Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

  “Maybe, but you shouldn’t have to.”

  “Caroline, it’s not your fault.”

  But maybe it is, she said inside her head. Ryan had been shocked when she quit her manager position. He had accused her of changing, and she had denied it. She told him she was just trying to adjust, and that it hurt too much to be around softball every day. Somehow, he had turned it around and thought Connor was to blame. Just another example of how he didn’t understand where she was at in her life.

  She blinked, clearing her thoughts, and reached for her keys on the counter. “I should get going.”

  Connor nodded his head. “Are you going home? Or to talk to him?”

  “I think I have to talk to him.”

  “Just be careful, okay?”

  Caroline could see his worry as his forehead crinkled under his neat, but wavy bangs. “What do you mean?”

  “He got pretty angry. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  Caroline was touched that he cared so much. “I won’t.”

  Connor’s eyes held hers. “Good. Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

  He held the door open for her as they stepped onto the porch. Allie, Ace, and Blue jumped up from their beds to greet her again. She paused to give each of them a quick pat on the head before following Connor down the steps.

  “I’ll email you the PowerPoint and script, so you can go through it again before Monday.” Connor shoved his hands into his pockets as she opened her door.

  “That would be great. Thank you.”

  “No problem. I’ll see you then.” Connor took a few steps backward, toward the house.

  “Enjoy the rest of the weekend.” Ducking her head, she climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “Caroline?” Connor called out before she could shut the door.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ll be praying for you.”

  “If you think it’ll help.”

  A slow smile spread across his face. “It will. It always helps.” He lifted his hand in a wave as he turned and walked to the house.

  Caroline shut the car door, hesitating before she started the engine. She rolled down the driveway, taking her time to absorb everything she had heard in the last few minutes.

  She couldn’t believe Ryan would do something like that. It went against everything she knew about him. Sure, he could be a little obsessive with baseball, and a little out of touch with her and what she was feeling, but he would never threaten to hurt somebody. Not ever.

  But even through her surprise and disbelief, she knew Connor wasn’t lying. He wouldn’t make up something like this.

  A few tears stung her eyes, but she was determined not to let them fall. The small, two-lane highway she had to take to get to the interstate stressed her out, and she didn’t want to be crying as she drove through the curves. She tried to focus on the scenery instead. It was beautiful, with yellow grass covering the hills that rolled in every direction. Several ranches were spread out along the road, cows and horses dotting their fields. Peaceful and serene though it was, her mind insisted on thinking about Ryan.

  Caroline sighed, knowing she would have to give in to her thoughts, knowing she couldn’t keep Ryan out of her head after what she had learned. But if she had to think about him, then maybe she could at least control what she thought about. She settled on a memory from their senior year of high school. A happy time.

  A time that, more and more, seemed like it belonged to someone else.

  §

  “So, you really don’t know who Ryan is signing with today?” Chelsea Horton looked over at Caroline’s reflection in the high school bathroom mirror.

  Caroline shook her head, running her fingers through her blond hair, making sure it lay straight around her shoulders. “No. We agreed early on that we weren’t going to tell each other which schools we were talking to. We didn’t want to influence each other’s decisions. We need to make our choices individually, without worrying about each other.”

  “When you say ‘we,’ do you mean ‘he?’” McKenzie Thompson questioned her. Chelsea laughed as she pulled her lip gloss out of her bag. In just a few minutes, the three of them, along with a few boys from the baseball team, would be signing their letters of intent for the schools they would play for in college. A large group, including their families and friends and reporters for the local newspaper, had gathered in the school’s cafeteria to celebrate.

  “No, I don’t just mean ‘he.’” Caroline sighed in frustration. “We agreed on this.”

  “It’s just so weird. You guys have been together almost two years. It seems like you’d consider your relationship in this decision.” Chelsea clicked the cap back on her lip gloss.

  “But we’re only in high school,” Caroline argued. “We wanted to make sure we chose based on the best opportunities for our education, and to play, without adding each other into the mix.”

  “I guess it kinda makes sense, when you put it that way.” McKenzie tossed her auburn curls down her back. “You guys ready?”

  “Yep.” Chelsea threw her bag over her shoulder.

  “Me, too.” Caroline looked in the mirror one last time, making sure her jacket covered her t-shirt underneath. She and Ryan had also agreed to tell each other which college they were going to in private, before signing their letters. She didn’t want to give it away before they were ready.

  The girls turned the corner out of the bathroom and headed for the cafeteria. Caroline saw Ryan leaning against the wall, just outside the entrance. When he saw her, he stood up, his eyes full of anticipation.

  “We’ll see you in there, girl.” Chelsea and McKenzie rushed ahead, leaving Caroline alone with Ryan.

  He closed the distance between them, taking one of her hands in his, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand. “You ready for this?”

  “I guess so. It’s now or never, right?”

  Ryan laughed. “Yeah, I guess that’s kind of true.” He let go of her hand and lifted his fingers to the zipper of his own jacket. She followed his lead.

