by Anne Key
“Hey, Charl—Whoa, come in and sit down. What happened?” Erin brings me all the way to the back, in the little closet she calls her office. She hands me a bottle of water, sits, and goes, “Talk.”
“Been the worst weekend ever and today….” I start crying, because I don’t know what else to do. “I messed up so bad, Erin, and I don’t know how to fix any of it and everybody knows. Everybody.”
“Yeah, yay social media.” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Start at the beginning.”
“You won’t get in trouble?”
“Hey, this is part of my job, right? Like making sure you don’t fall over and die before you get back to playing ball?”
“Right. Okay.” I swallow hard, then just start. “I met this guy….”
“All bad stories start that way.”
“Yeah, yeah, but mine is different.” I try to stop crying. “So I met this guy and we started dating because he likes guys and I like girls and we figured it’d be safe.”
“A beard.” Erin nods. “Okay, and what, you fell in love with him?”
“God, that would be so much easier than the truth.” I tell her about Brant and Meaghan and Kaylee and Steve and Mom and Ben and all the drama, the tears coming faster and harder as I got to Saturday and yesterday and then today.
“God, what a bitch.” Erin slaps her hand over her mouth. “Sorry, working on it. I mean, that’s totally not cool for Kaylee to do that. What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. No one talked to me, all day. Brant’s pissed at me, Shaundra won’t even look at me, and worst of all, Meaghan… It’s over. How do I fix it?”
“I… I don’t know either, honey. I’m sorry. You can’t fix other people, huh? Only yourself.”
“But I didn’t do anything wrong to change!” I’m, like, a victim or something. A friggin’ victim, damn it.
I tried to apologize to Kaylee for making her mad, Meaghan too. And they’re both still pissed and I still don’t know what I’d do different.
“Oh, Charley. It’s so complicated, trying to decide whether to come out or stay in the closet, figuring out who your friends are. I’m not sure that gets any easier with time.”
“I’m so scared. I’m so scared, and I don’t know what to do. At all.”
“First of all, I think you have to calm down. You’re going to make yourself sick, and no one can make decisions all wigged out.”
I sniff, and she hands me a tissue for my nose. “You sound like my mom.”
“I bet I’d like your mom.”
“She’s old. She doesn’t get me. I mean, she’s not evil or anything, but she’s not with it.”
“No? Me either. I’m like the least pop culture-y hip person alive.”
I don’t believe it. Erin is out and proud and neat. She’s got a real job. She went to college and her girlfriend is a graduate student. She’s like a rock star.
“I don’t think it’s cool, though, this whole online meanness bullying thing. That’s a real thing and you should tell somebody.”
“Who am I going to tell?” Who’s going to believe that she’s doing something to me? People love her. I’m just… I’m nobody.
“I don’t know. I’ll talk to Kathy and ask her. She’s an education major. She’ll know and then tomorrow I’ll have an answer.”
“Can you do that?”
“Do what? Ask?” Erin snorts. “She’s my lady. I can ask her anything.”
I start crying again. I want that. I want someone I can believe will answer me when I call her.
“Oh, Charley. Honey. I know it feels all overwhelming, but it won’t last forever. I swear.”
Grown-ups always say shit like that. Always.
It gets better, they say.
Yeah? When? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it’s going to right now.
Right now it feels like hell.
Chapter 17
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Charlene Desiree.”
I smile at Mom because, well, I have to. I played sick for Tuesday and Wednesday and forged Mom’s signature on the note to the office on Thursday, which was hell on earth, with the whispering and pointing. Today, though, Mom is going to let me skip.
It’s my birthday and she has to work tonight, after all.
“Happy momday, you old broad.” I reach out and hug her, squeeze her tight. God, I wish… I wish everything was better.
All better.
“You want to sleep in, baby girl, or do you want to go do breakfast?”
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Sure. You want to go to Glenda’s? Sweeties?”
