Lost in Love

by Madeline Kennet

  “This is too flattering,” she cried, stirred by the depth of his affection for her. “How is it that you came to be in love with me. I want to understand your feelings if you can bring yourself to speak of them.”

  “I think it may give me some relief to speak of them, unusual though it may be for a gentleman to unburden myself to the object of his affections. I believe they were formed in the little things at first. I began to be drawn toward you the second time we were in company together. Some remark you made caught my attention, and I was very soon enticed by your playful manners and amusing way of talking. In our next few meetings, I found myself wishing to hear everything you had to say. I kept listening to your conversations with the hope of being able to join in them.”

  “I did notice that you seem to listen to me a great deal, but I must confess to having thought your attentions were satirical. Another misunderstanding which led us astray, I am afraid. It was because of this incorrect perception that I went out of my way to provoke you. I wish I had understood your true motive, but you never did say much.”

  “I could not find the courage to speak. The more I attended to your words, the more I felt myself inadequate for saying anything which would entertain you. Your playfulness fascinated me, but I could not return it in the right spirit, or properly show you my growing interest. In the end, I became quite resigned to having only the pleasure of admiring your beauty.”

  “You thought me beautiful, even then?” This compliment excited her gratitude and added something to the feelings which had risen earlier.

  “I did, and I never thought you more attractive than on the day when you walked to Netherfield, arriving with bright eyes and a fresh complexion.”

  “Yet you were as provoking as ever during my stay there.”

  “That was when I began to feel the danger of noticing you. In those few days, I realized that I did not feel an ordinary attraction and that I was on the verge of losing my heart to you. I am sorry to tell you this, but if I was unpleasant it was because I was fighting those feelings and thinking you a threat to my comfort. It was difficult being around you so often, telling myself that this could not be at the same time as I could not keep my eyes from constantly straying in your direction.”

  “Oh!” she cried, as a recollection stirred in her memories. “I do remember noticing you frequently looking at me one evening. Believing myself to be the object of your dislike, I thought you must be finding something wrong with me.”

  “There was never anything wrong with you, but a great deal wrong with me. I was falling hopelessly in love for the first time in my life, and instead of rejoicing in my feelings, I sought to do battle with them because I thought you beneath me. You must despise me for that.”

  “Oddly enough, I do not. I find that I appreciate your honesty. You may recall that I always wanted to make out your character.”

  “I do want you to know all of my character. Even the worst of it. If you choose, I shall lay it all bare before you. Anything you want to know, I will tell you. There is nothing I would hesitate to share with you.”

  Elizabeth felt a quickening of her breath and an unsteadiness in her walk. This was evidence of the deepest love. It spoke also to the importance of his feelings for her. He would share all and lay his soul bare. That was the sort of man she could love.

  “Am I wrong to believe that you are not unaffected?” he asked in a breaking voice. “I cannot deny that I still long for a chance with you. I never expected one, but now that I see your hand shaking and hear your breath catching, I dare to hope. I fear I should not say it, especially in view of my intention to find a way past this awkwardness, but I long to know if there is even the slightest hope that all is not lost.”

  “It is hard to know how to answer you,” she said slowly. “The truth is that I do not know what I am feeling. I do not want to give you false hope, but I can say that all my opinions of you have been turned upside down of late. I no longer feel animosity toward you. That much is certain, and perhaps there is something more. I find myself at a loss to fully understand it, but there was something about you earlier which I must confess excited my interest. Hearing you speak of your love has affected me, but at the moment I cannot determine exactly in what way. I must caution you that this might only be gratitude for having incited such deep affection or compassion for your disappointment, yet I do think that my feelings have a greater degree of warmth than can be accounted for by benevolence alone. That is all I can say for now, but it is more than I should have said. I too feel some urge to share everything with you.”

  “I could not ask for more. This openness means much more to me than just giving hope. I understand, however, that you need time to know your own feelings, and I am not asking you to hasten that process. Even though you fully know my feelings and wishes and we are talking freely of them, it is not my intention to press you into anything. You must not feel that I am rushing you by telling you everything.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  Reasons for Marriage

  “I hope that you were able to enjoy your last week in Kent,” Mr. Darcy said. “It has concerned me that I might have spoiled the last of your holiday for you.”

  “It was not unenjoyable,” she replied. “I did spend a lot of time in contemplation of some disagreeable things, but I still enjoyed my walks and the company of my friends. We also dined with your aunt two more times after you left.”

  “Yes,” he said. “I can understand what sort of an entertainment that would have been. On that subject, I would like to apologize for my aunt’s incivility to you. There were several times when I shuddered at hearing the way in which she spoke to you. Her criticism of your playing and her offer for you to practice on the pianoforte in Mrs. Jenkinson’s room were particularly rude. Your forbearance in tolerating her was admirable.”

  “I could hardly do anything else considering that I was enjoying her hospitality,” Elizabeth said. “Besides, I soon became used to Lady Catherine. As Mr. Collins puts it, she likes the distinction of rank to be preserved.”

