I looked to Zary.
“I can take Kazmir back to the house if you’d like,” she offered.
“No,” I said, not wanting my son out of my sight. “We’ll all go back to the house.”
Shiver nodded. “Wherever you’d be most comfortable.”
“Are you okay?” Zary asked when we returned to the car.
“I’m not sure yet.”
“Are you happy to see him?”
Was I? It was impossible to say. Too many emotions warred within me. As much as I longed to wrap my arms around him and never let go, I equally wanted to push him away and tell him never to contact me again.
“Losha, I—”
“I’m not ready to talk about it, Zary.”
“I just want you to know that neither Gunner nor I told Shiver you were here.”
“No? At least one of you must have told someone.”
I watched as my friend’s eyes grew dark. “I didn’t and neither did he. I am sorry he found you, though.”
“Don’t be.” I buckled Kazmir into the car seat and opened the front passenger door. “Listen. I’m not angry. This was inevitable.”
Zary nodded and started the engine. “I just have one thing to say, Losha. Kazmir resembles him.”
I’d seen it too. When I’d looked from his face to my son’s, it was as plain as day. My baby was the spitting image of his father.
11
Shiver
Fear, longing, regret, and hunger all rowed within me. I took several deep breaths in an attempt to settle my racing heart. Just being in Losha’s presence again flooded my system with adrenaline.
The baby looked so much like her that I yearned to just sit and stare at him. There had been a point in time when I wondered what she’d looked like as a child. Now I knew, at least as a baby.
Kazmir. That’s what she’d named him. When she said it, I could feel the pride and love that poured out of her. There was no question the baby was Losha’s. But who was the father? Would she tell me if I asked, or would she refuse, saying it was none of my business?
When we arrived at the house, I waited behind them for the gate to open and then followed them inside the compound.
Gunner came out of one of the front doors and walked over to the car. “Shiver.”
“It’s good to see you.” We embraced, patting each other on the back.
“Listen—”
“It’s okay, Gunner. I understand.”
“I’m relieved to hear it.”
I watched Losha get the baby out of the car seat. “Can I help?”
“Do you want me to take him?” Zary asked.
Losha shook her head. “We’ll be fine.”
“What can I do?” I asked when Zary and Gunner walked to the door I’d seen him come out of.
“The house code is 1223,” she said, motioning to the keypad.
“Got it.” I opened the door when the lock clicked and held it for her. “Do you need anything from the car?”
“Not for now,” Losha said, shifting the baby to her other hip. “He’s hungry.”
I nodded.
“Will it make you uncomfortable?”
“What’s that?”
“If I feed him.”
I shook my head, wondering why she thought it might. When she sat and unfastened the buttons on her shirt, I understood, watching in fascination as the baby found his mother’s breast. When his tiny hand rested near Losha’s face, I felt certain it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
I looked up and found her studying me in the same way I’d been studying her baby.
“Thank you.”
“What for?”
“Letting me…in.” I was so emotionally overcome, I couldn’t think of the right words to describe the way I was feeling. “I never…”
“What, Shiver? You never what?”
I ran my hand through my hair, glancing back at the baby. “Dreamed that anything so beautiful existed.”
“I know,” she whispered. “He takes my breath away.”
“Not just him. Both of you. I’m so in awe I can hardly speak.”
Losha’s eyes filled with tears, and she turned her head away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“What for, Losha? Why are you sorry?”
“So many things.”
I looked out at the ocean. “Me too. So many things.” In that moment, I was consumed by regret. Why couldn’t this have been something we’d done together? Why had she shared this miracle with someone other than me? I wanted to shout the questions at her, while at the same time, never wanting to know the answers.
“Can you ever forgive me?” I thought I heard her say.
“What ever for?”
She shrugged, her eyes resting on her baby.
“I would never begrudge you this happiness, Losha. Not ever. It’s so obvious that you were meant to be a mother. I would never dream of wishing anything else for you or him.”
“But…”
“Who is he, Losha?”
“What do you mean?”
“Who is the man you loved enough to have a child with? Who is the man you loved in a way you could never love me?”
12
Losha
The tears in Shiver’s eyes broke my heart. Did he really not know? How could he not realize Kazmir was his son? Couldn’t he see the resemblance?
God, I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell him, or let him believe the lie he’d just spoken?
“Are you with him?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Do you love him?”
“With all my heart.”
Shiver closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the chair. Pain etched his beautiful face. Why couldn’t I bring myself to take his hurt away? Why had it always been impossible to tell him how I felt, that I did love him?
In the same way I’d never been able to bring myself to say the words he wanted to hear, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him Kazmir was his.
He looked into my eyes. “I should go.”
“Already?”
“I thought you’d want me to.”
“No.” I wished I was strong enough to let him leave, but I wasn’t. “Would you stay? A little while longer?”
