I looked out of the window when Gunner drove through the gate, and shook my head. Every time Zary said she’d never dreamed she’d live a life like the one she was living, I understood what she meant more.
“It’s so beautiful.” I’d almost added that I didn’t know how I’d ever repay their kindness and generosity, but I’d already said it so often I felt as though it was beginning to sound meaningless.
When Gunner parked and I got out of the car, I saw that a lush Japanese garden surrounded what looked like two connected structures with koi ponds in front of each. The exterior of the houses was dark wood with a clay roof, and from where I stood, I could see the ocean.
“Is that a beach?” I asked.
“It is.” Gunner smiled. “Although the Pacific Ocean doesn’t get very warm even in the summer. In the winter, it is downright freezing.”
I was too ashamed to admit I’d never learned to swim, so getting into the water would’ve been out of the question no matter how warm it got.
“We’ll set you up over here.” Gunner led me to the front door of the house on the right. “The duplex is connected only by the garages. There’s no direct access between the two, so you’re assured plenty of privacy.”
“Thank you,” I said for what felt like the millionth time.
“I’ll bring everything inside while you and Zary check the place out.”
After we’d landed at the airport in San Luis Obispo, we stopped at a large department store where Zary and Gunner filled carts with everything a baby could possibly require.
“We’ll need it soon enough,” Zary had said. “You can use it until we do.”
They’d bought a car seat, a regular-size crib, a changing table, and a chair called a glider that came with an ottoman and moved back and forth, similar to a rocking chair, but looked far more comfortable.
There was bedding, a tiny bathtub, blankets, diapers, and so many clothes that I doubted Kazmir would have time to wear them all before he was too big for them to fit.
“Whatever else we need, we can shop for later,” Zary had told me when we got ready to check out.
When I’d tried to pay for the purchases, Gunner put his hand on mine.
“Let us do this,” he’d said barely above a whisper, making my eyes fill with tears for the countless time.
“Gunner will set everything up tomorrow if that’s okay.”
I smiled. “I can do it.”
“I know,” my friend said, walking over to kiss Kazmir’s cheek. “I just don’t know how you ever put him down.”
“Would you like to hold him?”
I chuckled when Zary clapped her hands. “I always want to hold him.”
“I’ll help Gunner bring things inside.”
“You can offer, but he won’t let you.”
“Why not?”
“Maybe the lighter things, but not if something’s heavy.”
I put my hands on my hips. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. And whatever you do, don’t ever open a door for yourself when he’s around.”
“Wow.”
“I know. It’s just how he is.”
“He does know what you used to do for a living, right?”
Zary giggled. “We go to the shooting range, and we train together; it’s just the gentlemanly stuff he gets weird about.”
“There’s nothing weird about being a gentleman,” said Gunner, coming in with the box the crib was in. “I put an order in for dinner if that’s okay with both of you.” He looked at his watch. “It should be here in about an hour.”
I would’ve offered to cook, but other than heating things up, I wasn’t very good at it. I wondered if Zary was.
“I’ll let you get some rest,” said Zary when we finished cleaning up from our take-out dinner.
I kissed both of Zary’s cheeks and murmured my thanks. “Please tell Gunner I said thank you and good night.”
He’d left a few minutes ago, saying he had a call to make. I guessed that it had something to do with the op that he believed he’d be summoned for in the not-too-distant future.
“I’ll see you in the morning, and, Losha, please try to get some rest.”
Tonight I felt tired enough that I might just be able to get a full night’s sleep. The books I’d read about what to expect with an infant talked a lot about trying to get a baby to sleep through the night. Kazmir didn’t seem to have as much difficulty with it as I did.
I stretched my arms above my head and looked around the room for a clock. It had to be at least seven, but Kazmir was still asleep in the portable crib set up next to the bed.
Resting my head back against the pillows, I listened to the sound of waves crashing against the shore that had lulled me to a much-needed restful sleep last night.
I’d protested all that Zary and Gunner were doing for me countless times, but I had to admit, this morning I was grateful they’d insisted. I hadn’t felt so relaxed in as long as I could remember.
Rolling over in the bed to look out at the ocean, I tried to think back to a time when I’d felt such a sense of peace and calm in my life. Unfortunately, the memory I came up with, filled me with the same angst that kept me awake most nights.
Shiver. The last time I’d felt this relaxed was when I was with him. Before we’d argued and I’d threatened to leave, but he hadn’t let me.
When I came out of the bathroom, Shiver was sitting in a chair by the bed. He was shirtless, but he’d put his trousers on.
“Come here,” he said, holding his hand out.
“Shiv…”
“Please.”
I walked closer and let him pull me onto his lap.
He nuzzled my neck. “I don’t care whether you’re able to have a baby or not.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’m not lying to you, Losha. It’s you I love. Whatever life brings or doesn’t, as long as we’re together, we’ll make it work.”
When I tried to move away, Shiver held me tighter.
