The Two Halves of my Heart: A Friends-to-Lovers Romance

by Rachel De Lune

  “Next week. I’ll text you the details. Oliver will have the instructions and come to pick you up. Just make sure you’re somewhere I can see you at the start.”

  “Do I have to watch… all of it?”

  “Just let me see you at the start, okay.”

  The week was hard. Every day I battled with the craving to run to Maddison and beg him not to go through with this. But I didn’t. He’d set out why he felt he needed to do this. Just because I disagreed, shouldn’t mean I would stand in his way. At least until after the fight, and he got this out of his system. My silent hope stayed very much that.

  Oliver picked me up, just like Mads had told me he would, and took me into town.

  “You’re quiet.”

  “Yep,” was my only response. I wasn’t sure what else to say. Fear and anger built inside of me, and it had no avenue to escape.

  “He’ll be okay.” Oliver tried to reassure me, and while he normally had such a calming and reassuring influence over me, I knew it wouldn’t work here.

  “You don’t know that. We have no idea what’s going to happen,” I snapped.

  “You’ve seen the size of him. He’s strong, and apparently, been working up to this. He’s got this.” He reached for my hand, and I let him take it.

  We arrived at the entrance, and I fidgeted back and forth on the spot. We waited for the door to open. It wasn’t quite so easy as before to enter. The doorman wanted some sort of code before letting us pass, but Oliver had everything we needed. Once inside, I took the lead, showing Oliver the way. We both stuck out in the place filled with bodies. It was packed in comparison to the last time I was here, and that made my panic turn sour. Maddison had spun this as a starter fight—his first chance. But the crowd was already circling.

  We bypassed the bar and headed down to the level Mads and I had stood last time.

  “It’s down there.” I nodded to the ring below us as Oliver looked around. “Mads wanted to see us. I think we should go down. I can’t risk him concentrating on anything but the fight.”

  Oliver nodded. His mood had taken a considerable dive since arriving. My guess was that he hadn’t been expecting anything like this, and the realisation that his little brother has got into some sort of organised fighting scene was hitting home. He was not just trying to reassure me anymore.

  I’d always considered both brothers my best friends, but Oliver and I seemed to have a smoother, easier friendship. Mads and I had plenty of tension, but that resulted in us being less comfortable in each other’s company. I’d analysed what the two differences meant over and over: if I was attracted to one more than the other, if I valued one characteristic more or less—but that just gave me more pain and heartache.

  Oliver was my solace and who I turned to more than Mads. But Mads and I had a connection that lit me up inside. A different chemistry that brought its own problems. But right then, neither Oliver’s comfort nor calm outweighed my worry for Mads. His confidence and ego were attractive, but I’d have traded that right now if it meant I could keep him safe.

  We made our way lower and were nearly on the floor with the ring. We pushed to the front railing so I could see everything below. “What time did Mads say it would start?”

  “He didn’t. Just to get you here before ten.” I glanced at my watch. Five minutes to go. Oliver put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. “It will be fine.” His contact did nothing, and if anything, just wound me up. He needed to stop placating me. My hands wrung the bar in front of me, desperate to do… something.

  More people started to swarm around us, and the feeling of anticipation lingered in the air. We were pushed in closer by people all wanting to get a better view, but I didn’t relinquish my spot. I had to do this for Mads. He said he needed me, and I clung to that.

  Just like last time, cheers and whoops from the crowd began to drown out the music, and I saw movement below. I didn’t recognise the man, so my eyes started to scan for Mads.

  “There.” Oliver pointed over my shoulder, standing behind me and keeping me sheltered from the crowd that was encroaching.

  Sure enough, I recognised the scruffy hair and the stance of Maddison, but that was about all. He was bare-chested, his defined muscles throwing shadows over his body from here. As he got closer, he looked up and started to scan the crowd. He was looking for me. I could feel it.

  He soon found me, and his expression morphed the moment he did, happy to have me in his sights.

  “Be careful,” I mouthed, and he nodded.

  Hopefully, it was a promise he could keep.

  Once we’d locked eyes, he gave a small nod, to Oliver, I presumed, before looking back down and getting ready. He bounced on his feet, moved his shoulders about, and then went to speak to an older man.

  Nausea swam through my stomach, and saliva started to pool in my mouth. I turned around to face Oliver, now happy to be trapped between his arms. I stared at his eyes and searched for his strength as tears added to the mixture of emotions already in mine. He pulled me in and hugged me so hard that I forgot about the feeling in my stomach.

  I stayed hidden, buried in Oliver’s chest when I heard the first roar from the crowd. I squeezed my eyes shut, picturing the blood I saw during my other visit, splattered across the ring.

  “The other guy,” Oliver relayed, but I kept my eyes closed.

  Another cheer, more noise, and I waited for the update again, but it was unbearable. I twisted around, desperate to know how Maddison was.

  I watched, fixated, as Maddison moved around his opponent. He jabbed, kicked, and spun, all sorts of moves that put him in control and out of arm’s reach. Chords of muscle stood out in stark definition every time he moved, highlighting how much he had been training for this. The other guy was already stumbling, his face red from exertion and pain.

