by Anne Key
“You want me to let the bad guys in? This is a tin can. Not the strongest doors on earth.” Jesus, I hate when people are pussies. “Who the fuck is it?”
“It’s me! Let me in!”
“Kaylee?”
Okay, that’s weird as hell. I put the shotgun down and wrench the door open. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, except that you’re a sneaky bitch.”
“What?”
“Why are you, like, sneaking around? You got a new Tumblr, you got all these new friends, you tell me you’re busy and you’re in this piece-of-shit trailer with someone else?” Kaylee’s all streaked mascara and wild hair and I don’t get it.
“What are you talking about?”
We’re not going together or anything.
“I’m talking about being at the Junction and your brother’s there and telling me that you got a girlfriend!”
I just stare. Kaylee is supposed to be out with Steve. Not here, screaming at me.
“What? You didn’t think I didn’t know about your new fucking Tumblr? Your texts? You lying cunt!”
All of the sudden Meaghan comes out from the afghan, frowning madly. “Don’t you call her names, bitch! Who the hell is this?”
“Kaylee. My best friend. My psycho best friend, obviously.” I am still trying to wrap my mind around all this. “What are you doing here?”
“You didn’t tell her about us?” Meaghan sounds hurt, but before I can answer her, Kaylee jumps in.
“I’m breaking up with you. That’s what I’m doing!”
“Breaking up? You two are a thing?”
“Yes.”
“No. No way. We are not.” No. I’m her bestie, that’s all.
“Bullshit. You’re a cheating, lying bitch and I hate you!”
“What’s wrong with you? Have you lost your fucking mind? You’re sleeping with Steve, for fuck’s sake!” She’s crazy. Crazy. And I hate how Meaghan’s staring at me, like I’ve done her wrong, like I’ve fucked with her. I haven’t.
I love her.
“Yeah, and you’re still going hard and heavy with Brant, but that’s different!”
“Brant?”
I nod to Meaghan, willing her with all my heart to keep her mouth shut. He’s sort of the innocent victim in this—except he’s not innocent or a victim.
“She’s met Brant?”
I nod. “Brant introduced us.”
“Does he know she’s here tonight?”
Of course he does, but that’s none of her business. “You don’t own me, okay? I’m allowed to have friends over. You’re not my mom.”
“No, your mom’s a worthless, white-trash, skanky whore like you are.”
I hear the sound where I slap her before I know I’ve done it. I did it, though. I hit my best friend.
We all stand there for a second, then Kaylee’s face goes bright red. “I’m going to tell my daddy what you did, and my folks are going to ruin your whole life.”
I stand there, because what am I supposed to say? She deserved it. She deserved worse. But I’m supposed to, like, know better and shit.
“I think you should go, honey.” Meaghan reaches out, touches Kaylee’s arm and Kaylee swats at her.
“Don’t you touch me. Don’t either of you cunts touch me, ever again!”
“I don’t think she’s ever touched you before….” Is that my voice? Is that me, sounding so fucking cold? Because I sort of feel like that. Icy.
Kaylee stares at me a second. “You suck. I hate you. I can’t believe I wasted all that energy and time on a total loser. My folks told me I’d regret hanging out with you, and they were right.”
I don’t know if I wince—I’m trying not to, but my face wants to. Poppy is the only dad I got, or at least that’s what I thought.
We’re all just standing there, and it seems like it’s never going to change—like we’re stuck in some weird-assed time warp or something. Frozen right there for eternity. I don’t think any of us are even breathing or anything.
Then another car pulls up in the driveway and Kaylee spins around.
“Kaylee, wait!” I don’t know what’s happened. Okay, I sort of know, but not really.
“Fuck you, Charlene. You’re, like, dead to me or whatever.”
She goes down the stairs, and I hear her screaming at someone else, so at least it’s not Mom that pulled up, right?
“You okay?” Meaghan asks, and I shake my head because no, no, I’m totally not. “Okay. Right. Uh. Who’s she screaming at?”
