“It was my cousin Anne who was so cruelly taken a few months ago. She had been in poor health most of her life, but the circumstances of her death were most upsetting. She was married to my cousin Darcy, and they had just recently had a child.”
“That is most grievous,” said Elizabeth softly.
“Indeed it is. My cousin has been inconsolable since her death. He has barely spoken to anyone in all that time, and his sister has written to me expressing her concern for his wellbeing. If it were not for my duties in town, I would have travelled to Pemberley directly. But I cannot leave my regiment’s training for several months.”
“I did not realize Mr. Darcy was your cousin,” said Elizabeth.
“Are you acquainted with him?”
“No, not at all, sir, but I believe I shall have the pleasure of meeting him soon at Netherfield, as my sister Jane is to be married to his best friend, Mr. Bingley. I am told that he is to be Mr. Bingley’s best man, and, as I am to be Jane’s maid of honour, I suspect we will be quite often in each other’s company.”
“Yes, of course. I had heard of Mr. Bingley’s impending marriage through my cousin. Please convey my congratulations to Mr. Bingley and your sister. They did seem very well suited. I have been invited to visit Netherfield as well. I would consider myself fortunate indeed if our visits should coincide.”
Since the colonel was to be stationed in London for the next several weeks, they agreed to meet again for dinner, and Elizabeth was grateful for the friendship he offered.
~*~
Darcy stared at the letter in his hand trying to focus his eyes. It was from Bingley, once again imploring him to reconsider his decision not to attend his and Jane’s wedding. Why won’t he just leave me alone! Does he not understand I do not wish to be in company? He will just have to find another best man!
Darcy walked unsteadily towards the bottle of brandy and poured another glassful. His thoughts were jumbled, and he knew it was not all due to the effects of the alcohol. He was grieving, that he knew to be sure. But the true source of his grief still lay unacknowledged for it shamed him.
There was a light knock on the door. “Enter,” he commanded.
Georgiana, carrying Ellie in her arms, stepped through the doorway of the study. “We have come to say goodnight, Fitzwilliam,” she said, now accustomed to seeing her brother in such a state. “Please, Fitzwilliam, we cannot go on like this. Your daughter has lost her mother. She needs her father now more than ever. Do not abandon her.”
Darcy took his daughter into his arms and looked into the eyes that haunted his dreams, the eyes she had inherited from her mother. He could not look upon his daughter without being reminded of Lizzy. He kissed her gently on the forehead and handed her back to his sister.
“I need more time, Georgie. I am not fit to be in anyone’s company at present,” he said as he turned away from them both.
As she gathered all the confidence she could find from deep inside her, she placed a hand on his arm. “No! That will not do, Fitzwilliam! For months you have given me the same wretched answer. This has to stop now!”
He turned, giving her his best haughty look, but she would not back down. “I am writing to Mr. Bingley tonight. We are expected at Netherfield in a fortnight. You will attend his wedding and serve as his best man. I will not stand by and watch you alienate all of us who love you.”
Much softer she said, “I know how much you grieve the loss of dear Anne. But you must turn your thoughts to the living now. Your daughter needs you. I need you, Fitzwilliam. You must carry on as you know Anne would have wished.”
He turned and looked at Georgiana holding his daughter in her arms. Knowing the tears she shed were because of him, grieved him even more. Sadly he said, “I shall try, Georgie, I shall try.”
“You must do more than try. You know Aunt Catherine has already threatened to take Ellie away to live with her at Rosings. She is just waiting for some excuse that will allow her to do it. Do not give her a reason, Fitzwilliam. Ellie must remain with you. Anne would have wanted it so.”
~*~
As he lay in bed that night, his guilt was overwhelming. Of course, everyone assumed his grief was for Anne and for Anne alone. However, only he knew that was not entirely true. Only he knew that the depth of his grief was for the loss of another woman entirely.
While he had been immersed in caring for Anne, he had been left no time to dwell on thoughts of Lizzy. But now, she was all he seemed capable of thinking about. However, to admit such a thing would mean betrayal to Anne’s memory. It was easier for him to drown his guilt in brandy than to admit the true source of his grief.
He was no stranger to heartache, and for the third time in his life he would try to put aside his grief as he had done with his mother’s passing and then his father’s. He would do what his family and everyone else expected of him. He would go to Netherfield and play the dutiful father, the good brother, and the loyal friend.
CHAPTER THIRTY
As the carriage pulled up in front of Netherfield, Bingley rushed to greet his guests. He had been waiting with much anticipation throughout the long afternoon, and now, as evening descended, he could not hide his eagerness. Before the carriage had come to a complete stop, his hand had already secured the handle of the coach’s door. He reached for Jane’s hand as she stepped from the carriage and immediately enfolded her in his arms as a blush covered her countenance.
Lizzy smiled, patiently waiting for the two lovers to conclude their greeting before Bingley finally pulled himself away from his angel to help Lizzy down as well.
“Miss Elizabeth, what a pleasure to see you again. I was delighted when Jane informed me that you would be accompanying her to Netherfield.”
