by Anne Key
I get the table in the corner. There’s a plug for my phone, and no one can come up behind me, which okay, it’s like totally Criminal Minds and stuff, but it makes me feel better.
My phone buzzes. Brant.
hey
I look over at him, but he’s not looking at me.
what the fuck do you want, asshole?
uok
fine
k
I pull out my homework. If I get it done, Meaghan and I will be able to just fuck off the rest of the day, right? Go have a real meal, maybe head to the movies.
I can’t decide if I’m relieved that Kaylee’s not here or disappointed. I don’t want to fight with her, but I sort of do. I sort of want to get all up in her face and scream.
Tell her she’s supposed to be my best friend and not to be a cunt-faced bitch. Man, what would she do if I said that? If I just screamed at her like I want to?
My heart starts racing and I make myself calm down. She’s not here. She’s not here and if she was, I wouldn’t do it.
Meaghan might, but I couldn’t.
“Pumpkin spice for you. Gingerbread for me. I got two muffins.” Meaghan sits, looks over at Brant. “Man, I should give him a piece of my mind.”
“Don’t. It’s like you said. It’s his choice to be whatever. Not ours.”
“Yeah, I know. I won’t. I just want to.”
“Thanks for the goodies.”
She grins. “You’re welcome. So, tell the truth, do you hope your ex shows up?”
“She’s not my ex. She was my best friend.”
“Okay, fine.” God, she can roll her eyes. “Do you hope your ex-bestie shows up?”
“Sort of, but not really. I don’t like yelling and she’s… she can, you know. Still, I sort of want her to know that, like, we’re cool, you and me, not me and her.”
I’m not sure if it’s cool, to just say stuff like that, but Meaghan nods. “I get that. It’s like, if it was a perfect world and you could be all cool and classy and shit, you totally would want it to happen, but you know that you’re a person and you wouldn’t be all smooth.”
Yes. Yes, exactly.
“You totally get me.”
“I try. It’s like, my job and shit.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I hear you.”
I hope I get her too. Or at least that she feels like I get her.
“Char, stop it. You totally get me. Hell, you let me go all radio-silence and didn’t bitch at me once. That’s a totally cool girlfriend thing.”
“Is it?” I thought it was more like a “don’t be a psycho stalker” thing.
“Totally. Now. Homework. I have to be home for supper tonight. My granny’s coming over for her seventieth birthday. Mom’s making enchiladas.”
“Oh, yum.” I love Mexican food. Love it!
“Yeah, I’d ask you to come, but Mom made a ‘no one but family’ rule.”
“That’s cool. I think I’ll see if my mom and Amy want to go to Molina’s for supper.”
“Aww… see? Sweet. You’re a doll.”
“I just really want enchiladas.” And my mom rocks.
We get to working on the homework. People come in, people go out—even kids from school—but nobody says anything. Sure, there are some stares, but that’s it. So I settle in, head down.
“Charley?” I look up at the sound of my name and Jeri grins, smile nervous. “Can I sit down? There’s no more chairs.”
“Sure.” Jeri never says boo to anybody, so I’m not worried. “This is Meaghan.”
“Hey. Nice to meet you. Are you feeling better, Charley?”
“Yeah. It was a shitty week and then it was my birthday.”
She nods, her ponytail bobbing, clothes two sizes too big. She just keeps shrinking as she gets taller. “I got you a present. It’s in my locker. I… I’m sorry about all the stuff on Tumblr and all. That was mean.”
“It’s not like you and Shaundra haven’t pointed out the bitchiness before.”
“Yeah, but we didn’t think she’d do it to you.”
Meaghan’s watching this whole thing with wide eyes, just staring. “She won’t get the chance to do it again. It’s bullshit. It’s bullying and it’s bitchy and it’s totally not fair.”
Jeri looks away. She’s like the kicked-puppy type.
“She’s not mad at you, Jeri.”
“Why would I be mad at you? I don’t even know you.”
Jeri shrugs. “Do you know Kaylee? ’Cause you’re mad at her.”
