by Briar Lane
If this was a date, this would be the point where I would give an open invitation back to my place. But it wasn’t a date, and I couldn’t do that.
Though, I got the feeling she wanted me to. Not for sex, of course, she definitely wasn’t looking for anything like that. But just to continue hanging out. I felt like she didn’t want to go.
“Well, thanks for another awesome time,” she said, as she leaned in and hugged me, her full breasts pressed up against mine, the smell of her hair overwhelming me.
“Yeah, it was really fun. We’ll do it again soon.”
“I hope so,” she smiled.
“Well, goodbye then,” I said awkwardly, as I made my way to the car.
“Bye!” she said cheerily.
As soon as I got in my car, I had to take a breather. Damn, why was this girl so fucking hot? And why did she also have the most awesome, fun, brilliant personality of any woman I’d met?
Like I said, I never had a problem with keeping my distance from straight girls, not ever. I was great at staying away. But, how the hell was I supposed to stay away from this girl?! Seriously, she had a hold on me.
I was going to just have to be better. Or, maybe I’d just stop hanging out with her entirely. I mean, better that than start to develop deep feelings for her, right? She didn’t want that, as a straight woman with a fiancé. I’m sure, if she knew how I felt, she’d avoid me anyway.
So, it’s not as if it’s wrong to stop inviting her out. We’ve only really hung out twice. It won’t be a big deal for her.
But, I knew that wasn't true. I knew just how much she was enjoying having new friends, and I couldn’t lie to myself and say that she didn’t. If I just stopped reaching out to her, I’m sure she’d be crushed.
And crushed at a point in her life when her relationship wasn’t making a lot of sense. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t imagine her being sad because of me. It was too much, I wouldn’t do it.
So, I guess I just have to withhold my feelings.
Easier said than done.
22
Catherine
I went home a little angry.
Not because of Ellie, of course! No, Ellie had been totally great.
You know, when I compared her to my old best friends, I was totally wrong. She was better than my old best friends, even. She was like, the best friend I always wanted.
She told things like they were. She wasn’t afraid to make you think about your life or your choices. She got into the deep stuff, the kind of stuff most people avoided.
Especially my girlfriends back home. They never talked like this. If I had come to them with my troubles with John, they would’ve just said something cliché. Like, all relationships struggle, John loves me, I have nothing to worry about, nothing is wrong with my relationship.
But, that just wasn’t true. Something was wrong with my relationship. Maybe not the worst thing, it could always be worse, but it could also be better.
And I wanted to make it better.
“John?!” I called out as I walked into the house. “John?! Where are you?” I called out. “We really need to talk!”
“I’m in the room!” he called back. “Didn’t we already talk?”
I walked into our bedroom where I found him playing video games in bed, his headset on.
“Oh, yeah, you fucking got him, man,” he muttered to one of his friends on the headset.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
“A little later?” he suggested. “I’m in the middle of a game.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as I left the room, going out into the kitchen to make myself some tea. I needed it, I needed to relax. I was even angrier now that I’d gotten home, and he was too busy with a video game to talk to me. So much for making me feel important.
For a split second, I had to ask myself, is this is even what I want? Do I want to be with someone who can’t stop a game to talk to me when I’m obviously upset? Someone who would rather go hang out with their co-workers than spend a night with me? Someone who looks at me like I’m any old girl?
But, of course, I stopped those thoughts in their tracks. Of course I want this, he’s my fiancé. And I don’t need someone who would always look at me like I’m royalty.
On the contrary, I really understand that relationships aren’t always passionate. But I need someone who occasionally looks at me that way. Not every day, not all the time, but every now and then.
Like, maybe when I get dressed up for sex, or dressed up to go out with them, someone who still grins at me on special occasions and remembers why they’re with me.
But, I wanted that to be John, not someone new. I didn’t want to start over. It was more than just that, though. I was happy with him, most of the time. He was really the man I wanted, most of the time. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to lose any of this. I wanted to be happy with him.
And, I’m sure we can fix this. It is totally fixable. But, I need to feel like he wants to be with me because he’s in love with me, not just because he’s comfortable with me. He needs to be the one to sacrifice for once.
Right… yeah, that’s it. He needs to sacrifice for me, for once! It can’t always be the other way around. And I can’t always be too scared to just freaking ask him to give a little for me.
I marched myself back into the room, ignoring the teakettle that was starting to whistle on the stovetop. When I got to bedroom, he glanced up at me for a split second before looking back at his game.
“What is it?” he asked.
“I need you to get off of that,” I told him.
“What?” he sounded surprised. “Why?”
“Because I need to talk to you.”
“But we can do that at any time. I’m in a game with my friends right now.”
I took in a deep breath to steady my voice. “John, I need you to come talk to me. It’s important. It’s more important than a video game that isn’t even real. Please.”
“No,” he said, without looking up.
“What?!” I asked, kind of shocked. I mean, I know I told Ellie he’d never sacrificed for me, but I’d never really asked him to. And now that I was… he was just going to say no?!