“Glenda’s.” I know it’s like this tiny little place where all the cowboys go to drink coffee and bitch about the government, but no one from school will be there. No way.
“Good deal. Get your clothes on and we’ll head out. We can feed your sister before we drop her off.”
“Yeah? Cool.”
“Benny says he’ll pick her up and take her to Chili’s to eat supper, so we don’t have to be back in town until late.”
I shoot Mom a look, tug on my jeans. “Late? You’re not working tonight?”
“Nope. Julie took my shift for me. You got me, all day.”
Oh.
Oh, that’s….
I start to tear up, so fucking tired and worried that I can’t bear it. “That’s so cool.”
“Well, you wouldn’t let me throw you a party, so this seemed to be the next best thing.”
The sickest part is that, if I had a party, Mom would’ve worked part of it. For reals.
“This is better than a party. No one would have come anyway.”
Mom opens her mouth to start asking questions when Amy pops her head in. “Mommy? Can you French braid my hair?”
“I’ll be out in a second.”
I get my favorite jeans on, a long sleeved T-shirt and my black hoodie. Sort of suits my mood.
I grab my phone—I deleted both Tumblr accounts because of the meanness, but I still check everyone. Kaylee went to Rockwall shopping yesterday with all her friends. She looks great, like she doesn’t care about anything. Meaghan hasn’t posted anything since a quote pic Monday. Brant even changed his Facebook relationship back to “single,” which shouldn’t hurt, but it does a little.
I have one text message—Shaundra—and I almost don’t read it because it’s my birthday and I shouldn’t have to, but I do, because it’s a message and no one’s talked to me in days.
Happy birthday dorkface. U want 2 come c me 2morrow after work? I got u a pressie. Miss your face. Fuck Kaylee.
I actually laugh, like a real laugh. The enemy of your enemy is back to being your friend, I guess. Works for me.
off at 10. 2 late? w/mom 2day. Gotta get out of here.
nope. Got your math and English hwork. yay.
thanks @.@
cu2morrow
Oh. Okay. Okay, that isn’t bad.
I was expecting worse, like whoa.
I can’t help but noticing there isn’t a thing from Meaghan. Not a happy birthday. Not a fuck off. Nothing.
I’ve been so fucking good about not texting, not calling. Giving her space, she called it.
She promised to call today.
Promised.
The restaurant is packed, just like always, with crusty old dudes and a handful of people that are heading to work at the courthouse. Overalls, cowboy hats, and cheesy suits sitting among the Coke decorations. I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. It feels like both, which I don’t get, but okay.
Still, the grits are good, and Amy can have a sausage, egg, and cheese burrito, and Mom gets her coffee, so no one dies.
We drop Amy off at the middle school, and Mom shakes her head and heads down I-30. I don’t know where we’re going and I don’t care enough to ask. Anywhere but here, right? Right. “Soon she’ll be in high school and then what will I do?”
“Well, it’s too late to have another one. You can always make Ben go back
and actually learn something.”
“Ben’s like me. He’ll be working something where he has to deal with people his whole life. He likes it. They want to send him to management training at the Chili’s, did you know?”
“I haven’t talked to him since Saturday and he didn’t say nothing.”
“Anything.”
“Whatever.”
“You are still intending to go to UT, right?” she asks and I snort.
“Yeah. Erin says my shoulder is great. Practice starts with Coach as soon as Christmas break is done.”
“Then you have to learn how to talk like you’re educated.”
I don’t argue because it won’t matter. We all know I’m going to play ball. I mean, my SATs were okay, fair. I got the 1000 I needed. It only took me two tries. The reason they want me, though, is my pitching arm.
I know it. Mom knows it. UT knows it. I’m the only one brave enough to just believe it.
“So… I got to ask you, Charley. Did something happen between you and Kaylee?”
Did something happen?
Christ.
“We had a fight. It got big and we’re not friends.” Such a simple sentence for something so big.
“Oh. That sucks.”