“We’ve met, yeah.”
“Oh. Still, I just wanted to say it sucks and please come back to school, huh? Don’t let her run you off. She’s not God. She’s just a mean chick with pom-poms.”
We all are quiet for a second, and then we all start giggling.
“God, I’m totally putting that on a T-shirt, Jo… I’m sorry, you’re a Joanie?” Meaghan is shitty with names. Just awful.
“Jeri. I was named after my aunt that died when she was a kid.”
“Oh. Ew.” Meaghan wrinkles her nose and Jeri nods.
“I know, right? How creepy is that? Mom is all, ‘it’s an honor,’ and I’m going, for who? She died of cancer when she was three and was, like, vicious sick the whole time she was alive. It’s nasty.”
“You should change your name.” I would, except Charley’s sort of almost cool. Anyway, if I did, I’d change it to Desiree, my middle name.
“Yeah, but to what? Susan? Vicki? None of them sound like me.”
“If I changed my name, I’d change it to Christina and spell it like X-t-e-e-n-a,” Meaghan said.
“Really? How cool is that spelling?” God, is it crazy to really just love the stuff she says? My mom would laugh and say it’s just hormones, but I don’t think so. I think this is way bigger than weird chemical sex juice in your cells.
“What about you, Charley? Would you change yours?” Jeri asks.
“I doubt it. Charley’s a good name. If I did, I’d just use my middle name. Desiree’s okay too. I hate when my mom calls me Charlene, though. Ack. So… I don’t know. Just ew.”
“Right, but at least you can shorten it. Mine’s what? Jer? Ri? Ari?”
“God, I hear you!” Suddenly Meaghan’s talking to Jeri and we’re all laughing and it doesn’t matter that Kaylee’s not here, that Brant is sitting back there on his own.
It’s not cool or anything, but it doesn’t suck.
It just is what it is and I’m into that.
Chapter 20
I DON’T know how it happens. How we go from my birthday to Thanksgiving and suddenly we’re out for Christmas. Ta-da.
Jeri and Shaundra are talking to me again at school, but I never even see Kaylee or Brant. It’s weird how easy it is to cut someone out of your life, even in a small town. It’s like, boom, no one sees you.
It’s better than the nastiness, but Erin helped me there. She went right to the principal—like an avenging angel, apparently, and lost her job over it too—and told them she’d contact the ACLU herself.
She’s moving to New Mexico, she says. Lots of work for teachers and therapists there, and she’s going to get married. Like for real.
Too good.
Still, part of me misses Kaylee. Hell, more than a part. She’s still my oldest friend, even if she’s not my best. Every so often I reach for my phone, wanting to tell her a joke, tell her about my day.
I don’t, though. I text Meaghan instead.
I mean, it’s not like I’m not busy or anything. I’m not lounging around the world all hand-staple-forehead. I have midterms and working out with the team and lots of dates with Meaghan. We go all over the place—we go camping, even, and damn near freeze our butts off. The holidays suck at work. Every second is busy—turkeys and cookies and pies, and I’m getting called to help in the bakery like every day because I can frost cookies faster than anyone.
I mean, it’s okay, because you’re not dealing with customers, but you have to deal with Dale, the bakery manag
er and he’s a jerk—all nasty and touching all the time. Still, I’m getting a paycheck and I’ll be quitting in April because I’ll be too busy and they want me in Austin for camp in June. I’ll do all of it for three months, learn how they do things.
Meaghan’s going out of state—University of Kansas. Crazy, but… I don’t know. UT wants me. I want to go there.
We’ll just text a lot. Scholarships are big deals.
“Charley, you not going out with Meaghan tonight?”
I shake my head at my baby sister. “She’s got a thing at the animal shelter. Like a volunteer party.”
It’s weird, because I think Amy knows about me and Meaghan, but she never makes a big deal about it. Maybe it’s not a thing. I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s cool and I like it.
“Yeah. And you’re not working either?”
“Nope.”
“You want to… go somewhere? Do something?” She sounds young all of the sudden, weird and unsure.