  Maddison didn’t give up, and I was in a fight with myself to look away. It was clear that Mads had the upper hand and, as he said, he’d be fine. But I wanted him to stop now, and it didn’t look like he would. Maddison continued to rain down punches, knocking his rival to the ground.

  Watching him at that moment, I didn’t recognise him. Something had come over Maddison like a determination I’d never seen before. Putting the opposition on the ground wasn’t enough for him. He continued to beat on him until there was no movement.

  “Stop. Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop,” I shouted, getting louder and louder amongst the din of the crowd.

  He finally relented and raised his hands above his head, claiming his victory. He turned to me and pumped his fists. I took a step back from the rail and into Oliver, but Mads just beckoned us towards him.

  “Come on.” Oliver took my hand and led me around the level until we found a way down. Two large guys with arms crossed and don’t-mess-with-us frowns blocked our path.

  “They’re with me!” We both heard Maddison from below, and our path was suddenly cleared. Oliver led us down, and an ecstatic Maddison met us. He moved in to hug his brother, cheering and yelling as he did, clearly still pumped from the fight.

  Sweat covered his body and drenched his hair. Once he’d finished with Oliver, he moved past him and headed for me. He seized me, lifting me clean off my feet and spun me around. I clung to his shoulders, my fingers digging into his muscles for any sort of grip. My feet hit the ground again, but before I could speak, Maddison crashed his lips into mine. He kissed me so thoroughly, I was lost in the moment, my arms wrapping around his neck, my legs turning weak and unstable as I surrendered under his strength. Our mouths fused, and I was lost to him. All I could feel was Mads—all I could taste was him.

  Salt and copper and heat.

  Finally, he eased up, and I could breathe again, panting as hard as Maddison had been a few moments ago. He looked down at me, a huge grin on his face, as he pulled me against his chest and kissed the top of my head.

  As I turned to the side, I saw Oliver standing by with anguish etched on his face. My gaze dropped, and
I tried to back out of Maddison’s grasp, as blood rung in my ears, and my stomach dropped through the floor. Guilt engulfed me at what Oliver had just witnessed.

  Maddison let me go, now surrounded by other people I didn’t know. The man I saw at the start and some other guys pulled him away from us and back towards the way he’d come into the ring area.

  I watched him go and shrunk back to the edge of the area, trying to pull my senses together.

  “You ready to go?”

  “Um, sure. Yes. Thank you.” I looked at Oliver, desperate to rewind the last few minutes and spare him that visual. I knew why he’d looked that way, and I knew where my guilt stemmed from.

  Oliver had feelings for me. And I had feelings for him—I just didn’t know how to classify them or act on them without hurting Maddison because I had feelings for him as well. The two halves of my heart. And I couldn’t do anything without risking heartache to all of us, which was why I’d been content to play the ostrich.

  I would never choose between them, and up until tonight, I was sure I’d never have to.

  But that kiss changed everything.

  I just never imagined how much.

  Chapter 14

  Oliver 21 Years Old

  That kiss.

  It haunted me.

  It ripped apart my heart and poisoned it with my darkest fears.

  It was everything I’d longed to do myself, played back in front of my eyes, just with one difference—it wasn’t me kissing Grace. To my surprise, no one spoke of it again after that night. I’d half expected for Maddison to gloat over it. Claim his victory over me and rub it in my face. But that didn’t happen.

  He didn’t come home the night of the fight, and I left to go back to Uni before seeing him in the morning. What would I say? Thanks for kissing the girl I love. Oh, and by the way, what the hell was with this fighting thing?

  No. It was better this way. I wouldn’t have to play witness to whatever his plan was with Grace, because I knew I couldn’t take watching him ask her to choose. She might have kissed him, but the look on her face told me what I needed to know. She was just as conflicted by our happy little puzzle as the rest of us.

  I’d go back and lick my wounds, and nobody would know the difference. A few weeks of final study before the end of year exams, easy, and the perfect cover for avoiding everyone. Then I’d be free. I’d already secured a job with a great company who offered a graduate recruitment programme. All I needed to do was accept it. The drawback was that it was on the other side of the country, with no option to move back to be close to home. Or Grace.

  The options were all in front of me. Do as I usually did and pick Grace. But I’d done that already, and we were no closer to figuring anything out. Maybe it was time to ignore the torment of my heart and think about me?

  Grace, of course, didn’t take to the silent treatment. She’d messaged me constantly. The guilt was plain in the words of the messages, but that couldn’t erase what I’d witnessed, and I couldn’t stop feeling damaged as a result. We’d all been locked in this stupid triangle for years, and it was finally reaching breaking point.

  My messages in return were short and clipped, but Grace still saw through them.

  Nothing is going on between us. You have to believe me.

  And I did. She’d avoided choosing either of us all these years, and I doubted she ever would, or even could cope with the repercussions of what that would do. She was sweet and kind, with too big a heart.

  When are you coming home? Your exams are finishing soon. We need to celebrate.

  Why aren’t you answering me? It’s usually the other way around.

  I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please talk to me.

