Saving Sarah

by Nan Reinhardt

  God, would she ever be normal again? Or had the possibility of a loving relationship with a man been beaten out of her?

  “Yeah, that’s me.” Tony grinned. “Always been one of those radical peace-and-love hippie types.”

  Sarah couldn’t help picturing him all beardy in a tie-dyed T-shirt and torn jeans—a look that would work for him way better than the sheriff’s uniform. “I can totally see that.” She gazed up at him, her heart beating a little faster at his tender expression.

  “Sarah…” He raised one hand toward her, but when she flinched reflexively, he rotated his wrist to look at his watch, disappointment clear in his eyes. “Hey, it’s getting late, and I’ve got an early court appearance tomorrow.”

  Dammit. The reaction was pure instinct, even though he was awakening an ache inside her that she hadn’t experienced in almost thirty years. “Tony, I-I…” She looked away.

  “Hey, don’t.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, and his smile was warm. “We’re good.” After dropping a quick kiss on the top of her head, he became all business. “Pack up and don’t put the magazine back in. Pull the slide back and if there’s a bullet in the chamber, it should eject.”

  Sensation fluttered through Sarah as he turned away, and once again she fought the urge to stroke the thick hair curling over his collar.

  FIFTEEN

  “Sarah, it’s Home Depot, not the White House.” Julie’s voice carried up the stairs. “What the hell are you doing up there?”

  “I’m coming.” Sarah scowled at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Was the taupe eye shadow too much? The peachy lipstick too glossy? Makeup was something she hadn’t messed with in years—not since she’d left Georgia. In Chicago, a quick brush of blush across her cheeks and a dash of mascara to color her auburn lashes and she was good to go. Women in the shelter wore makeup to hide bruises, not to look attractive, and Sarah had simply gotten out of the habit.

  Today, she wanted to look good and she wasn’t fooling herself about why. Instead of a quick ponytail, she’d coaxed her unruly hair into a softer, more feminine knot at the base of her skull, letting a few strands curl around her face, and she’d popped a flowy flowered blouse over her tank top and jeans, lending a much more feminine appearance to her usual workaday outfit. She shook her head. Was she seriously prettying herself up for a man?

  Her shiny lips twisted into a grimace. Yup. That’s exactly what she was doing. Heat suffused her cheeks as she recalled how she’d shivered at Tony’s light touch on her spine when he walked her to her door the night before. He’d dropped his hand when they reached the door, standing still as a soldier as she worked the two locks. A single move from her and she’d have been in his arms, but she couldn’t muster the courage, so she thanked him for a lovely evening, trying to put into those few words what she couldn’t make herself demonstrate with a goodnight kiss. His smile was so warm and friendly when he stepped away she’d almost called him back.

  But she didn’t.

  When she’d peeked between the slats of the shutters, watching as Tony ambled down the dock to check on the Allegro before he headed up the hill to town, her heart ached. She’d lain awake for several hours after she’d made her final pass through the apartment, testing doors and windows. Her fantasies never got past a few passionate kisses, though. The rest was…unthinkable. This morning, the ache had turned into a quiver of anticipation at the idea of seeing the sexy deputy.

  With a nod to the redhead in the mirror, she hurried down the stairs to the kitchen where Julie had helped herself to coffee and one of Margie Dixon’s blueberry scones.

  “Well, look at you!” Jules exclaimed around a mouthful of pastry. “You clean up nice, kiddo.”

  “It’s just a little makeup.” Sarah poured herself a second cup of coffee.

  “And a very pretty blouse and, um, hey, I like what you did with your hair. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’ll appreciate the extra effort.” Julie’s eyes held a teasing glint, which Sarah pointedly ignored.

  “I have a list on my phone.” Pulling the device out of her jeans pocket, she tapped the screen awake. “We need at least two towel racks for each bathroom plus some for the kitchen and the mudroom, toilet paper racks, and I’m thinking a couple of paper towel holders for the kitchen since it’s such a big room. Like one by the main double sink and then one by that smaller prep sink? Also one in the mudroom above the laundry tub. Man, I’m so glad we decided to give each bedroom its own bathroom. It took out some closet space and meant jockeying things somewhat, but I like that each family will have a private bath, don’t you?”