“Of course. Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked, eyeing the boxes sitting in the hall.
I shifted Kazmir to the opposite breast. “Can you assemble furniture?”
“I am an MI6 agent, Losha.”
I laughed. “Does that mean you’re qualified to put a crib together?”
“It means I’m a bloody superhero, woman.”
I loved the playfulness in his voice. This was the Shiver I loved with all my heart and soul, the man who could make me laugh no matter the conflict I faced.
An hour later, we’d not only assembled the crib, we’d also put together the changing table and the high chair. All that was left was the glider, which wouldn’t take long.
“Where does this all go?” he asked.
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
Shiver stood. “Bedroom’s that way?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Wow,” I heard him gasp when he entered the master. “Quite a view.”
Kazmir held out his arms to be picked up, and I carried him into where Shiver was still marveling at the expanse of ocean visible through the window.
When I stood next to him, the baby fussed, trying to squirm out of my arms. “Sorry. He wants you.”
Shiver held out a finger which Kazmir grabbed with his tiny hand. “He looks so much like you.”
“Do you think so?”
“You don’t?” He held out his arms, and the baby scrambled into them. “Look,” he said. “He’s your mirror image.”
I didn’t agree. To me, he looked just like Shiver. I watched as Kazmir snuggled into him and he bent his neck to kiss his forehead.
“He’s getting tired,” I told him. “Would you like to nap in
your new crib?”
Kazmir buried his face in Shiver’s chest.
“It’s the n-word. He doesn’t like naps,” I added when he looked confused.
“I can hold him a bit longer. If it’s okay with you.”
“Of course it is.” I walked out of the bedroom, and Shiver followed. I pointed to the chair I’d been sitting in when I fed him. “If you rock him, he’ll doze off.”
13
Shiver
In the span of a few minutes, I’d hopelessly, completely, absolutely fallen head-over-heels in love with the baby I held in my arms. It didn’t matter who Kazmir’s biological father was, I felt a propriety so intense that I knew I’d protect the little boy with every fiber of my being, even my life.
Never before had I felt a love like this. The strength of it was equal to the love I felt for Losha, but at the same time, it felt so different. I never wanted to let the baby go, even to sleep. I wanted to hold Kazmir in my arms, day and night, night and day.
How Losha ever let him go, I couldn’t fathom. I closed my eyes and breathed in the sweetest scent I’d ever known.
“Good nap?” Losha asked from the kitchen.
“What’s that?”
She pointed at the clock hanging on the wall. “You’ve been asleep for more than an hour.”
Had I been? Jesus. “Sorry, I…uh…haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Don’t apologize,” she whispered, coming closer and stroking the baby’s hair. “He looks as though he’s having pleasant dreams. As did you.”
I bent my neck but couldn’t see the baby’s face. However, Losha was right about my dreams. I’d fallen asleep imagining that this was our life. A home by the sea, the two of us together with the baby; it felt sublime.
It wasn’t that simple, though. There was the question of who Kazmir’s father was, and while Losha said they weren’t together, she’d also said she loved him. I closed my eyes against the pain, wishing that if I asked, she’d answer honestly and tell me who he was.
“He’s getting sweaty,” she said, plucking the baby from my arms that with the loss, felt painfully empty. “I’ll put him down and come back.”
I stood to follow, but stopped when I heard Losha singing. It felt too intimate of a moment to intrude on, so I stood outside the door. I didn’t recognize the tune, only that it sounded like a Russian lullaby. Was it something she remembered from her childhood?
I moved aside when she came out, closing the door behind her. “He’ll sleep for another hour, at least.”
That would give us time to talk, but I was hesitant to begin a conversation that would make us both so uncomfortable.
“How’s your family?” she asked.
“My father had a stroke,” I began. “He had several, in fact.”
“I’m sorry to hear. Is he recovering well?”
I shook my head. “He isn’t recovering at all.”
“Oh, Shiv. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
I ran my hand through my hair and pointed to the deck outside. “Think it’s warm enough to sit out there for a bit?”
Losha opened the slider and pulled a chair back from the table. I sat in the one beside her.
“He can’t speak or eat. I’m not sure how much he’s aware of. We talk to him as though he hears us. The duchess insists we do things like read the morning news to him, or sit with him while we have tea. There are times the tragedy of it feels unbearable.”
“I wish I’d met him.”
I looked at her; she was looking at the ocean. “I wish you had too.”
“What do the doctors say?”
“Not much. To keep doing what we’re doing, but not expect his condition to improve significantly.”
She covered my hand with hers. I felt the simple touch throughout my body, and more than anything, I wanted to hold every inch of her against me. Instead, I closed my eyes, willing her not to pull away when I weaved my fingers with hers.
“Sweet Losha,” I whispered. “You have always soothed me so.”
“And you, me,” she whispered too, as though by speaking quietly no one could hear the words we shouldn’t be saying.
