by Nel Franks
Her mouth moved into a smile, but her eyes were shadowed. I looked at her curiously, and suddenly realised.
‘She’s your partner, isn’t she?’
She looked at me sharply. ‘That’s not the point of this discussion, Rosie. Please show some consideration.’
I was mortified to be so rebuked in front of others. Sister Diammo took a deep breath and went on to both of us,
‘And how do you feel now about the act of intercourse or impregnation?’
Ivetta smiled widely. ‘I think it’s wonderful!’ she said. ‘Now I can look forward to going to the Festival Field in the future.’
Mistress Diammo looked a little doubtful. ‘Remember it won’t necessarily be like this, though. At Festival, it tends to be a lot less personal, sometimes a bit rougher and quicker; not so concerned for each other, I suppose. There tends to be more flirting beforehand, and less foreplay. To my mind, I’d rather have it the other way around. What about you, Rosie? How do you feel now?’
I stumbled for words, unable to clarify the whirl of emotion and thoughts.
‘I don’t think I can sort out what I think right now, Mistress Diammo. It was certainly not what I was expecting, and I’m sort of glad that my worst fears were not realised. But I don’t know where that leaves me now...’
My voice trailed off as I tried to think my way through. Mistress Diammo considered me for a long while, then nodded, and said, ‘Well I’m glad your worst fears were not confirmed. It’s good we’ve given you something different to contemplate. Let me know in a few days what you think.’
I nodded, and quietly we left the Temple.
A path ahead
Rosie, Summer, Year Three, Initiates
IT WOULD TAKE ME MORE than a few days to sort out everything I had seen. And I didn’t know who I could talk to about it. How could I describe what I had felt while observing? Even just revealing that I had watched intercourse seemed shameful. Surely a decent person would not have agreed to that?
I was sitting on my bed thinking about it when Lenna sidled into the room. I liked Lenna well enough I suppose, but I couldn’t stand the way she walked. She crept about as though she felt she shouldn’t be there. Even when I hadn’t been before, she made me irritable. I did try hard to be generous to her but truly, she was her own worst enemy. Today I decided I would just bite my tongue and not reprimand her. Looking enquiring, she came over and stood beside me.
‘Oh, Lenna,’ I sighed. The confusion about what I had seen and done flooded back over me. She took my hand and stroked it, which I thought would annoy me, but strangely I found it soothing.
‘Come sit down,’ I said, patting the bed beside me.
She sat down, but remained silent, as always. Sometimes I wanted her to speak, but I always got the shudders trying to work out what she was saying, so I was glad she wasn’t interrupting my train of thought. Only Gaia could understand her easily. We sat together in silence for a while. Then she began to get up, but I pulled her down beside me again. She looked at me again, with her eyebrows raised.
‘Lenna, I’ve seen something so extraordinary, or so disgusting that I don’t know what to think about it.’
She nodded, and I recognised if I was going to tell anyone, she would be the best person to tell. No one would ever believe Lenna knew anything of any importance; she was too insignificant and stupid. I explained I had been taken to witness intercourse, which I had thought was so sordid, but somehow it hadn’t been as awful as I expected and had even been a bit exciting. Lenna nodded.
‘You know? You know how intercourse can be...alright?’ I was very surprised that Lenna knew anything about sexual matters.
‘Man gi’e me babeh. Kind to meh.’
‘Oh yes, I had forgotten about your baby.’
She winced and looked down at our joined hands.
‘’e shor me ni’ way. Fu’.’
I sighed. ‘He showed you a nice way to have sex and made it fun? Is that right?’
She smiled, a gentle smile with a hint of merriment in it.
‘Cang be fu’, Rozhi.’
She unclasped our hands and moved back to her own bed. I sat there astonished. Even Lenna could find fun in having sex. It didn’t help me decide how I should feel about what I had seen, but it did make me wonder how many people would share my views.
I needed to talk to someone useful, unlike Lenna, and the only person I knew who could remain calm through anything was Gaia. The next morning, on her day off, I cornered her in the bathroom and offered a walk around the Core. She seemed surprised but agreed.
After general chat about the weather and the trees, Gaia remained silent a long time. I tried to think of a way to bring up the subject of sex and men, but I couldn’t.
‘You’re very quiet, Gaia,’ was the only thing I could think of.
‘I’m waiting for you to begin whatever you wanted to talk about,’ she said calmly. Ah wonderful Gaia, she always knew how to do what I wanted.
‘Well, a few days ago, I did something I think might be shameful,’ I started carefully. She raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything, so I went on to describe everything that had happened over the last week, starting with the man in the office and ending with what I had witnessed. She was interested but didn’t interrupt until I had finished.
‘So, what do you think I should do?’ I asked.
‘Do you have to do anything?’ She seemed puzzled.
‘Well, I mean I suppose, what should I think?’
She looked even more puzzled but said nothing.
‘Oh, come on, Gaia! Give me some advice. I don’t know what to think or do about all this.’
She looked as though she still didn’t understand my dilemma.