“We aren’t together. We don’t share a life. Every few months, we share a bed.”
Shiver ran his finger from my chin, down my neck, and into the opening of my robe. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Losha. Say the word, and I’ll help you leave UR.”
“It isn’t that simple, and you know it.” I sighed when his lips followed the same trail his finger had.
He stood, carried me back to the bed, untied the robe’s sash, and spread it open.
“Lie back and let me look at you. Give me something to dream about when I close my eyes and you aren’t beside me.”
Shiver unfastened his trousers, then slid them off his hips and onto the floor.
I wanted the same thing—a memory of him naked, standing above me, his eyes heated, and his body rock hard.
As much as I loved him, I’d never been able to tell him so—even now.
He rested above me and looked into my eyes. “Why do I feel as though you’re about to say goodbye to me forever?”
I turned my head when my eyes filled with tears, but he grasped my chin.
“Look at me,” he said, waiting until I opened my eyes to continue. “I’m not going to let you do this.”
“What makes you think you have a choice?”
“If you walk away, I’ll come after you. If you hide from me, I’ll find you. I’m never letting you go, Losha. That’s a promise I intend to keep for the rest of my life.”
Would he keep that promise? Was he looking for me now? If he found me, what would he say when he discovered I’d had his baby and hadn’t intended to ever tell him? Would he try to take Kazmir from me? Would he want to raise the baby himself in the bosom of his noble family back in England?
There could only be one thing that hurt as much as not having Shiver in my life, and that would be losing my son. I’d never let that happen. If he found us, I would have to run again, somewhere farther, go deeper, until he finally gave up and let me live my life without him in it.
When I looked over, my baby boy’s eyes were wide open, and he was staring at me with a look on his cherubic face so sweet, it was as though he could read my thoughts.
Kazmir raised his hands, and I crawled over to pick him up.
“Good morning, my precious boy.”
Kazmir cooed and latched on to my breast. As he nursed, I ran my fingers through his wavy hair that was more like Shiver’s than mine.
“I love you, my Kazmir, and I’ll never, ever let your father take you away from me.”
I took a bath in the big jetted tub that looked out over the ocean, holding Kazmir in my arms while he played in the water.
Later, I went into the kitchen to look for something to eat. Kazmir was getting old enough that soon he would want more than my milk for nourishment. Maybe now would be a good time for me to learn to cook. I should be able to handle simple things, like scrambled eggs, without making too much of a mess of them.
I carried the portable crib from the bedroom to the kitchen and set Kazmir in it. He babbled and hugged the stuffed animals I had put in with him. Once I finished breakfast, I’d look for the high chair Gunner and Zary had purchased the night before, and put it together so Kazmir could sit and watch me cook.
I found a pan and got the eggs out of the refrigerator. I rested my hands against the counter as my mind was flooded with a rare memory from my childhood.
My mother was in a kitchen a fraction of the size of this one, taking a pan out of the oven instead of a cupboard. Space had been tight, I remembered. Eggs sat in a bowl on the counter.
The ties of an apron wrapped around the woman’s thick waist, and her long hair, sprinkled with gray, hung down her back. I closed my eyes, willing the woman to turn around in my memory so I could see her face, but hard as I tried to recall that simple detail, it wouldn’t come. How old had I been? I couldn’t remember that detail either. There was a rap on the front door.
“Good, you’re awake,” said Zary, letting herself in. She stood by the portable crib that did double duty as a playpen. “May I?”
“You never have to ask.”
Zary didn’t just smile; she beamed, reminding me again that, as happy as I was for her, I couldn’t tamp down the envy I so often felt.
“There’s so much for us to catch up on.” Zary laughed as she playfully nipped at Kazmir’s hands.
“Is there?”
“I don’t know how much you heard while you were underground.”
“How would I have heard anything?” I snapped.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I closed my eyes and looked up at the ceiling, wishing I hadn’t been so abrupt with the woman who had been nothing but loving toward me. “I’m the one who’s sorry. Please, tell me what’s been happening.”
An hour later, when Zary finished the tale of how she’d discovered her long-since-believed-dead father was alive, as was her mother, my mind was reeling.
“You have a half sister too?”
“Two actually,” Zary answered. “They’re twins. In fact, Ava is Razor’s wife.”
I knew that should mean something to me, but with everything Zary had just told me, I couldn’t piece it all together.
“Razor is Gunner’s friend. He owns this side of the duplex,” Zary explained, perhaps picking up on my confusion.
“Right. I knew the name sounded familiar.” Razor knew that Gunner and Zary had brought me here; did he also know about my baby?
“What’s wrong?” Zary asked.
“Nothing. It’s just a lot to take in.”
“It’s more to live through.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Are you okay?”
I wished I could describe the pressure of being alone in the world that had settled on my chest. Not only did Zary have Gunner; she had an entire family.
