Scarred for Life

by S. L. Kassidy

  "So, what're we gonna do now?" Dane asked as they exited the restaurant and waited for the car to be brought around.

  "Let me worry about that. You just go with it and be happy."

  "Fine." Dane sighed dramatically, but the noise fell on deaf ears.

  They piled back into the car and took a short drive to a part of the city that Dane was familiar with, but didn't frequent. It was sort of the art district. There were plenty of upscale galleries and a few museums. She wondered what they were doing there and turned questioning eyes to the driver.

  "Just go with it, Danny. Geez, I'm not kidnapping you."

  Dane nodded. Nicole parked the car in a small lot adjacent to a dark building. Dane followed Nicole's lead, going to a back staircase that was poorly lit and through a door. Before Dane could even see where they were, her ears heard it and her soul felt it—jazz. Nicole paid the cover charge and they sat at a small table with a clear view of the stage. A five-person jazz band was playing.

  Dane was quickly wrapped up in the music and Nicole sat silently to let her drift on note after note. Most of her attention was on the music, but some of her mind stayed locked on Nicole. Out of the corner of her eyes, she noticed a faint smile settle on Nicole's lips. She smiled, too, especially when Nicole started stroking her shoulder.

  Dane was mesmerized by the instruments and taken over by the songs, relaxing more because Nicole was there. It was almost as if Nicole's presence took her deeper into the music. Suddenly and for the first time, Dane's fingers moved without her permission, playing along with the bass. When she realized what she was doing, she went along with it because it felt marvelous to play along. That sensation didn't last too long. She tensed as seconds went by, but her fingers continued to move.

  Her left hand trembled and shook before starting over as if holding the strings of a bass to play again. Dane sucked her teeth and dropped her hands, but they couldn't keep still for long. Slender fingers plucked imaginary strings, but gradually the left hand slowed and trembled, being outpaced by the right. She sucked her teeth again; a vicious cycle had begun. It left Dane feeling out of touch with herself and the heartache of betrayal from long ago came flooding back.

  ***

  Nicole noticed the weakness of Danny's left hand many times before, but never before had she seen it cause such obvious distress in the younger woman. Grey eyes silently panicked and implored nothingness as the left hand slowed again and again before eventually having to start over. By the end of the show, Dane looked like she was ready to burst into tears and explode in pure fury.

  "Danny, are you okay?" Nicole asked as they walked back to the car. She was glad that the show was only an hour or she was certain that Dane would've run out after a few more minutes.

  "Fine," was the strangled reply.

  Nicole sighed, unsure of what to say. They entered the car and silence reigned momentarily. Dane took some deep breaths before turning her attention to the driver.

  "Thanks for all of this, Nick. This is the best birthday gift I've gotten since my guitar," Dane said with genuine appreciation glistening in her eyes.

  "Really? I didn't think you liked it. I thought you were upset at the show," Nicole replied in a low tone, keeping her eyes on the road.

  Dane's eyes flashed with endless joy and her mouth dropped open incredulously. "What? Hell, no. The show was great. Those guys really know how to the play. I was just pissed because…" She looked away.

  "You don't have to explain if you don't want to." Nicole stated gently.

  Dane nodded. "I know you've noticed my hand."

  "I have."

  Dane started speaking in a low, detached voice. "It got messed up back when I got the limp over a year ago. The nerves are pretty damaged and I'll probably never play the guitar the way I used to. I used to be so fucking good. You'd never believe a punk like me could be as good as I was. But, after what happened with my hand, I'll never be that good again, no matter how much I tried. I quit trying after a while. I mean, you saw how hard it is to move and how slow it is. Makes teaching a lot of instruments a bitch. Makes playing 'em even worse…" She wanted to sound like it didn't matter, like she was talking about anything else, but it was clear that she was talking about something that meant the world to her.

  Nicole swallowed. "How'd it happen? How'd your hand get messed up?"