“I don’t know.” I don’t know and I can’t move. I’m just standing here, trying to remember how to stay alive. You’d think I know how to breathe and shit after so much practice, but I might just die.
It could happen.
Meaghan goes to the door. “It’s a guy. A big redhead. He’s yelling back.”
“Just shut the door.”
Ben can take care of himself.
Meaghan shuts the door and stands there. “I should probably go home, huh?”
“What?” That’s out of left field.
“You haven’t told anybody about me, Char. Nobody. And they all think you’re with her.”
“Please don’t yell at me.”
I can’t deal with it, not right now.
“I’m not yelling. I just… you don’t want anyone to know?”
“It’s complicated.”
“How? Are you sleeping with her?”
“No!” I mean, yes, but like spending the night. We haven’t even made out or nothing since Steve.
“Then why? Why not tell her?”
“Because she’ll tell everyone and that will fuck things up for people!”
Maybe not even for me, not really. Brant, though? What if his dad puts him in a “pray away the gay” thing? What if his dad hurts him? Throws him out and it’s my fault?
Meaghan stares for a long, long second and I think about just begging her to stay, but I don’t. I’m so fucking confused and tired and hurt and mad. “I’m going home. I’ll call you later.”
“Please don’t.”
But she goes, and all I can hope is that Kaylee doesn’t flip out on her. I can hear more screaming and I just go back to my bedroom and lock the door behind me. The tears come hard and fast and I don’t answer my door when Ben bangs on it.
“Sorry. God, sorry. I didn’t think I couldn’t tell her.”
That’s okay. I didn’t think he’d have to.
I still don’t know if I understand any of this or how it went so very wrong. I just want… I just want to be like everybody else. Just a senior fixin’ to go to college and planning for the prom.
“I… I’ll leave you alone. I just… I’m here, huh? I’ll stay the night in case psychoblondie out there decides to go all Swimfan on you.”
I don’t answer. What am I supposed to say? This was supposed to be this great night and then tomorrow…. Oh, who am I kidding?
I was never going to let her meet Mom. She’s not even going to be home until after two and that’s if she decides not to spend the night with her new guy, Les.
Seriously, who names a guy Les? It’s like Ernie or Dwayne. Just not sexy names. Like at all.
God, what do I do?
I start crying again and it hurts, like physically hurts all over. My head, my chest, my heart.
It’s no fucking fair. I’m trying so fucking hard to do this right. I scream into my pillow, feet kicking at the mattress. I haven’t had a real temper tantrum since I was like five and it feels surprisingly good, so I do it over and over again, screaming out until I don’t have any voice left.
My phone is blowing up, and I don’t look. I can’t. What if it’s Kaylee. What if it’s Meaghan?
What if it’s not?
I turn the damn thing off without looking at it—just plug it into my wall charger and squeeze my eyes shut.
I can’t do this. I just can’t.
Before my brain knows what my body’s doing, I grab
the phone real quick and I send Meaghan a text without checking my notifications.
sorry. Loveu.
Then I turn off my phone just in case she doesn’t text me back.
Chapter 15
I CAN’T sleep. I hear Mom come in around five thirty, Ben leaves around ten and then, at noon, I get up and wash.
I know there are messages waiting for me, so I check and there are, all from Kaylee.
Like fifty of them.
Cunt
gonna fucking make you pay
you cant get away with this
Then they change to:
how could u hurt me so bad??? and thot u was my girl.
Then the mad comes again, the screaming and then boom.
u never cared bout me, gon slit my wrists cuz of u, luv u so much.
That was at eight this morning, four hours ago, and after that, nothing.
Oh God. Oh God. I gotta….
I call her. I have to. She’s my bestie. It goes straight to voice mail. “Kaylee? Kaylee, it’s me. I’m sorry about last night. I’m going to call back, okay? Answer this time.”
Then I try again. “Kaylee? Kaylee, call me back.”
