Beyond Me
Page 7
I cannot see Shadow
but I feel his presence
and
hear his bell
25 CRANES
DAY 13
00:03
01:12
07:12
07:34
07:34
Father packs his umbrella
the forecast is rain in the afternoon
07:53
by this time in March
I would be on school break
we left suddenly
everything undone
everything unfinished
everything left behind
there is no homework
no assignment
no project
no cram school
no English practice
I have all the time in the world
to think and worry
* * *
Dear People of the Northeast,
The government banned milk and some vegetables from farms near the nuclear energy plant. Experts still say radiation levels are safe but not if you drink or eat a lot of these things. Poor farmers and cows! And the poor people who live nearby. They have low levels of radiation too.
I wish this problem was finished.
from Maya
Shadow watches me fold
he does not make a move
but
to protect all of my cranes
I gather them
together
to string them
together
they will be stronger
sliding one onto the back
of another
then another
then another
1, 2, 3… 10 cranes
1, 2, 3… another 10
1, 2, 3… another 10
Mother reaches out to help
glances at the chains of cranes, asks,
there’s an order?
my fingers
my hands
my brain
have found an order
by color or design
and
by number
but I tell her,
not really
anything is okay
Shadow pats the air near the end of the chain
don’t you dare
Mother tries to get him interested in the toy she made
he is not interested
she ties the shredded crane to the end of the string
give him his own so he’s not tempted, she says
it works
he plays
rests
then
sits beside me
19:43
blinking
still
21:19
blinking
20 CRANES
DAY 14
05:28
05:32
05:43
work life continues
Father leaves for the office
Mother leaves for relief centers
08:48
so cold and cloudy
I stay at the table
08:56
or under it
in the mailbox
I am so happy to see
an envelope from Yuka
tucked inside a folded paper conceals
a seed
a sunflower seed
a note says
she will bring more and
help me plant them before school starts
clutching the seed
I imagine
these cheerful golden flowers
in Great-grandfather’s field
tracking the sun
cleansing Earth
brightening us
I place the seed in front of me
as I fold cranes
Shadow pats at the seed
I shoo him
he bolts
my mug is airborne
I reach out
no!
tea splatters
the mug hits the wooden floor
one shard breaks off
lands near the whole
I cradle the piece into the other
shocked
and sad
no tears come for this broken gift
I shout,
nothing in this house
broke
in the big quake
and then you come
you mess things up!
I dab the floor with a tea towel
Shadow sits by the door
wanting outside
for the first time
since he came inside
I let him out
not wanting to see him again
12:58
I am
14:03
alone
17:20
Shadow’s not here
21:06
and stays gone
25 CRANES
DAY 15
02:08
04:17
07:07
a nudge from the south
is Earth spinning?
I cannot tell
is the ground moving?
the pendant light and the quake map say no
my head is full of swirls
I open the door
on my way out to the fields
Grandmother is there
holding Shadow
she says he was restless all night
Shadow jumps from her arms
and heads to the gate
I ask her to come inside
I show her my mug
this can be repaired, she says
I follow her to the shed
Shadow follows too, but
does not step inside
he stands at the door
Grandmother digs past tools
looking for a box
with materials to repair
a broken dish
with gold
* * *
she gives me an overview
of what she learned
I hesitate, saying, but…
she says,
better for you to repair it
but
step by step
first step—
file jagged edges
to deepen and widen
the crack
so
resin will hold
she shows me
watches me
steps back
this is how she taught me to make cranes
as a preschooler
showing me
step by step
watching me
step by step
leaving me
alone with the paper
but being present with encouragement
under her watchful eye
I file
the broken pieces
she praises my work
Shadow watches from the door
we break for lunch
before we part
she invites me in to see
her favorite white teacup
she repaired
many years ago
my fingers glide over the gold splintered lines
a plum branch, we say together
I am a part of the history of this teacup
I was the one standing at the shed door
I don’t remember Grandmother being mad at me
* * *
later
Shadow sits at the shed door
Grandmother slides open a window
wind whips through
we snap on plastic gloves
she uncaps the jar of resin
dips out a portion
taps it onto a cardboard square
drips water droplets
over it
mixing and releasing
a smell that sickens me
takes my breath away
makes my head spin
I hold my breath then
breathe
in
out
> in
out
through my mouth
she brushes a dab onto an edge then
hands me the brush
careful
lacquer resin blisters skin
I brush resin
onto edges
and fit the pieces together
the mug will rest with wet towels inside a box
for a week
a week?