  Grey eyes sparked like a storm was brewing behind them. A snarl tugged at her lip and she made a tight fist with her good hand. It was rare to see Danny so emotional, so angry.

  "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

  Dane bit her lip as if trying to gather herself. She took another calming breath, releasing her fist. She blinked before turning to Nicole with sorrowful eyes.

  "Had this best friend Bryan. We were fucking joined at the hip when it came to a lot of things. Got along as smoothly as two punk kids can. He was really a spoiled brat, but he liked me enough when we met back in fifth grade. I put up with him because he seemed cool, even though I knew he was a grimy ass. Bryan played in my band. He played bass. He was pretty good, not as good as me, but good enough to be on stage with me. It fucked with his head that I was so much better than he was, but he never said anything. I could see it in his eyes sometimes, but I didn't think anything of that shit. We were so damn popular that it didn't matter what was going on in his head. We made a lot of fucking money. While I liked to waste money on drugs, Bryan liked to gamble. Not being good at managing money, he tended to gamble more than he had and he owed a lot. He owed a lot to the wrong type of people.

  "One day he comes to me with a black eye and busted lip, crying about how they're gonna kill him if he doesn't come up with the money. He begs me to talk to them, tell them he's good for it and all of this bullshit. I was stupid. I went. I mean, he was my oldest and best friend and shit, no matter what. I told them he was good for the money and we'd get it back. I fucking told them we. Me and him, together. They gave us a deadline. I told him if we hustled our asses off we should be able to pull it off. He jumped on board.

  "Time to collect rolls around, I met up with the guys, but Bryan's nowhere to be found. I had part of the money. Part of the money meant they wouldn't break both my legs or shoot me. However, it didn't stop them from beating the shit out of my knee and leg and fucking up my chances to ever play the guitar like a god ever again," Dane snarled with untamed ferocity.

  "Oh, my god, Danny. You don't still owe these people, do you? They're not going to come after you and hurt you again, are they?" Nicole begged to know, concern pouring out of her voice.

  Dane paused. Nicole was concerned for Danny and that seemed to shock her. She slowly processed it. "Nah, they're not gonna come after me or hurt me again. Bryan might've run, but he had to pay them back eventually. He handled his share, but by then I was already in the hospital. They damaged my hand and leg pretty good, wailing on both with a bat. They thought I was hiding the money or some shit like that and I'd tell them where it was, but I had nothing to say. I was in the hospital for a good long time. My face was fucked up, both my legs. My right leg was broken in a bunch of places. It was just all around bad. The bastard even had the nerve to visit me and tell me I didn't look that bad, but didn't have the decency to apologize or tell anyone the fucking truth about what happened,"

  "And he was your best friend?"

  "Very best friend. Knew him for years and would've done anything for him, thought he felt the same way. Instead, he fucked me over as soon as it was convenient for him. These are the type of people I knew. Hell, these are the type of people I come from. You've met Tyler and he's one of my parents' favorite nephews. My parents love Bryan, too, thinking he got his life together because he's going to business school and shit, asking me why I can't be more like them. I don't even care. Tore out of the hospital as soon as I could walk, didn't bother explaining to anyone what happened because I knew they wouldn't believe me, and so I just drifted. No one cared. Hell, I didn't even care. At that time nothing mat
tered because my guitar was gone," Dane muttered.

  Nicole nodded, not sure what to say. She glanced at her passenger, reached over, and took Dane's larger hand in her own.

  "I would never do anything like that to you." Nicole brought Dane's hand to her mouth and gently kissed Dane's knuckles.

  "I know you wouldn't. Nick, this is the greatest birthday I have ever had and I hope that I get to share more of them with you…I want to share a lot with you."

  Nicole smiled at her. They held hand for the remainder of the ride home

  CHAPTER 12

  "Come on, we're going out to lunch," Mina commanded as she marched to Nicole's office.

  "What?"

  "We're going out to lunch. We need to talk."

  "I have lunch." Baffled, she pointed to the small, black fridge in the corner. Mina knew Nicole kept all of her "Danny-made" lunches in it.