“Yeah.” It does. I mean, it really does and I miss her, but… It is what it is.
“I thought we’d go down to Town East, goof around, then maybe see a movie.”
“Sure, Mom. Sounds like a blast.”
“Is there anything I can do?” she asks.
“About what?”
She lights a cigarette, cracks a window. “You know I don’t like her parents. I don’t like how they act like we’re trashy, like we’re gross, but I know she’s your best friend and that you have to miss her.”
“Momma, don’t, okay? They don’t want me over there. Her mom hates me. Poppy isn’t going to fight with them, and Kaylee…. She did some awful things. Said some awful things. She even fought with Ben.” Just drop it, Mom, please.
“Still, I wish y’all were okay. I know you miss her.”
“Yeah.” Like more than anything, but what am I supposed to do? That’s gone from weird to shitty to ugly and I don’t think Kaylee knows how to stop it.
I know I don’t know how.
“Okay. Okay, I’ll drop it. I gotta admit, baby. I hate seeing you unhappy, especially on your birthday.”
“I know, Momma. I just… shit happens and I don’t know what to do next.”
She blows out a long stream of smoke, slow and easy. “I wish I could tell you that was going to get easier, but it isn’t. Shit keeps happening and you still won’t know what to do next. It’s life.”
“You sound like Erin.”
“Erin?”
“My physical therapist?” Not that Mom’s ever met her.
“Oh, right. What’s she like? I mean, obviously she’s brilliant because we say the same things….”
“Shut up. She’s cool. Like for real.” I want to be like her someday.
“Good deal. Your arm’s healing up, then?”
“I’m going to start pitching after school two days, do therapy three. By January, she says I’ll be golden.”
“That’s my girl. I can’t wait to go to Austin and see you play.”
“Yeah? You’ll come?”
She snorts. “Don’t be a dork. I won’t be able to afford to come often, but I’ll see you play. Hell, you’ll be in the pros before you know it.”
“I hope so. I mean, I want to play at the college level first, but yeah.”
It’s so weird, to sit and talk with Mom like… like we’re almost sorta friends. Like she’s listening to me and not talking at me.
“Are you scared?”
“About what?” Hell, yes. About everything. Everything from midterms to graduation to the season starting to moving to Austin and living in a dorm and taking classes that are meant for smart people to trying to get a job in this huge city where everybody’s hipper than me.
“College.”
I shrug, because I can’t scare her, and if I start crying, I might not ever stop. Like ever. “Nervous, yeah. I mean, I know we get orientation and parent’s day and stuff, but… I don’t know. It’ll all be new.”
“Yep. Have I told you how proud I am of you yet?”
“For what? Playing softball?” That’s really all I do.
“For being brave. For going to college. For being you. For playing softball. For being a good sister. You’re great, Charley, and I love you.” She’s crying now, tears leaking out, and I can’t start crying, damn it.
“Stop it, you big dork.” I poke her in the arm. “You’ll leak all over your cigarette and it’ll smoke us out.”
“Evil child.” She laughs, though, wipes her eyes. “We were having a moment.”
“Uh-huh. Is that what old people call being a giant derp?”
“Absolutely. I’m ancient and getting older every day.” She pulls off onto the mixmaster and we head to Mesquite, to Town East.
“Love you, Mom.”
“That’s incredibly convenient, because I adore you.”
My phone beeps and I check it, trying not to bounce when I see a text from Meaghan.
Happy bday.
thanx. Hows u?
between classes
skipping w mom
bad grrl
The tease makes me smile, gives me a little touch of hope.
miss u
She doesn’t answer and I look at the clock and her class must’ve started.
“Somebody important?”
Okay, Charley. Here’s your chance. Tell her. Just tell her everything.
“Friend of mine from Plano. We play ball together and stuff.”
“Oh? She’s happy birthday-ing you? That’s sweet.”
“Uh-huh. It’s cool.” And I suck.