“Kaylee? Honey? Please answer your phone, I’m worried about you. I’m sorry for what I did, okay? You can yell at me all you want, just be okay.”
I call a dozen more times, but she’s got her phone off, I’ll bet. Surely she wouldn’t just ignore me. Why would she do that? Threaten to hurt herself and then stop answering the phone.
I throw on some jeans and a hoodie and jump in my car, begging that it starts today. I have to go see her, make sure she’s okay.
She’s going to be fine, right?
I don’t stop for sausage biscuits or Starbucks or anything, I just take off like a bat out of hell, praying that the rain holds off. The wind is pushing me all over the road, and I can’t see through my tears. I keep checking my phone, hoping she’ll text or call, but nothing.
I get there and her car’s still at her house and it feels so weird to go up and knock, like I’m a stranger. I remember when they moved into this house, how proud her mom was to have it built and brand new. Hell, I spent the night with Kaylee her first night here.
Kaylee hated it, because, at the time, we were both in the same neighborhood and we could just ride our bikes wherever. It was when Mom was married to Amy’s dad and there was a little bit of money for a house. God, I can’t believe this is happening, that I’m standing here. Still, it’s big and fancy and cool, and if someone doesn’t open the goddamn door soon I’m going to scream.
Poppy opens the door, face sad. “Hey, Charley. Kaylee says y’all had a fight.”
I nod, because we did. “I just want to talk to her and tell her I’m sorry.”
“It’s not a good time. She’s not in a good place right now.”
What? “Poppy, I swear, I won’t be mean. I just want to talk to her.”
“Is that her?” Oh God. Mrs. Waterman—and what does it say that I can’t even remember her real name right now? Just Mrs. Waterman like she’s a monster wearing clothes—comes to the door. “Go home. You’re not welcome here.”
“What? Poppy?”
“You’re not his daughter. You’re a violent little piece of trash monkey. I’ve spoken to Kaylee and she says you’re not to come here, not ever again. Leading her astray. I ought to call the police.”
“What?”
Now wait. Wait. I know, like 100 percent all the way to the top know, I haven’t done nothing illegal.
“Go home to your trailer. Kaylee has finally figured you out.”
“I haven’t led anyone anywhere. She came to my house yesterday. She started yelling at me. I had a friend over.”
Kaylee’s mom just starts closing the door on me and I don’t get it. I don’t.
“This is totally not fair. This is between me and Kaylee!”
“Just go, honey. Let things cool off.” Poppy W. looks so sad, so disappointed and I don’t even know what I did wrong.
“Totally not fair.” I storm off and go to get in my car, and Kaylee’s up in her bedroom, standing there, staring.
I look at her, open my hands. I don’t get it. I don’t.
She looks at me, then just flips me off.
What the fuck?
I start up the car before I start crying again and head to the lake. It’s cold and spitting rain and no one will be there.
I get all the way across the bridge before I realize that Meaghan never texted me back.
I manage to make it to the park, turn off the car, and sit, staring at the gray water, the clouds. It isn’t fair. I was just trying to be good, damn it.
Keep everything up in the air.
Man, when it comes crashing down, it comes down in a rush and it hurts.
Bad.
I call Meaghan, and it rings and rings before she picks it up, right before it goes to voice mail. “What, Char?”
“I miss you.” It’s the truth. I don’t want to fight. Hell, I don’t want to fight with her, with Kaylee. With anyone. I want to play softball and have everything just be normal again.
“So? You’ve got your friends. Go hang out.”
I can’t. I tried. Not to hang out, but to see her. “I want to see you.”
“Liar.” The word drops like a turd into a punch bowl. “She Tumblrs everything, your Kaylee. Including that you were just at her house and she threw you out.”
“That’s not true!” I mean, part of it’s true, but…. What the fuck is going on? How did I become the bad guy? “I mean, I went over to see her, and she said she was going to hurt herself. I’m her best friend—what if she had?”
“What if I had? You’ve never even been to my house, Char. You don’t even know how to find me.”
