by Briar Lane
He used the lull in the conversation to get up and head to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast.
Technically, this was exactly the answer I’d wanted. But it was incredibly unsatisfying. It just didn’t feel like this actually mattered to him. Like he was brushing me off.
But what else could I do right now? I mean, if he really does brush me off and doesn’t make time to make me feel more special, I can address it then. But, until then, there’s nothing. He’s said what I’d wanted to hear, and I guess I just have to live with that for now.
Ugh, I wish it was last night again. I wish I was out drinking with some girlfriends, venting, dancing, having the time of my life. I felt like me last night, the person who I want to be, as opposed to the person that I am and have been.
Because, the person that I am is this pathetic woman who folds to every demand of her spouse. Who lets her spouse treat her like a roommate who he has sex with sometimes, but not like a romantic partner.
I’d never imagined this was going to be my relationship, and I’d never imagined I’d end up so weak. Seriously, incredibly weak-willed… ugh.
But maybe John is right. Maybe this is just what happens to couples. The passion they have eventually fades into comfort, and that leads to feelings like this. I mean, I know it can’t be passionate forever. I’m not that naïve. But that doesn’t mean that it’s always gotta be like this, either… right?
I don’t know. I didn’t feel like I knew anything right now. But I desperately wanted to talk this over with someone…
And I knew who that someone was.
I grabbed my phone and clicked on Ellie’s number.
‘Thanks again for inviting me last night. I had a blast,’ I texted her.
‘No problem! I had fun, too. And the girls really liked you. You’ll come to our next outing, I hope?’
‘Oh, definitely! And I hope it’s sooner than later,’ I told her, trying to subtly hint and not being that subtle at all.
‘Ah, already itching to get out of the house again?’ she asked.
‘I really am. I need to do something.’
‘You know, I was going to do a solo brunch tomorrow. A local business is trying out a new Sunday mimosa’s special, you can tag along if you want?’
‘Oh my god, I’d so love that! What time?!’
‘How about 1:30? And it’s at the Sunny Side.’
‘Sounds perfect, love that place! I’ll see you there.’
I’d actually only been to that place once, and it’d been for lunch, but I felt dumb that I’d been here two years and barely knew any of the places in town. I tried to seem like I fit in as much as I possibly could.
All my disappointment from the conversation with Johnathon had vanished. I no longer cared about him brushing me aside or my problems seeming unimportant to him.
I had something to look forward to again. Something to get me going through the day. That’s all I’d really wanted.
I just wish the thing that had me going through the day was my fiancé.
21
Ellie
I was honestly surprised that Catherine was texting me so soon. I’d had fun last night, too. We really all did, but a text the next morning? I usually only get that from hookups who want to continuing seeing each other.
So, it really didn’t help with the fact that I saw Catherine in a sexual and romantic light.
I didn’t want to, but the more time I spent with her the other night, the more my feelings grew for her.
She was just so adorable. Like, easily the most attractive woman I’d ever met, added touch of cute that I adored. Even though she was pounding down drinks, she seemed so innocent.
Rose and Alex kept giving me dirty looks for looking at her the way I was. And, I’ll be the first one to admit, I was giving her a loving gaze. But she didn’t notice that. At least, I don’t think she did…
What was I doing? I didn’t want to have a crush on a straight girl, that wasn’t my thing. I stayed away from straight girls as if they were the plague. It just isn’t worth it, all the mess and the confusion…
And I’m good about distancing myself from people romantically if they’re straight, even when they’re attractive. Honestly, Rosie and Alex were plenty good looking, and I’d never had a crush on them because they were my best friends and only my best friends. I’d never seen them in any other kind of light.
And that’s exactly what I needed to do with Catherine. I needed to convince myself I see her only as a friend, or I needed to not see her at all.
Actually, the latter was probably preferable. I probably just should not have invited her out to brunch, just the two of us. It was far too much like a date, and I didn’t need to be doing date-like things with her.
But she really seemed like she needed to talk to someone. I could tell she was waiting for me to invite her to something else. And, I really did enjoy talking to her. I just had to put her in the friendzone, so I could avoid my crush. I could do that. I’d done it with plenty of women before her.
When I got to brunch the next day, I was surprised to find she was already there sitting at a table, even though I had come fifteen minutes early. Man, she really must be eager to get out of the house. Must be another issue with her fiancé.
She waved me over eagerly, her long hair swishing back and forth slightly as she did. I gave a smile and waved back as I made my way over to her. Man, she was just as gorgeous here in a light sundress as she was in a tight pencil skirt at the club.
“Hey!” she said excitedly, as I sat down across from her. “I already ordered two mimosas, I hope that’s okay.”
“Okay? That’s more than okay,” I laughed as I sat.
“Thanks for inviting me,” she said happily. “I really wasn’t sure what I as going to do sitting at home all Sunday.”
“Hang out with your fiancé, maybe?” I encouraged, not even bothering to wait before I probed about her relationship.
