by Anne Key
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know.” Of course I am. She needs help and I need to know what’s going on, right?
Right.
“Liar. You’re totally going to see her.”
“Shut up.”
Ben rolls his eyes. “You’re just like Mom. Always forgiving assholes.”
“I’m not forgiving her yet.”
“Yet.” He heads off in a huff. Ass.
“Are we still going?”
“Of course!” I’m not that big of an asshole and, even if I was, I sorta want Kaylee to have to wait on me. To be the one calling the shots and saying no and shit.
“Cool. Cool. I love the lights. My favorite ones are the fancy strings that are all one color. Blue especially.”
“Yeah?” Not me. “I like the rainbow lights, the more the merrier.”
“Well, you’re not very classy….”
“Shut up.” Little pain in the ass. Although I’m laughing, right? Laughing and eating and not wondering what the hell Kaylee wants.
I don’t even pick my phone up again until Amy goes to the bathroom.
Then I text Meaghan.
OMFG Kaylee texted me
y??? what does she want?
dunno. w/Amy seeing xmas lites. Will call her l8r
wish I was there. Stupid thing here is BORING
Yeah, I bet it is. Banquet deals always are.
me2
gotta run. Mom is bitching. Call me after?
swear
God, yes. I’ll call her as soon as I can. As soon as I figure all this out. Maybe before.
One way or the other, I’ll call.
WE DRIVE around to all the lights, and the car only overheats twice, so yay. By the time we get home, Amy is grinning and bouncing and on her phone, talking to her friends, making plans.
“You think Mom will care if I go over to Misty’s?”
“That the girl here? The one in the triple-wide?” Her mom’s like the queen of the trailer park. Mom drinks wine coolers with her all the time.
“Uh-huh.”
“Text her. I bet it’s totally cool.”
We go inside, and I turn on the Christmas tree and the TV, pour myself a Coke, and settle.
“She says I can go. Do you want me to stay?”
“Nah. I’m going to sit here like a lump and then be on the phone with Meaghan as soon as she’s home.”
“Are you going to call Kaylee?”
“Dunno. I’ll probably just text. It’s quieter.”
Amy laughs, grabs her coat and her stuff. “I’ll be home Sunday. We’re going to the mall tomorrow and then her dad’s going to drive us through that big light show. You know the one?”
“Yeah. Yeah, Meaghan and I are gonna go too. Not tomorrow.”
“Love you. Bye!” She slams the door, and I’m left there, staring at my phone like an idiot.
Wow.
Okay.
I grab my phone and dial Kaylee’s number. She won’t answer.
She won’t.
This is all a trick or a hoax or a bad joke or something, right?
“Charley? Charley, can I come over? Please?”
Huh. She answered.
“What do you want?”
“Please?”
What am I supposed to say? I mean, really. “Sure. I’m at home. Come on.”
It feels sort of good to just hang up on her, like I’m totally cool with this whole thing.
That’s me. Totally cool.
I get up to, I don’t know, brush my hair, something, when there’s a knock. I go to the door. “You forget your key, Amy?”
“No. I was just driving around, waiting for you to come home.”
Kaylee.
“Oh.”
She looks tired, all dark circles under her eyes like she’s been crying. Is it because she misses me? Why would she wait so long to call then? It’s been weeks. Weeks.
Like even past my birthday and stuff.
“Are you going to say ‘come in’ or are we just going to stand out here in the cold?”
“I just. I’m surprised you’re here is all.”
Like whoa.
“Yeah, me too, sorta, but I miss you, Charley. I fucked up, big time. You always said, no matter what, we’d be together, right?”
“Yeah.” I had. Of course, that was before Kaylee was like a giant bitch, but still. Yeah. I have said it. “Come on in. Do you want a Coke?”
“No, I’m good. I like your tree.”
It’s the same tree Mom puts up every year. It’s just got lights on it because we’ll decorate it on Mom’s next day off.
“Thanks. I bet your mom’s got everything perfect.”
“As always. She’s a fucking psycho.”
Huh. Wow. Okay. I sit down, push my back into the corner of the couch. I mean, I’m not scared she’s going to hit me or something, but it still feels better, to be defended in the back and my legs pushed out at the front. It works for me. She takes the next cushion over, the one in the middle—not close enough to crowd, but close enough to touch.
“How’s Poppy W?”
“Fine. Just the same. I’m sorry, Charley. I mean, for reals, I didn’t mean to….” She won’t look at me and she’s wringing her hands.
Didn’t mean to? Bullshit. “The shit with Tumblr wasn’t an accident. You told everybody I was into girls. You told everybody about Meaghan. The keyboard didn’t fall and post that.”
Maybe she’s sorry, but she totally meant to fuck with my life.
“Are you still with her?”
“What does it matter?” Of course I am. She stands by me.
“It doesn’t. I was just asking. Did… did you hear Brant ran away? Steve called me this morning. All his clothes were packed and his savings account was empty.”
“No. I haven’t talked to him.” Whoa. Go Brant. I knew he wanted to get the hell out. Maybe he was going to get to San Francisco. That would be so cool. There’s an ocean there, right? All the gay guys?
