by Nel Franks
‘Oh, I wouldn’t tell, Gaia.’ I said brightly. ‘Well, the tunnel’s not even really a secret, is it? That’s what Diammo said. She said lots of people know, but it’s just restricted to those in the Office and the Temple. And I’m going to be one of them, so that’s alright.’
Gaia growled again, and swung away from me, looking furious. I walked alongside her, knowing it wouldn’t be prudent to go any further with her in this mood, but hugging the knowledge I’d gained. Gaia had gone to the Male Enclave dressed as a boy! I knew I was right. It was such a delicious secret to be able to wield. I just had to work out how and when to use it.
Third Summer Festival
Rosie, Summer, Year Three, Initiates
GAIA AVOIDED ME COMPLETELY after that. She shot me angry looks, considering looks, and sad looks, but she never spoke to me. Tomma took her out to see Rove at least twice. On the second time, I caught Tomma coming back from the Wall alone and I asked her where Gaia was. I had decided I was going to be gracious and make the first move to heal the rift.
‘Oh, she’s stayed to talk with Rove some more. They got onto talking about trees, and the timber industry and ship building or something. I was so bored, I left her there.’
‘Don’t you mind them talking without you?’
She looked at me a bit scornfully. ‘Rosie, you always think the worst of people. I love Rove and I trust Gaia. Besides, she’s not interested in Rove like that, she’s not interested in any man that way. You know that, Rosie.’
‘Yes, I suppose. Will you take me down to talk with Rove again, Tomma?’
She shook her head, not looking at me. ‘No, not yet. It’s taken a long time for Rove to get over how bizarre you were, Rosie.’
‘But I’m better now, Tomma, you know I am. I wouldn’t do that again. I just want to get to know about males, to find out what they’re like as a species. I’ll be very proper, I promise.’
She moved away restlessly. ‘No, you’re not completely better, Rosie. Even the way you speak about him shows you don’t really want to know him as a person, just as an experimental subject. I’m not going to take you there again.’ She walked away without looking back.
Sanctimonious twit! My inner voice sneered. I could only agree.
Summer Festival was not far away. We were discussing it in our room, and in the discussion, Gaia forgot she wasn’t talking to me. Tomma had heard that Julienne from down the hall was planning to stay in the Field.
‘She’ll get caught, won’t she?’ I was shocked that someone as young as us would try such a risky thing.
‘She told me in the bathroom this morning that someone told her that the Mistresses were going to give us permission to do something new this year. Isn’t that incredible? I never thought they would let us go this young. I thought we had to be Novices before we could do that.’ Tomma was buzzing with excitement.
Gaia looked thoughtful but said nothing, staring off into space.
‘Well, Gaia, would you go into the Festival Field this year?’
She gave me a look that was supposed to whither me where I stood.
‘Rosie, stop baiting me. You know I have no interest in lying with men. Maybe sometime in the future I might decide I want to have a child, but I can’t imagine it right now. So no, I won’t go to the Field. And I know you won’t go.’
I tossed my hair. ‘Well, I might.’
They both stared at me open mouthed. Tomma reacted first.
‘Rosie! You hate men. You hate sex. Why on earth would you go to the Summer Festival?’
‘Perhaps I’m trying to get over my disgust. Perhaps I want to study males close up. I just might go, you know.’
Gaia shrugged off my attempt to be unpredictable. ‘I don’t believe it.’ Then she turned her back on me, again. ‘What about you, Tomma? Would you go this year?’
Tomma looked down at her hands and sighed. ‘I would only want to go if Rove was going to be there. I don’t want to lie with anyone else, ever.’
She was a fool to hold onto the hope of a relationship with him. Idiot! echoed my inner voice.
Gaia said, ‘Perhaps he’ll come in the procession again, like the first time. Has he said anything about it?’