  “Sure.” Julie grinned over the rim of her coffee cup as Sarah scanned the list, mentally going through each room of the big house. “Come on, Sarah, dish!”

  “Oh, I’m going to add those big hook things for the backs of the bathroom doors—you know, like for robes?” Sarah concentrated on the list. At last she looked up, and the goofy expression on her friend’s face was irresistible. Pocketing her phone with a sigh, Sarah poured another cup of coffee and sat down on the other tall stool by the kitchen bar. “We had a nice time. We went to the Fishwife for supper, took a walk on the jetty to watch the sun set, and then went to Perkins to shoot.”

  “Okay”—Julie’s blue eyes sparkled with curiosity—“cop date, but the sunset has potential. Was it, you know, romantic?”

  “It was a first date, Jules.” Sarah reached for a scone and a napkin. “Very casual.” Heat rose to her cheeks, so she took a bite to avoid talking.

  “Sarah, talk to me.”

  Sarah chewed and swallowed. “He’s a great guy.”

  “I’ve always thought Tony was kinda hot.” Julie mused. “That intellectual lumberjack vibe totally works.”

  “He was… He was very kind.”

  “Hmm, not exactly a ringing first-date endorsement. I’m going to ignore that for the moment, because this morning you’re wearing eyeshadow and lip gloss.” Julie quirked one brow. “That tells me you liked him enough to want him to ask you out again.”

  Sarah sighed. Julie was relentless and, besides, a little post-game rehash might calm the butterflies in her stomach. “I told him about Georgia—not the details because they don’t matter. I talked about that last day and Macy.”

  “Did you tell him what happened in Chicago?”

  “No, did you?” Sarah’s heart rose to her throat. As far as she knew, there was no police report about that night. She couldn’t imagine that Paul had turned her in. Besides, the network had simply wiped her existence from the shelter.

  “No, all he knows about that night is that the bastard turned up and you ran.” Julie’s gaze drilled into Sarah’s. “Don’t keep secrets from him. He’s a good guy and he’s already falling for you, Sarah. I can see it on his face every time he looks at you. If you’re going to let things progress, he deserves the whole truth. And your trust.”

  Shaking her head, Sarah felt sadness welling up inside her. “Maybe I’d better stop now before things go too far. I’m a mess. He doesn’t need a woman like me. He’s got a great life here and he’s too much of a gentleman to end things if they get to a point where he can’t handle all my stupid baggage.”

  “Why don’t you let Tony decide what he needs?” Julie’s voice was gentle. “Do you like him?”

  Sarah hesitated before she answered, pondering the question as she chewed another bite of scone. “Yes. Dear God, yes. I like him.” She twirled sideways on her stool and leaned against the granite countertop. “It’s the first time in over twenty-five years that I’ve had the…the feeling. You know the one? That unsettled, sorta tingly sensation right here.” She put her hand over her lower belly.

  Nodding, Julie chuckled. “Yep—the one I get every single time Will comes into view.”

  “Seriously? Still?”

  “Of course, still. I’m crazy about him. The same thing happened with Charlie the whole time we were married.” She touched Sarah’s arm. “That’s attraction, sweets.
It’s a good thing.”

  Heat suffused Sarah’s cheeks and she gazed at her coffee cup. “I don’t even recognize this, Jules. I haven’t felt it in ages. It disappeared the first time Paul shoved me to the floor, grabbed me by the hair, and forced me to—” Glancing up, she pressed her lips together at the tears welling in Julie’s eyes.

  Julie blinked. “Oh, babe…”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Sarah forced a small smile. “The point is, it’s been so long and here it is again.”

  “That’s wonderful, isn’t it?” Julie asked, obviously seeing the confusion etched on Sarah’s face.

  “Not if I can’t ever do anything about it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Sarah sighed. “He’s a normal guy, Jules. He’s going to eventually want…you know”—she opened her eyes wide at Julie’s bewilderment—“sex,” she finally managed. “He’s going to want to have sex and I can’t even imagine ever letting a man touch me that way again.”