  I miss you.

  Every message got harder to read, and every time I shut the screen off before replying, a shot of pain ran through my chest. I’d been there to look out for Grace, to support her, and love her since the day I first met her. Ignoring her now went against every fibre of my being. And at night, when my nightmares and fear about the future manifested themselves, I worried I was just pushing her further into Maddison’s arms.

  But that was something else I needed to get used to as well.

  Final exam done. I’m free. I’ll be home at the weekend, and we can catch up.

  Finally! I thought you were going to ignore me forever. I can’t wait for you to be home.

  I’d had a few days to get everything in order. There was time. But as my plan came together in my mind, my biggest fear loomed large ahead of me—would I be able to go through with it?

  Time seemed to race past when you weren’t looking forward to something, and the weekend would bring the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d do anything to escape if for another day, another hour, but that would only bring more misery.

  “Finally. I thought you’d never get here.” Grace came out to greet me on the steps, Bob in her arms, happy to be carried around and petted.

  “Sorry. Lots to get sorted, you know.”

  She nodded, and an awkward air fell over us. I could tell she was nervous, perhaps still worried about the kiss between her and Maddison. He was yet to talk to me about anything that happened that night. He’d even avoided my messages. It seemed brotherly love and the friendship we’d promised Grace to uphold only went so far.

  Well, after today, it wouldn’t matter.

  “Let’s go for a drive,” I suggested knowing I couldn’t do this on her doorstep.

  She set Bob down and came willingly with a bit of a smile on her lips. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel off when we were together for the last time. Of course, she didn’t know that.

  We drove to the end of the lane and to our field. The oak that had witnessed so much of our fun as children still stood, shading the ground around it. We both climbed over the gate, instinctively knowing where to go. Grace sat down and rested against the trunk. This place—our spot—seemed fitting. The field was growing wild towards the far end. The grass left untended. I’d asked Dad about the land, and he said that the farm a few miles farther along owned it, although they hadn’t used the pasture for anything over the last few years.

  I was stalling, looking out at the land before turning to Grace.

  “I bet you’re excited to be finished at Uni. It feels a very long two years in front of me,” she mused.

  I headed back to her and moved inside the shade of the tree. “It will fly by, you’ll see.”

  “Maybe. Have you got any ideas about jobs or anything yet? Or even what you want to do? Maths is pretty generic.” She looked around the field, and I wondered if she was thinking about all of our shared memories here.

  “There are a few plans in place. But there’s a catch. Most of the jobs I want are all in London.”

  “London?” She whipped her head to me as she questioned my answer.

  “Yeah. I’ve accepted a graduate programme, actually.”

  “Wow, that’s great. London —” Her enthusiasm died on her lips as I saw her work through the ramifications, her eyes lowered as she thought.

  “It’s for the best. It’s time I moved on.” I reached out my arm and offered a hand for her to stand.

  Her scowl furrowed her brow. “What do you mean? Why would London be best?”

  “It will give us the break we all need, but we’re not willing to acknowledge. That kiss finally made me see what was right in front of me.”

  “It didn’t mean anything, it was just a heat of the moment thing,” she pleaded, and I saw the emotion gather as tears in her eyes. She hadn’t let go of the hand I’d given to her.

  “I think it meant something to Maddison, and I think it meant something to you. Just like it would mean something to you if I had kissed you.”

  She dropped her head, but I saw the rise and fall of her chest as she hid her tears. I took the time to gather my own strength to get through the next part, already feeling like the villain in this story.

  “I’ve loved you forever. But I
can’t do this to us anymore. I won’t take you away from him. I can’t do it.”

  “You love me?” She looked up at me, and I watched as her eyes, always such a bright, clear blue, haze with questions. If she genuinely didn’t realise the depth of my feelings for her, then I had nobody but myself to blame.

  “Of course, I do. But that’s not enough. Not for us. And I’m choosing to take the decision from you.”

  “What decision?” She squeezed my hand as if holding them in her grip would lend her strength.

  “The one you will never make.”

  “What about you? Or me? Don’t I have a say, now?”

  “You do. But you can’t make the decision you need to. You’ll never hurt either one of us, so let me do this for you. Let me bear that pain.”

  Her jaw tightened as if she was chewing over her response, but she was silent, only the tree’s gentle rustle to disturb us.

  “I love you.” Her words were soft and choked with pain, but I heard them. Like a magic painkiller, they took away all the doubt I’d felt, all the hurt from the last decade. And they vindicated me. This was the right decision I needed to make because everything I’d felt and hoped for all these years, was true.

  “I know. And I love you. I doubt you’ll ever know how much. But you love him, too.”

  “I can’t fathom my days without you in them.” The anguish in her voice pierced my soul.

  “You’ll have him. You’ll have each other. And that’s why I’m doing this.”

  “But we aren’t even together? We’ve barely spoken since the fight. You’re assuming I’d want to choose him over you. I don’t. I choose both of you.” Her voice rose with determination as if she could stop this from unfolding.

  “If something doesn’t change, we’ll end up lost and broken forever. I can’t cope with that, not when I can make a difference.”