‘You’ll have to explain it more to me, Rosie. I know you have strong concerns about sex and men, but I’m not sure what your concerns actually are.’
I listed them for her. ‘One: I think sexual intercourse is disgusting. Well, I did until the other day, when it didn’t seem quite as bad as I had imagined. Which leads me to Two: I did a shameful thing by watching a couple in intercourse, which includes Three: I saw a man naked and looked at his...penis.’ I gulped; how I hated that word! ‘Oh, and Four: I want to work out a way to have impregnation without women having to lie with men and Five: I want to be able to separate female sperm, so we only ever have girls. And Six: I haven’t told the Temple Mistresses about that, and they think I’m studying really hard about conception and they hope I’ll want to be a Temple Mistress myself when I grow up.’
‘Ahh.’ She said slowly but then said nothing more.
‘Come on Gaia! You’re not being any help, you know!’
‘Well, I truly don’t see what the dilemmas are for you, Rosie. You’ve found out that sex between men and women isn’t necessarily an ugly brutal thing. I think that’s a positive. You’ve seen a naked man and his penis, which everyone who’s ever been to the Festival Field or Served in the Temple, or even been to Winter Ceremony has seen, and that’s everyone in the Enclave, so there isn’t anything inherently shameful or bad in that. You have a strong desire to develop a new way of impregnation, which might even end up helping some women, so that’s a good, so long as you don’t try to stop everyone from lying with men if they want to; and you’ve been invited to think about being a Temple Mistress which as far as I can see is a great compliment on the quality of your study. What is it that you are feeling bad about?’
‘But ... but what about keeping secrets from the Temple Mistresses about what I want to research?’
‘Well, eventually, if you get to the experimental stage, surely you’ll have to tell them something, to have access to the laboratories and the women to try it on, won’t you? That’s when they’ll know what you’re researching.’
‘But what if they think it’s wrong or evil, or against the Goddess’s wishes or something?’
‘Oh, Rosie,’ she sighed. ‘Stop trying to think up all the worst possibilities before yo
u even begin. If they find out about it one way or the other, and they don’t think it’s the proper thing for you to be studying, then they’ll tell you, and it’ll have to stop. You must have thought of that already?’
I trudged on, thinking over what she had said. Perhaps eventually I could tell some of the Temple Mistresses about what I wanted to study, if I framed it as being a solution for women who wanted babies but had trouble conceiving. I mean, I would have to learn and research a lot more about how conception actually occurred to be able to design a method that would work. They would think the knowledge was worthwhile, wouldn’t they? And it would mean I could work towards becoming a Temple Mistress, which they wanted. Would I be prepared to stop my research if they thought it was wrong in the eyes of the Temple or the Goddess? I couldn’t decide about that; this research was certainly the only thing I was truly interested in, in the whole world, and I didn’t want to give it up, but perhaps if I framed it the right way... My thoughts went round and round in circles, as did our footsteps. We found ourselves standing outside the Acolytes Hall again.
‘Thank you, Gaia, I knew you’d be a help. I think I know what I’m going to do in the future.’
‘Well, that’s a relief. What is it?’
‘I’m going to learn all I can about impregnation, including the man’s part in it, and I’m going to see if there’s a way to achieve impregnation without having the man involved. And I’m going to make that my interest when I’m an Apprentice and I’m going to become a Temple Mistress. And then, I’m going to tell them about my research as a way of helping women who want to have babies but have trouble conceiving, and they’ll think it’s a good thing to have so much knowledge of how impregnation actually occurs and how to help some women, so they’ll support it. So there!’
I finished, feeling triumphant, and so relieved to have a plan of action to follow.
Gaia grinned. ‘I knew there was something going on in that blonde head of yours, Rosie. You look like you feel better, too.’
I nodded; it was true. I could feel the tightness and worry and shame and disgust of the last year slowly dissolving.
‘I think it’s great you’ve decided what you’re going to do, Rosie. I haven’t, really. I know we have a lot of time yet to make up our minds. I know how I’d like to live my life, but not what work I want to do.’
She stopped suddenly, looking as though she regretted saying so much. Suddenly I was curious about her. I felt I’d been so wrapped up in my own issues for so long that I hadn’t really paid any attention to Gaia, or anyone else, for a long time.
‘Which do you like the best, Gaia; the work in the Office, or the work outdoors with forestry?’
She smiled thoughtfully.
‘I really can’t choose, Rosie. Working in the Office was mostly boring, but there were some parts that were really exciting like going to the Male En...’
She stopped, looking horrified, covering her mouth with her hand.
I was stunned. ‘You went to the Male Enclave? Really? Really truly?’ I could feel my face stretching with surprise. ‘The Male Enclave?’
‘Oh, Goddess, Rosie! You mustn’t tell anyone I said that, ever! Say True and promise you won’t tell anyone. Please, Rosie, promise me!’
She looked more anxious and distraught than I had ever seen. Gaia was never upset. This must be some great secret. It was the most exciting thing I had ever heard.
‘Oh, come on Gaia! You have to tell me more about it now. You can’t just tease me with that much and not tell me the rest.’
She was mute, still looking horrified.
