The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance

by Rachel De Lune

  “Whatever.” He slammed the door behind him, leaving me in his room alone.

  I didn’t know what I’d done wrong or what I should have said to make this situation better, and I hid my face in my hands as I curled up on Maddison’s bed. It smelled of him, that dark and musky scent that made me think of rain and storms. Lying in his bed, breathing him in, I feared that somewhere along the line, my feelings for my friend had short-circuited, mixed up and grown into something much more intense. But I also knew that it wasn’t just for Maddison that my heart had grown confused.

  “Knock knock. Is it safe to come in?” Oliver popped his head around the door, but I didn’t move from my spot.

  “Did you hear?” I asked, assuming that was why he’d ventured in. The bed dipped, and I knew he was just a few feet away.

  “I heard enough.” He placed his hand on my calf and rubbed my leg, coaxing me from my hiding position in Maddison’s pillow. “It wasn’t your fault he got into trouble. That’s all on him.”

  “I know.” I sat up to look at Oliver. “I don’t understand why he got so mad at me, and now I feel like I’ve made things worse.” Tears stung my eyes, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of Oliver. It was a constant irritation around both of them.

  “He’ll come around. He’s just…”

  I looked up at him and searched his eyes for the rest of the sentence. It didn’t come and the tension built between us, smothering me once again. It was all too much, and the tears that were threatening started to swim before my eyes.

  “Come here.” He opened his arms, and I crawled to him, desperate for him to take this feeling away. His arms wrapped around me, offering me solace and comfort, and I felt my heart thaw as if it had been locked in ice all these years, frozen in fear as to what to do for the best. Oliver felt like home, and I couldn’t help the little sigh that escaped from my mouth as he squeezed me tighter.

  “Grace, Mum says dinner is…” Mads swung the door open and stopped, looking at us curled up on his bed.

  “Nice. Thanks, man. Were you waiting until I left? You are such a loser.” He shook his head and looked at me as if I’d just betrayed him all over again. And the worse thing was, I felt like I had.

  He turned and stomped down the stairs. “Mads, wait.” I pulled out of Oliver’s arms and immediately felt the cold chill of pain from hurting Mads’ feelings. Racing after him, I didn’t catch him but saw the back of the door close behind him.

  “Hey, what’s going on? Dinner’s on the table.”

  “Thank you, Vivien.” I looked at her, trying to hide the worry on my face that I’d done something foolish.

  “Am I missing something?” she asked, as Oliver came down the stairs as well.

  “Mads left,” Oliver said as he walked past us both into the kitchen.

  We all took a seat at the table, but even the bubbly deliciousness of Vivien’s lasagne couldn’t stop me from thinking about Mads.

  Oliver spent the entire time trying to catch my eye, but I did my best to ignore him, unable to look at him without feeling a tonne of guilt. Guilt because I had feelings for Oliver. And feelings for Maddison.

  They were my everything, and it was naive to think I’d be able to keep this as simple friendship. I’d adored both of them since I was seven years old. They took away my pain, made me smile, and kept me strong. The only problem was you weren’t supposed to love two boys at the same time. And I’d never choose between them.

  So, what could I do?

  Chapter 9

  Oliver Eighteen Years Old

  I thought going away for University would be good. I’d get away from Maddison and the destructive brotherly love that had developed between us. We’d always struggled to see eye to eye, but now Grace stood between us and drove us towards hate. She didn’t mean to. She wanted those magic moments when we were kids and thought we could take over the world with our friendship. The time we spent together was like a balm to the friction that Maddison and I generated. We vied for her attention, but she also brought us together.

  Our friendship had morphed into a toxic mess of lust, love, and hate, all veiled under a cloak of secrecy because if we acknowledged how each other felt, it would destroy us.

  At least Maddison knew the problem—it was only Grace who refused to look at the reality we were facing. And every day that passed, the pain grew in her eyes, because she was stuck in the middle and didn’t know what to for the best. By us both being here, being brothers and in her life, we were the cause of her pain.

  So, University was going to give us all a break. But I needed it the most. I’d fallen in love with Grace the moment I saw her. It wasn’t clear to me what I felt straight away, and by the time I understood the feeling, I knew I could never say anything or tell her how I felt. Getting away from her and Maddison would give me time to breathe. That’s what I hoped. That’s what I begged for at night. To have just a little bit of peace from the constant want that filled my body and my heart for an untouchable girl.

  She saw me as her big brother. She saw both of us as brothers. She loved us in her own way, but she’d never choose one of us over the other. Not if it meant risking what she clung to so tightly—our friendship. And knowing that, felt like carrying on with a splinter through my heart every single day, the pain, a dull ache at best, but then, sometimes, it caught me off guard and stabbed me through the chest and crippled me.

  Maddison wouldn’t have a problem trying something with her. Hell, he’d been pushing me out of the picture every chance he got for the last few years, but I worried it was because he wanted to win Grace from me, rather than actually loving her. And I wasn’t going to ask what his intentions were.

  But leaving turned out to be the worst decision. It drove me mad. Being hundreds of miles away ripped a part of my heart out, and I wasn’t strong enough to go through that.