It’s wrong, I shouldn’t be so focused on pointing out the problems between her fiancé and her. But, I couldn’t help myself. I had a little crush on her, and seeing her be with someone who didn’t treat her right was abhorrent to me. She seemed like such a great woman.
“Yeah, not too keen on hanging out with him right now, actually,” she said.
“Ahh… so, I take it you didn’t have that talk with him? About treating you like you’re special and everything?”
This didn’t surprise me. I was fully expecting her to chicken out, as most people do when having to confront someone in their life. It’s a thing you agree to do while drunk but that you give up on as soon as you’re sober.
“Actually, I did!” she said triumphantly. “Literally the morning after I got back, I confronted him.”
“You did?” I asked, trying not to sound too surprised. “Well, that’s awesome, Catherine. But, then, so… what? It didn’t go as planned?”
She sighed. “I guess that’s the hard-to-explain part. Because, I mean, it did go as planned. He agreed to do date nights, and he said he’d put more effort into making me feel like I’m special…”
I raised an eyebrow at her as I sipped my mimosa. “So, what is the problem, exactly?”
“I don’t know… it sounds dumb, but it just didn’t feel like his heart was in it. I know he said exactly what I wanted to hear, but I didn’t really feel heard. I don’t think he saw how important to me this is. It’s like, he just couldn’t wait to get out of bed and make himself a bowl of cereal. Even in a conversation about not being important, I felt unimportant…”
For some reason, this actually stung me. Like, I was feeling intense empathy for her, even though I barely knew her. We’d had one real night out together, and, already, someone else hurting her was hurting me.
Uh oh, that’s not good. Am I already there? Do I already have a crush on this straight woman? That’s not good. I need to seriously keep myself in check.
“You really don’t need to accept that.”
She too
k in a deep breath. “I know, I don’t, and I don’t plan to. The second he starts slipping up, I plan to point it out to him. But, what am I supposed to do until then, huh? Like, obviously he said what I was looking for. It’s not like I can get mad at him until he actually fails to commit to it. And, who knows, maybe I misread his tone, maybe he is actually taking me seriously.”
“Yeah, maybe…” I said softly, though I really didn’t believe it.
But I didn’t want to continue to talk trash on her fiancé, especially when I was clearly biased. Besides, I’d never even met the guy. I don’t know him. I don’t how how good or bad he really may be. I was just going off of stories.
And, honestly, even in the stories, he didn’t sound that bad. A lot of guys take their women for granted and fall into a pattern of comfort. A lot of women do that, too. You’re only a real asshole once you decide you don’t care about fixing it or admitting your mistake. So, really, I guess time will tell what kind of person he is.
“Okay, but enough about me,” she said suddenly. “So far, the entirety of our short friendship has been me complaining about my fiancé. I’ve barely heard anything about you.”
“Ahh… well, that’d be because there’s very little to say about me. I’m an incredibly boring person.”
“Oh, come on, that can’t be true. Any little detail about you would be interesting to me, I’m sure. Seriously, shoot! I already know you work at the floral shop. Do you like it?”
“You know, I really do,” I told her. “It’s what I always planned to do, take over for my dad. And I really do seem to have a knack for flower arrangement. I truly believe it’s in my genetics, as silly as that sounds.”
I didn’t elaborate on my father, I didn’t want to. I still got sad when I thought about the fact that he wasn’t around anymore. I didn’t want to think about it, and I certainly didn’t want to discuss it over brunch.
“Well, I haven’t seen an official arrangement yet, but from what I did see, you truly are gifted.”
I was grateful she didn’t bring up my dad or ask about him further.
We were interrupted by a cute blonde waitress who wanted to know if we were ready to order. I didn’t even look at the menu. I was going to get the same thing I always did. And, apparently, Catherine had chosen before I’d arrived.
“Oh, sure, I’ll go first?” she looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded. “I’m going to have the chicken pesto omelet.”
“And you?” The waitress turned to me.
“I’m going to do the big bayou crepe.”
“Excellent,” she smiled, “and another round of mimosas?”
“Absolutely!” Catherine answered for me.
When the waitress left, we went back to our conversation. Which, right now, consisted of Catherine trying to question me about my life.
“So, what about relationships? Any man in your life? Hopefully one that makes you feel endlessly special?” she asked.
Ah, right, so here’s the awkward part. I always feel a little weird telling people that I’m gay. You really never know how people are going to react. Maybe they’ll be totally open and not care, and Catherine seemed like the kind of person who’d be open, or maybe they’d be disgusted by you. You never really knew.
But I didn’t try to hide who I was, not ever. If I was in the presence of someone who disapproved, I wanted to know about it right away, always. And, if Catherine and I were going to be friends, better I find out the kind of person she is sooner rather than later.
“Actually, no men in my life, ever,” I told her.
She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, no, the dating scene around here can’t be that bad…”
“Oh, no!” I laughed. “Not like that. I mean, I’m not interested in men. I’m a lesbian, actually.”
“Oh!” she said in sudden surprise. “Oh, oops, sorry! I had no idea.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like we go around wearing an, ‘I am a lesbian’ button or anything. How would you know?”