“My car won’t make it that far! You know that!” God, everyone is being mean to me, and I totally don’t get it.
“You’ve got to figure shit out, Charley. I’m not your backdoor whore.” Is she crying? Is that good or bad?
“I never treated you like that!” I know I didn’t. I love her.
“You won’t introduce me to your mom, your friends. Everybody thinks you’re dating that guy. You got a new Tumblr to talk to me. You’re ashamed of me. That’s not kosher.”
“I’m not ashamed. I’m not. I was going to introduce you to my mom today, dammit.” Except I wasn’t, was I? I’m too scared, especially now.
What if I’m wrong about her? What if she hates me?
“I think we need to take a few weeks off, Char. I’m not saying I hate you or nothing, just that I can’t do this shit right now. You’ve got your whole life that doesn’t have anything to do with me, you know? This whole Greenville thing. I’m… I can’t compete with that. I can’t compete with ten years with Kaylee and some boyfriend….”
“He’s not my boyfriend! You know Brant, he comes to the club with me. He drives. You know that. Don’t you get it? He’s counting on me to pretend!”
“Yeah, but is that real or just some excuse?”
“What do you mean? An excuse for what?” Of course it’s real.
“To be able to tell everyone you’re normal. It’s what you want, isn’t it? To be just another girl.”
Yeah, but I can’t. I’m not just another girl. I’m me.
“Brant is the one who knew what I was, that I liked girls. I owe him.”
“Kaylee sure seemed to know. Are you two a thing?”
“I’ve already answered that. We’re best friends, that’s all. I’m not with her like that.”
She’s not with me like that.
“But would you be?”
“Why would I have gone to all the trouble to be with you if I would? She’s right here, not in Plano. We see each other every day.”
“I know. I…. Am I, Char? Trouble? I mean, I come to you.”
“No!” God, I’m fucking this up. “That’s not what I meant at all. Not at all. Please. Can I see you? Talk to you in person?” I just kno
w, if I can hug her, touch her, I can make her understand. If she looks into my eyes like she did last night, she’ll get it.
“I need some time off. I’m not saying we’re breaking up, but I need a week, okay? Just don’t call, don’t text. I’ll call you on Friday.”
“My birthday’s Friday.”
“I know. I’ll call, okay? I promise. I’m not a bitch or anything, I just… I need to talk to my family and just hang out with friends a little.”
It occurs to me that I’ve never met her friends, her folks. I mean, I know them from Tumblr now, but that’s it. “You’ve never talked to me about your friends.”
“I didn’t think I had to. You’ve met them all online. That’s the difference. You made a whole new person to come and see my world. I didn’t want a whole new person. I just wanted you.” Her voice is so serious, so weird, and it hurts my heart to hear her sound that way.
Like I’ve made her feel less.
“I love you, Meaghan. I do.”
“I love you too, Char, but I don’t know if that’s cool or not. Bye.”
She hangs up and I sit there, tears running down my face, and I wish I smoked or something because it would feel so right, to be puffing away, flinging ashes. I don’t, though, and I don’t have the fake ID to buy smokes, so I cry until my face is hot and my head is pounding. The rain’s really coming down too, so I roll my window down a little, let the cold drops sting me.
It should surprise no one at all that, when I finally calm down enough to drive myself home, my fucking asshole car won’t even try to start and I end up calling Ben to come tow me in.
At least he came bearing a pumpkin spice latte and an entire box of doughnuts.
Chapter 16
BY THE time I get out of school Monday and into rehab, I’m throwing up.
Kaylee has said things about me on Tumblr that are just… awful. Like vicious. Like she outed my new Tumblr, she told the whole school I was a lesbo, that I’m a cheat and a liar, that she caught me with Meaghan.
Everything.
No one spoke to me, not all day. I got one text from Brant.
Sux sorry. dont txt back
I mean, I get it. I do.
He’s got a lot to lose, but… I just lost all the things.