Tomma shook her head. ‘He said he’s going to try. He has a friend who he plays kickball with, whose family are very highly placed in the Lord’s Council or something, and he said he’s going to ask his friend if he can get him a place again. But it’s very unlikely. There are lots of boys who want to go for the first time, to see girls, so he’s not likely to get another opportunity so soon. Besides, I think I’d almost rather wait and have him come again when we are both ready to lie with each other. I don’t think I’m ready yet.’
Gaia focussed on Tomma. ‘He plays kickball? You never mentioned it.’
Tomma looked taken aback. ‘Yes, he plays kickball for a team called the Traders, and his friend Anndri does too. Anndri’s family business trades something. I think they own the team, and his father is some very highly placed official. That’s all I know. Why are you so interested, Gaia?’
Gaia subsided a little on her bed.
‘Oh, nothing special. It’s just something new about Rove I hadn’t known.’
But her eyes were gleaming, and she was preoccupied. I was sure she was thinking about her visit to the Men’s Enclave. What had she learned about kickball there? And why was it so interesting?
THE PREPARATION FOR Summer Festival gave us more information than ever before about how our Enclave thought about sexuality. Most of it I had known or absorbed along the way, but even so I was surprised by some of the expressions and principles that we discussed.
‘Right, young sisters. How many terms do you know to describe various kinds of sexual attraction? Discuss and write them down in your groups, and then we’ll share.’
Our tutor was Mistress Coggia, a bluff woman from the Healers Hall, who must have been picked for her ability to be indiscreet about sexuality. Our group managed to come up with the terms unisexual and heterosexual, the same as most of the others.
‘What about auto-sexual?’ Mistress Coggia demanded. ‘There are women whose only interest in sexual expression is with themselves. Others may indulge in auto-sexual or autoerotic behaviour at times, without it being their predominant mode. You may all fit into this category perhaps?’ She grinned and looked around the room as if she expected someone to actually answer her.
I squirmed in my seat, wishing she wouldn’t try to make these lessons personal. Whoever had decided learning best occurred when it was focussed on the person of the learner was desperately mistaken in this case.
‘And,’ she went on in her brash voice, ‘there are also those who are omnisexual. In truth, that is probably the state of the majority of our sisters. We are happy with our unisexual relationships with our sisters for all our lives. We love and live and work together and raise infants in our families. But we also enjoy and participate in heterosexual activity for procreation, in Winter Ceremony as participants and witnesses, and in Summer Festival actively. However, there are some of our Enclave who are exclusively unisexual and have no relationships with men. There are also some who are exclusively heterosexual - they don’t have sexual relationships here, but they are highly active at Summer Festival. Are there any questions now about this terminology?’
It surprised me to learn that most women were omnisexual. I had preferred to think that my sisters were unisexual by nature, and that the behaviour at Summer Festival was an aberration that they undertook only to get pregnant. But perhaps there was genuine preference for heterosexuality? How perverse! I looked around the room, wondering who might have which preferences. Tomma I knew was very focussed on the hope of sex with Rove—which made her heterosexually inclined, and similarly with Julienne and her cronies, of course. But what about the others? Gaia had given up on sex altogether after her humiliation at the hands of Ellina. I mentally added Ellina to my ledger. I scanned the rest of the room—could I pick, just f
rom their looks, who was unisexual, omnisexual or heterosexually inclined?
Mistress Coggia interrupted by musings by going on to discuss the difference between sex and gender. I found this confusing initially. How could there be a difference between the way one was, and the way one expressed who they were? Were they not the same thing? But apparently not. I had never heard of people born as women who enjoyed dressing like men; not just because their job demanded certain masculine dress, like Gaia had for working in the forests, but as an expression of themselves. It was absurd. The Time Before had been full of such impossibilities it seemed.
Of course, the tutor had more mouth-bending names for these different states: cis-gendered meant proper people like me, whose expressed sexuality matched the sex they had been born. And apparently, the sex you were born only related to your external genitalia, not your entire being, which I thought was a very unnecessary bit of hair-splitting.