  They both pulled on their zippers, taking their time in revealing which college they had chosen. Heat filled Caroline’s cheeks as she recognized the red, navy, and white A on Ryan’s shirt, realizing it matched the one she was wearing.

  Ryan put his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground, and spun her in a circle “This is incredible!”

  She put her arms around his neck. “It’s perfect.”

  “This is gonna be great. Can you feel it, babe? This is it. This is our future.”

  Caroline smiled as he kissed her, feeling as happy as she had when U of A had offered her a scholarship.

  Ryan pulled away. “Come on, let’s go celebrate.” He took her hand, leading her to the cafeteria.

  Pulling her into their forever.

  §

  Caroline turned the key in the ignition, shutting her car off. She pulled her phone from her pocket to send two texts. The first to her dad.

  5:27 PM: I’m back in Tucson, stopped by campus. Will be home soon.

  The second to Ryan.

  5:28 PM: Where are you?

  She got out of her car, sliding her Student ID card into the pocket of her jeans. She shut the door harder than she intended. She leaned against her car, waiting for his reply.

  The phone buzzed in her hand, and her heart skipped a beat. But the answer was from her dad, not from Ryan.

  Dad 5:33 PM: See you soon.

  Caroline pressed down on the lock button, her phone clicking as the screen turned black. She shoved it into her pocket and pushed herself off the car. She had a good idea where Ryan was, supported by the fact that he hadn’t replied.

  Dusk was settling around her as she headed down the campus streets toward the gym. The temperature was dropping, sending goose bumps down her arms. Rubbing her hands over them, she wished she’d have thought to grab her jacket.

  Caroline paused as she reached the first set of windows that looked into the gym. Sure e
nough, there was Ryan, surrounded by his teammates as he lifted weights. She forgot the chill of the air as seeing him reminded her of her plan.

  She rushed down the sidewalk to the entrance, using her ID card to open the door. Pushing her way past people working out, she wound her way through the treadmills and bikes and other machines until she stood in front of Ryan and his friends. Their shirts were darkened by sweat, and they laughed at something Ryan had just said.

  “Ryan.” All of their eyes snapped up to her. At the sound of her voice, their laughter quickly died away.

  “Hey, babe. What are you doing here?” A flash of panic went through Ryan’s eyes as he spoke.

  “We need to talk.” Caroline crossed her arms as his friends smacked him on the back, asking him what he had done wrong. “Alone.”

  “Alright. But can it wait? I’m kinda in the middle of my workout here.”

  “No, it can’t wait. If it could wait, do you really think I would have shown up here?”

  “Fine.” Standing up, Ryan brushed past her. She followed as he headed toward the bathrooms. He found a corner in the hallway, then turned to face her.

  “What’s going on, Caroline?” He spat the question at her.

  “I need to know what you were thinking.”

  “What I was thinking? About what?”

  “What you were thinking yesterday.”

  Caroline watched as recognition flickered across his face. “I see your little friend told you everything.”

  “Ryan, if you were worried about our relationship, why didn’t you just talk to me? Why would you go to Connor?” Caroline tried to keep the anger out of her voice, but she heard it echoing as she finished her question.

  “Wait, you’re mad at me?” Ryan’s face turned red as his own anger surfaced.

  “Why wouldn’t I be? You threatened to punch him out, that the only thing that kept you from doing it was your scholarship. I think I deserve to be mad here.”

  “Caroline, you’re blind if you don’t see that guy has feelings for you. I was just telling him to back off, because you have a boyfriend.”

  Ryan’s words caught her off guard. Trying to refocus, she shook her head. “He’s my partner, we were assigned to work together. There’s nothing else going on, I swear to you.”

  “Yeah, that’s what he told me, too. But I don’t buy it, Caroline.”

  “Well, you should, because it’s the truth. I’ve never lied to you before, so why would I now? You think I’m blind? Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re the one who’s blind. You don’t notice or care about what I’ve been going through. Maybe it’s my fault for not trying to talk to you, but I didn’t want to ruin what you’ve got going, with the scouts and stuff. But I can only take so much baseball. Even tonight, you wanted to finish your workout before talking to me.”

  Ryan clenched his jaw. “I have goals, Caroline. That’s something you used to understand. I’m over here trying to make it to the majors, so I don’t have time to constantly worry about how you are. So, you can’t play softball anymore. You’ve had months to wrap your head around it. It’s time to just get over it.”

  Caroline’s mouth fell open as his words hit her, stinging as much as if she’d been slapped. Tears found her eyes, but she fought them off. “Get over it? How, Ryan? Please tell me how to get over it because I’m dying to. Why don’t you try putting yourself in my shoes for half a second? Listening to your boyfriend go on about his success, going to practice every day and watching girls take your place, watching them win and making you feel like your place on the team never even mattered. Always worrying about what future you could possibly have now that everything you ever worked for is gone? But please, explain to me how to just get over it.”

  Glaring at her, Ryan’s green eyes grew dark and cold. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Caroline.”

  She studied him, looking for any trace of sadness or regret. Searching for any signs of an apology. But there was nothing in his face that she was looking for. There wasn’t anything there that she recognized.