“I…God, I’m at such a loss.”
“Me as well.”
“Really?” I turned my body so it faced hers. “There are so many things I want to say, and at the same time, I want to hold you close to me and not utter a word.”
Losha pulled her hand from mine and stood. “Come, Shiver,” she said, walking back inside the house.
“Do you want me to leave?” I asked when she turned in the direction of the front door.
“No. I want you to come with me.”
I followed her into the bedroom and toed off my shoes when I saw her do the same. When she lay down on the bed, I stretched my body next to hers.
“Hold me, Shiver,” she pleaded.
I drew her into my arms. “Always.” I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent. It was so different from Kazmir’s, yet it filled me with a similar sense of peaceful longing.
I wished I could tell her how much I still loved her, that I’d do anything for her and her baby, but none of that could be said until I knew what Losha’s relationship with Kazmir’s father was.
She turned her body so she faced me. “Shiver, look at me.”
I took a deep breath. “Do you have any idea what effect your body next to mine is having on me?” I asked.
“I do.”
“Losha, please.”
“Please what, Shiver?”
She brought her lips to mine, and I didn’t hesitate. Her fervor matched mine when my tongue pushed inside her mouth and my fingers unfastened the buttons on her blouse. Once I had it open, I kissed my way from her mouth to her breasts. Losha unfastened the snap on her bra that released the cup.
“Handy.” I circled her chafed nipple with my tongue. “Does this hurt?”
“A little,” she confessed.
I brought my lips back to her mouth and pulled her body flush with mine. I kneaded the flesh of her behind with my fingers, bringing her sex in line with my hardness.
When she put her hands on the belt of my trousers, I stopped her. “Wait,” I said, pulling back. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
Losha sighed and tried to unfasten my belt.
“Don’t.” I moved her hands away.
“Shiver, please?”
I got off of the bed and stood, looking up at the ceiling and cursing whomever the stupid bastard was that stole her heart. “I can’t do this.” In anguish, I straightened my clothes, walked out of the bedroom, and out the front door.
“You won’t be able to get out of the gate without the code,” I heard Gunner say when I was about to open the door of the rental car. I didn’t turn around. There would be no way for me to mask my heartache.
I’d allowed myself to fantasize what a life with Orina and Kazmir might be like. As soon as the reality hit of what we were about to do, I remembered she had told me, without any hesitation, that she was in love with another man.
“Shiv? You okay?” Gunner asked.
“I don’t think I am,” I said, turning around.
“Anything I can do?”
I shook my head. “Find the bastard that got her pregnant,” I muttered.
“What did you say?”
“Sorry. That was inappropriate.”
“Aren’t you the baby’s father?”
“Negative.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, Gunner.” I sighed and looked him in the eye.
Gunner rubbed the back of his neck. “I was certain you were.”
“I’m not. Losha told me herself.”
“What did she say?”
“I asked if she was still with the father of her baby, and she said she wasn’t.”
“Could apply to you,” Gunner mumbled.
“I asked if she loved him.”
“What was her response?”
“With all her heart.”
My friend didn’t say anything else, but his gaze remained focused on mine.
“What?”
“Did you ask who he was?”
“Of course I bloody asked who he was. Jesus, Gunner. This is hard enough without having to answer to you.”
“I’m sorry, Shiv. It’s just that…”
“For God’s sake! What?”
“The baby looks just like you.”
“That’s utter nonsense. He looks like Losha.”
“Zary saw it too, Shiv. She told me so when you came back from town.”
“She’s imagining it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I can’t be the baby’s father.”
“You’re sure?”
I counted back to the last time Losha and I were together. “How old is the baby?”
Gunner shrugged. “I figured you’d know.”
“We used protection.”
“And in the history of the universe, protection has never failed.”
I glared at him. “This may be hysterical to you, mate, but it’s my life we’re talking about. Losha…” I took a deep breath, praying I wouldn’t cry in front of my friend. “I thought…”
“Ask her. Be direct. ‘Am I Kazmir’s father?’” Gunner said, putting his hand on my shoulder.
“I need some time.”
“Understood.”
“Gunner, I…if she leaves…”
“I’ll let you know.”
“I know I’m putting you in a spot.”
He shook his head. “You’re not.”
“Thanks, mate.” I opened the car door.
“The same code works to get in,” Gunner said, handing me a card.
I nodded and drove out the gate. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to make a plan for what I’d do next. I’d anticipated Losha telling me who Kazmir’s father was, breaking my heart, and then I’d leave and never see her again. Instead, I didn’t know what to think.
First, I’d fallen in love with her baby boy. Second, if I hadn’t called a halt, we would’ve made love. We likely still would be. How was it possible for her to have sex with me if she loved another man “with all her heart”? I didn’t believe she could have.
The Duke and the Assassin (The Royal Agents of MI6 Book 1) Page 6