And then the Mistress Coggia claimed there were women who were transgendered, who believed they were actually male inadvertently born in a female body, and who chose to use the manners and dress of men. Apparently, this had been quite common in the Time Before. I thought it was ridiculous—how preposterous! As if the Goddess could make errors like that. I looked over to Gaia to ask if she had ever heard of a woman wanting to live as a man—how could that be, in our Enclave? But she was leaning on one hand shading her eyes, industriously taking notes, and didn’t notice my signal.
All acolytes were required to participate in the parade from the Gate to the Temple when the men came in for Summer Festival. We third-year Initiates were placed about a third of the way up the road from the Gate now, with the new first years right by the Gate, and the Novices and Apprentices closer to the Core.
We gathered in the Small Hall to dress, and again twirled in our dresses, having as much fun as the newly inducted first years. Gaia had chosen a deep plum pink which made her dark skin glow. Her short hair gleamed, spiking out around her head. Tomma chose a pale sky blue that made her look sweet, but her glum expression somewhat ruined the effect. I chose a warm rose pink, knowing how well it set off my blonde hair. When we had all finished dressing, the Chief Temple Mistress gave us the standard talking to, about presenting ourselves with dignity and representing the whole Enclave. The first years stopped twittering with excitement and became round-eyed and solemn as she gave them her terrifying glare. Then she called our year-group into a side room.
‘Young sisters, as you are now completing your final year of Initiate Acolytes, you have a choice at this Summer Festival. In addition to being allowed to go to the Fair and the dancing as before, this year you may consume some of the alcoholic beverages if you wish. But be aware that the Protectors will be watching you carefully. If they see that you have over-indulged, you will be sent back up to the Core very quickly. However, let me stress that you may not yet lie with men.’
There was an audible groan from some of the girls and I saw Julienne muttering behind her hand to her friend.
The Chief Mistress went on, ‘I know that rumours have been circulating that you would be allowed to lie with men this year, but like most rumours, they were wrong. If you had checked with your older sisters, you would have discovered that we do not allow Initiates to lie with men. Perhaps during your Novice or more likely your Apprentice years, most of you will arrive at the point where you are ready. You may choose at that time, but not tonight.’
She smiled at us, but there was a hint of warning in her look. She looked very steadily at Julienne and her cronies, but they refused to make eye contact with her. I was relieved that there would be no pressure to lie with men, although Tomma was becoming restless. Gaia was completely calm, of course.
As third year Initiates, we were near the centre of the procession. The little first years led off, being handed torches from the piles outside the Hall that were then lit by some of the elder sisters. I was amazed how young and innocent the first years seemed. We had matured so much over the three years we had been Initiates. We processed down the roadway toward the Gate, thankful that this year we were much closer to the top of the road and had less distance to walk. Most of the women who were going to the Field were clustered lower down the road. Around us were women who weren’t going but were enjoying the spectacle.
The great Gate was opened, and the formalities between the Male and Female Councils seemed interminable. The boys who were to join us with their torches made their way up the road in front of the main party, insinuating themselves alternately between us. Those of our age were gawky and gangly, some with pimples, but all of them bursting with excitement. The ones on either side of me were jigging up and down, unable to keep still. I felt very disciplined and demure between them. The one on my right moved towards me to introduce himself, but I turned my shoulder to him, and he subsided. Disgusting creature, hissed my inner voice. I nodded in agreement
It felt like hours before the entire procession wound its way back up from the Gate, although I did enjoy watching how the double line of torches turned in on itself, like turning a sock inside out. It was a very pretty effect. Then we had to stand for what felt like more hours in the Temple for the blessing of the women and the fields. Tomma was just about dancing with excitement. She whispered she had seen Rove in the crowd but had not been able to catch his eye before he took a place lining the road. As soon as we were allowed to leave, she shot out of the doors of the Temple, like a hawk after a dove. She demanded that we help search for Rove.