  “She certainly does. It comes from having been raised in an exceptionally proud family. My mother also had a great share of pride, but it was tempered by a warm-heartedness which her sister does not possess. Indeed, Lady Catherine has always been the worst of the family. You may be able to guess from Colonel Fitzwilliam’s manners that his parents are more amiable people.”

  “I can well believe it. I did like the colonel very much. His good nature reminded me of Mr. Bingley.”

  “I saw that you got along well. With some envy, I must confess to my shame. There I was wanting to claim you as a friend, but falling into the old habits of provocation and disagreement, and in the meantime, it was with my cousin that you were fast becoming great friends. It was clear that you liked him better than me. To be honest, there were a few times when I wondered exactly how far that liking went.”

  “No further than thinking him a likable person and very good company.”

  “At least he gave excellent representation of my family. I am glad that you met him or else you might be thinking that all my relatives are like Lady Catherine, which would be no recommendation of my suit. I wonder now that I could have said such dreadful things about your family without being struck by the failings of my own. It was very good of you not to throw that in my face.”

  “I did not think of it to be honest. I expect I would have done if I had, but I was too busy abusing you in every other way.”

  “One can hardly blame you,” he said. “It was a very rude proposal. It haunts me that I began by telling you I had struggled against my feelings. That was an ill-conceived notion. What man could really want to marry the lady who accepted him after such a declaration? I really did believe, in the most arrogant way, that you would accept because of my wealth and consequence. After my anger died down, however, I found my respect for you increasing because you were not tempted by those things. I then had to admire your principles.”


  “I have never thought of marrying for any reason but love. While you were speaking, it never once occurred to me what I might acquire by accepting you.”

  “It would have been a great deal, he replied, but not in a boasting tone. “Fine homes, carriages, jewels, a large allowance, and into the bargain, a proud, selfish, and conceited husband whom you could never have loved, and who would have grown bitter from knowing his feelings to be unrequited. I can only think what a fortunate thing it is that you refused me. That is not the sort of marriage I ever wanted.”

  “Nor I. If I should happen to change my mind and accept you, those things will play no part in my decision.”

  “I know they would not. You are too principled to accept a man you do not love for the sake of riches.”

  “Not even for the sake of a simpler sort of comfort,” Elizabeth said. “Even the prospect of homelessness and hunger would not persuade me to go against the dictates of my heart.”

  “I am sure you would never be homeless. Your relatives strike me as the sort of people who would not allow it.”

  “They are indeed,” she said warmly. “There are two of the kindest people I know, who would not see any of their family in need. I have no cause for real concern, yet one does not want to be a burden on family members. It is too common a fate, and I believe the prospect of it may be held accountable for many an unsuitable marriage. I have had recent proof of it, which challenged all my notions of good sense.”

  “It cannot have been easy seeing a friend make a choice which you would not,” he said, comprehending to which event she referred.

  “A choice which I did not make, in fact,” she said. “Mr. Collins proposed to me, but I refused him. I could not marry a man of whom I had such a low opinion.”

  “At the Netherfield ball, I noticed a great interest on his part, but I was confident that he would not succeed with you. I knew even then that it would take much more to win your acceptance, an awareness which makes my own pretensions so much more foolish; however,” he said, with a smile and an introduction of humour into his tone. “It is a small comfort to know that I am not alone in having offered you marriage to a man of whom you have a poor opinion.”

  “You are in no category with Mr. Collins,” she assured him, returning the smile. “You are a man of much greater depth and self-awareness, two qualities which I find admirable, and now that you have learned to make sport of yourself, I begin to think you a fine sort of man.”

  “Hardly that,” he said with a rueful feeling. “I hope that I may yet be, however. For a time, I lost myself in pride and conceit, but I believe I can see my way to being a better person.”

  Advantage in Adversity

  Still walking slowly, they made their way around a bend which reversed their direction.

  “There is something that has been on my mind since I read your letter,” Elizabeth said. “If it is not too difficult a subject for you, I wonder if I might ask how your sister is faring after her unpleasant experience last summer.”

  “She is quite well fortunately. There has been no lasting effect other than being wiser.”

  “It has not made things awkward between you?”

  “Actually, I would say that our relationship is better than ever. At first, things were strained because she was wracked with guilt and I was disappointed in her. It was very shocking that she had agreed to an elopement, especially considering that she had been brought up with good principles and educated at a very respectable school. It was incomprehensible to me that she could have lost sight of these things, even under the spell of Mr. Wickham’s charms, and I could not help thinking that she had been weak-willed.”

  “She is still young and inexperienced in the world.”

