Acolytes (The Enclaves Book 1)

by Nel Franks

  Oh Goddess, it was too hard. My head hurt and my chest felt crushed. I was wrong everywhere. I couldn’t bear to have anyone touch me, and I didn’t want to ever go through that kind of humiliation again. My mouth flooded with sour saliva and I bent over, heaving up my meal behind a bush. I had never felt so confused, so upset or so, so miserable.

  The end of the year

  Gaia, Autumn - Winter, Year Two, Initiates

  TIME WENT ON ITS WAY without the slightest concern for how miserable I was. It surprised me sometimes, when I caught myself enjoying a moment with Rosie and Tomma in our room in the evening as though nothing had happened, and then, moments later in bed, I would feel alone and confused all over again. How could I think about something so unnatural as to want to be male? How could I not?

  Tomma and Rosie seemed to go on satisfactorily with their activities in their Houses; Tomma was now an accomplished maker of flavoured flower syrups and cordials, while Rosie was finally working with the small animals she loved. When we all attended the ceremonies in the Temple to celebrate the autumn harvest, I marvelled at how much better Rosie seemed; she laughed and participated in the games, and we all enjoyed the first few days of winter crispness. But my sense of being wrong, of not fitting into anything—my body, my mind, my community, never left me. The only thing that helped was to work as hard possible, to be too busy to think. I was still working as a clerk’s assistant in the Office, as the amount of work for me there was never ending. And perhaps the Most wanted to keep me close, given I had had experiences in the Male Enclave that no-one else should know about.

  At the end of summer, there had been another negotiation with the men about trade. Sylva had another of her sick headaches, and Judine was feeling overwhelmed by her morning sickness and the extra workload caused by Sylva’s absence. When the Most asked for a clerk to be present during the negotiations that evening, Judine appointed me so she could go home early.

  I knocked and entered the Most’s private office.

  ‘Ah, Gaia, you seem to be taking very senior responsibilities for someone in only their second year of Initiates. How is it that you are the clerk for this evening?’

  She looked tired and worn. I began to explain how it had come about, but she waved me silent.

  ‘Never mind, sometimes things just work out this way. Sister Panndra will be here soon, she’s the only trader still here. Can you make sure we have plenty of notepaper? This is going to be a complex negotiation. And prepare some supper please; enough for eight people. Senior Lord Dolphus is bringing some extra representatives tonight.’

  I bustled about in the little pantry hidden behind the door between the bookcases, and on an impulse rushed out to the nearest dining hall and requisitioned some soft cheese, glacé and dried fruits, some nuts and a fortified wine. I wanted to make the Most proud of my initiative and capabilities.

  Panndra arrived, and after a few words with the Most, slipped into the pantry to review my preparations.

  ‘Get something more substantial too, Gaia. The men who are coming tonight usually don’t dine until very late, and they will be hungry.’

  I ran back to the dining hall and requisitioned more bread, and hard cheese, olives, and preserved meat sausages. At the offering of the cook, I added little hot meat pies and vegetable pasties, well wrapped up to keep their heat. When all was ready, the Most opened the stair pit with the seemingly magical movement of the lamp on her desk. I was prepared this time and knew to stand well clear. Panndra had brought a candle lamp for each of us from the little storeroom, and we used them to light the lamps in the tunnel niches as we went. The Most paced slowly behind us, her hands clasped behind her, and her head down. We reached the mid-way point well before the men arrived, and the Most sat wearily on a small bench in an alcove there. She smiled a bit ruefully at us.

  ‘One of my predecessors must have been like me and always got here early. I bless her foresight in installing this bench.’

  Eventually Panndra spotted a small speck of wavering light. There were five men this time, Senior Lord Dolphus, and Lord Rabbern from the Great Families, and Lord Moxwall from Agriculture, both of whom I had seen before. With them was another short, richly dressed lord who walked with a rolling gait. At the back was Anndri. I was delighted to see him again. We kept silent, grinning at each other, as the lords greeted the Most and Panndra. As they turned and headed back for the Most’s office, with Anndri and I following after, walking beside each other. It would have broken protocol to speak, but we managed to convey a lot by using raised eyebrows, smiles, nods and a quick shoulder bump. Yes, each of us was well, and glad to see the other again.