  For once, Julie had no snappy reply. She simply stared at Sarah with a puzzled look on her beautiful face. No matter how hard her dear friend tried to understand, she never would.

  Sarah sipped her coffee and toyed with her scone, giving Julie time to figure out why making love with Tony—hell, making love with anyone—was impossible. After a moment, she whispered, “The attraction doesn’t mean I want him to touch me, Jules. Just the thought of that nearly turns my stomach.”

  Setting her cup on the bar, Julie slid off her stool to wander to the huge window overlooking Willow Bay. When she finally turned around, she wore the same determined expression she’d had the night Sarah had appeared on her and Will’s doorstep after Paul had turned up. Clearly, she was ready to do battle with whatever demons might be holding Sarah hostage. “Have you talked to Dr. Benton about this?”

  Sarah’s heart overflowed at her friend’s let’s-get-this-fixed-and-move-on outlook. How she wished life was that easy—a few sessions with the therapist and she’d no longer flinch when Tony raised his hand toward her. She searched for the words to explain how torn she’d been last night each time he touched her—longing for his touch and yet dreading it at the same time. How she was hungry for his kiss, yet terrified at what might come next. When he’d offered his hand down on the beach, the most natural thing in the world was to lace her fingers with his. But the very idea of his big body over hers, smothering her, pounding into her…

  Dear Lord.

  A long agonized shiver ran through her.

  “Jesus, Sarah!” Julie rushed over to peer into her face, hesitating for a moment before gathering her close in a sympathetic embrace. “I–I’m an idiot. I had no idea.”

  Swallowing hard, Sarah returned the hug, grateful once again for the gift of this friendship where she felt safe and protected. She sniffed and leaned back. “No tears. I’m not redoing this damn mascara, Jules.”

  Julie plopped back down on her stool and offered a fresh napkin from the basket on the counter. “Honey, I really think you need to bring this up with Dr. Benton. It’s part of the crap that you have to get rid of. All the bullshit has to go. All of it. You deserve a new life, and frankly, I hope Tony can be in it. But whether it’s him or someone else, you can’t just shut down that part of you.” Blue eyes glittering, she pressed her lips into a thin line. “That bastard wins if you do.”

  Sarah dabbed at her cheeks, careful not to smudge her makeup, before giving Julie a tremulous smile. “I love you, Jules,” she said around the lump in her throat before straightening her shoulders and taking a deep breath. “It’s not that I don’t want a normal life—hell, look at me! I’m wearing makeup for God’s sake. I spent fifteen minutes accomplishing this carefully careless hairstyle.” She gave a little self-deprecating shrug. “If I’ve got a chance at normal at all, it’s here in this beautiful place with you and Carrie and Sophie and Libby. Here where there’s important work for me to do, where I can make a difference for women who’ve been in the same hell I lived through for too many years. Right now, that’s my focus. Maybe Tony’s a part of it too, but—”

  “He should be.” Julie’s voice was urgent. “Tony’s perfect for you.”

  “Ah, that may well be.” Sarah nodded sadly. “The more significant question is, am I perfect for him?”

  “I happen to think you are,” Julie replied firmly. “Promise me you’ll talk to Dr. Benton about the sex. She’ll help you through it. Look how much better you are already.”

  “You know, a man isn’t the answer to every problem.” Sarah rose, rinsed out their cups, and tucked the foil back around the plate of scones. “I’ve done fine and dandy for the last eight years without a man in my life. I haven’t missed it one bit.”

  “That’s because the only men you’ve been around for the last eight years have been sweet old Mack and those jackasses who came looking for the women they beat the crap out of. You built up this sturdy armor around your emotions and became tough-chick Sarah.” Julie tipped her blonde head to look into her eyes across the bar. “You don’t have to be tough here. We’ve got your back. Me and Carrie and the rest of the MP and Tony too, if you’ll let him.”