“Right,” she laughed awkwardly.
Although she didn’t appear awkward because she was uncomfortable with me. It was more so that she felt awkward for committing the social faux pas of assuming I was a straight woman. Which was good, her demeanor really didn’t seem to change.
“Are Alex and Rosie gay, too?” she asked.
I laughed. “Oh, absolutely not. Both are straight as an arrow. Positively, painfully straight. Though, that doesn’t stop them from trying to set me up with every single gay person they know.”
She laughed at this. “I bet that happens to you a lot, right? People trying to set you up with ‘that other gay person I know.’”
“Oh, god, you seriously have no idea,” I told her. “It’s a constant in my life. But, I really can’t complain, because it honestly is harder to date as a lesbian.”
“I bet. It was hard enough for me to date in college as a straight girl surrounded by college guys. It’s so hard to find someone who you’re both physically and mentally attracted to who you know you can trust.”
“Exactly. Though, you found that in your fiancé, I presume?”
“Yeah…” she said softly. “Yeah, I did.”
It was almost as if she was trying to convince herself as much as me.
“Did you like your college years?” I asked her. “I never went, I just went straight to work for my father.”
“You know, I really did like college, actually. I mean, I guess most people do, right? You’re basically living like an adult without having to do any actual adult things. You’re not introduced to the world of paying all your bills on time or working forty hour weeks, but then there’s also alcohol you get to enjoy, so…”
I laughed. “Yeah, it’s that introduction to alcohol that gets most kids.”
She laughed, too. “And I was not immune. Boy, did I like to get drunk my first few years of college.”
“Apparently, you still do!” I teased.
“Oh, stop,” she laughed. “No, really, I almost never drink anymore. But, what else am I going to do during my first night out in years? I had to, of course.”
“Right, you had to,” I smiled, “and I’m glad you did. Drunk Catherine is a blast… not that sober Catherine isn’t, or anything. But I’m not sure if sober Catherine would’ve danced with me all night.”
She laughed. “Uh, yeah, I can assure you she wouldn’t have. Definitely not. That is not sober Catherine’s thing.”
“How bad was your hangover?” I asked.
“Oh my god…” she muttered. “Hell on earth?! I thought hangovers at nineteen were bad. No, this was like actually being sick. My body just can’t handle it anymore. I’ll have to take it a little easier when we go out next time, hopefully you guys don’t mind.”
“Oh, no, actually, we usually don’t even get that drunk. I mean, we used to pretty often, but now Rose and Alex are in relationships, and they’re always eager to get back to their loving significant others back at home. So, I’m always stuck going home early and sober thanks to them. I think you encouraged them, though, so thanks for that.”
“Hey, happy to do it. And man, do I know that story. When we were both young, Johnathon and I used to get drunk together at parties, so I still went out with my friends quite a bit. But, in my last year of college, I really changed things up for him. Every time I wanted to go out and he wanted me to hang out with him, I did that. I actually really regret it, I feel like I missed out on a lot of my last fun times of college with my girls to spend time with him.”
“Would you do it differently if you could?” I asked.
“Oh, absolutely. Big time. I miss my girlfriends so much. And they all still have fun and hang out together. Most of them stayed in town.”
“You didn’t like your college town, though?” I asked.
“No, I loved it!” she said emphatically. “Genuinely, it’s such a cute place with great people and safe neighborhoods. But, I ended up leaving for John, too. H
e got a job offer here that he couldn’t refuse, so, of course, good little ol’ me followed.”
“Wow,” I said softly, “sounds like you’ve sacrificed a lot for him.”
“I really have,” she acknowledged.
“And, uh, what has he sacrificed for you?”
So much for not talking shit on her fiancé.
And, I immediately regretted it because of the way her face became so unsure.
“Well, you know, its hard, because… because…” she was trying to rationalize to herself. “I guess, I haven’t really made him sacrifice anything. I never wanted to make him. I didn’t feel like anything in my life was really worth him changing things in his life.”
“But things in his life are worth you changing things in your life?” I asked.
“Well… I guess so, I… I don’t know.”
I needed to stop. I was making this poor girl doubt her relationship with her fiancé of many years. And I didn’t even know them. What did I actually know? Nothing about them. Who was I to meddle in their relationship? Just some lesbian with a crush.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you doubt yourself or anything…”
“No, no, you’re totally not,” she said. “I mean, these are things I’ve been thinking about for a while, but nobody has brought them up. I haven’t been forced to actually confront it at all… and I think I need to be.”
I was grateful she saw my comments and my questioning as a positive thing. It was like she envisioned me as someone who cared enough to push her to confront her demons and not somebody who just wants to hate her fiancé because they have a crush on her.
Our food came out shortly after, and we continued to eat and talk. I learned briefly about her family and the fact that she’s not very close to her mom and dad. We talked about some of her friends back home. I explained how I met Rosie and Alex. It was nice.
We sat around talking for about an hour after brunch. Of course, then the restaurant was starting to close and we had to go, but we both lingered at the doorway.
“So…” I said slowly.
“So,” she smiled happily.