  As we climbed the stairs back into the Most’s office, Dolphus made introductions.

  ‘This is my son Anndri. He is being prepared to take over the running of my own Trading House. My colleagues have done me the honour of electing me for another five-year term as Senior Lord, and at the same time, my business is expanding. I find myself unable to devote the time it needs, so Anndri must step up to the role of titular Head of the Trading House of Windfollower.’

  It seemed so grand when he described it that way, not at all like the way Anndri had explained it. Anndri bowed to the Most and murmured a reply to her congratulations. As the others turned away, he grimaced to me and mimed sitting at a desk signing papers. I grinned back sympathetically.

  The negotiations were interminable. The new Lord, Maxtim, was from the seafarers and was pedantic about every detail. I noticed the Most suppressing a sigh as he held up negotiations yet again, asking for details of the packaging materials to be used around our fabrics that might be carried on his ships. I saw Dolphus and Anndri both compress their lips to stifle their irritation in a very similar way, which amused me. I hadn’t realised that sons brought up with their fathers would use the same gestures. It made me wonder where I had learned my non-verbal signals. Would I have learned from my mother in the first months of my life, or did these things come later? Was my habitual body language uniquely my own, or just an amalgam of all the women who had cared for me in the Children’s Rooms? I tried to force my attention back to the negotiations. After all, this was what trade was all about, and it was my burning interest, so it would be foolish to waste such an opportunity in idle daydreaming, I told myself sternly.

  Eventually the Most raised her hand.

  ‘Lords, we must take a break. My head is spinning from all the details we have discussed, and I need refreshment.’

  I jumped up to get the food, as Panndra lifted her head from her notes, massaging her cramped hand. Anndri rose with me and accompanied me to the pantry.

  ‘Here, take them this,’ I whispered, pushing the decanter of fortified wine into his hand. ‘The glasses are on the side table. Maybe it will loosen old Maxtim up!’ After we had seen to it that they all had plates piled high with little pies, pasties, fresh vegetables cut so they could be eaten with the fingers, cheeses and fruit, Anndri and I retreated to the pantry.

  ‘Did you win the grand final in kickball?’ I asked.

  He grinned at the memory. ‘We did! And my knee healed in time, I got to play, and my father was there to see it. It was a great day. He even complimented me on my skills – that’s never happened before.’

  ‘But now you have to settle down to work in the Trading House.’

  His smile faded. ‘Yes, it’s a great honour, and even bigger responsibility, for someone as young as me. He keeps telling me that.’

  ‘Do you want to do it? I remember what you told me ...’

  He smiled and moved closer towards me.

  ‘You remember? I didn’t think you would. So, you have been thinking about me. I’ve been thinking about you, too.’

  His warm look made me flustered. This didn’t feel like what I had in mind. I turned away and made my tone very impersonal.

  ‘I just remember you saying you had great dreams about doing everything except being shut up in your father’s office, but now it seems like it�
��s going to happen. Tell me about what your house trades in.’

  ‘Oh.’ His shoulders slumped a little. ‘Well, we trade mostly in metals and metal goods. But we often carry other products as well. Why are you so interested?’

  ‘I think I’d like to become a trader.’

  He began to scoff, but quickly turned it into a cough when he saw how serious I was.

  I pushed on, determined to show him I’d thought about trade. ‘How do you carry the goods? And where? And where do you get the metals from?’

  ‘Windfollower has a fleet of ships. We trade for ore from the mines up the coast and take it to the smelters on the other side of our port. Then we trade their ingots to the manufacturers and some individual craftsmen. And then we trade their manufactured items to anyone who wants to buy them. Is that what you wanted to know?’

  His voice now was dry, factual, and a little prickly. I turned to face him.

  ‘It is exactly what I want to know. I want to know lots more too. I’m so envious of the life you get to lead, Anndri. I would love to be able to travel away from the Enclave, to see mines and smelters and manufactories. I would like to be able to follow a lump of ore from the mine to the hand that uses the tool it becomes.’