  "I'm sure you do. But, we're going to lunch anyway."

  "But, I have lunch. It's leftover lasagna. Danny makes a hell of a lasagna."

  "You can eat it later. Right now, we need to go out to lunch to talk. I know you won't talk here." It went beyond Nicole not wanting to mix personal things and business, but to avoid Tyler hearing something that she might not desire him to hear. They never knew when he was lurking.

  "Why do we need to talk? I need to finish something today," Nicole groaned. If she got one more assignment to write a contract, study a contract, or figure out how to break a contract, she'd snap. She needed to get something out of the way or someone would find her on the floor of her office counting the carpet fibers.

  "Come on, putting it off for one day isn't going to kill you. I want to talk to you now," Mina insisted, folding her arms across her chest.

  Nicole sighed and rubbed her eyes. She finished up what she was doing and turned off her computer. She put away other files, cleared her desk, and then stood up to leave with Mina. The mocha-skinned lawyer looked smug.

  "I don't see why you are so insistent we suddenly have to talk." Nicole grumbled as she marched out of her office. Mina followed right behind her, closing the door as she left.

  It was a nice day, as they decided to walk down the street to a café that they liked. They grabbed a table outside and ordered their lunches along with a couple of drinks.

  "So, what did you want to talk about?"

  "What's going on with you and Danny?"

  Nicole's frowned. "Excuse me?"

  "You and Danny, what's going on? There's more to this thing than her being your roommate, isn't there?"

  Nicole balked. "No, we're just roommates. Why would you even ask that?"

  Mina scoffed. "Because I've known you for ten years, Nicole. I've never seen you react to a person the way that you do with Danny, not even people you date. You brighten at the mention of her name. When I saw you on the phone with her the other day, your smile could've put the sun out of business. What's going on? You're back to women? I assume Danny's into women since that was the one claim Tyler made that you didn't dispute."

  The redhead shook her head. "No, I'm not, but yes, Danny is. I don't like Danny like that. We're just good friends and we get along great. You're seeing things that aren't there." She waved her hand to dismiss her friend's ideas. Of course I don't like Danny any other way than friendship, even if I was a little upset when she said she had a girlfriend. It was just the shock that she didn't tell me that brought out that reaction.

  "Sure I am." Mina rolled her eyes. "I know what I saw. Have you kissed Danny yet?" she asked with a smirk, as if she were walking her friend into a trap to prove that she was right.

  "Only on the cheek and that's the only place I plan to. I'm not ruining what I have with her. The friendship I have with her is not something I'll screw around with because it is damn near perfect," Nicole said soundly with a hard look in her eyes that told Mina to back off. Mina obeyed the glint in Nicole's eyes. "Is this really what you wanted to talk about?"

  "I thought there was something to it. You seem happier since she came into your life and you have dated women in the past. I figured if Danny really was a lesbian, then there might be something there. That's all," Mina replied in a placating tone.

  "Just because Danny is a lesbian does not mean that she goes after every available woman alive. You know that good and well."

  "Indeed, I do. I didn't say she was after every available woman, just you. You are the complete package, after all." Mina motioned to her coworker as if to prove her point.

  "Even if that were true, Danny doesn't want me like that. She hasn't shown any real signs of wanting anything beyond what we have now and I respect that."

  Mina leaned forward and studied her friend. "And you don't want her like that?"

  "No, Mina. I like her as a friend and only a friend. She is my friend. For the last time, there is nothing going on."

  "Okay, okay. If you say there's not, I'm guessing there's not. You haven't lied to me before and I don't see why you would start now." Mina shrugged

  "There's nothing going on there. Just a very different and fulfilling friendship," Nicole insisted, her voice still too defensive. Nicole had no plans to begin lying to Mina, especially in regards to her relationship with Danny. After all, Mina was aware and comfortable with the fact that Nicole dated both men and women; even though Nicole had never described herself as bisexual. She'd never do anything to ruin what she had with Danny because it made her feel wonderful. She yearned to keep that feeling for as long as possible.