Gaia calmly took up a place by the great doors and scanned the crowd as it streamed out. Eventually she pointed, and Tomma dived into the crowd, grabbed a boy and triumphantly hauled him back to us. Both she and Rove had face-splitting grins. I started to leave, because I knew Rove apparently thought I was strange. However, she grabbed both Gaia and I, and excitedly introduced us. Rove was warm in his greeting, especially to Gaia.
‘You look just how I thought you would, Gaia, but maybe a bit taller,’ he said, grinning. ‘And you’re Rosie.’ He looked me up and down in a bold appraising way, which I thought was very inappropriate. Before I could open my mouth to reprimand him, he said,
‘Well, I hope you aren’t going to ask any embarrassing questions tonight, Rosie.’
He caught me off-guard. I managed to blush lightly confirming, I hoped, my role as a reformed delicate woman. Tomma was jigging up and down on the spot by this time, holding Rove by the hand.
‘Let’s go down to the Fair, Rove. Do you two want to come?’ she said a bit distractedly.
Gaia grabbed me as I was about to agree, and said,
‘We’ll come along a bit later. You two go ahead.’
Tomma shot her a look of heartfelt gratitude as she and Rove skipped off down the road.
‘It’s going to be just you and me tonight, Rosie. What do you want to do? Were you serious about wanting to go down to see what’s happening at the Field?’
Her tone held both challenge and support.
‘Yes, I do want to go the Fair. It’ll give me a chance to get used to the presence of males, without having to deal with them.’
Gaia looked a bit disbelieving, but we walked together towards the Fair.
‘I thought Rove might be taller,’ I mused. ‘His face seems pleasant, don’t you think, Gaia?’ I was determined to be as nice as I could about him to prove I was trustworthy enough to be allowed to talk to him. ‘I like his freckles and his eyes – are they blue or green, do you think? Anyway, they go well with his hair – it’s not just brown, is it, it’s sort of russetty.’ Gaia nodded but didn’t add to my assessment.
We made our way in amongst the booths at the Fair. Most of the craft stalls that had been busy during the day were closing up, offering a few last bargains and packing unsold goods into baskets and crates. Their bright banners were dulled in the growing dark. The sawdust in the alleys between the rows of stalls had been trodden into the dirt. There were still a lot of people milling about. There was frequent traff
ic from the three dancefloors up to the stands selling hot foods and cold drinks. There the crowds were three and four deep. I was dismayed to see women and men standing touching each other in the crush before the brew stall. I wished my sisters would show a bit more decorum. A man could put his hands on them in that crowd and they wouldn’t know which one had touched them improperly. And, of course, the beasts will take every liberty! Mentally I tried to hush my panicked inner self.
Away from the refreshment stalls, there were lots of men standing about, some already with their arms around women, but a lot of the younger men and boys were in awkward groups, holding tankards, and looking around avidly. We walked past them, and I made sure I did not look at any of them. There were some low comments, which I ignored. I was finding being this close to males quite strange, feeling both anxiety and a kind of excitement. There was a sort of power in knowing that they desperately wanted us but couldn’t have us. I enjoyed making them feel both desire and rejection simultaneously. Gaia, however, was looking at all of them inquiringly.
‘Don’t call their attention to us, please, Gaia. Why are you searching their faces like that?’
‘I’m looking for someone,’ Gaia said, without glancing at me.
‘Who? You don’t know any men, except Rove.’
There was a significant silence, until I realised she may well know other men, since she had been to the Men’s Enclave. I was deeply curious.
‘Who is it you might know?’
‘I met the son of the Senior Lord. I just wondered if he might have come this time. If he’s here, I’d like to say hello to him. He was kind to me when I ... well, you know when,’ she said very quietly.
‘I know of the Senior Lord; how did you meet his son? What does he look like? I’ll help you look.’ I felt excited about knowing someone so highly placed.
‘His son is learning to be part of their private trading house ... oh, it’s very complicated, Rosie. Why don’t we just look for him? He’s tall, and thin, and he had shoulder-length dark brown hair. His eyes are brown I think.’