  His face stiffened, losing warmth. ‘So, you just want someone who can tell you things about life in the Male Enclave, is that right?’

  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or insult him. ‘No, Anddri, what I want is a friend, not just an informant. Someone who is different from me. I’d like to be able to talk with you about our different lives.’

  He leaned against the bench, looking down at his hands, and relaxed a little. ‘I guess I would like that too. I did ... do want to learn about everything, not only be confined to the Trading House. I’d like a friend too. Not that we’ll get to talk often.’ He gave a rueful smile and took a deep breath. ‘But I thought perhaps you were interested ...’ He looked hopeful again.

  I took a deep breath too. This made me so uncomfortable. If my previous indications hadn’t made him realize I wasn’t interested in him as a sexual partner, what would? I wanted to be like him as a male, not him attracted to me as a woman.

  ‘Anndri, no, I’m sorry. I’m not interested in you like that.’ I said softly. ‘I’m not interested in men at all like that. But I do want you as a friend, I really do. If I’m completely honest, I want to live as ...’ I stopped, on the brink of revealing to him what I had not revealed even to my sister-friends. He had trusted me with his dreams when we barely knew each other, but then, he had thought he would never see me again. Should I trust him now with my deepest secret? ‘I want,’ I temporised, ‘to live as you do, live the kind of life you lead. To be able to go out on ships or wagon caravans, to meet new people, to trade and haggle and negotiate deals. To be independent.’

  He looked at me consideringly for a long moment. Just then, the Most called. ‘Gaia, Anndri, could you rejoin us please?’ We both jumped, startled by the intrusion. He whispered, ‘Yes, we’ll be friends. Infrequently, but friends.’ We smiled as we made our way into the Office.

  The negotiations continued tediously for many more hours. By the end of the meeting, the Most had grey circles under her eyes. I was struggling to keep my head up, and I’m sure I saw Anndri’s eyes close more than once.

  ‘Lords, I will have the contracts drawn up as usual tomorrow and delivered.’ The Most closed her own notebook decisively, finishing the meeting.

  My heart leapt and I looked towards Anndri with a hopeful grin.

  ‘The traders will return tomorrow, so I will send Panndra and Freia as usual,’ she went on.

  My hopes were dashed.

  THE NEXT DAY HOWEVER, I did discover a means by which Anndri and I might be able to stay in contact. Sylva was busy writing up the contract while Judine asked me to write some letters to go in the pouch to various members of the Great Families in the Male Enclave. I took her dictation, and as I was finishing a neat copy, asked her about the pouch.

  ‘I didn’t know there could be letters to specific people between the Enclaves.’

  She went on writing without looking up. ‘Um, sometimes, on business. Occasionally the Chief Mistresses or the Council will send a letter to someone, asking about particular products, or for goods to be made in a specific way for a special project.’

  I went back to my desk, thinking quickly. I grabbed some paper and wrote.

  Anndri – I’m so glad we talked last night. I really do want to be friends. You’re my only link to a bigger world. Do you think we can send letters occasionally? It would be more frequent than meeting face to face, I’m sure.

  If anyone asks, I’m saying this is a letter to your trading house, asking about the possibility of creating long fine metal knitting pins, for sister Mari who is setting up a new sub-Discipline in silk knitting in the House of Crafts - Spinners and Weavers.

  I’m not sure how you might send a reply. But I’m excited about having a friend outside the Wall!

  Before I could sign it, Judine called, ‘Gaia! What are you doing?’

  I jumped guiltily.

  ‘Don’t just sit there—grab the pouch and get all those letters in there! Sylva’s just finished the contracts, and we have to get it into the Most immediately. Freia and Panndra are waiting.’

  I quickly folded and sealed the letter, addressing it to ‘Head of the House of Windfollower’. I slipped it in the bottom of the pouch with the other letters over the top of it, paused at Sylva’s desk to allow her to carefully insert the two rolled copies of the contracts, and raced into the Most’s office. She was standing beside the open stair pit, talking with the two traders. Freia looked at me with her usual impassive face, while Panndra gave me a quick grin.