“The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Bingley. I was happy to learn that Jane will be married from Meryton rather than London. That we shall be able to spend two weeks here before your wedding is most welcomed. Your hospitality is much appreciated, sir.”
“Not at all; for there is nothing that I love better than having a house full of family and friends. Let us get you both inside, and I will introduce you to my other guests,” said Bingley.
Upon their entrance into the parlour, Caroline Bingley immediately rose to greet the newest arrivals. She knew that in a short span of time she would have to relinquish her hostess duties to Jane, who would soon be Mistress of the house. However, that thought was not as upsetting to her as one might suspect, for she had the highest hopes of becoming Mistress of a much grander estate. It was her intention to finally secure the affections of Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, and what better opportunity than during this period preceding her brother’s wedding. They would certainly be much in each other’s company over the next two weeks.
“Jane, how lovely to see you again,” said Caroline. “And this must be your sister.”
As she eyed Elizabeth, she noted that she displayed the same unfashionable country attire as her sister and immediately dismissed her as any threat. With Mr. Darcy arriving soon, she did not want any distractions that might take his attention from her. She saw little that might tempt him in Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
Mr. Bingley made the introduction. “Yes, this is Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Miss Elizabeth, my sister, Miss Caroline Bingley.”
At that moment, Georgiana, having just seen to settling Ellie in for the night, entered the parlour and was introduced to Elizabeth as well.
After greetings were exchanged, Elizabeth, Jane, and Georgiana all expressed their desire to be called by their given names. “I am so happy to make your acquaintance, Georgiana,” said Elizabeth. “Did not your brother accompany you? I understand he is to be Mr. Bingley’s best man.”
“Yes, I expect him shortly. He had some estate business to finish before he left, but he assured me he would arrive sometime later this evening.” She had a slight look of concern on her face, as she wished to believe her own words.
Darcy had Georgiana travel with Ellie and Mrs. Hawkins plus two rather lar
ge and burly armed guards as well as all of the paraphernalia necessary to care for a ten-month-old child, while he promised he would follow in two days’ time, travelling upon Marengo.
After tea was served, Caroline excused herself to see about the arrangements being made for dinner. Charles and Jane quickly took the opportunity for some time alone and announced their intention of taking a walk in the gardens. To their credit, they did ask if anyone would care to join them, but Elizabeth and Georgiana gave each other a knowing look and graciously declined.
The two young women, now alone in the parlour, slipped easily into conversation. “I understand you are to be Jane’s maid of honour, Elizabeth,” said Georgiana.
“Yes. Besides being sisters, we have always been each other’s best friend.”
Georgiana was quiet for a moment. “Yes . . . I can certainly understand that. I was fortunate to have a sister for a short time,” said Georgiana as tears suddenly appeared in her eyes.
Taking her hand, Elizabeth said, “Oh, how thoughtless of me, Georgiana. Your cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam, told me of your family’s loss. Forgive me.”
“No, please do not distress yourself. There is no need for my forgiveness. I seem to cry rather easily these days.”
Elizabeth put her arms around the young woman and, for a moment, both were lost in their own thoughts.
Upon seeing tears in Elizabeth’s eyes also, Georgiana gave her a questioning look.
“I guess I am suffering from the same malady. I seem to cry rather easily these days myself.”
Hoping to introduce a more pleasant line of conversation, Elizabeth asked, “You have a niece, do you not?”
“Oh, yes!” A smile quickly illuminated the young girl’s face. “Ellie is the most beautiful child I have ever seen! She had quite a full day today and is fast asleep now, but you will have the opportunity to meet her tomorrow.”
“Oh, she is here also? How delightful! I look forward to meeting her and your brother.”
~*~
Dinner had come and gone with no sign of Darcy. Georgiana had begun to worry, as an obvious furrow made its appearance across her brow. Trying hard not to alert the other guests of her concern, she graciously consented to play several concertos on the pianoforte.
As was her customary reaction to anything Georgiana did, Caroline fawned over her performance. “How proud your brother must be to have such an accomplished sister.”
As she was the only one who was directly facing the young girl, Elizabeth could not help but notice Georgiana’s eyes roll upward towards the ceiling at Caroline’s statement, and she suppressed a smile at the young girl’s reaction.
Elizabeth was persuaded to play two songs, and Caroline did likewise. When Charles let out a rather noisy yawn, they all agreed that it was indeed time to retire for the night, noting it was well past midnight.
Caroline tried unsuccessfully to convince her guests that it was not that late, hoping there was still a chance of Mr. Darcy’s arrival.
As Caroline and Georgiana retreated to their rooms, Mr. Bingley offered an escorting arm to each sister. Before climbing the stairs, he pointed out the library as they passed, suggesting that perhaps they would like to select a book before retiring. Elizabeth and Jane both assured him they were much too tired to read, and Elizabeth wished him and Jane a good night, as she suspected the engaged couple would wish a few moments alone.
Once again, grateful for the chance to let her guard down, Elizabeth sat on the chair before a roaring fire, watching the interplay of red and yellow amongst the flames. The long day of travelling and the burden of keeping up social pretences had taken their toll on her.