  Sarah bit her lower lip to keep back the threatening tears. Hell’s bells, she’d cried more since arriving in Willow Bay than she had in the last twenty-eight years. In Ames, she couldn’t afford the luxury of tears—crying only encouraged Paul’s viciousness. And if she stopped to indulge her sorrow over Macy since escaping Georgia, she knew she’d never stop weeping. That pain was tucked in the furthest recesses of her heart, something never to be taken out and examined if she was to remain sane.

  “Don’t close your mind and heart to new possibilities, babes,” Julie said. “You’re too young. There’s too much of life ahead.”

  A spasm twisted through Sarah’s heart. How did she deserve a new wonderful life when Macy never had a chance at a life at all?

  SIXTEEN

  Dusk darkened the sky by the time Tony finally managed to get out to the huge old mansion. His long stride took him swiftly past Chris’s beat-up Jeep, which was the only vehicle left in the parking lot. He’d been itchy all day, anxious to see Sarah after their “first date.”

  God, wasn’t he beyond all this high-school crush nonsense? He was a damn grandfather, not some overly hormonal teenager. Apparently not, or why was his stomach juddering as he opened the front door? Why were his knees weak at the sight of her adorable behind stuck in the air as she… What exactly was she doing up there anyway?

  “Sarah?” Tony approached the staircase where she was using a putty knife to scrape at something on the newly sanded landing.

  She dropped the tool and jerked around with a gasp.

  He made it up the steps just in time to catch her as she lost her balance. “I’ve got you,” he said, pivoting her around to face him while she flailed, finally settling her hands on his shoulders.

  “You scared the crap out of me.” The obvious delight in her eyes curbed the accusatory tone of her voice.

  Her hair, pulling out of the knot in the back, fell in curly tendrils around her face. Her flowered blouse was tied under her breasts over a snug yellow tank top that had come untucked from her jeans, revealing an expanse of taut white stomach, and she had a smudge of dirt across one cheek.

  Adorable.

  Tony’s reaction was as instinctive as racing up the stairs to catch her. He bent his head and captured her lips in a kiss.

  Sarah slipped one hand up his shoulder to the nape of his neck, where her fingers slid into the hair curling over his collar. She tilted her head and leaned into the kiss. Without breaking contact, he tightened his grip on her hips and tugged her up off the steps to a safer position on the landing.

  The kiss, gentle and yet somehow full of passion, lasted for a long moment. When he finally lifted his head, he realized his hold had left her toes dangling above the sanded surface. He eased her back down onto her feet, his hands still firmly on her waist. Letting her hands fall to her sides,
she rested her forehead on his chest.

  They were both breathing heavily, and suddenly, Tony wasn’t at all sure what to do with his own hands. Should he release her? Had he scared her? Maybe not—she was still there. She hadn’t bolted. His heart pounded so hard he was surprised her head wasn’t bouncing as he waited for her to say or do something.

  Finally, she stepped back a few inches, staring up at him with wide eyes, a hint of a smile on her full lips. Was there anything sexier than a woman who’d just been thoroughly kissed? “Well, hullo there, Deputy,” she said, her voice soft and breathy.

  Relief coursed through him. “Hi.” Resisting the urge to go in for another kiss, he reached for her hand instead and laced their fingers together as he led her to the window seat. “You’re here late. Where’s Chris?”

  “Up in the master bath caulking around the tub.” When she didn’t pull away after they sat, Tony was thrilled beyond words. “Did you come to lend a hand?”

  “Nope. I actually came to see if you wanted to go get a pizza, but I’m happy to help out. What needs doing?” Her hand was so small in his. Hell, she was so small. He wanted to tug her onto his lap and hold her. Given the current state of his lap, that would probably be a tactical error. Moving slow was key in this relationship. He knew because for several nights, he’d read into the wee hours about the PTSD suffered by abuse victims.

  In particular, he’d Googled information about sexual abuse. Julie hadn’t given him any personal details and he hadn’t asked. Sarah’s inclination to flinch at almost any affectionate touch, his own cop instincts and Paul Prescott’s smirking mug shot were what had convinced him she’d probably been terrorized in every possible way by the bastard. One day, she might confide in him, but whether she did or not, he would progress gently no matter how desperately he wanted her.