  "Okay. I believe you. Ease up, cowboy. But, I'd like to say that no friend of mine has ever made lunch for me, cooked me several meals, called to check if I had eaten said lunch or if my assistant was doing her job, or made sure I could make it through the day everyday. And you would much rather stay home with her than go out with me on occasion." Mina chuckled, holding her hands up in surrender.

  The redhead huffed and her nostrils flared. "Mina, you are seeing things that aren't there. Danny is just my friend. As I said, we have a very different friendship than most. It is very fulfilling and neither of us is looking to change it," she stated through gritted teeth.

  Mina put her hands back up, surrendering again. "All right, all right. You win."

  Nicole went back to work, frowning as she realized she'd have to take work home yet again. Every night I have to take something home. Her mood soured more as she thought about sitting up past midnight with draft after draft of legal jargon, and she knew just what to do to lift her spirits.

  Nicole retrieved her homemade lunch and went to the lounge area to use the microwave. She passed her assistant's desk on the way, seeing that the woman was gone already. She made a mental note to fire her assistant, who was now just leaving whenever the urge overcame her without even bothering to make up an excuse.

  ***

  Dane hooked her guitar onto her back and rode off to teach a guitar lesson. It was only an hour. She made a meager twenty-five dollars per lesson. It was a pain getting to the lessons and getting home later, yet she always left the house with a smile and always returned with one, no matter how much her leg ached and her hand frustrated her.

  After returning home, she iced her knee and elevated the sore leg. She continued to smile, thinking about what Nick would like for dinner. Her mind drifted from contemplating dinner to just lingering on Nick. It took her several minutes to realize she was daydreaming.

  "Shit, I've got to stop thinking about her like that. I need to go out and get a girlfriend before I fuck things up with Nick. Last thing I wanna do is ruin things with my angel."

  When Nicole came home, they spent their evening like they usually did. As they lounged in the living room, Dane noticed Nicole took a few moments to occasionally glance at her. Nicole was supposed to be reading a book while Danny was resting against her and jotting down a song on a legal pad, but Nicole didn't seem to be reading. Eventually, green eyes abandoned the book and focused solely on Dane.

  "Chem?"

  "Hmm?"


  "What're you thinking about so hard, Chem?" Dane inquired. She couldn't recall a time when she saw Nicole staring at her, but obviously not seeing her. She felt more concern when she could see some distress in Nicole's eyes.

  "Nothing."

  "Nothing must've been on your mind pretty heavy. Personally, I think it's all those chemistry books you're reading. They're rotting your brain."

  Nicole couldn't help laughing. "Is that your expert medical opinion?"

  "Of course. Doctor Dane's prescription is for you to fill out those college applications, so that you can do something you like."

  "I did contact a few of the schools to find out what I would need to do aside from filling out the forms, thank you very much."

  Dane put down her pad and turned to fully look at her housemate. "Really?"

  "Yes."

  "I'm…" Dane bit back her words and mentally scolded herself. You think that she gives a shit that you're proud of her?

  "Danny, tell me," Nicole implored.

  "It's just…well, I'm happy you're going to try to chase your dream. Believe me, it's incredible for you to be able to do something that you love. There's nothing like it in the world."

  Nicole was speechless. Dane smiled, feeling that she touched something inside of Nicole. She watched as Nicole's eyes focused on her hands and she knew Nicole was thinking about her crippled hand and how it came to be that way. Suddenly, Nicole reached out and surprised Dane by touching her cheek. The former rocker flinched and pulled back.

  "I'm so sorry, Danny," Nicole said in a sorrowful voice.

  Dane shook her head and shrugged, knowing why she was getting the apology. "Don't be. To quote a poem, 'life for me ain't been no crystal stair.' If it's not one thing, it's another with me."

  "You surprise me everyday. I never would have thought you to be a fan of Langston Hughes or his poem Mother to Son. You read poetry, too?"