“Sure. Where?”
“I… I don’t know. I just… I never get to… you’re fixin’ to go away, Charley, and then…. You’re going to go all the way to Austin and then it’s just me and Momma.”
“You’ll have Ben.”
“He’s fixin’ to move with his girl. Get an apartment.”
Whoa. Whoa. There’s no way Mom can do this on her own. No way.
“Oh.” I feel a little sick.
“So, can we just go? Anywhere?”
“Sure. Sure. We’ll go have Chili’s and then look at lights. Maybe we can even go to the Walmart and goof off, huh?”
I feel like throwing up.
Why does everything happen to me? Why can’t things just be easy? I mean, nothing is ever simple and cool.
“I didn’t mean to make you mad, Charley.”
“I’m not mad.” Sick, sure. Worried? God, yes.
“Liar.”
“Shut up. I’m just worried about Mom and stuff.” I mean, I give her a couple hundred a month, probably, but Ben gives her more. Lots more.
“Yeah. Let’s go?”
“Get your jacket. I got gas.”
We head out toward town, and I take her down Park Street, to look at the great big old houses, the fancy lights. Some of those houses are well over a hundred years old and they actually hire folks to hang lights. Ben does ours, mostly, ’cause he’s tall.
“Man, look at that! They’ve got a whole Santa’s workshop!”
“I know, right? Rocking.”
The best part is the reindeer on the roof. That’s cool.
Chili’s isn’t too busy and Ben puts us in his station. “What’s up, y’all?”
“You’re moving out? Really? When?”
“What?” He looks all shocked. “Probably in a few months. Maybe around March. We’re saving our pennies.”
“What about Mom?” How’s she supposed to raise Amy by herself? Feed her? Take care of her?
“Derp. Mom’s cool with it. She said so.”
Right, because what’s she supposed to say? No, stay with me and help me pay the rent on this piece-of-shit trailer the rest of my life?
“God, sometimes you’re just a boy. You don’t think about anything.”
“Don’t fight,” Amy says.
“We’re not fighting.” We say the words together, then stare at each other before chuckling.
“Uh-huh. Can I have a bacon cheeseburger and fries, Ben?” she asks. I get an order of mashed potatoes because I want dessert and I won’t be able to eat both.
“So,” I ask Amy. “Do you want to go to Turtle Creek or the big houses down off 1570?”
“Can we do both?”
“We can try.” My car tends to overheat, but we shouldn’t be sitting in any traffic, and if I have to blast the heater, at least it’s Christmastime.
“Cool. Are you going to have a brownie sundae? I want one too.”
“You could share with me….”
“No, I want one of my own.”
“Okay.” Ben’s buying our supper anyway, on his discount, so I don’t care. She could have one of everything. In fact, maybe she should order, like, a steak-and-shrimp deal.
Asshat.
Butthead.
“You glad to be out of school?”
Amy pegs me with a look that screams God you are the lamest lame that ever lamed a lame. “Duh.”
“Yeah. I know. It’s just weird, right? Making small talk.”
“Do we have to? I mean, what are you getting Mom for Christmas?”
“She wants a new coat so me and Ben and Granny are going in together. We thought we’d put your name on it.”
“What color?”
“I was thinking blue. Mom likes that bright blue.”
“Blue or red, yeah? Do they make sparkly coats?”
“I don’t think so.” I haven’t seen them. I mean, we can go to the Walmart and look, but….
My phone buzzes, Kaylee’s name popping up.
Whoa.
I look at Amy, and she peers over the table. “Wow.”
“Yeah.” I don’t know what to do. “Should I read it?”
Amy nods her head. “Uh-huh.”
“What do you think she wants?”
“Maybe she wants to make up? It’s fixin’ to be Christmas. That would be cool, huh?”
Would it? Hell, I don’t know. Part of me says, “God yes.” I want to be friends again. I want to talk about college and hang out at lunch period and stuff. I want to go see Poppy. Hell, I want my good red-and-white-striped scarf back that I left in her car.