  “She is, and it was my fault that she was left without proper guidance, but there was more to it than that. Mr. Wickham’s success can largely be attributed to her desire to be loved. It was not easy for me to understand that, but realizing that she and I did not have a strong connection was the one good thing to come out of this dreadful business. We were fond of each other, and she had always looked up to me, but we were never truly close. Talking over everything that happened brought us closer together, and learning that she felt a lack of affection made me realize the importance of letting her know how much I love her. She knows that now.”

  “I am pleased to hear it.”

  “It is mortifying that such a terrible event should have been needed to bring us together. I should have been more perceptive to her feelings, but it took near disaster to open my eyes. I can hardly be glad that an elopement was planned, but in the end, it was to the benefit of both of us, which has made it easier not to dwell upon it. I will add that I was pleased when Georgiana said, as we were leaving Ramsgate, that she believed she would not have been able to go through with it once the idea was turned into a reality. At first it seemed a romantic notion, but she had already been wracked by doubts as the day for their departure drew closer. I do believe her principles would ultimately have saved her from a foolish choice.”

  “It sounds as though they would have done, and this must give you confidence that you need not worry about the future.”

  “It does. I have no doubt that she will never consider such a course of action again, so the lesson learned was a valuable one. For both of us. I have had two very difficult experiences this year but good has come from both of them. In my sister’s case, I wish it need not have been such a painful lesson, but in the other instance, I grant that I was very much in need of the set-down you gave me.”

  “I am happy to have been of use.”

  They exchanged a smile.

  “Are you staying long in London?” he asked.

  “Only two more days. I go home again on Thursday.” she replied.

  “I wonder if you would do me the honour of allowing me to introduce my sister to you while you are here.”

  “I would be very pleased to make her acquaintance.”

  “And I might see something more of you? This warm weather puts me in mind of enjoying ices at Gunter’s. I am sure that Mr. Bingley would agree with me. Perhaps we could take you and your sister to enjoy that treat. And Miss Lucas of course.”

  “I would like that, and no doubt they will as well.”

  “I shall mention it to Mr. Bingley when we meet up with them. I am so glad that I came today. I had not wanted to, but Miss Bingley was insistent that I should be one of the party. I now find myself extremely grateful to her for being so pressing, and I am certain her brother is equally pleased that she insisted upon this excursion.”

  Devoted Declaration

  Mr. Bingley could not have been more delighted. He and Jane had walked closely behind the others, conversing of insignificant things at first, but gradually moving to more personal ones, which led him to believe that he was loved and always had been. His doubt overcome, he began to look for an opportunity for private conversation. After a time, they came to a place where the path divided, but both ways led out of the maze. The three couples in front all took the shorter route, but Mr. Bingley slowed down as they all went around a corner and then led Jane down the longer path.

  “If we had not met today, we would have seen each other before long,” he said as they ambled in a different direction from his sisters. “I am intending to go to Netherfield in a few days, and I had one particular reason for returning there, but meeting you today has given me a great desire to advance my plans. When I left Netherfield in November, it was with the intention of very soon returning because I felt that everything my heart desired was to be found there. Instead, my sisters joined me in London, and I listened to their persuasions and fell in with their wish of remaining there for the winter. I heartily regret having done so. It went against my own wishes, which were to be in Hertfordshire, and I consequently deprived myself of that which I most wanted. I was given to believe that you did not want the same, which is not a good excuse for my neglect of you, but I hope it will suffice as an explan
ation.

  “I now have reason to think that their representation was false. Even worse, I suspect that it was deliberate. They have given you little reason to favour my suit, but I hope that ultimately they have only succeeded in delaying our moment of happiness. I should have said this a long time ago. I say it today with the fear that you may mistrust me, and rightly so, but I must take my chances.”

  He stopped and turned to look directly at her. “My dear Miss Bennet, what I wish to say is that I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since almost the moment of our meeting. That feeling grew stronger every day we were together and has continued to do so while we have been apart. You have good reason to be disappointed with me since I disappeared so suddenly and failed to return to you, but I throw myself before you and humbly beg forgiveness.”

  He knelt in front of her. “Dear Jane, can I prevail upon you to make me the happiest man in the world by accepting my hand in marriage?”

  “It is you who will make me happy,” she said. “I do accept with all my heart.”

  They continued their leisurely progress, talking over their hopes for the future. When Mr. Bingley learned that Jane was travelling to Longbourn in a few day’s time, he decided that his own plans need not be altered, which would have been done if she had been remaining in London. It was agreed between them that he would speak to her father on Friday and get on with the business of planning a wedding.

  “Too much time has been wasted already,” he said. “I hope that we may be married as soon as possible.”

  Before the contented couple reached the maze’s exit, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy caught up with them and guessed what had passed upon seeing the radiant looks on their faces. Nothing was said on the subject, but everything was plain to see. The four of them chatted for the rest of the way and Mr. Bingley agreed that ices were the very thing to have in this weather and they should go on the morrow. Elizabeth also learned of his plan to travel to Netherfield on Friday and that it had already been put into motion. It pleased her to know that he had been intending to return and to guess that Jane had been his reason.