  “Do you have to go?” Grace moaned as I packed my gear into my car and slammed the door.

  “Afraid so.”

  “I swear, Oliver, what does York have that Bristol, Bath, or Cardiff doesn’t?” She placed her hands on her hips, taunting me. And all I could think about was those hips—her hands. And what I wouldn’t give to kiss her like I’d done countless times in my dreams.

  “I’ll be back for the holidays.”

  “The holidays. What about every other day? I’m losing my best friend. You’re going off to have fun and start a new life, and I’ll be here without you.”

  “You’ll have me, don’t worry, Grace.” Maddison piped up, and I just about held my shit together. He put an arm around Grace’s shoulder, and I had to grind my teeth to keep from yelling. Because all I could see for the next three years, was them growing closer without me. Mads wouldn’t hesitate to ‘claim’ Grace. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to give her up—not that she was mine—I only wished she were.

  Mum and Dad had left in their car ahead of me and would be driving back after all my stuff was sorted. I just needed to say goodbye to Grace and leave.

  Drive off.

  Go.

  And not think of Mads on his own with her.

  “Text me when you arrive.” Grace stepped out of Mads’ grip and into mine. I wrapped my arms around her and breathed her in as my lips skimmed the soft chocolate strands of her hair. I kissed her temple, unable to resist, and my lips lingered for a moment longer than they should have.

  “I will. And take care of you. Phone me whenever you want, okay. I might not be next door, but I’m still your best friend.” I kept my words soft and for Grace only. I watched Mads as he looked on, impatient for me to get going.

  “I’ll miss you so much,” she mumbled as she clutched me with her arms.

  My eyes dropped closed, and I sent up a prayer for strength. How the fuck was I meant to leave her?

  I pulled myself away, ripping myself in two as I went, and got into the car, cursing my choice of University, and already forming a plan in my head.

  The ignition turned, and
I forced my foot on the accelerator and left the girl I loved standing in the road, growing smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.

  My hands were numb, and my body stiff as I indicated and turned into the services a few hours later. Guys didn’t talk about feelings, and I had to wonder if it was because they fucking hurt. I checked my phone as I stretched and headed to grab a coffee.

  Enjoy Uni life. I’ll enjoy Grace. All to myself.

  I nearly smashed the phone screen after reading the message, and I knew what I needed to do.

  By the time I arrived at the halls of residence, I’d made up my mind. There was no way I’d be able to stay over five hours away from home for the next three years. It was hard enough leaving today. Not seeing Grace or being able to go home and visit often was going to slay me. There was no reason I needed to be this far away. I was a fucking idiot to think I could do this.

  I met up with Mum and Dad and kept my plan to myself. If everything worked out, they wouldn’t even know until I’d sorted this mess out for myself.

  Two weeks later, I’d moved into halls less than an hour from home. The course was the same, and I would be able to complete the degree without going mad this way. I didn’t tell my parents. I had all the paperwork and transfers arranged, and so I didn’t see the need. But I’d be able to go home regularly. I’d be able to see Grace. And I didn’t give a damn about if that made me a pathetic loser or not.

  There were three girls in my stats class. Two were classic geek girls, all the way to the square glasses they wore. But one of them seemed cool. Fresher’s ‘week’ was still going strong when I’d transferred, and I’d seen her in my halls of residence on another floor.

  Part of me was desperate to find someone that could make me forget about Grace. Fall out of love with her and fix my miserable heart. But there was another part, the part I worried about, that convinced me we were destined to be together since the day I’d brought home Bob for her.

  So, I left it to fate. Grace and I weren’t together, so if something were to happen with anyone at Uni, then great. Nobody hurt. I hoped.

  Every day I said the same mantra to myself, convincing myself that I was making the right decision. I’d taken the first few steps away and although it hurt when I woke up in the morning—I missed Grace and even Mads like crazy, despite our growing hatred—life went on.

  I waited a month before I went home. It was getting harder and harder not to admit to Grace what I’d done, and the need to go back to surprise her had grown unbearable. But I needed to give myself time as well.

  I made sure I left after lectures on Friday with the hope that we’d have the weekend together.

  It was after eight before I arrived at Mum and Dad’s, but that wasn’t late, and there was no way I could sleep knowing she was just a few houses away.

  Busy tonight?

  No. It’s Friday. Why would you think I would be busy? Come on, Oliver, have you forgotten everything about me already?

  Look out of your window.

  That’s stupid.

  Just do it, Grace.

  I waited until her curtains twitched and waved up at her as she looked down through the shadows to me. Even from this distance, I saw her face light up like it was Christmas morning. And wasn’t that a jolt to the ego.

  She flung open the door and launched into my arms. All I could do was wrap her up and pull her close to me. I breathed in her scent of sunshine and strawberries, despite it being November, and imagined that everything in the future would be as good as this moment felt.

  The weekend together fit around Grace’s part-time job as a waitress in the local pub. The fact that Mads now worked in the kitchen with her wasn’t unexpected. Hell, he’s never let her do anything on her own. But despite that, I knew I made the right decision. I wasn’t ready for Grace to be out of my life. Not by a long shot, and perhaps I never would be.

