

  He loves her? He’s looking at the baby, but my instincts tell me he’s referring to Riley’s mom. It hits me when he’s so nervous. He might even be in love with her. In an instant I feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I think I’ve known it and I’ve even made jokes about it. However, seeing it…now…like this—I’m torn.

  He doesn’t say more. He just looks back to Mrs. Claudia despairingly. “No regrets,” he whispers.

  She wipes at her eyes and walks to pick up the baby who stretches so cutely when she lifts her to her chest. “You are the glue, baby girl,” she mumbles as she kisses her forehead. Then she turns around and walks back over to my dad. “You’re a man of little words, James. I’ve learned this. I have a lot of regrets in my life. A lot of time spent wishing I had said, or did something just a little differently. That day with Evan is a huge one of those moments. My time with you, however, isn’t one of those. You have a good kid. My daughter is lucky to have him in her life. I worry about the impact our decisions have on them. I worry about it daily. So many obstacles will be in the way for them because of this bundle of joy right here. I don’t regret her and you don’t regret her. She’s the glue that has repaired our hearts and given us each a little bit of faith in the beautiful things we’ve forgotten, but she’s part you and she’s part me. That complicates things. They have enough to battle without battling us, too. Just my two cents. What do I know though? My daughter only started talking to me a month ago when I forced her into counseling.” She cups my dad’s cheek, inwardly I cringe, but deep down I smile because we’re family now and all she wants to do is help us. Weird or not, my heart is warm.

  My dad leans down and kisses her forehead, then kisses Jellybeans forehead. “You’re a good mom, Claudia. We have a lot we need to discuss I think. This man of little words is obviously not doing a great job of explaining himself. Right now, though, I need to talk to my son alone. I know you mean well and everything you’ve said I have heard. I love,” he clears his throat, “that you are there for me and wanting to help. I’ll uh, see you in the morning before work. Okay?” He rolls his neck nervously and she smiles. Yep…a little more weird than warm.

  After she leaves I can’t help but smirk. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks.

  I nod my head knowingly. “You’re in love with her.”

  He rolls his neck again, slightly shivers. “That is none of your business, son.”

  “M’hm. I walk over and plop down on the couch. “I’m not changing my mind, Dad.”

  He walks over and plops down in his recliner chair opposite me. “You’re a Parker. Stubborn ass genes. Didn’t think you would.”

  We sit in silence for a beat. “You gonna marry her?” I ask him after a while.

  He coughs, “I think that would complicate things a bit more, don’t you?”

  I sigh, the impact of that could be destructive to Riley and me. “Jellybean is going to ask questions one day. She will learn to talk and walk, Dad.”

  “M’hm,” he says.

  “I’m going to marry her sister. I kind of had dibs.”

  “Dibs?” he asks laughing.

  I huff, “Yes, Dad. Dibs. I was with Riley well before you decided to go and have a one night stand with her mother.”

  “Son, that mouth of yours is trouble! You got that from your momma, you know that? I’m not discussing my love life with you.”

  “Well, apparently you aren’t discussing it with your baby momma, either. What was that? I…you and I…we…She’s everything and I love her bullshit? You don’t usually stutter so much. You love her. Tell her you love her.” I make fun of him, knowing we can do this kind of thing. Our banter is always fun loving. I also internally slap myself because what the hell am I doing encouraging this?

  He growls and stands up. “Quit giving your old man a hard time. It’s complicated. You know this. Honestly, I’m a little surprised at what you’re asking of me.” Yeah. Me too. “I’m going to bed. My head has had enough conversation for one night. Is Jo staying next door?” he asks.

  I answer with a nod of my head and he turns down the hall.

  I’m in my bed now, staring out the window at Riley’s silhouette in hers. She’s getting undressed and I watch mesmerized as every curve of her body is exposed to me behind the screen of her window curtain. My own private show. I feel stalkerish and yet not at all guilty. Her breasts are perfectly perky and my dick twitches the more my eyes fixate on her body. I watch the outline of her figure move around the room. She has no idea how beautifully, sensual she is. She slips on something over her head and climbs onto her bed, drawing back the curtains and catching me being a peeping Tom. Her hand flies to her chest as though she is spooked. Then something changes in her demeanor. Something mischievous.

  Only my window faces her house. So no one else can see her but me, and she knows it. My eyes peruse her body. She has on a white wife beater shirt and these cute little black boy shorts. I’m enjoying my view when she disappears from the window and my phone pings.