CAN I call u
It’s late, but I want to talk to Meaghan, hear her voice. The day’s been great, but… I want to talk to her.
It takes forever—like fifteen minutes—before she answers me.
4 a sec
I dial, and it doesn’t even ring before she answers. “Hey.”
“I miss you. I’m so sorry.” I’m going to cry. Maybe I’m crying already.
“Don’t, okay? It’s like your birthday and stuff. Did you have fun?”
“I hung out with my mom. We went shopping, had lunch at the mall, saw a movie, then went to a real late supper at Chili’s with everybody. Ben gets a 50 percent discount.”
“That’s cool.”
God, this sucks. The coolest part about hanging with Meaghan is that it is so totally easy to talk with her and I’ve lost that. It’s not fair.
“I guess. I got a sizzling apple pie on a skillet.”
“You’re obsessed with El Chico’s.”
“It’s a thing, I guess.”
“What are you up to tomorrow?” she asks and I almost tell her nothing, but Shaundra’s been good to me, dammit, like she’s not being evil at all.
“I’ve got to work in the morning and then I’m going to hang with Shaundra.”
“Yeah? Is she cool?”
“I think so. Yeah, she’s cool. Well, except that she has all my homework.” That sucks.
“From today?”
“I didn’t… It’s been a hard week. I’ve been home sick.” Sick. Scared. Sad. Pick an S word.
“Oh, Char….”
“I’ll be okay.”
“I can come over Sunday, help you work on it.”
The offer is so careful and my heart stops. I mean, stops dead in my chest. “Yeah? I could totally use the help.”
“Your house?”
“So long as you don’t mind my whole family being here. Everyone’s home on Sundays.”
“Do you mind?”
“Huh?” I know what she means, I do, but… I don’t know. I just ask.
“Do you mind if I show up with your whole family there?”
“No. I more mind t
rying to do my homework with the whole world here, but we can start here and move to…. Somewhere.”
“Somewhere?”
“I can’t go to the Starbucks anymore. Everyone stares at me and whispers. It’s too weird.”
“Do they? We should totally go to the Starbucks, then. Together.” The life is back in her voice, suddenly. “Have I mentioned that your best friend is sort of an asshole?”
“Yeah. You and Mom both.”
“I think I’m gonna like your mom, Charley.”
“Yeah? I… I think she’s going to like you too.”
“Are you going to come out to her?”
I want to just say yes, but I don’t know. I don’t know how, so that’s what I say. “I don’t know what I’ll do if she gets mad. I don’t know if my heart can deal with that right now, you know? I mean, everything sucks at school. I can’t have it suck at home.”
She’s quiet for a second, then she takes a deep breath. “That makes sense. I mean, I still want to meet her.”
“And I want to meet your people.”
“Yeah? For real?”
“Well, sure. I totally do. Swear to God.” Hadn’t I asked before? Maybe not. I don’t know. Everything’s so big and fast and new. Everything.
I don’t understand how people grow up and keep from exploding.
I mean, obviously it happens. Ben’s still in one piece and he’s a giant dork.
“Coolios. I want you to. Can you spend the night next Friday?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can. I’ll even see if I can get Saturday morning off so I don’t have to be back here at the crack of dawn.”
“Yeah? That rocks, Char.”
“So… are we okay?” I know that by asking there’s a chance I won’t get the answer I want, but… I have to ask. I need to know.
“Yeah, I… I’m sorry. I just…. That sucked and I needed to put my head on right. It’s not fair, to ask you to be all out and proud. Your life is different than mine, huh?”
“A little. I mean, I just don’t know how to do it yet.”
“Yeah. My mom says that has to be your decision and it’s not about me. She says that to me a lot. Everything’s not about you, Meaghan Josephine. I just… I needed to think. I like you, though. I mean, for real. And I’m willing to work.”
All of the sudden I start crying, like hard, deep sobs that tear from me, hurting deep inside.