Das landhaus am Rhein. English
Page 99
CHAPTER IX.
THOUGHTS OF THE RELEASED.
Bella sat quietly as she rode homewards with her husband. After a longsilence. Count Clodwig said,--
"My heart is full of happiness and joy; it is a real blessedness to seea woman who is sixty years old, and who has never had a thought thatshe needed to repent of."
Bella looked up quickly. "What does this mean? Has he any idea of whathas transpired?
"That cannot be; he would not, in that case, have referred to it. Butperhaps it is his lofty manner of giving a hint towards a life ofpurity."
She was fearful of betraying herself if she made no answer, and yet shewas at a loss what to say. Making a violent effort of self-restraint,she said at last,--
"This lady is very happy in her poverty; she has a noble,highly-cultivated son."
Clodwig now looked round as if some one had pulled upon him. CouldBella have had any notion that the thought had crossed his mind,--Whatif this wife--and then Eric be thy son?
He was better off than Bella, for there was no necessity of his makingany reply; but he inwardly reproached himself for having had thefaintest impression of such a thought.
They drove along in silence; there was oneness of feeling, and yet eachhad saddening thoughts; for the rest of the way not a word was spoken.It seemed to Bella as if some mighty force must come and bear her awayinto chaos, into annihilation. The carriage rattled so strangely, thewheels grated, and the maid and the coachman looked to her likegoblins, and the flitting shadows of the moon like pictures in a dream,and the carriage with its inmates like a monster; anger, shame, pride,humiliation, were stormily coursing through her heart, that had not yetbeen calmed.
She was enraged with herself that she, who was mature in worldlyexperience, had allowed herself to be carried away by such a girlishinfatuation, for that was the name she still gave it. And had not herself-love been wounded? Was not this the first time that she had everstretched out her hand without its being grasped?
It came across her that Eric might have overstated his love to her, inorder to lessen the feeling of shame on her part. As she thought itover, it seemed to her that she detected something unnatural in histone, something forced and constrained.
She thought again of Eric. Where is he now? Is he talking with any one?He certainly suffers deeply; he has saved himself and thee. Herthoughts were like a whirlwind. Now she scornfully exulted. It was onlya trifling jest, an experiment, a bold play! She, Bella, the strong,had only tried to bring a young man to his knees before her, and shewould have thrust him away with contempt if she had succeeded. She cansay this--who can contradict her? Her whole past life was good evidencein her favor, and yet she felt ashamed of this lie.
But what is now to be done? she asked again. She is simply to be quiet;she will meet the man with indifference; her last word to him was towarn him against any attachment to Manna. There was the whole! That wasthe pivot on which, turned the whole bold game. She promised herself toroot out of her soul every passionate feeling, every violent emotion.She was now grateful to the destiny that had aroused within her thestrong forces of nature--her virtue had now been tried in the fire.
She took the veil from her face, and looked up at the stars. Theyshould be witnesses that all immoderate, all childish allurements, thatwere unworthy of her, should be put far away. Now she silently thoughtof what Eric had said, "For this end are culture and knowledge bestowedupon us, that we should rule over ourselves."
As they were going up the hill on which Wolfsgarten was situated, therecame over her a feeling of imprisonment; she thought her hands weretied, and she put them outside of her mantle. Clodwig thought she wasseeking his hand; he took hers and held it with a gentle pressure.
They reached Wolfsgarten in silence, and Clodwig said, as they stood inthe brightly lighted garden-saloon,--
"We can be silent in each other's company; and this is the fairestcomradeship, when each one abides in himself and yet is with another."
Bella nodded, looking at the whole surroundings with a wonderingglance. What is all this? To whom does all this belong? What power hasbrought her here? Where has she been? How would it be now, here alonewith her husband, if----
It seemed to her that she must fall on her knees, grasp his hand, andbeg for forgiveness.
But it is better, she thought, not for herself--she believed that shewas ready to humble herself to the utmost,--but better for him not toknow anything of what had transpired. It ought to be concealed fromhim. She bowed her head, and Clodwig kissed her brow, saying:--
"Your brow is hot."
Each retired to rest.
Bella sent her maid away and undressed without her aid to-night.
After Clodwig and Bella had driven off, the Mother went to thevine-embowered house with Eric. She led him by the hand like a littlechild; she felt his hand tremble, but she said nothing; when they hadreached the steps, she said,--
"Eric, kiss me!"
Eric understood her meaning; she wanted to see if he could kiss herwith pure lips. He kissed her. Mother and son uttered no word.
Every pain was removed from Eric's whirling brain. And truth requiresit to be said, that the most painful thought was, that a feeling ofregret had come over Eric, a short time previously. The temptersuggested that he had been too scrupulous, too conscientious. He hadthrust from him a beautiful woman, who was ready to clasp him withloving arms. When he surprised himself in these thoughts, he wasprofoundly wretched. All pride, all self-congratulation, and allexalted feelings of purity, were extinguished; he was a sinner withoutthe sin. He had believed himself raised upon a lofty eminence; he hadeven represented his love to Bella in stronger colors than the factswarranted. Now there was a recoil, and the whole power of the rejectedand disdained love avenged itself upon his doubly sinful head.
For a long time he wandered about in the quiet night.
The soul has its feverish condition from wounds as well as the body,and equally requires a soothing treatment.
Eric had amputated a part of his soul in order to save the rest, and hesuffered from the pain. But as the dew fell upon tree and grass, andupon the face of Eric, so fell a dew upon his spirit.
The self-exaltation of virtue was now taken out of him, washed away byhis double repentance, and he was now again a child.
As he looked back to the vine-embowered house, he thought: I will, as aman, preserve within me the child; and still further he thought: Thouhast withdrawn thyself from temptation through the consciousness ofduty; be tender towards the rich and great, to whom everything isoffered, to whom so much is allowed; the consciousness of duty does notrestrain them so absolutely as it does him who is in the world, him whomust help and be helped by others, and who has lost everything when hehas lost himself.
He returned home late in the evening; and at night he dreamed that hewas struggling in the midst of the floods of the Rhine, and he, thestrong swimmer, was not able to contend against the waves.
He shrieked, but a steam-tug drowned his cry, and the helmswoman of aboat looked down upon him with contempt--and all at once it was not thehelmswoman, but a maiden form with wings and two brightly-gleamingeyes.