  “I guess I don’t want you to do anything.” A tear slid down her cheek, and she swatted it away with her fingertips. “I think I need a break.”

  “A break.” Ryan repeated her words, his expression unchanging.

  “Yeah. This way you get all the time you need for baseball. You won’t have to constantly worry about me anymore.” She fought off more tears as she threw his own words back at him.

  Ryan scoffed and rolled his eyes as he looked down at the floor. “Yeah, I think a break might be best. If you’re done, I have a workout I need to get back to.”

  Caroline stared after him as he passed her in the hallway, not waiting for her answer. She bit her lip, but her tears broke free. She ducked her head, hiding her eyes from everyone in the crowded gym. She burst through the door, not looking up as she hurried toward her car. Her face was soaked, and the cool air chilled her cheeks as she went. But the freezing pain was easy to ignore.

  Because it was nothing compared to the breaking of her heart.

  Fourteen

  The early afternoon sun shone through Caroline’s window, its beams forming a crisscross of light over her bed. She was lying on her stomach across her comforter, studying the slides of the presentation she and Connor had put together the day before. She was doing her best to focus on the script, trying to remember what she was supposed to say with each slide, but her mind kept wandering.

  Caroline sniffed and dabbed at her eyes for the hundredth time that day. She wasn’t just crying because of breaking up with Ryan. So much had changed in the past few months, and it was all starting to catch up with her.

  She jumped as there was a tap on her door. “Caroline, honey? Can I come in?” Her dad turned the handle, creaking it open a little.

  “Just a second.” Slamming her laptop shut, she hid the PowerPoint and script filled with horses. She still hadn’t told her parents she was taking the weanling class. “Alright, all set.” She sat up and pushed herself to the edge of her bed.

  Doug entered the room, holding a tray with a bowl and a glass on it. “How about some homemade macaroni and cheese and a chocolate milkshake?”

  “Sounds great. But what’s the occasion?”

  Her dad looked down to the carpet. “Well, I thought they might help your broken heart?”

  “Who said I have a broken heart?”

  He cleared his throat and looked at the circle of tissues surrounding her on the bed. Caroline followed his eyes. “Oh. Right.”

  Doug took a few steps and sat down near her, putting the tray between them. “I told your mom how you came home last night, without eating and never coming out of your room. She figured something happened and told me to try this, since she’s at the horse show and can’t.”

  Caroline smiled a little as her dad spoke. “I was wondering how you figured it out on your own.” She reached for the glass and sipped through the straw, savoring the flavor and the coldness as the ice cream slid down her dry throat. “That’s really good, Dad. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He stared down at her blankets. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

  Caroline sighed and pulled her fingers through her bangs. “Ryan and I…we decided to take a break.”

  “What happened?”

  “I guess it’s been building for quite a while. He’s so obsessed with baseball right now, with all these scouts calling him. It’s all he talks about and it’s just hard for me.” Caroline sniffed. “He doesn’t ask how I’m feeling or notice what’s going on with me. And it’s probably my fault more than his for not trying to tell him how I’ve been feeling, but I didn’t want to take away from what he’s got going on. He should be excited, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me.” Caroline paused to take a breath.

  “Did you try telling him how you’re feeling?”

  Caroline nodded. “Yeah. He told me he didn’t have time to constantly worry about how I am because he has goa
ls, and how that was something I used to understand. He also told me I should be over the fact that I can’t play anymore ’cause it’s been months since I got hurt.” She sniffed and worked to hold in the tears that stung her eyes.

  “Seriously? He said all that?” Doug shook his head in disbelief.

  “Yeah, he did.” Caroline bit her lip, debating whether to tell her dad about Ryan’s threat toward Connor, but decided against it. She didn’t want to talk about Connor, or the weanling class.

  “I liked that kid a lot, and he is a good ballplayer, but that’s not how you treat people. Especially someone you’ve been dating for as long as you two have.”

  Caroline nodded as she picked up the fork and speared a few noodles. “We’re just in different places. Everything in the world is going right for him, and he’s never been more certain of his future. He can’t relate to me.” She popped the macaroni into her mouth.

  “But he should still show he cares about you. You’d think he could imagine what it’d be like if it had happened to him.”

  Caroline shrugged and focused on chewing.

  Doug shook his head. “Enough about him. What are you gonna do now?”

  She looked down at her computer. “Well, I have some more studying to do before classes tomorrow.”

  “I don’t mean right now, silly girl.”

  She squinted at her dad and tilted her head sideways. “What do you mean then?”

  “I mean in general.” He looked her in the eyes, a gentle smile on his face. “You’re not playing, you quit as manager, you broke up with Ryan. I’m just wondering if you have a plan.”

  “Um, no. I guess I don’t have a plan. Besides getting through these classes this semester.” Caroline stared down at the fork in her hand, memorizing the pattern etched in the silver.

  “That’s alright. That’s a lot of change for someone to go through in such a short amount of time. You don’t need to have anything figured out yet. But are you handling it all okay? Your mom and I are worried about you.”