There wouldn’t be any parents discovered alive for me. I was there the day my mother had died, just like the day my father had. It was more than a year apart and many years ago, but the horribly graphic memories of their deaths still haunted me.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you.”
“It isn’t that. I’m so happy for you, Zary. I mean that sincerely.”
“But?”
“I wish I could explain, but I can’t.” I’d never been the kind of person who found pleasure in another person’s unhappiness, not that I’d experienced the empathy that would make me feel one way or another very often. My life had been limited to only two relationships. The one with Zary had been born out of our shared misfortune, and the one with Shiver I’d always considered temporary. There wasn’t anyone else. Not until Kazmir.
“Gunner said the town of Cambria is lovely. There are shops and restaurants that line the main street, and today is predicted to be relatively warm for January.”
“A walk sounds quite nice.”
“Where is the box with the pram in it?” Zary asked.
I pointed to the hallway. “I think Gunner put everything in there.”
Zary looked at the stove. “Were you cooking?”
“Just eggs.”
“Can I help?”
I laughed out loud. Sometimes the best thing about my friendship with Zary was that neither of us had anything resembling a normal life. Zary understood innately that I wouldn’t know how to cook eggs without help.
9
Shiver
I walked off the plane and through the terminal of the small airport, trying to decide whether to contact Gunner or just show up at the house. I understood Doc’s dilemma in the same way I would’ve if someone I worked with wasn’t being completely forthcoming with me.
Gunner and Razor owned property in the seaside village of Cambria, and if Losha was with him and Zary, it made perfect sense that this would be where he’d brought her.
I picked up the rental car I’d reserved and drove north, easily finding the walled and gated property I’d visited less than a handful of times. I stopped far enough away that I wouldn’t be spotted, mulling over how to proceed.
Before I came to a decision, I saw the gate open and a car pull out onto the road. When it went in the opposite direction of where I was parked, I followed.
The car turned a corner and slowed. From where I was, I could see Zary was driving and Losha was in the front passenger seat.
They stopped and she got out of the car, giving me a better look. If it were possible, she looked more beautiful than she ever had. She was dressed in jeans and a bulky sweater, and her long dark hair swayed in waves down her back.
I watched Losha open the rear passenger door while Zary got something out of the trunk. I held my breath when she leaned into the car. When she straightened up, she was holding a baby bundled in blankets in her arms. Losha brought her lips to the child’s cheek. I was at once moved and sickened. She was a picture-perfect loving mother of a baby she’d made with another man.
Zary opened a pram, and Losha leaned down to fasten the baby in it. From where I sat in the car, I couldn’t see her expression, but it was as though an aura of love and warmth surrounded her.
Never once had I seen her look at anyone or anything with such unabashed affection. It made my heart ache even though it was love for a child rather than another man.
But how could she not love someone with whom she’d created another life? My chest filled with unimaginable pain, knowing she must.
I got out of the car when the women had walked far enough away in the opposite direction, and followed them as they rounded the corner onto the main street of the town.
Whenever they ducked into a shop, I stopped and pretended to be looking at my phone like so many others walking down the street. I kept myself prepared for them to come in my direction, scoping out where I might find cover if they did, but so far they hadn’t.
Every once in a while, her laugh would waft through the air and settle on me like a warm woolen. I so missed the sound of it. If only I could walk up and greet her as an old frie
nd might. Cup her cheek with my palm and bring a chaste kiss to her lips. If only I could just feel her near me.
10
Losha
“Shall we stop for lunch?” Zary asked when we came out of a shop.
“Good idea. Kazmir is restless.” I turned my head, looking back from where we’d come, and my heart stopped. There, not twenty yards from me, stood the person I loved and feared equally. “Shiver,” I whispered.
He was here, watching me for God knew how long. As we walked toward one another, I looked for animosity in his eyes, but didn’t see it. Instead, they were full of love and longing.
“Losha,” he murmured when we were close enough that he could reach out and touch the side of my face with his finger. “How I’ve missed you.”
I wanted nothing more than to fall into his embrace, tell him I’d missed him too, and feel his lips on mine. Instead, I took a step back.
“What are you doing here, Shiver?”
“I would think that’s obvious.”
I raised a brow in a feeble attempt to pretend it wasn’t.
“I have so many questions,” he said, looking behind me to where Zary stood with Kazmir.
I wished I could lie and tell him the baby was Zary’s rather than mine, but it was too late for that.
“He’s beautiful, Losha. What’s his name?”
“Kazmir,” I whispered, suddenly overcome by an urge to shout at him to stay away from my baby as his eyes remained riveted on him.
Slowly, I turned, wanting to see what he saw. Did he remind him of anyone? Did Kazmir look like he had as a baby? I had no photos of myself as an infant to know if he resembled me.
“Shiver, I…”
His gaze rested back on me. He studied my face as he waited for me to continue. When I didn’t, he drew in a deep breath. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”
The Duke and the Assassin (The Royal Agents of MI6 Book 1) Page 5