  My first year of University passed in a blur of mathematical equations and visits home. My original plan to move on was still at the back of my mind, and I’d made some good friends from my course. Sam and Jack kept me sociable, and it was amazing what a little space and confidence did for me. I’d always been shy—happy to hang back, wait, and assess the situation before jumping in, and that was still me, but now I pulled it off without looking like a loner.

  The cool girl from stats class had also joined our group. Amy was one of the smartest people I knew. She could do math in her head like she was a scientific calculator. We even made it into a drinking game. If she could do the calculation faster in her head than the opponent on a calculator, they took the shot. She got a lot of free drinks and showed up a fair number of guys.

  But no matter how hard I tried to think of her as the sexy girl she was, my mind couldn’t get over the fact she wasn’t Grace.

  “Amy, come on now, you might be winning, but we’re downing tequila here like we don’t want to see tomorrow.”

  “Olly, don’t kill the mood,” Sam complained, tipping the latest shot down his throat.

  We’d been at the bar all night, and if I had to drink anymore, I’d throw up and pass out. Or both. “We should walk back now while we can still stand.”

  “Jack?”

  We looked around the bar, but Jack was playing tonsil tennis with a girl in a booth. I sent him a quick text—or at least I hoped it was to him—and dragged Amy and Sam with me. We couldn’t drink anymore. My mouth felt like dry carpet, and my lips still tasted of salt and lime.

  The fresh air sent Amy reeling, and Sam and I had to stand either side of her to keep her vertical. Winning at her little math trick had its good parts. But, when we decided to drink, it turned out we couldn’t hold our spirits all that well.

  We dropped Sam off with instructions to down a pint of water before passing out. Like hell—he’d face plant the bed and regret it in the morning.

  And then I left Amy at the door to her floor.

  “Who’s going to make sure you get home safely?” she asked as I waited in the stairwell.

  “I’m fine. It’s only a few flights up.”

  “Text me?”

  “Sure.”

  She stepped up towards me, and alarm bells began to flash in my mind, but the fog of tequila slowed all of my reactions. Her hand wrapped around my neck, and she pulled me towards her. My eyes slipped closed as her lips pressed to mine. She tasted of salt and lime, just like me, and the sensation cleared the fog for a moment. She deepened the kiss, plastering her body against mine, emitting a low moan as she did.

  Those alarm bells screeched in my head, but at the same time, there was a war raging. This was what I’d moved away for. To find someone I liked and see where it could go. My tongue ran the seam of her lips, and I stroked inside her mouth. Every schoolboy fantasy about getting laid screamed to the front of my mind, and my body—despite the alcohol—jumped at the thought.

  Fuck, I’m going to do this.

  “Come to my room.” Amy grabbed my hand and pulled me up the last step and opened the door. But the spell broke. She wasn’t the girl I wanted to do this with. She wasn’t Grace.

  Grace.

  Just thinking her name sobered me up, and I pulled back on Amy’s hand. “Stop. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  Her face deflated, and I felt like a complete jerk.

  She rolled her eyes at me. “You’ll regret this, Oliver Ray. This is a one-time offer, and, for the record, I think we’d be pretty good together.”

  She was right; we would have been. She was smart, funny, and sexy. But she wasn’t Grace.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Does she even know?” Amy asked, a little whiny. “Would she even kiss you back?”

  And I couldn’t answer her. Because I wasn’t sure of the answer.

  Visiting home so often was worth it because Grace made me feel like a million pounds when she saw me. And it gave me hope, because how could a person be that happy to see someone, without feeling something? Amy’s words lingered in my thoughts for we
eks, and I couldn’t shake them. Luckily, she had, and we’d gone back to being just friends.

  But I dwelled. Grace transformed every time I visited. Sure, she was over the moon to start with. Her hair had grown even longer, and she’d taken to wearing it down all the time. My fingers begged to brush through their strands, but I kept them to myself. It was her smiles I noticed first. They were smaller, fewer. And sorrow had crept into her features when she thought I wasn’t looking. She was withdrawn and nothing like the carefree girl I’d fallen in love with.

  She didn’t talk about friends or any of the books she’d read lately, and that made me worry for her, even more, when I wasn’t around.

  “Hey, Mads.” He put down his phone and looked up at me expectantly.

  “What? I haven’t got all day.”

  “Is Grace okay? She seems… sad. Is she getting on all right at school?”

  “Sure. She’s fine. She’s always been quiet, you know her. She’s not sad when I’m with her, at least.”

  “And…” I worked up the confidence to ask, “how often is that?” The question hung in the air.

  “Plenty. Are we done?” He tilted his head, dismissing me.

  Typical Maddison. I didn’t know if he was bragging on purpose to stir things up, or if he and Grace did see each other all the time. They went to sixth form together, worked together. Was that all?

  As the older brother, I shouldn’t have been competing with my younger brother all my life, but it was Maddison’s shadow that always pushed me to the background. With Grace, we’d somehow avoided that, and I know that my change of plans at Uni didn’t fit in with Maddison’s.