“I said no. I’ll talk to you when I’m done. Whatever it is, it can wait.”
I couldn’t believe him! Now I was really fuming!
“You’re kidding me, right!?” I snapped. “I can wait, but this can’t?! This video game?”
“My friends are depending on me!” he snapped. “Just go away, Catherine. I’ll talk to you in like ten minutes, fuck.”
And now he was cussing at me, awesome. He pretty much never cussed at me during an argument.
Although, now that I think about it, that could be because I pretty much never argue with him. Like, seriously, never. I don’t ever put him on the spot like this. I don’t ever insist he come around to my way of thinking. I just… don’t.
And, now that I do, this is how he reacts? By not being able to put a game down for me? Cussing at me?
Was this relationship even what I’d once thought it was? Suddenly, all those memories of John treating me well were fuzzy. Had he ever really treated me that well?
I know he used to really be attracted to me, and it’d showed. He would often tell me how hot I was, he’d be all over me at parties, he always wanted to show me off…
But was that ever because he’d actually cared about me? Or just because he’d cared about what I’d given to him? Which was a hot, fun, exciting party girl. Did the kindness from him fade because now I was boring? He couldn’t show me off at college parties anymore? He’d gotten used to my attractiveness?
I don’t know.
I went back to my tea and tried to calm down. I poured the hot water in the kettle over my green tea bag and took in a deep breath as I sat at the kitchen table and waited.
Johnathon came out about five minutes later.
“Alright, fine, what’s so damn important?” he ask
ed in an exasperated tone.
Tears were filling the corner of my eyes.
“When do you ever sacrifice for me!?” I snapped.
“What?!” he asked, obviously taken aback.
“When do you sacrifice for me? Because I have sacrificed so much for you. My friends, where I want to live, a big chunk of my happiness… I keep my mouth shut to keep you happy, I do whatever you like, I let you off he hook when you miss appointment after appointment for our wedding. And for what?! What do you actually sacrifice for me, John?!”
He looked even more shocked now, and it wasn’t hard to tell why. I never talked to him like this, never really confronted him like this, and he wasn’t expecting it.
“I… I sacrifice for you,” he mumbled.
“What?” I asked. “What’s literally anything you’ve sacrificed? Seriously, name one thing, it can literally be as small as being willing to turn your video game off to talk to me when you see I’m upset.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” he snapped. “You’re really going to hold that against me?! It’s been five fucking minutes, chill out.”
“Five minutes isn’t the point, John! It’s the willingness to do something for me! The willingness to make me a priority over your fucking friends and co-workers. But can you? No! You’ll make anyone a priority over me!”
“Where the fuck is this coming from?” he asked. “Is it your new florist friend?”
“What? What are you talking about?!”
“I’m talking about your new friend! First, you come home from drinking, and you tell me you need to feel special. Now, you come home from brunch, and you’re telling me I don’t sacrifice for you. What kind of ideas is she putting in your head? Just because this is how she treats her man—”
“Oh my God, she doesn’t even have a man!” I argued.
He scoffed. “And pretty obvious why, if this is the kind of bullshit she feeds you.”
I groaned. “She’s a lesbian, John! That’s why she doesn’t have a man! And she hasn’t put any ideas in my head. These ideas have been in my head a long time, and I’ve never said anything because, somewhere down the line, I turned into a complete and total pussy. And I fucking hate it, and I want to change. And she just gave me the courage to finally confront you with it.”
“Well, I don’t want you hanging out with her anymore,” he said suddenly. “She’s changing you for the worst. We’ll get a different florist, cancel the flowers.”
Now was my time to scoff. “Excuse me, John? You do not dictate my friends!”
“And she does not dictate our relationship! This is bullshit! You felt fine a few days ago!”
“No, I didn’t feel fine a few days ago!” I insisted. “You felt fine, only you. I’ve been miserable. I’ve been in love with a man who doesn’t act like he’s in love with me and doesn’t act like he wants to marry me at all. This isn’t something that Ellie caused. And, I’m sure as hell am not going to stop hanging out with her! I like her, I like her friends, I finally have friends! You should be happy for me!”
“If your so-called friends are going to make you act like this, then, no, I’m not happy for you, I’m really not. Go back to normal, and I’ll be happy for you.”
I stared him down. “This is my normal. This is who I’ve always been, before you. A woman who sticks up for herself. A woman who speaks her mind. Someone who doesn’t let her partner control her. I am getting back to normal, sorry if it’s not as appealing to you as someone who shuts up and lets you do whatever you want.”
“You know what?” he said quickly. “I am leaving.”
“Leaving?! Leaving where?!”
“I don’t know. Anywhere, I need to get the fuck out of this house. I’m seriously done, Catherine. Call me when you want to act less crazy.”
“I am not being crazy! Just because I want you to act like you love me and sacrifice a little bit for me doesn’t make me crazy! It makes me like any other woman on earth.”