‘Come on,’ I prodded. ‘Let’s walk again, and you can decide how much you’re going to tell me.’
I pulled her arm and got her started walking again. We walked a long way in silence, with Gaia shaking her head at intervals and beginning to speak but then stopping. Suddenly I remembered the question about the Office I had wanted to ask.
‘The other night when I went with Sister Dammio to collect the man from the Most’s Office, the Most said the men were late, which I thought meant they hadn’t arrived. But she took Sister Dammio into the inner office, and when they came out the man was with them. When I asked her how he got there, she said it wasn’t a secret, but she couldn’t tell me. How did the man get into the office, Gaia? You worked there, so you must know.’
Gaia still looked uncomfortable.
‘Did you ask Sister Dammio? What did she say?’ she said in a low voice.
‘She said only people working in the Office or dedicated to the Temple were allowed to know. And I’ve just decided I’m going to dedicate myself to the Temple, you know I am. That means you can tell me. I mean, there must be lots of people who know, so like she said, it’s not a secret.’ I was hopeful, but Gaia looked more uncomfortable if possible.
We paced for a long time until finally she drew a deep shuddering breath, and said,
‘Alright, I’ll tell you how the man got into the office, but you must Say True you’ll never tell anyone what I said about the Male Enclave. Say True, Rosie, or I won’t tell you anything.’
‘Of course, Gaia, True, I won’t say anything to anyone about what you said about going to the Male Enclave. But did you really, Gaia? That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.’
She clamped her jaw tight.
‘I’ll tell you about how the man got into the office Rosie, but nothing else.’
I nodded, dissatisfied, but now I had a secret to hold over her. I knew some time I would be able to use it to get information out of her.
‘So, tell. How did he get in there?’
She sighed deeply again, and said reluctantly, ‘There’s a tunnel, which starts in the Most’s Office, and it goes all the way underground to inside the Male Enclave, near the Wall.’
I was astonished. ‘You mean, the Most can go visit the men any time she wants?’
Gaia frowned at me. ‘Rosie! She lives by the rules of our Enclave just like anyone else, maybe more so because she’s our leader. But she has to have meetings with them to arrange things like trade and Summer Festival and who’s coming to Winter Ceremony, things like that.’
It sounded rather ordinary when she said it like that, not at all the wicked excitement I had imagined.
‘So how did you visit the Male Enclave, Gaia; please tell me.’
I put on my most winsome face, but Gaia just pushed me.
‘Don’t try that pleading little girl routine on me, Rosie, I know you too well. And I’m not telling you anything. I gave the Most my most solemn word that I wouldn’t.’
I knew Gaia well enough to know that she wouldn’t budge from a position of honour. But I was sure I could find out.
‘How did they come to pick you to go there, Gaia? I mean, you were just an Initiate Acolyte. They wouldn’t send Initiates regularly, would they? No, they wouldn’t. It must have been some kind of emergency or special reason. Did this happen when you were so distant and preoccupied last year?’
She nodded, continuing to walk with her lips pressed firmly together.
‘It must have been some kind of special reason. Maybe everyone was sick? That flu went through here about that same time. That would be the most reasonable explanation. They needed to send someone for whatever reason, and none of the usual people were available, but you were there and you’re reliable, so they sent you. That would make sense. Is that what happened, Gaia? Is it?’
She shook her head, not looking at me.
‘I’m not going to tell you anything about it, Rosie, just leave it alone.’
I smiled. Gaia was easy to manipulate. She was honest, and loyal, and she couldn’t tell a direct lie, so anything she didn’t deny was likely to be right.
‘Let’s just say they sent you because you were there and available. So how does it work, Gaia? I assume you must go through this tunnel, because if you went the usual way down the road, someone would see the Gate opening. What happens when you come out of the tunnel in the Me
n’s Enclave?’ I thought for a moment. ‘You couldn’t just wander around in there, they’d notice you. They must have someone meet you and escort you in. But what if those disgusting creatures saw you? What would they do? You’d have to wear a disguise, Gaia, wouldn’t you? I bet you did, you could look like a boy really easily, you’re so tall and you’re rather fla...’
I stopped, not wanting to hurt Gaia’s feelings by referring to her famously flat chest. Gaia went red, refused to look at me, and began to walk faster. I knew then I was close to the truth.
‘I’m guessing you were disguised as a boy, you went through the tunnel, you were met by someone, and you went there to do what? Obviously, it must have been some kind of business for the Office or for the Most. Is that why you talked so much about her last year? Because you were working directly for her? What an honour, as an Initiate, Gaia!’
Her colour had gone back to normal, but she still wouldn’t look at me, and kept striding along. I didn’t want to get back to the Hall too quickly, I was having too much fun finding out her secret, so I slowed down, musing aloud,
‘I wonder what the Most and the Office staff would say if they knew how much I’ve found out.’
Gaia whipped around and came back to me. She grabbed me by the throat of my robe, which really scared me, and growled,
‘You promised True, Rosie! You can’t tell anyone that I told you about the Men’s Enclave or the tunnel.’