She did admit that she was pleased to meet Georgiana but felt somewhat uncomfortable in Caroline Bingley’s company. It wasn’t anything she could pinpoint, but there was a distinct coolness in her address. Perhaps once she got to know her better, she would be more at ease in her company.
After readying herself for bed, she noted there was a small decanter of brandy on the dresser. Observing the masculine décor of the room, she surmised that it was usually reserved for gentlemen rather than lady guests, knowing brandy would not be intentionally provided in a lady’s chamber.
As an hour passed with still no sleep in sight, Elizabeth rose from the bed. She glanced at the dresser and eyed the decanter. Maybe a small glass of brandy will help me sleep, she thought.
She poured out a glass and sipped it slowly at first. Noting how easily it had passed her throat, she finished the rest of the glass quickly. Hoping it would have some immediate effect upon her, she made her way back to the bed and waited.
As she continued to toss and turn, she decided that perhaps another glass was warranted. She again rose from the bed and poured out another glass; this one slightly fuller than the last. Again the reddish gold liquid slid easily down her throat. Satisfied that her mission was now accomplished, she once again padded back to her bed.
As she was just entering the twilight of sleep, she heard a child’s cry. Sitting up immediately in her bed, she looked around the darkness of the room for her child’s cradle. As consciousness brought her back to reality, she realized the cry was that of Mr. Darcy’s daughter. And again she wept for the child she had given up.
She was again wide awake and now pacing the room. Is there no sleep to be found tonight? She went to her travelling case and, after a brief search, pulled out the sleeping powders her doctor had prescribed. After she mixed the powders with some water, she quickly gulped it down. Though harder to swallow than the brandy, she was at least confident that this would bring about the result she so desperately sought.
Trying to escape thoughts of her daughter, Elizabeth only increased her melancholy by letting her mind wander to William. How could she not think upon the man who was father to her child; the man who now enjoyed her daughter’s smiles and laughter and took comfort in his ability to assuage her daughter’s tears; the man who now had the pleasure of seeing her daughter daily while she was left with nothing?
A resigned Elizabeth finally gave up her useless attempt at sleep and reached for her dressing gown, slipping it over her night rail. With candlestick in hand, she made her way down to the library. Perhaps a dull book would finally grant what had eluded her thus far this night.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
The moonlight guided Darcy as he rode Marengo through the woods and fields towards Netherfield. It had been his intention to arrive much earlier in the evening; however, his last stop to rest had resulted in his partaking of several whiskeys which he was convinced he required to face the social situation awaiting him.
He made his way towards the Netherfield stables, startling the young boy who was attending the horses. He gave up Marengo’s reins, relinquishing the stallion to the lad’s care for the night.
He walked towards the darkened house, relieved his late arrival had saved him from at least one night of feigned interest and contrived conversations.
As Bingley was new to the business of estates, he had no old family retainer, such as Mrs. Reynolds, to place at Netherfield as housekeeper. He had hired a younger and less experienced woman by the name of Mrs. Walker, who informed Mr. Darcy that indeed the entire house had gone to their chambers hours before.
“Mr. Bingley said you might be arriving late, sir. Your usual room is ready for you.”
He mumbled a thank you to the housekeeper but did not go up to his room. Instead he went to Bingley’s study and poured himself a drink. Why had he ever promised Georgiana he would come? He would have been perfectly content to remain at Pemberley forever. He had no need for social engagements. He never wished to be in society again!
As he drank the brandy, he felt the tension begin to leave his body. Just a few more drinks and my mind will be free of her, he thought. That was what he waited for each night . . . the alcohol induced click in his head which turned off his memory of her and allowed him some peace. Some nights it took more alcohol than others.
He
removed his tailcoat, vest and cravat. He picked up the bottle and walked, glass in one hand, bottle in the other, towards the library. His mind had not yet disengaged, and he knew there would be no point in attempting sleep until it had, for she would be there in his thoughts, in his dreams, in his fantasies. She was always there, taunting him.
He entered the library and sat in an overstuffed chair before the dying fire. With her much on his mind, he was not surprised that he imagined the scent of lavender in the air. His mind often played such cruel tricks on him.
She was gone from his life forever. The guilt he felt, knowing the grief he now endured was attributed to that fact and no other, made him refill his glass yet again.
He had grown to love Anne in many ways, but he had not desired her as he did Lizzy. She had not made him feel as if he might die if he could not look upon her face or hear her voice . . . or touch her. This ache in his heart as he thought of her now only reinforced that fact.
He wondered where she was, who was she with? Was she safe? How had she managed to go on with her life after all that had happened between them? How had he?
He knew he must rid himself of her memory and get on with his life. Georgie was right; they could not go on like this. Ellie was now the most important thing in his life.
He finished the last of the bottle and stood. He hoped the alcohol, coupled with the exhaustion of his journey on horseback, would grant him a peaceful night’s sleep. Unsteadily he began to pace the room. As he turned past a row of books, he saw the flicker of a candle. Swaying slightly he looked toward the couch by the window. She was there. Once again, his dreams of her would not be denied.
As much as they tortured him, he could never resist these dreams. He approached her, daring to see where this dream would take him. He looked down upon her and softly called her name.
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