  The Most looked up and said, ‘Ah, good, that was quickly done, Gaia. Right, you two, off you go. Try not to let the Senior Lord detain you.’

  I watched in envy as Panndra took the pouch, and she and Freia left down the stairs to the tunnel.

  As I turned to go back out to the Administration office, I had a sudden horrible thought. What if Senior Lord Dolphus decided to open the letter addressed to his Trading House? My mouth went dry. Or what if a clerk in the Trading House opened all the mail, the way we did here? At least it wasn’t signed, but it wouldn’t take long for Dolphus and the Most to work out who had had time to talk with Anndri. I couldn’t call the letter back now, so I would have to wait and see. What might the punishment be for illicit communication with men? I didn’t know, but I felt sick with anxiety that evening as I made my way home.

  I needed to find out how often the pouches were exchanged between the Enclaves to find out how soon my possible crime might be discovered, but every way I thought of asking seemed clumsy and suspicious for a junior clerk who didn’t need to know. However, Sylva, in her inimitable style, provided the information inadvertently. The next morning, she was sitting up behind her desk radiating glee and outrage from every pore.

  ‘The Senior Lord didn’t sign the contracts, Judine, did you hear?’ She called across the office. ‘He sent Panndra and Freia back without them. The Most is furious, she told me. Of course, she wouldn’t let anyone else see that, only me. He wanted to review them in more detail, he said. As if I would make a mistake in writing the contracts! The very idea!’

  Judine made sympathetic noises.

  ‘I have a mind to send him a note myself. Anyway, he’s sending them back in next week’s letter pouch. Or maybe he reads so slowly it’ll have to be in the pouch the following week!’ she scoffed.

  Judine and I dutifully laughed, as I began to realise that if I was going to be found out, I had only a few days to wait.

  Three days later, there was a leather pouch sitting on Sylva’s desk when I arrived at work. I kept eyeing it all morning, willing Sylva to arrive. Eventually, I asked Judine about it.

  ‘Oh, the letter pouch! I forgot it!’ she cried. ‘Quickly, Gaia, open it up and deliver all the letters. It was supposed to be done first
thing this morning, but with Sylva away again... The Council and Mistresses will be furious!’ She was nearly crying.

  I sorted the letters, sighing with relief when I found no letter addressed directly to the Most. At the bottom I discovered a slim sealed fold of paper, addressed to Sister Mari and signed from the Head of the House of Windfollower. I slipped the letter into my robe, nearly bursting with curiosity. But Judine kept me busy all morning on an ever-increasing list of tasks. Finally, in desperation, I told her I had to go to the toilet. In the cubicle I opened the letter and read it with excitement.

  Hello Gaia – this is very exciting having a secret correspondent! We were lucky though – usually the clerk opens letters but he’s away, so I did it. I’ve told my father I’ll do all the correspondence from now on. He’s pleased I’m ‘taking up my responsibilities’. Little does he know! Next time, you should mark it Confidential as my clerk does not open those –my father says it’s the only way to stop news of our trading negotiations being spread around our Enclave.

  I’ll be away for the next 3 weeks on a sea voyage up to those mines I told you about. We go every few months, and my father wants me to learn from our chief negotiator. I won’t actually have to do any of the negotiations, but I have to be there and look solemn and sign things as the new acting Head of the House. I expect I’ll be bored when I get there, but I am looking forward to the sail – the coast is beautiful. Have you ever seen the coast? If not, I’ll tell you all about it in another letter.

  Must go now,

  Your friend, Anndri

  I sat for several minutes, reading and re-reading the letter. Now I had a friend outside the Enclave! Well, two actually, if I included Rove. I mused about knowing two boys, something completely unheard of amongst girls in our Enclave. Perhaps even if I couldn’t live outside the Enclave, I could learn about the male world from them. Suddenly my mind was flooded with a hundred questions I wanted to ask Anndri, and I imagined frequent letters. It was only sometime later that I began to consider how I would manage to get replies out of the pouch regularly before Sylva found them.