it takes time, she says
but Earth…
she tells me,
you will start over again
bringing the pieces together
until they hold
I walk out to the fields
Shadow follows
I breathe easily again
Great-grandfather unfolds plastic
to cover a seeded row
I take one end
the wind catches it
the starling flies up from behind
oh!
he flies away
but
he will come back
to find a way under the plastic
* * *
17:45
Shadow does not show up for dinner
20:36
he is gone
20 CRANES
DAY 16
Mother boils kelp
for iodine
to drink
even though
they’re saying radiation levels are okay down here
she signs up for iodine pills through the US Embassy
in case things get worse
Father wakes up happy
his day off is sunny
but after breakfast
instead of going out to the fields
he decides to go off with Mother
to help her
gather and donate
I go out to check the mug
Shadow is sitting
at the shed entrance
at his feet
the starling lies
limp, lifeless
dead!
an earth-shattering cry rises
from my rib cage
a cry worthy for
the last bird on Earth
Great-grandfather hears it
comes running
sees what has happened
takes a breath
and says, that’s a cat
Great-grandfather suggests letting Shadow have the starling
sees my shattered face then
shows me a place at the wall
where the field meets the garden
Shadow follows us
Great-grandfather helps me bury the bird
we bow our heads
in silent prayer
he gathers his tools
and heads out into the field
I follow
and sit
looking out to birdless fields
* * *
later
Father joins Great-grandfather in the fields
works until sunset
19:18
falls asleep early
19:42
from the sliding door
Shadow watches me
fold cranes
Mother lets him in
says she doesn’t know but thinks
the bird was a gift
—but—
that cannot fix anything
40 CRANES
DAY 17
04:52
I am not happy Shadow is in the house
he will not go outside
he knows I won’t let him back in
I go out
in the shed
I open the box
the broken piece has shifted
out from the mug
the resin is soft enough
to ease it gently
back into place
I pack it away
I stay away from the house
and
join Father and Great-grandfather
in the fields
12:20
I work all afternoon in the field
after tea and dinner
19:23
I stay at the table
Shadow keeps an eye on me
I keep an eye on him
while I fold cranes
Mother says he is happy here
he has stayed
because he likes me
he is a house cat
and doesn’t belong outside
I don’t ask why no one has come for him
I think I know the answer
Mother tells me,
you are saving his life
22:41
the shudder
of Shadow’s bell
makes me teary-eyed
20 CRANES
DAY 18
06:11
07:23
07:23
Great-grandfather loosens baby spinach plants
one by one
from their bed
placing them in a bamboo basket
he transplants them
to give them room
I watch him
remembering the day
Shadow watched me
followed me home
wanted inside
never wanting outside
I step behind Great-grandfather
and
pat the soil snugly around the baby spinach roots
all day out
we miss a call from the vet
the message says he has some news
but gives no details
Shadow may be going home!
19:40
30 CRANES
DAY 19
08:01
Grandmother asks me to wash and prepare
leeks and some of the baby spinach
to set out at the vegetable stand
I wash and wash and wash
she tells me, everyone expects some grit
it cannot be helped
my flyer still hangs on the post
even though no one has seeds and
no one mentions it anymore
the flyer for Shadow is gone
this may be Shadow’s last day
at our house
Great-grandfather tills the broccoli stalks
into the ground
alone
no starling follows him
I walk out farther to the park
to the cherry buds
tightly closed
our neighborhood blossom-viewing is canceled
many across Tokyo, too
out of respect for the losses up north
before dinner
Mother tells me
there’s no word from the vet yet
he was in surgery all day
I ask to use her laptop
to look up planting times for sunflowers
I look further and
learn
a Japanese scientist is working on
how to dispose
of their stalks after they absorb radiation
sunflowers are not the answer
19:54
I end up under the table
will radiation ever go away?
30 CRANES
DAY 20
Mother places the flyer she made
for Shadow on the table
the vet called to say
a neighbor of Shadow’s guardian
saw the photo in his window
and
told him
the woman’s grandson chased Shadow out
after she died
I ask,
what is his real name?
the neighbor didn’t know
my heart softens more for him
17:52
he has lost his guardian
his home
his name
he has nowhere to go
I write “Shadow” at the top of the flyer
cross out “Contact” and
write “HOME�
� next to our information
I give Shadow a slow blink
Mother says I have rescued him
21:51
Shadow jumps up on my bed
the rumble deep
beneath his heart
lulls me to sleep
22:19
25 CRANES
DAY 21
8:52
my mug is ready for gold dust
with Grandmother standing near
I rub the seam
first with fine charcoal grit
to smooth rough spots
then with a fine brush
I tap gold powder onto a paper square
with cotton fluff
I dab along the seam
inside and
outside
the mug
it needs to sit
undisturbed for a week