He laughed. “Oh, I can assure you, there are plenty of other women on the planet who do not act like you. Who do not insist upon shit like you. This is not normal behavior, it’s fucking annoying behavior.”
“Then, why don’t you go find one of those magical girls who doesn’t care what you do, huh? Why not go be with them instead of me?”
“Fine!” he shouted. “I fucking will!”
He grabbed his keys and started heading toward the door.
My heart ached immediately. That was not the answer I’d wanted from him. I’d wanted him to tell me he wanted me, that I wasn’t crazy, that what I was saying made sense. I didn’t want him running out the door to go be with someone else…
That couldn’t be what he was doing, right? He was just answering in anger. There’s no way he would actually leave and go fuck someone else… right?
“Wait, John…” I said.
“Bye, Catherine,” he said coldly.
“But where are you going?! Who are you going to see?!”
“Bye, Catherine!” he repeated.
He opened the garage door and slammed it behind him. I chased him into the garage, but he was already getting in the car as I got in there.
“Stop!” I told him. “Don’t you go anywhere!”
He opened the garage door anyway.
“Dammit, John, stop! Stop it! You’re not leaving.”
“Yes, I am!” he shouted loudly enough that I could hear it through the car door.
I started pounding on the window. “Who are you going to go see?! Did you mean it?! Are you going to go see a woman?!”
“Bye, Catherine,” he repeated, as he started pulling out of the driveway.
I started pounding on the window. "John! Stop it! Don’t drive away from me like this!” I pleaded. I was crying now. Yelling and crying with an open garage door for the entire fucking neighborhood to see. God dammit, when did this become my life?
Thankfully, we lived out in the country with sparse houses, and nobody seemed to be outside right now. Still, I was humiliated. And, I was doubly humiliated when I watched John actually pull out… something I didn't think he was going to do.
But he did. He left me there, standing in the garage and pleading with him like an idiot not to go. Or, even just pleading with him to take back what he said, to assure me he was not actually going to see another woman.
But, he didn't have to. We both knew that. We both knew he wasn’t really going to go see another woman. He was going to end up at the bar, texting his friends to come hang out with him. John maybe a lot of shitty things, but he wasn’t a cheater, that was for sure.
All the other shitty things though, ugh… I can’t believe he would just storm away from me like that! At such an intense emotional moment… I don’t know, I hadn’t been expecting that.
Since we hadn’t had any big fights like that, I was only ever able to imagine how he’d react to a big fight. And, I’ve got to say, in my head, his reactions were much better.
I’d used to think if I’d ever been ever as upset as I am now, he’d do anything to comfort me. He’d hold me, he’d say loving words, he’d show me kindness, no matter how intense a fight got.
Apparently, he’ll do the opposite. He’ll respond with cruelty. So, that’s good to know.
I felt sick. I know this isn’t the end of our relationship or anything, but I had that funny feeling in my chest… the nausea that you get before you know that your relationship is over.
It wasn’t over, I was just experiencing that level of sadness. It was like my world had collapsed from under me, because the world I knew wasn’t there anymore. The kind of man I’d thought I’d had… he wasn’t here anymore. He wasn’t the person I thought he was.
And what was I even supposed to do with this information? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do in this situation. It felt like everything was falling apart.
The worst part was that, it technically isn’t. I know, that sounds weird, why would it be worse that things aren’t
actually falling apart?
I guess, because if I’d seen this side of him years ago, I could have broken up with him. I could have ended our relationship. Then, things truly would be falling to pieces. And I’d be truly broken up about it…
But at the same time, if that were the case, I could start moving on. I could rebuild my life, and I wouldn’t be stuck with someone who treated me like this the second things got tough.
I didn’t feel like I could break up with him, though. We were engaged. We had made a promise to marry each other. We lived together, we’d been together for years, we’d formed a life together. There is no taking that back… and it seemed like too late to change it.
I knew it wasn’t. I knew that I could end this if I really wanted. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to give up the years, the time, the energy, the love that I had put into this relationship. I couldn’t just let it all slip away from me… I just couldn’t.
So, we were going to have to work it out somehow. And that made me sadder. Because the man I’d just seen wasn’t a man who wanted to work things out. That was a man who would do anything he could to leave a tough situation.
Was he going to come back with a different attitude? And if he didn’t, how the hell was I supposed to fix things? How can you force someone to be reasonable and work things through?
I couldn’t. Which made my relationship basically feel hopeless. Which made me a broken shell of a person lying on the couch, wondering what my future is going to be.
I wanted to talk to someone. I didn’t feel like I could talk to my friends back home, not if I was still going to go through with the wedding, which I planned to. I couldn’t taint their view of John and me.
But, I also didn’t feel like I could turn to Ellie for this. She’d been a great friend so far, truly, and she’d probably be super sweet if I reached out.
But I had already whined to her enough, especially for the amount of time we’d been hanging out. I didn’t want to become annoying. And, this seemed like even too personal to talk to a new friend about.
I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t, I was just feeling really vulnerable. Too vulnerable to talk to someone I didn’t know very well.