  Riley: IT’S NOT VERY NICE TO WATCH A GIRL IN HER BEDROOM WINDOW UNINVITED

  I look up and she’s back in front of her window, sitting back on her heels and smiling.

  I text back.

  Josh: SO INVITE ME PRETTY GIRL ; ) I LOVE WATCHING YOU

  I look up from my phone and my breath hitches when I see her lift her tank over her head and toss it to the side. There. On her heels looking innocent and submissive is my girlfriend in nothing but her cute underwear. She lifts both her hands to cup her breasts, her eyes locked with mine. What is she doing? I tear my eyes away and send another text.

  Josh: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING PRETTY GIRL? YOU’RE KILLING ME.

  I see her eyes drop and then her hand grabs the phone as she types.

  Riley: INVITING YOU TO WATCH. YOU WANTED ME TO SHOW YOU, YEAH?

  Damn.

  Josh: YEAH, YOU CAN SHOW ME

  My girl has officially become a vixen. She lifts onto her knees, dancing her thumbs beneath the fabric of her shorts. Torturing me as she slides her legs a little wider. She looks over her shoulder, and climbs off the bed to walk to the door where I watch her lock it. I also groan when I notice her shorts say Juicy on the back. My eyes are feasting on her delicious ass. Good, Lord.

  She slowly meanders back to her bed, standing next to it and staring at me. Her thumbs hook into her panties again and then she seductively steps out of them. Perfect. She’s perfect. She crawls onto the bed on her hands and knees and I decide I don’t want to watch from here. I open my window and climb out. She laughs. I get to hers, sliding it up and she smirks.

  “I do believe I only invited you to watch, Josh.” She whispers as she lies invitingly across her bed. I climb through her window, shutting it behind me and pull her curtains closed.

  I rake up and down her body, tracing every curve with my eyes. “I can watch better from here,” I admit as I lift one of her legs onto my shoulder and place a gentle kiss to her ankle. Goose bumps race up her leg and she shivers. “Show me, pretty girl. Show me how you pleasure yourself when you think of me.”

  She bites her lip, her hands clenching the sheets as I release her leg and hover above her body on my hands and knees, just staring deep into her eyes, refusing to touch her. “I have you here now. I don’t need to,” she whispers. Her words are all breathy and full of need.

  I shake my head and bite my lip painfully. “I’m not touching you, not yet.”

  “Josh,” she says my name pleadingly when I press my clothed body down onto her. Rotating my hips to show her just how much I want her. She pushes her hips up, needing more friction. I lift back up onto my knees, leaving her frustrated. I smirk and she calls me the devil. Hmmm…I like playing with her. I lick behind her ear, her spot and she moans softly into my shoulder. I begin kissing her neck and she tilts to give me be
tter access. I begin kissing my way down to her breasts, taking note at her hardened nipples. I lick and then suck one into my mouth, teasing with my teeth as my hand keeps her other breast company. She begins whimpering and writhing, trying hard to apply pressure against my body. I don’t let her. I stay just enough away. Her hands are in my hair and then down my back attempting to pull me in close. I resist. I pinch her nipple at the same time I gently nip at the other with my teeth. She cries out and I silence her with my mouth, my tongue erotically moving against hers. Her fingernails dig into my back painfully. My restraint is slipping. I’m sure she drew blood. “Please, Josh,” she begs against my mouth.

  I sit back on my heels and stare down at her, regaining my control. Her breasts red, her lips swollen and the scent of her arousal in the air, has me torn between what I want and what I need. “Show me!” I climb away from her and off the bed, my hand reaching behind my back to lift my shirt off. She draws in a breath when I lower my shorts and boxers in one move, standing in front of her naked and ready. Her eyes flick down and she hums her appreciation.

  I wrap my hand around my dick, watching her reaction. This is new. We have never explored ourselves in front of one another. I can tell she likes what she see’s by the way she begins breathing. “Show me,” I tell her again, finding my own rhythm.

  “Oh, God. That’s hot,” she whispers, biting her lip and squirming. “You’re not playing fair.”

  I bite my own lip, seething at how good this feels—her eyes on me, her hands reaching to her breasts—so hot. She gives in. I knew she would. Her hand travels down her stomach painfully slow and then she touches herself. Showing me how she does it. How she makes herself come by thinking of me. She’s watching my hand and I’m watching hers. When I look into her face and see the complete abandon in her eyes, how lost in lust she is I lose it. I’m on her. Pulling her to the side of the bed. Her legs wrap around my waist as I stand between them. I have to remove her hand because she’s still playing. Seeking the release I want to give her. Only me.