Another part of me is going, “Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.” I mean, she was evil, telling people I was gay, telling people about Meaghan. What if Meaghan had gotten in trouble? What if her mom and dad hadn’t been cool?
What if Coach had thrown me off the team? I mean, neither one of us has said anything about it at all, but I’m not stupid. It could happen and then the scholarship and UT and Austin would be gone. Poof.
Like for reals.
Both me and Amy are staring at my phone on the table like it’s a snake that’s fixin’ to bite us. Creepy.
“You should read it. You want me to read it?”
I shake my head. No. No way. What if it’s nasty? Amy’s just a kid and that would be totally uncool.
“No. I’ll do it. It’s just a text. It can’t hurt you.” Except they can. They do. Everybody knows that.
“’Kay.”
Ben brings us our Cokes and looks at us both. “What?”
“Kaylee texted her,” Amy says.
“What? What did she say?”
“I haven’t read it.”
Ben blinks, then his lip curls. “You want me to read it? I totally will and I’ll tell her to be nice or I’ll have her plucked bald-headed.”
“You sound like Mom.” And you know what? That fury in Ben’s voice, on my behalf? It feels good.
Like really-really good.
“Well, she sorta raised me and all.”
“Right. Okay. I’ll read it.”
“Ben!” The manager, Dave, sounds pissed. “Table eight needs more tea.”
“On it, boss!” He turns to go. “Don’t delete it. I want to read.”
“So, read it!”
Of course, when I do, it’s just….
u there?
Damn it.
whatsup
need2cu
y
God, why would she want to see me? It’s been, like, almost two months.
“What does she want?” Amy asks.
“She hasn’t said yet.”
“Well? What are you going to do?”
Damned if I know, right?
please. WrU?
chilis & then taking amy 2 xmas lites
I’m busy.
after?
After? Hell, I don’t know, but I don’t want to see her, do I? I don’t want to deal with the drama and shit.
plez charly. need help
Ill ca
ll when I get home k???
kty
Help?
She needs help?
What the fuck can I do?
“Sister!” Amy is glaring now. “What does she want?”
“I still don’t know. She says she needs help.”
“With what? Is she okay?”
“I don’t know! I told her I’d call, okay? After we get back to the house tonight.”
“Weird. Do you think she’s broke up with her boyfriend?”
I shrug, because I flat-out don’t know. I mean, I know she’s still with him, but only because of rumors. We live in two different universes. Hers is full of short skirts and formal dresses and clubs at school. Mine is all softballs and cleats and working.
I never knew until recently how easy it is to be all ships passing and shit.
“Wow. Well, I think you should tell her she’s a bitch and to leave you and Meaghan and Shaundra alone.”
“Amy!” God, that’s funny, hearing Amy cuss.
“What? I’m not a little baby no more. I’m a teenager, just like you.”
“Yeah, yeah. You excited about going to see your dad and his new baby? Is his name George?” I know they’ve been closer since Mom let her have a Tumblr. Her dad’s on it all the time and stuff, posting pictures.
“Geoff. And yeah, totally. Vegas is pretty cool at Christmas too.”
“World traveler,” I tease.
“I know. Makes me cool. He wants me to come for a school year when I’m in high school he says.”
Okay, that’s unexpected. “No shit.”
She nods. “I don’t know. That’s kinda neat, huh? To do that?”
“Mom would miss you.” I can’t imagine Mom with an empty house, with none of us to take care of, talk to.
“Yeah, but… she says it would be okay. She says to wait and see what I think later. That I might change my mind.”
Ah. So Mom doesn’t think she’ll do it. Cool. “Rock on. She’s right. You still got a couple three years, huh?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s what she says.” Amy grins. “I just want to go see that baby. He’s so cute!”
“Don’t get used to it,” Ben says, plopping our food down in front of us. “Y’all used to be cute too, and what happened?”
I flip him off and Amy cackles like a big old bird.
“What did Kaylee want?” he asks.
“Says she needs to see me.” So. Fucking. Weird.