“Yeah. He just… poof. His parents called the cops and everything, but nobody’s going to actually do anything, you know? It’s all paperwork.”
“Wow.” I’m going to have to call him. Later. “That sucks. I haven’t talked to him since Halloween.”
Because of you.
Because you’re a bitch.
Things hadn’t been perfect, but I’d been happy. I’d had good friends.
Normal shit.
“Yeah. I’m… I’m sorry, Charley. I swear. I was so mad and I….”
“Why? We weren’t… I mean, we weren’t going together.” And Kaylee had… I mean, school had been hell.
“I know. I just thought… I mean, I didn’t know you were really… I mean, are you?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Are you really queer? I mean, like really-really?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am, like really.”
Kaylee looks at me, not ugly or anything, just staring.
“So, you… I mean, you’ve seen me naked.”
“Yeah. You’ve seen me. I never did nothing to you. Not nothing.”
“So, do you want to?”
“Want to what?” God, she’s confusing the hell out of me, and I don’t get it. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to figure things out.
It’s not fair.
“Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
I have to admit that I pull back, because I know better. I know she’s not into me like that. I’d always wondered and then I found Meaghan and I knew.
I know what it feels like to be in love, but more importantly, I get what it’s like to have somebody look at me like she loves me.
This isn’t that.
“I have a girlfriend.”
“I know, but—”
“No. No, there’s no buts. I’m not a cheater. Not even a little, so don’t be a bitch. You aren’t into me, and we both know it. What about Steve?”
“I… I
don’t know. We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.” Kaylee looks so tired, and I don’t know whether to hug her or what. “He’s changed, you know? Like totally. He’s just sort of… cut me out.”
I feel a twist of something in my belly, something vicious and mean. “You mean like you did me?”
Kaylee seems to shrink a little, her fingers twisting in the bottom of her loose sweater, tugging it all out of shape. “Yeah, I guess. I…. God, I’m so stupid. I thought—I thought it would all blow over, but it didn’t. It got bigger and bigger. I thought it was going to be like when we were kids and had a fight.”
“Yeah, but you brought all these other people into it!”
“I know. I was so stupid, so mean. I need you to understand. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just wanted to you pay attention to me.”
“Do you know how utterly fucked up that is?”
“Yeah. I mean, I didn’t, but I do now.” Tears start falling, hard and ugly. I never thought she was an ugly crier, but she is. Her face is all splotchy and the tears drip off her nose.
“Kaylee, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’ve been weird for… forever!” At least since homecoming.
“I’m pregnant. Like for reals, and I don’t know what to do.”
NO.
No way.
No fucking way.
Pregnant? Like as in having a baby?
I don’t know what to say. I mean, at all. I feel a little like I’ve been whacked in the head by a hammer, so I stare at her like an idiot.
Pregnant.
Christ.
“Are you sure?”
She nods, but she won’t look at me. “I’m four months late. I took three kinds of pregnancy tests. They all said the same thing.”
Wow.
Am I supposed to apologize? Would that make it worse?
“What are you going to do?”
The tears start again. “I don’t know. I told Steve and he broke up with me. Says it’s not his, but he’s the only one. I mean, I’ve never, not with anyone else. He says there’s no way it’s his and if I tell anyone it is, he’ll say I’m a liar, a slut.”
God, how Glee is this?
“What an asshole.” That’s what I’m supposed to say, right?
“I don’t know what to do, Charley.”
Like I do.
I sort of want to ask if her folks know, but I know they can’t. Poppy rants and raves all the time about the shows on pregnant teenagers and teenaged mothers, says they make this huge mistake seem normal.
“Me either.”
I don’t know dick about this.
We sit there together and I want her to leave so I can talk to Meaghan, get a baseline on what the thing to say is, but she sits there, and I sit there, and we sit there and nobody says nothing.
Creepy.
Finally she reaches out and takes my hand, squeezes it tight, and holds on. “I’m so scared, Charley. Everybody’s going to hate me, think I’m a slut.”
“Are you going to keep it?”
“I don’t know…. Do you go to Dallas for abortions? Do people take pictures of you? If they do and my mom saw….”
Yeah, her mom’s like running for office or something.
“We could… I don’t know. My mom will, though. She knows stuff.”
Kaylee grips harder. “You can’t tell her!”
“Why not?” Someone has to help us.
“Because! You can’t tell anyone. I need you, Charley. You’re my best friend; you promised to have my back, no matter what.”
“Like you had mine?”
“I was… I was already pregnant then. I knew… I’d taken a test that night and I was just crazy.”
“All you had to do was say so!”
“You were all having sex with your new girlfriend!”
“I was not!” We’d only been making out and that was done then. “And you’re not my girlfriend.”
“No. I’m more than that. I’m your best friend and I need you.” She starts crying hard and clinging on to me. “Remember when we were ten and we became blood sisters? You promised that you’d be my friend forever. I fucked up. I know that, and I’m sorry. You have to help me.”
“How?” How on earth can I help?
“I…. Come with me.”
The words just knock me for a loop. “Come where?”
“Anywhere.” She grabs me, holds my hand. “Just anywhere. I’ve got two thousand dollars saved up and my grandma says she can give me another five hundred for graduation. We could last a long time together, just you and me. You could work at any supermarket and I’ll do whatever. We’ll get WIC and a Lone Star Card. The baby will be here in the summer.”
Whoa.
Whoa, wait.
“Where would we go? What about college?”
“We could go to Austin then. You could go to school, still. Please, Charley. Don’t leave me in the lurch.”
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think. I mean….
Shit.
I don’t even have an “I mean.”
“Will you come with me? We could leave right now.”
No.
No, I can’t just leave right now. I have plans. I have Meaghan. I have Mom and Amy and the spring season and….
She keeps looking at me, tears in her eyes, and she’s been my best friend forever and I don’t want to disappoint her.
“Have you had any food? Are you hungry?”
“Always. I’m getting fat.”
She pulls her sweater over her belly, and honestly, I don’t think she looks all that much different, but okay.
“You want a burrito? Peanut butter sandwich? I’ve got Honey Smacks too.”
“Peanut butter sounds great. I have been so careful, not to get caught.”
A mean part of me thinks that maybe she ought to have been so careful not to catch pregnant.
“Are you sure you want to keep it?”
“That’s murder, Charley.”
I don’t know about that. Seems to me like having a mom Kaylee’s age is a harder thing than not being born at all. Hell, my mom was sixteen when she had Ben and she’s been poor her whole life.
Free lunches. Worrying about where the electric bill is coming from. Clothes from Goodwill and food from the food bank and worrying about how to pay the bills when your kids leave.
Oh, hell. What do I know?
Nothing.
That’s what I know about this.
I go to make her a sandwich while I try to think, try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, if anything is wrong with me. Maybe nothing’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just in a shit situation.
Maybe the shit situation isn’t mine.
Is that fair? Kaylee is my best friend, like my best friend ever, and we’re supposed to have each other’s backs forever and always.
Like for reals.
She needs me, but if I go now, I can’t keep my scholarship. I can’t go to college if I don’t graduate. What about Amy? What about Meaghan?
I can’t just leave her and she’s… she doesn’t even like Kaylee. I don’t think she’s going to up and leave and not graduate so we can live with Kaylee. What if Kaylee won’t let her come? Would I even ask her?
What the hell is wrong with me?
I totally don’t want to deal with this, but there’s a pregnant best friend on Mom’s sofa and I sort of have to.
I go to give Kaylee her sandwich and she eats it, still sniffling from time to time, and I can’t decide if it’s sad or irritating.
I watch Housewives and don’t say a word because I still don’t know what to say.
Hey, you totally suck.
Hey, you got knocked up.
Hey, you’re really gonna have a baby?
I’ll have to pick a couple and just try them out, except I won’t. I don’t want to be that girl. I just… I save my bitch self for the diamond and pitch it out.
“So, will you come?” She sounds so small.
&n
bsp; “I have to figure it out. We have a few days, right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess.”
“Cool, because I just need to think.” I need to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do.
“Can I spend the night?”
“Sure.” I don’t see why not. “Nothing’s changed here.”
Except that’s not true, is it? Everything’s changed.
Everything, and I don’t know what to do about it.
WE WATCH tons of bad TV and then we go to bed, except I don’t sleep at all. I mean, not at all. I can’t. I’m exhausted, but my brain keeps working. Meaghan fell asleep around two a.m., or at least that was when she stopped texting.
Kaylee was right there, so I didn’t mention the “situation,” just that she was spending the night.
Meaghan asked if she should be jealous and I just typed, snort.
Jealous, no. Worried, yeah.
I hear Mom come in about five and I slip out of bed, telling myself that I’m just thirsty. Mom’s in the kitchen, one eyebrow in the air. “Kaylee’s here?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” I grab a Coke from the fridge, and she pours herself a cup of coffee. Mom doesn’t say a word, just watches me, and I turn to ask her what she’s looking at, and instead, I burst into tears. “Momma. Momma, I need your help.”
“Let’s go sit in my room, huh?”
She doesn’t give me a chance to argue, just herds me down the hall and into her room, and we sit on the end of her bed.
“Talk.”
I nod, shake my head, nod again.
There’s so much and I don’t know where to start, so I start with Kaylee and the fight. “I don’t want you to say anything mean, okay?”
“You know I can’t promise that, Charley.”
“Just try. At least ’til I’m all done.” I wait until she nods, and then I start. “You know how me and Kaylee haven’t talked? Well, she said some nasty things about me.”
“Like what?”
“Well, the problem is that part of it was true and some of it wasn’t.”
Mom snorts. “Oh, baby, there’s always a grain of truth in a lie. That’s what makes them grow.”
“Well, you know my friend, Meaghan?” I almost stop, but I’m so tired of pretending to be somebody I’m not, somebody different, so I just keep going, keep running my mouth and praying that I can do this. “I… I don’t know how to tell you this, but she’s sort of like really my girlfriend. Not like Kaylee is, but like a real girlfriend-girlfriend.”